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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
Tandora · 08/11/2023 14:21

So he’s basically contributing nothing : neither money, nor labour (eg housework). Kick this man out he sounds awful!!!

YANBU OP,

christmascrackle · 08/11/2023 14:24

Chuck him out! He sounds totally pointless and a user. Will give him a nasty shock! Hooray!

christmascrackle · 08/11/2023 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Who f-ing cares. Who would want to sleep with this user loser anyway?

Georgeandzippyzoo · 08/11/2023 14:26

billyt · 08/11/2023 10:35

You've got yourself a cocklodger.

He needs to either start paying his way, or move back out.

Sorry I'm normally a calm, non confrontational person but I really wouldn't even give him the option of deciding to pay from now. I'd be kicking him out ASAP. He has no respect for OP and is happy to show it!

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/11/2023 14:30

The money he is saving not paying his rent and bills and food

You need a serious chat going forward

He pays half the bills /food or he moves out

Ans will then find his self paying a lot more as rent and full bills ans food

MrsAllsorts · 08/11/2023 14:30

Personally I would tell him to move out immediately.

Tinkerbyebye · 08/11/2023 14:32

get rid

wildwestpioneer · 08/11/2023 14:33

A unanimous response !

He's a cocklodger - get rid of him!

redastherose · 08/11/2023 14:37

Yep, cocklodger!

Tell him to pay up starting right now, whatever contribution you want towards the bills, the increased Council Tax etc or he has 30 days to find somewhere else to live.

You are not a charity.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 08/11/2023 14:43

he sneers

Then he can sneer himself right back out of your home again, can't he?

Who do YOU think he is? It's obvious he thinks he is Mr Entitled to Everything You Have. But who is he to you?

Pack him up and put him on the other side of your front door, permanently!

VickyEadieofThigh · 08/11/2023 14:51

Georgeandzippyzoo · 08/11/2023 14:26

Sorry I'm normally a calm, non confrontational person but I really wouldn't even give him the option of deciding to pay from now. I'd be kicking him out ASAP. He has no respect for OP and is happy to show it!

Absolutely agree. That old saying "when someone shows you who they are, believe them" applies here - he has shown the OP exactly who he is and I wouldn't even consider the notion that he can be any better.

momtoboys · 08/11/2023 14:54

I just don't understand why so many women let men move in with them and their children without any sort of planning or god forbid, being married. I would bet there were signs before he moved in that he was a loser but you ignored them. Now you find yourself with a free loader that is intricately involved in your children's lives and feels he has to contribute nothing for him or his child. Good luck getting him out now - he's be crazy to give up this gravy train.

Shakespearesister · 08/11/2023 14:54

He saw pound signs when he met you! Move in with you into a property with no mortgage?
With respect, he is a leech and you need to get rid- now!

Nicole1111 · 08/11/2023 14:57

I’m sure finding his own accommodation and having to be responsible for the rest of his life would make him realise just how much you’ve been doing for him

Crumpleton · 08/11/2023 14:58

If he has a key to your house you need to somehow get that back, with or without his knowledge.
Then in all honesty as you seem to do everything else for him I'd pack his stuff up and either put it in the boot of his car if he has one or leave it on the

I really wouldn't even waste my breath trying to explain why as it sounds as though he doesn't listen anyway and you'll only get everything turned around on you with a dose of him playing the poor victim in all this especially if he says it'll impact on him seeing his DC as he'll have nowhere to stay.

Must add it would seriously piss me off on its own that I'd cooked for him, him that contributes nothing to the bills and the selfish git buys his own sandwich, not even giving a thought for me or buying a takeaway to share, without any thought that food I'd bother too cook and paid for is going to waste.

waitholdup · 08/11/2023 15:00

AncoraAmarena · 08/11/2023 12:56

That's not the question though is it? The question is 'AIBU expecting him to contribute?'. The answer to that is surely 'no, YANBU', despite what anyone thinks about the OP letting themself be walked over.

OP asks " I am being unreasonable "

This is a forum, and I can answer the question how I see fit - OP is unreasonable for putting up with this shit - Clearly its not right that he lives off her and her mortgage free house. Clearly she should have kicked him a month after he refused to pay or contribute in any way?

SpringleDingle · 08/11/2023 15:07

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He is a coklodger and you are allowing this. He needs to pay his share of rent, utilities, food etc.. and do his share of chores willingly and without you needing to ask. Anything else shows his lack of respect and care for you.

DUMP!

suitsyoumissus · 08/11/2023 15:08

YABU because you should have chucked him out within weeks, not been a doormat for 6 months.

AncoraAmarena · 08/11/2023 15:16

waitholdup · 08/11/2023 15:00

OP asks " I am being unreasonable "

This is a forum, and I can answer the question how I see fit - OP is unreasonable for putting up with this shit - Clearly its not right that he lives off her and her mortgage free house. Clearly she should have kicked him a month after he refused to pay or contribute in any way?

The question the OP actually asks is:

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

But, hey, you answer whatever question you fancy just because...well, this is a forum and 'you can'. Go on, have a bash at her for putting up with it. Helpful. 🙄

MeridianB · 08/11/2023 15:20

Don’t ask him to pay. Ask him to leave!

rogueone · 08/11/2023 15:26

Your poor kids, you brought a cocklodger into your home and he also uses your home to see his child. Think of your kids and move him back out...

Clarefromwork · 08/11/2023 15:28

He is loving life right now

binkie163 · 08/11/2023 15:28

@Ihaterhymingrabbit
'So sick of these threads.'
Amen to that, christ on a bike!
I try not to be rude but how can women be so stupid? and with children.
It reeks of desperation, easier to pay a Gigolo/male escort at least she would be calling the shots and guaranteed good sex!! Cheaper in the long run and easier to get out the house.
What do women see in these useless cocklodgers?

Penguinmouse · 08/11/2023 15:28

Get rid! If he hadn’t moved in with you, he’d be paying rent or a mortgage. He needs to start contributing towards the household costs.

Zanatdy · 08/11/2023 15:29

He’s taking the P massively