Told teens mum she was drunk in a field!

[Stephjo35]

I have a daughter who is 14. She's a good girl,typical teen always had a lovely bunch of friends.

We live in a village for context,and a local festival / fete was on in the next village along.

We took all 3 kids, 14 11 and 7. When the time came I went home,but teen wanted to stay with her group of friends she had bumped into. Yes no issue.

However she called me a few hours later to collect her,as she had become separated from the group. Once I collected her she informed me a friend had taken vodka and was VERY very drunk somewhere without parents. She said the girl had been thrown out of the event and she had no idea where she was.

Undoubted I did the right thing,and called the girls parents and told mum the situation. I was looking for the girl but couldn't find her.

Girl eventually made it home,being 14 she was in alot of trouble. The idea of what could have happened was awful and I felt bound to call her Mum.

However,my poor daughter has now been kicked out of the friendship group at school. She's labelled a snitch and nobody will talk to her.
She is so angry with me,and now hands school. Every morning is a battle getting her into education. These girls are bullying her.

Was I in the wrong calling the Mum? How do I make things right with my own teen? I feel so guilty to my own child,for trying to protect another. Did I over step the mark?

You did the right thing. This girl should be thanking your dd, what if she hadn't made it home. Do the parents know their daughter is doing this now? I'd be inclined to speak to her again depending on the type of person she is?

God, it's hard being a teenager. You absolutely did the right thing, but it's awful that these girls are behaving this way. As others have said - sometimes you realise your friends aren't really your friends, and as awful as it is for your DD now, at least she knows. Does she have other friends?

This group of friends are behaving horribly. I would encourage your daughter to find a new friendship circle, away from school. It's hard being a teenager. You absolutely did the right thing in telling the drunk girl's parents though.

Yes! I started The phonecall by saying,I'm telling you xyz because I think you need to know. However E is seriously unhappy I'm making this call,so I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention her name in any repercussions to your daughter. Mum said yes,I won't mention your daughter.
Mum infact did mention my child,hence the drama!

You had no choice and did the only responsible thing.

If bullying is happening now, blame the bullies (and, a little but, the bully’s mum who snitched in your daughter!).

If she now hates school maybe consider whether a move is an option but as a first step talk to the school re she’s being bullied.

Thanks Ladies and maybe gents too.
Feel relieved that lots of others would have done the same too.
Guess it's time to sit and wait for my teen to forgive me.
Have / am encouraging her to make new friends. However very small school,and being in year 10 now,most girls / boys have very solid friendships with one and other now. X

If the girls are pulling her hair, pushing her over, etc., then surely that's assault?!

It's a difficult situation. I remember being phoned up one Saturday evening by an unknown youngster saying that my 14 year old daughter was drunk on vodka in the middle of the main road. Went and got her, looked after her and made sure she was ok and didn't have alcohol poisoning. Teenagers do these things and I can't help feeling that maybe the girl's mother's (over)reaction (she was in a lot of trouble) has exacerbated this situation with the girls.

I've always made it clear to my children that they must let me know if they or their friends become ill after drinking or taking drugs. No judgment or punishments - just a sensible approach to ensuring safety.

I'm really sorry for both you and your daughter. It's a shitty situation!

I did this kind of shit as a,teen and would have hated an adult telling my.parents
But now being the parent of a 16 year old a diabetic 16 year old at that.
It horiffies me ,of course you did the right thing .

The girls parents would have noticed surely if she turned up paralytic. This is horrible though, but you did the right thing. I’d have probably driven around and looked for her, but ultimately you did what you had to as an adult. Her friends are being nasty bullies

I would have one try with the school and perhaps contact the girls parents.and if they don't resolve the bullying by christmas I would move school - on the basis that it is enough of the school year to settle to a new place and being pre gcse - any later would be more disruptive.

Shouldn't have to but this girl sounds like a piece of work - proper trouble maker and your dd is probably better without her as a friend - drinking that much vodka at a village fete that you are kicked out and lost in a field at 14 and severe bullying is not the actions of a healthy mind.

And any more physical attacks call the police as assault

No real advice just wanted to say been in similar situations as my son is really open with me and I’ve then had to inform a parent why he wasn’t allowed to hang about with their son - he got called a snitch and got a lot of stick. It did blow over after a month or so - the girls will eventually forget it try not to worry.

Op you did the right thing and so did your daughter.

This is besides the point but this kind of story is one of many reasons why I'd never live in a village again (I grew up in one). Your poor dd is so limited in options for friends because there are so few same-age peers around (compared to a large school in a city). So she's that much more vulnerable to the whims of the Mean Girls. She should be proud that she did the right thing in spite of the peer pressure. But sadly IME these friendship rifts sometimes never heal. She could be in store for some long lonely years ahead.

If there's an option to sign her up for a new sport or club, that could be a good way to make new friends.

OP, I know it's not much help in the short term, but one day that girl will realize you did the right thing. Not your fault and not your DD's fault, both of you did right. I know you don't want to compound things but would it be worth contacting your DD's Head of Year at school? If bullying is happening at school they ought to step in. Actually not only that but maybe school could (at some point in the future) even run an alcohol awareness assembly where they talk about the dangers of alcohol poisoning? Either way I know this isn't much help in the short term but you both will get through.

Calling school can make this so much worse for your daughter, especially if she asked you not too (as she currently perceives you have done the wrong thing with her friend) - they cannot be with her all the time and cannot protect her from this level of bullying- my 17 nearly 18 yo is in 6th form the bullying by the girls is like nothing I could have believed- I thought they would stop as they got older (some are now adults) but they haven’t!!

I hope though your DD has been able to make some new friends, although as they are in yr 10 friendships will be solid and it maybe you have to look at a new school, as these friendships can affect her at the most crucial times.

I did drive around looking for her for about 20 mins before I rang the mum. It was getting dark,and after speaking to mum. The girl was meant to be sleeping over with a third child,who she had also become separated from.

You know what,I didn't even think of that at the time. I was just in mum mode,omg a teen girl in the dark drunk and alone. Thanks for that piece of advice,it may just come in handy some time.

Ps sorry to hear about the 6th form bullying. You'd honestly assume they gre out of that stuff wouldn't you? If anything these year 10s seem more brutal than whilst they were in year 7 and 8!

Nice to hear opinion from someone who understands village life,options are incredibly limited. Word of mouth passes quickly,and that makes things incredibly difficult at times!
I'm.a city girl at heart,been in this village 6 years. Lovely lifestyle,but education and kids wise,we've discovered some interesting challenges you don't think of!

Yes, it will be scant comfort now but one day your DD and all her friends will know full well that you and she did the right thing and be grateful. Anything could have happened if the other lass was missing and tanked up on vodka at that age. DD didn't grass her up for downing a cheeky half.

You can't make them befriend her again immediately but I think they will in time. Make the school aware so they can hopefully stop this escalating and manage it.

Ps that's my fear mummymummy. I could potentially have caused her two tough school years,to protect someone else's child. Right choice or not,it sucks for E. Village life is savage!

One day she might be a mother and will totally get why you did this.

You did the right thing undoubtedly OP. Your poor daughter - 14 is a horrible age in my opinion and teenagers that age can be especially vicious. It sounds like there’s a queen bee of the group dictating what happens as per usual. Hoping your daughter can find some decent friends very soon as it does not sound like they’re worth it xx

I am a bit shocked at the organisers throwing out a drunk 14 year old, into a field in the dark on her own.She was a minor clearly put in an extremely vulnerable position, and i don"t know what your daughter and her friendship were thknking of by not sticking with her.I know this is what would have happened in my own dd's friendshop groups.The rule is that you look after people you go out with!

I cannot speak for the event organisers!
However,I can vouch for my daughter,that there was a family festival and several underage children chucked out of the event. My daughter rang me instantly to explain what had happened and that she had stayed inside the event safely,waiting for me to pick her up. (I Had told her the conditions of me allowing her to be there,was that she didn't leave the grounds)
I think she did the right thing waiting,but I can see where your opinion is coming from.

This is awful.

Part of my thinks encourage your ds to apologize for getting her in trouble and explain it was only because she was worried about her and she won't tell her mum if friend is drunk again and ask if they can move on.
BUT they sound like a nasty bully bunch and also probably a bad example if getting that drunk at 14... so perhaps talk to your daughter about who else she could befriend at school are there any others she could make more effort with etc? It's not impossible at that age even though girls are cliquey