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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday party ignorance

287 replies

superdupernamechange · 06/11/2023 18:05

Long story short -
I sent out birthday invites over a week ago to the children invited to my child's 5th birthday party. (Let's say around 15 children were invited)
The invites were a bit badly put together (printed them myself) but I included the information -
"(Insert name here)'s birthday party"
"Date and location"
"Time of party"
"Phone number - any questions please ask" (yes I definitely wrote the phone number down correctly)
"Please RSVP by (insert date) with name of child and whether you are able to attend, thank you."
It's been over a week now and I have not had a single reply.
There is only a few days left until the RSVP date.
I'm unable to chase the matter up with most of the parents, for a number of reasons. (Silly reasons, but I am unable to nonetheless)

Would it be unreasonable of me to cancel the party if I receive no replies by the RSVP date?
This seems like the most logical thing to do.

My worry with this is that people will still turn up, even having not bothered to respond. They will then be met with no party and I will be the bad guy at the school gates for letting their children down.

On the other hand, why would I go ahead with something that quite possibly nobody will turn up to. I don't want them to think the world revolves around them, and that I will go ahead with it even with no responses.

What would you do?
This is my first time planning something like this and I am really stuck for what to do.
Thanks.

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 06/11/2023 18:12

How did you give them out? The fact that you have not received a single RSVP would make me think that the invites didn't make it to the recipients. If they were sent into school I would check with teacher that they aren't sitting somewhere. Also check with the parents you can contact.

If you had only had a few replies, and cannot contact the others directly, then I would send them a follow up note asking them to confirm

Original poster
superdupernamechange · 06/11/2023 18:19

Mothership4two · 06/11/2023 18:12

How did you give them out? The fact that you have not received a single RSVP would make me think that the invites didn't make it to the recipients. If they were sent into school I would check with teacher that they aren't sitting somewhere. Also check with the parents you can contact.

If you had only had a few replies, and cannot contact the others directly, then I would send them a follow up note asking them to confirm

Edited

Thank you for the response, I have had 0 replies. Not a word from anybody.
The teacher handed them out into bags during lunchtime - I know they were received as I heard at least 3 children telling their parents on the way out of school that day.
None of the parents really know each other. I certainly don't know anybody, and I don't have anybody's contact info either.
I asked the teacher about handing out follow up slips but they said they can't deal with it any further as it's now an out of school matter. Which I do understand

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 06/11/2023 18:24

How strict are the venue on numbers? I would invite some family kids/friends kids even if slightly different age groups to your DS then there will at least be some kids there. In my experience people do tend to turn up without having replied.

Original poster
superdupernamechange · 06/11/2023 18:27

Hellocatshome · 06/11/2023 18:24

How strict are the venue on numbers? I would invite some family kids/friends kids even if slightly different age groups to your DS then there will at least be some kids there. In my experience people do tend to turn up without having replied.

We've paid a deposit and said approx the number of children attending. The final payment is settled on the day.
What I don't want to happen is to go there and nobody turn up. It would then be a waste of money and time, and a disappointment for our child, which I really don't want.
If it were me, I'd have responded on the day, if not the day after at the max.
Sadly there's no other children In the family, and the only friends are the ones from school that have been invited...
If nobody has responded my initial reaction would be to assume that they are not attending

OP posts:
DNLove · 06/11/2023 18:29

It's completely normal that people don't rsvp or will do at very last minute. Totally rude but they has been my experience. At least 10 of life will turn up. You can't cancel as you'll din your childs social life through school by alienating yourself from other parents.

ABCXYZ17 · 06/11/2023 18:31

Most people are quite lax with this in my experience. It seems a shame to cancel but I see your dilemma. I think you’re going to have ti try and contact them, is there not a class WhatsApp group that you could get their phone numbers from? Can you remind your child to ask them if they’re coming?

LittleMooli · 06/11/2023 18:32

I'm unable to chase the matter up with most of the parents, for a number of reasons. (Silly reasons, but I am unable to nonetheless)

Chase up the matter with the parents you can

Original poster
superdupernamechange · 06/11/2023 18:32

DNLove · 06/11/2023 18:29

It's completely normal that people don't rsvp or will do at very last minute. Totally rude but they has been my experience. At least 10 of life will turn up. You can't cancel as you'll din your childs social life through school by alienating yourself from other parents.

I wouldn't say that would damage her social life. I think that is a bit unfair.
There is a huge possibility that nobody will turn up. And I think the disappointment of that happening would be far worse, when there's the potential to cancel , save that happening and plan something nice as a family instead.
I planned the party solely for her to have fun with her friends for her birthday. I actually have no interest in knowing the other parents really. It's not my thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
superdupernamechange · 06/11/2023 18:34

ABCXYZ17 · 06/11/2023 18:31

Most people are quite lax with this in my experience. It seems a shame to cancel but I see your dilemma. I think you’re going to have ti try and contact them, is there not a class WhatsApp group that you could get their phone numbers from? Can you remind your child to ask them if they’re coming?

There's no WhatsApp groups or online groups of any nature. Most of the parents don't really seem to talk or know each other.
There's been lots of birthdays since September but no parties (this is reception week are talking about) so we are the first ones to send out invites.

OP posts:
Original poster
superdupernamechange · 06/11/2023 18:35

LittleMooli · 06/11/2023 18:32

I'm unable to chase the matter up with most of the parents, for a number of reasons. (Silly reasons, but I am unable to nonetheless)

Chase up the matter with the parents you can

I don't think I exaggerated this enough ... I've briefly spoken to ONE parent since September ...

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 06/11/2023 18:36

Focus on who you can contact. Then if they say yes see if they know anyone else to ask. Who collects dc? Could they ask about at pick up. Is there definitely no WhatsApp group?

Dragonsandcats · 06/11/2023 18:36

if you see the kids and parents coming out of school could you ask them directly?

Needmorelego · 06/11/2023 18:36

Are the parents there at school drop off or pick up?
Could you have a list of the names and physically go up to the parent and say "Hi, I need to tick or cross off on my list if (child) is coming to (daughters) birthday. Are they coming? Thanks".

AtomicBlondeRose · 06/11/2023 18:38

When is the party? Totally normal IMO not to get replies until near/past the RSVP date (we all do it!). You get used to it to be honest and just cater accordingly.

Heatwavenotify · 06/11/2023 18:38

You've stated an RSVP date which hasn’t actually passed and you’re thinking of cancelling because nobody has responded earlier than the date you gave?
Maybe relax a little and next year given a shorter time to respond in so you don’t feel so anxious.
People get busy and have in their heads they need to respond by x date. Hopefully that’s all it is.

Manadou · 06/11/2023 18:38

Do you think maybe the parents don't know what 'RSVP' means?

Original poster
superdupernamechange · 06/11/2023 18:39

Dixiechickonhols · 06/11/2023 18:36

Focus on who you can contact. Then if they say yes see if they know anyone else to ask. Who collects dc? Could they ask about at pick up. Is there definitely no WhatsApp group?

Definitely no WhatsApp.
I collect her, but the issue is everybody I smile and say hello to either blanks me or gives a quick smile and hurries along.

OP posts:
Original poster
superdupernamechange · 06/11/2023 18:40

Dragonsandcats · 06/11/2023 18:36

if you see the kids and parents coming out of school could you ask them directly?

I would do this, which brings me to the next issue, DD only wanted to invite the girls.
This is reception, they've only been there since September, I do not know who is a parent to the girls or who is a parent to the boys, so I wouldn't know who to actually approach.

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 06/11/2023 18:40

By the way....you don't have to become friends with any other parents but it is helpful to talk to them as a way of keeping communication open.
Why have you only spoken to one parent? I always gave a cheery "Good Morning" to whatever parents happened to be there when we arrived. I struggled with anxiety during the few first years my daughter was in primary - but I always said Hello to people.

Original poster
superdupernamechange · 06/11/2023 18:41

Needmorelego · 06/11/2023 18:36

Are the parents there at school drop off or pick up?
Could you have a list of the names and physically go up to the parent and say "Hi, I need to tick or cross off on my list if (child) is coming to (daughters) birthday. Are they coming? Thanks".

I wasn't allowed a list of names to even write the invites in the first place. So they were blank and the teacher handed out the correct number to each of the girls.

OP posts:
Original poster
superdupernamechange · 06/11/2023 18:42

AtomicBlondeRose · 06/11/2023 18:38

When is the party? Totally normal IMO not to get replies until near/past the RSVP date (we all do it!). You get used to it to be honest and just cater accordingly.

The party is just over a week away, the RSVP date is 4 days away, and the invited were handed out over a week ago, nearly 2 weeks ago

OP posts:
Gazelda · 06/11/2023 18:42

When is the party?

I think you need to be assertive and actually go up to the parents at pick up time and ask them to confirm whether or not they're coming. You can do this politely and with a friendly manner.

Surely a few short convos with people you're likely to meet frequently over the next 6 years is preferable to cancelling the party?

everywherebear · 06/11/2023 18:43

if you cancel the party you’ll have to tell the parents as some of them might just turn up! You’ll have to ask some of them when you go to collect your daughter from school - work out which ones are picking up one of the girls and just politely ask!!

FortofPud · 06/11/2023 18:43

Take some spare invitations the day after the rsvp and speak to parents as you pass them. Big smile, "can I just grab you for a second - I'm not sure if the party invitations made it to the parents. Here's a spare just in case it went missing, let me know either way if your kiddo can make it, we'd love to see you there if they can". No question to answer or putting them on the spot and takes 10 seconds per parent. You can do it!

TheresaCrowd · 06/11/2023 18:44

superdupernamechange · 06/11/2023 18:40

I would do this, which brings me to the next issue, DD only wanted to invite the girls.
This is reception, they've only been there since September, I do not know who is a parent to the girls or who is a parent to the boys, so I wouldn't know who to actually approach.

Show quote history

You'll see them picking up a girl so you can approach them then.