To read my daughter's WhatsApp messages

[JoelyJoe]

So. This is a genuine question, and I'm prepared for strong opinions either way, but I would really like to know what people think.
My daughter has just turned 13, she is in year 8 at school and has had a mobile phone since year 6. When she got the phone I told her the deal was that I would read her WhatsApps from time to time.
My reasons are to protect her / her friends, and to ensure that there is not bullying or situations / content that I think are inappropriate at her age. Social Media did not exist when I was young, and while I know that it can't be put back in the box, I think think there are inherent dangers... as many people do.
As I said, I have always been upfront with her that I will sometimes look at her messages, I don't do it very often, and obviously at some point in the near future (not sure exactly when though!!) I will stop doing it.
Any thoughts? Am I invading her privacy or is this a necessity to protect our young people... And for those of you who also do / did the same, at what age did you stop??

Its not ideal, and it does feel like a bit of an invasion of privacy. But, social media is so dangerous for children and to be honest I don't think they should even be using it, so if the compromise is that they know you will check it, then they have a choice. No social media, or monitored social media.

Agree

Actually part of having a trusting relationship with your kids in the context of phones is talk about why you need to make occasional checks and engage them in how it's looking out for them.

Some people are missing the point that it's not just them but looking too at how other kids are communicating.

every day til your DC left yr 11 & was 16 years old??? okay then. That's not normal btw

I don't think it's an invasion of privacy at all, my son had a phone at 11 (which his Dad got him - I wanted to wait until 13), I found a horrible porn video on it that a school friend had sent him! Also, the bullying that goes on now via social media is awful.

coming from someone who also had a phone at that age AND a mother who had a detailed conversation with me about internet dangers + learning about it constantly in school, you are invading her privacy at this age. you need to establish a trusting and supportive relationship with your child to either NOTICE their behaviour change (could be due to bullying if becoming closed off) or having an open conversation with your child that you trust them and appreciate that they trust you to talk about things. without this, or continuing to look through messages, this can create a sneaky child who will hide things from you as they withdraw from their privacy being invaded, they create a separate/secret life (i do not blame children that do this at all, completely understandable!)

Definitely check it. I think it’s a bit neglectful not to, tbh.
At my dds school, at the year 7 induction, we were asked by the head of year to regularly check our children’s phones and report to school any large WhatsApp groups (school dont like large WhatsApp groups) and any name calling/bullying or inappropriate pictures. In all honestly I don’t know anyone that doesn’t keep an eye on their children’s phones.

I work as a police call handler and the amount of calls I take from distressed parents because their child has been found to have sent / received sexual images is frightening (and it's usually the ones who say my child would never do that). Please keep checking the world is a fkd up place these days. I honestly wouldn't give my child a smart phone at such a young age (a Nokia brick is fine for making calls and texts).

She's 13 and still a child so any responsible parent would make sure that all messages and correspondence are appropriate. Obviously we as parents aren't going to agree with everything we see so have to be prepared to let a lot slide and not have conversation about everything we see. It's called being a responsible parent, she's a child at the end of the day and social media can be toxic and there's too much opportunity for predatory behaviour and bullying. You're right to feel how you do and I think you're doing a great job 👍

Sorry you sound so tired!!! But if your evening/day has to stop at 9.30pm then I agree you aren’t getting anytime to do anything other than chores and parenting. You need to sort your evening out so
you have free time earlier on. I look at my spaghettis phone as I watch tv in the evening after all my dc are in bed.They are aged between 1 and 13.
It takes less than 30 seconds tbh.

Had I not have accidentally seen a photo on my daughters iPad (linked to phone) I wouldn’t have been able to put a stop to the 17 year old boy messaging her what he would like to do to her and realised he was sending her naked photos (she is 13)
so whilst I never actively checked her messages and still don’t really, I will now and again check her phone briefly.

I wish this was a poll.

I check 13 year old's phone from time to time (deal we made when he got the phone aged 11) but last time I did there was a message on there saying 'stop looking at my phone, nosey mum'!

To the ones say it's an invasion of privacy. Look at the screenshot I took from ds WhatsApp last weekend. I am still thinking about how to approach his friends' mum as we are very close.
The text did not bother ds but I can't say this about myself.

I've only read the OP's posts, the second of which gives me an idea of the responses she has received.

When my son first got his smart phone (1/2 way through year 6) I was quite clear that I would be checking it to make sure that he was using it correctly. In essence he knew it could not be used for anything he didn't want me to see, such as a diary.

As he progressed through secondary he knows I will only check it if I have concerns, either coming from him, or towards him.

When he had his first girlfriend I checked it. I found inappropriate photos. I came down HARD.
When the school called a few months later to report that a girl had sent my son inappropriate photos I was pleased that I had managed the earlier situation myself, not that the school might have found them and that I would have had no idea.
It is my job as his parent to protect him and to teach him appropriate use.
I have talked it over with a friend in the police force.

I think this is great. So many adults struggle to navigate social media and messaging - you can see it on MN all the time when people ask how they should respond to texts/deal with whatsapp groups etc. So the idea that we just leave kids alone to navigate it all for themselves is ridiculous.

Teach them how to communicate effectively, how to protect themselves, how to establish reasonable boundaries and so on. Also giving them the opportunity to say "No, my mum checks my phone" is excellent advice.

13 is a difficult age to be trying to navigate social relationships and I think kids this age need their parents' guidance.

This was the deal with our now 13 year old too. I do still (very occasionally) have a read and she is fine with this and understands why, too.

In a day and age where bullying/abuse/spurious behaviour can happen at all times of the day and night, it’s my parental responsibility to ensure she is safe, and is also exhibiting good behaviour too.

so far no issue or push back.

On two occasions I have had to involve the police after checking my daughter's phone. The first time someone was trying to blackmail her for nudes (she was 12) the second time she was knowingly speaking to a man in his 20's and talking of meeting up (she was 14). She now has limited access and social media because she cannot be trusted. Absolutely do check your child's phone, at 13 she is just that.. a child and children can be childish and irresponsible funny enough.

Not really sure what checking her messages will achieve. She’ll just delete anything she doesn’t want you to see straight away so that when you do check there’s nothing out of the ordinary to see. Better off maintaining honestly from the start than to check on something that you’ll never actually see

Better off maintaining honestly from the start than to check on something that you’ll never actually see

Obviously that would be the ideal, but 1) people are not always honest, and 2) children are vulnerable and innocent/naive and can get in over their heads and scared and overwhelmed

👆🏻this!!!! Your house, your rules OP, but the world is a very different place to the one we grew up in and by checking their phones it is not about snooping, it is about supporting, educating and protecting…. A friend of mine recently found out one of her children was being groomed online at 14, sensible girl that she was as teenagers their
cognitive abilities and risk assessment abilities are not fully developed and when parenting we are all responsible for ensuring their wellbeing.

You’re inciting trouble. All this will do is lead to her deleting messages and go out of her way to bury information. I work with teenagers, if they don’t want you seeing it you aren’t. You might think you are. But you aren’t. Anyone who thinks this is an effective safeguarding measure is deluded.

What you should be doing is teaching safe use, trust, open relationship etc.

You’re inciting trouble. All this will do is lead to her deleting messages and go out of her way to bury information. I work with teenagers, if they don’t want you seeing it you aren’t. You might think you are. But you aren’t. Anyone who thinks this is an effective safeguarding measure is deluded.

What you should be doing is teaching safe use, trust, open relationship etc.

I think it would be a condition of having a phone for me. Its not about snooping or invading privacy, it's about safeguarding and i think as long as you're upfront and honest with her about what you're doing and why then I think that's acceptable. My dn is fairly responsible, her mum checks her phone at times and she found some worrying things on it that needed to be dealt with. Things she'd never have expected to find going on how mature my dn is for 13.

I think it's something that comes as part of an open and honest conversation with your dd and is as you say under review until you feel she can handle having a phone and the social pressures that can come with it safely.

I do think op it'll be one where you need to pick your battles very carefully though.

Are you for real? Why is everyone acting like she’s 18. She’s 13 fgs!!! Barely a teen. Ofcourse it’s ok to check her messages to make sure she is using her phone responsibly! Gosh you’re vile sounding anyway, no need for the f really!

Yea that’s a little it. Borderline abuse if you ask me? Up til they finished their GCSEs! Jeez, they didn’t even have a life then? That isn’t normal at all