Told teens mum she was drunk in a field!

[Stephjo35]

I have a daughter who is 14. She's a good girl,typical teen always had a lovely bunch of friends.

We live in a village for context,and a local festival / fete was on in the next village along.

We took all 3 kids, 14 11 and 7. When the time came I went home,but teen wanted to stay with her group of friends she had bumped into. Yes no issue.

However she called me a few hours later to collect her,as she had become separated from the group. Once I collected her she informed me a friend had taken vodka and was VERY very drunk somewhere without parents. She said the girl had been thrown out of the event and she had no idea where she was.

Undoubted I did the right thing,and called the girls parents and told mum the situation. I was looking for the girl but couldn't find her.

Girl eventually made it home,being 14 she was in alot of trouble. The idea of what could have happened was awful and I felt bound to call her Mum.

However,my poor daughter has now been kicked out of the friendship group at school. She's labelled a snitch and nobody will talk to her.
She is so angry with me,and now hands school. Every morning is a battle getting her into education. These girls are bullying her.

Was I in the wrong calling the Mum? How do I make things right with my own teen? I feel so guilty to my own child,for trying to protect another. Did I over step the mark?

I actually think you and your daughter need to get angry. You’ve both been horribly mistreated. You were literally in a position of life and death for this girl, there’s absolutely no way you could have done anything else.

These girls are physically abusing her?! Im seething about it, I don’t understand how you’re not more angry 🤷🏻‍♀️. By the way, I have a very determined and headstrong 14 year old girl so I know what attitude you’ll be receiving.

The world doesn’t start and end with this ‘friendship’ group as your daughter believes and even though it’s a village school there are still going to be plenty of other girls to meet up with, still quite normal for girls to swap groups in year 10 from my experience.

Get angry (not at each other), you’re on the same side……. Try to spend some time together reconnecting and absolutely go to the school or the parents (I’d rather go to the school). Your daughter won’t like you for it but I think that’s too bad tbh. Sometimes we have to make a choice between doing what’s right and suffering not being liked very much.

Please keep us posted, your daughter must feel awful, she’s a wonderful friend who did the right thing, I hope she remembers that 💐

This happened to me as a teen. One of my best friends, mums was the schools behavioural lead, and she was STRICT. Both at home and at school, she caught us all drinking and drove us home and marched us in front of our parents. I would have never fallen out with this girl she was one of my best friends, and even if I had, I certainly wouldn't have bullied her as I don't have that about me.

Your DD isn't going to see it now I'm afraid, but if this is how these girls have reacted, then good riddance. Call the school your DD is unlikely to make new and better friends whilst still having the confidence kicked out of her.

I agree - it can’t get any worse can it so I think you should report the whole thing to the school.

Thinking about it at my dds party a girl got blind drunk. I saw her reeling about so went down to see if she was ok. The other girls had already rung drunk girls mum who came to pick her up. Totally normal responsible thing to do. They were 16/17.

That was awful of the mother. Trust me, next time none of her friends will say anything which just makes her own child less safe.

She should have challenged her daughter without brining you or your daughter into it. I’d be fuming 😡

You didn’t right thing of course but that mother has no spine if the least she could do in return was leave your daughter out of it.

I agree these girls are being horrid as well but they are 14 and it’s much easier said than done to make new friends. Most people, especially at that age, really need a friendship group so I’d try to figure out how this can be reconciled if at all possible… I would really struggle though with seeing one of my kids bullied.

Could you sleep at night if you knew a 14 year old was drunk in a field and you did nothing about it and something happened to her?

I suspect the answer is no. Therefore you did the right thing.

I've been your daughter, in a village.
I cannot believe people here are telling you that you did the wrong thing or that your daughter was wrong.
The people who handled this badly are the other kids and the mum for letting on the source of the info she could have said the organisers called when they chucked her out.
I mean, I think they should have called as these were underage girl being chucked out in a vulnerable state.
Hopefully your dd will find better friends or some of the other girls will realise what could have happened and come back to your dd. They might just be following the crowd without thinking. I'd be tempted to tell all the parents. Surely some of the other kids might have a second thought and realise your dd did the right thing.

You did the right thing, but unfortunately your daughter is the one suffering as a result. She’s lost her friend group and is actively being bullied now, both things that can/will have a long term impact on her.

You did the right thing

OP, yes you did the right thing.

That mother is the absolute dregs to have named your daughter.

The friends are awful too.

Something similar happened a few weeks ago in one of my daughters circles, she wasn't presen🙏.

One girl was absolutely drunk very suddenly and her 3 friends were worried she had been slipped something.

They are underage, 16, and shouldn't be drinking.

They stopped a police car which brought her home.

She hasn't been out since, no phone etc, 4 weeks later!
Parents, absolutely furious.

Not a mention of bad feeling among the girls, not a word.

Obviously my daughter has huge sympathy for her friend who is in the dog house at home, but they all know the girls were doing their best to look after her.

These are not nice girls and their mother is a disgrace.

I know,overall I think that's why I posted. Mum guilt is awful. I made a decision as an adult,to protect another child.
But I've hurt my own child,and it doesn't feel nice.
I've watched her struggle at school for 4 weeks now,with girls that a being vile in a very underhanded way.
My actions will affect her long term,and the guilt is real!

I am SO tempted to contact the parents. Village life so I know where most live and/or have parents numbers.
But my girl is adamant I don't get involved! Now I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place,because I already went against her wishes when I informed the parents about drunk friend.
I know right,other mum was shitty,I asked her not to mention E ! She assured me she wouldn't as well. Yuk

It’s hard to know what to do in that situation tbh. While the school could intervene in the bullying, it would be unlikely to change their feelings towards her, so in effect she would still be isolated and/or the target of more subtle aggression. In a small school/area it makes it difficult for her to get away from it.

While she may come to see you did the right thing, that isn’t necessarily going to be any sort of justification or salve for the unpleasant consequences she’s living through at what is a vulnerable age anyway. Unfortunately it’s likely to have consequences for your relationship with her too, as outside of her blaming you for this predicament, it’s now very unlikely that she’ll trust you with anything sensitive.

I really wouldn’t press on her that you were right to do it, even if you. If you do she’s going to take that as ‘you going through this is worth it to me’. She’s seeing it from her own perspective, which is different to yours. You may have done ‘the right thing’, but she’s the one that has to shoulder the consequences.

I would listen to her, don’t compound it by ignoring her wishes here. At least you know what’s going on currently, don’t create a situation where she feels she can’t trust you to share anything with at all.

At that age talking to the parents will be seen as ‘running to mummy and daddy’, and that will be another stick they’ll use to beat her with.

When mine were teens, if my daughters told me things like this, which they did, I'd make sure mine were out of the situation and leave the rest to it.

Once my child was home the other teens were not my issue.

I think though there is context here too. Your DD got separated from them (why...) and the vodka girl got kicked out (before they got separated?) And did you know if someone was with vodka girl?

So many things here that aren't known. It could be that the girls ditched your DD (because she didn't want to drink, or they didn't want her to be with them), went off drinking, vodka girl gets kicked out, but other friends are with her (key thing here ..) or not.... And your DD maybe doesn't know full facts and that's why she is being ostracized? Maybe not only seen as 'no fun' (because not drinking) but also a snitch as vodka girl was 'fine'?

I'm seeing it like someone upthread. Your DD has different values to the rest of the group- and that was reinforced by her telling you and you reacting. That's ok (and I still agree you did the right thing)- I suspect this has been noticeable and bubbling for a while with the other girls otherwise she would have been included and wouldn't have become 'separated' when the drinking started / got out of hand.

Its a tricky one.

And this.

this is predominantly about adult v child thought processes. As adults we know you did the right thing, as long as the girl was genuinely unable to be found and drunk. If any of that was wrong and she was with others, then your kid maybe caused an issue. For kids they see it as she was fine and now she’s in the shit due to your child.

the mum should not have mentioned. But I do wonder if what your child said was wholly true and if it wasn’t that’s why the mum told her.

personally I’d have found thr other girls and spoken to them. As I’d wonder if there was not more behind this on what happened on the day with your daughter, and that that’s the real cause of the exclusion, or if the mum didn’t really tell her, that the other girls worked it out as they were all together and your daughter the only one not with them and going home

You need to IMMEDIATELY go to the school with this and you tell them what has happened and is happening and they need to put a stop to it.

This is beyond your daughter (and you) trying to sort it out.

A teenage girl from my village died earlier this year because she had been separated from her group of 'friends' when drunk and it was only when she didn't arrive home at the alloted time and couldn't be located that the alarm was raised - had one of those kids she was with alerted her parents, the police or just a responsible adult to the situation, that girl might still be alive.
But unfortunately it's also possible that if they had and she'd been found in time, the person raising the alarm would have been treated like your poor DD.
Teens generally feel invincible and they wouldn't even consider what the outcome could have been actually happening to them, but as adults we know that it can and does. This girl is alive and unharmed so they won't consider there could have been any other outcome and therefore the telling to parents was unnecessary and caused a problem where there wasn't one - although going home that drunk would have been noticed by parents of a 14 year old I feel!

I think you and DD did absolutely the right thing and it's so wrong that the girl in trouble and her friends are deflecting the wrong doing onto your DD.
But if DD doesn't want you to get involved in the fall out, then I don't think you should to be honest, as hard as that is. Your DD is hurt and angry and she's blaming you because she lacks the maturity and life experience to understand the situation you were in, as she does with this one and I do think that respecting her request not to get involved may help your relationship with her a bit - even if you explain it as you couldn't respect confidentiality last time as someone was at risk, but you will now - as long as someone isn't at risk - as that's where the game changes, when there's a real risk of danger to someone.

I think if I'd been in this situation with my DD I would have advised reporting the bullying and assaults herself and focussing on the fact that she didn't do anything wrong and nor did you - their reaction is the wrong one, and if they're willing to treat another person that way in a situation like this, they're not very good people at heart.

Really tough situation for you both though, it's horrible watching them suffer but even worse when it's because they did the right thing.

The school need to intervene now or the police. The whole group need to be addressed. I wouldn't talk to the parents anymore. It is unacceptable. I would ask the school why the 14 is still at their institution?

You both did the right thing in that moment. Can you have a word with mum/girl and basically tell them to back off

It seems like the girls mum might be part of the problem. Didn't know where she was or what she was doing. Read the riot act when a responsible adult pointed it out to her. Gave away the name of the girl she promised to protect and is now not dealing with her abusive daughter.

Although the mum may have dropped OP’s daughter in it, due to the nature of the event, she will have learned of her daughters behaviour from multiple sources.

Everyone knows everyone in villages, you can’t fart without someone noticing.

I agree with this. She should be so grateful to you for letting her know. She shouldn’t have mentioned your daughters name to her child. And she should not be letting her daughter behave like this towards yours.