Told teens mum she was drunk in a field!

[Stephjo35]

I have a daughter who is 14. She's a good girl,typical teen always had a lovely bunch of friends.

We live in a village for context,and a local festival / fete was on in the next village along.

We took all 3 kids, 14 11 and 7. When the time came I went home,but teen wanted to stay with her group of friends she had bumped into. Yes no issue.

However she called me a few hours later to collect her,as she had become separated from the group. Once I collected her she informed me a friend had taken vodka and was VERY very drunk somewhere without parents. She said the girl had been thrown out of the event and she had no idea where she was.

Undoubted I did the right thing,and called the girls parents and told mum the situation. I was looking for the girl but couldn't find her.

Girl eventually made it home,being 14 she was in alot of trouble. The idea of what could have happened was awful and I felt bound to call her Mum.

However,my poor daughter has now been kicked out of the friendship group at school. She's labelled a snitch and nobody will talk to her.
She is so angry with me,and now hands school. Every morning is a battle getting her into education. These girls are bullying her.

Was I in the wrong calling the Mum? How do I make things right with my own teen? I feel so guilty to my own child,for trying to protect another. Did I over step the mark?

Op your dd knows you did the right thing. It's why she told you in the first place because she knew her friend was in a vulnerable position and it was a situation where she needed an adults input.

She's now angry at you, because she is hurting and scared and the whole thing is so unfair, she can't be angry at the girls because she knows they feel betrayed and embarrassed, but she also can't be mad at herself because she did the right thing. So she's mad at you. Because there's noone else to be mad at and she knows you care enough to forgive her rage.

I'd trust her on her ability to manage the girls but keep checking in and I'd be really praising her for her maturity in speaking up and trusting her gut. I'd also try and get her to think about if these girls were actually good friends to her if they'd ice her out so fast and get her to think through who else in the school might she like to get to know better and make more effort with. These things are so tough in the moment but they are a really good life lesson in sticking true to yourself and your gut instinct and being strong in doing the right thing.

You were right, I hope the moment comes where you can discuss with your daughter why you felt you had to , i.e., the implications and many dangers the girl was in , the very least of which choking to death on her own vomit but much worse could have happened to her and what would she personally do/have done in your position knowing the dangers?
Mean girls they sound like and hopefully they learn a lesson before it is too late
Keep on being the fab human being and mum that you are! X

Both you and your daughter did the right thing, just sometimes doing the right thing is difficult. Your daughter was clearly worried about her friend which is why she told you. If the friend had been drunk but with their friends and safe, she probably wouldn't have told you and even if she did, you probably wouldn't have felt the need to contact parents. The point is, the girl wasn't safe, she was alone, compromised and your daughter couldn't find her, the parents needed to know.

If your daughter is being bullied by these girls, it sounds like she's better off without them. I'm 28 and remember having tons of fallouts with my friends in high school, not once did they push me or pull my hair though. In regards to what you do next, it's a tough one. I'm inclined to say follow your daughters lead, but if it continues and your daughter seems unhappy, I think you will have to report it.

In the long run, your daughter will see you made the right decision, its just hard for her because at that age, your friends are your whole world. I'm sure in time she will make nicer friends and she will look back and say " thank god this happened and I'm not still friends with those horrors!!

I want to contact school regarding them bullying her,think hair pulling,pushing her over etx.

That has gone over from bullying to abuse OP.

Like, proper physical abuse.

You will have to report it. So sorry for your daughter. Awful.

She did the right thing by her friend who could have been seriously hurt or attacked by a stranger in that situation.

Heartbreaking but these girls have shown their true colours, she needs to try and make new friends and consider this a lucky escape.

I'd sit dd down and tell her you duty as her mum is to keep her safe. If these girls are pulling her hair, pushing her it will escalate. Is there any teachers or support staff she trusts enough to confide in, that won't act immediately but start to keep an eye on dd, catch these girls in the act.

BTW this happened to me. Luckily mum got me I to cadets and redcross junior section and I made forends that weren't at school.

I had a similar thing
I was taking my 12 Yr old and her mate on hol. Something happened and I said I wasn't taking her anymore.
The girls group bullied her for over a mth and the school couldn't get a grip of it. Getting called a grass just made it worse.
In the end I told her to fully blame me. That it wasn't her who stopped the holiday but to point the finger at me.
That worked for a while and they made up. However...
Othr bullying happened and bow my daughter hadn't been to school in a mth.
Bullying will happen everywhere...
This is such a hard age and my child is asd and adhd (so probably a lot worse for her?).

We can only try and teach them about real friendships and resilience and why we do the stuff we do (to protect them)°
Such a hard age...

I had a similarish situaion with my DD, it was a few years ago now so I can look at it objectively. It obvious to me now that these girls were not truly her friends and were bitches, they would have found a reason to exclude her sooner or later, she also realises this now too, although it was sad for her at the time. If they hadn't, she would probably have gone down the same path as them, so probably it was a blessing.
Does your daughter have other people she is friendly with?

DS has kept me waiting for over an hour late at night when I’ve been picking him up from a night out. Slightly older than your DD. Every time it is because he has been making sure a drunk friend who he has come across on his way to the car park, is safe.
He saved a girl’s life when she passed out in a jacuzzi at a party. He was accused of taking advantage of her by a couple of girls who misread the situation. But the girl later admitted that she’d had way too much to drink and was really grateful he’d been with her.
Unfortunately, the girls who thought he’d taken advantage of her were all too quick to spread lies .He survived it and is adamant that despite the hassle he got the alternative would have been unthinkable.
He was and still is very open with me. I have been sworn to secrecy at times but I have happily looked after a few of his friends who he’s brought home because he’s worried about them. He would never forgive himself if anything happened to them. And I know his close friends’ parents have done the same.
When DS was spiked and was separated from everyone it was a major wake up call for them. They are super vigilant now.
At 14 it’s all about being cool and grown up. There is no doubt that her ex friend will do it again, next time your DD won’t be around and her other friends may be too scared of the consequences to their friendship to do the sensible thing. Hopefully this isn’t a tragedy waiting to happen.

I was that drunk teen at 14 and it never even occured to me to be mad at the friend who phoned my mother.
Those girls sound awful and if they have that in them to act like this then it's better that your daughter is away from them in the long run. A good group of lovely friends would never act like that even if they were pissed off.

You have to report it.

Hi OP,

You did the right thing. Your post reminded me of a tragedy which occurred in my home town 25 years ago: https://www.independent.co.uk/news/missing-teenager-froze-to-death-1194626.html

I agree with the previous posters who suggested that the group were looking for an excuse to kick your DD out. I have experienced this personally (but in different circumstances.)

Is it possible the group were trying to phase your dd out and this incident was convenient to them then as an excuse to be nasty? Getting separated, meeting a bunch of them there (were they already all there together?)... this is suspicious to me.

I know the other girl got separated from the group also but she was thrown out so it makes more sense.

You did the right thing.
Her friends sound horrible and not like true friends. I think going to the school or their mums would just make things worse. Would your daughter consider moving schools?

Of course they would ostracise her, she's now seen as a grass. It's a hard one to decide what's the best thing to do but you must have known this would happen. It's going to take time for them to forgive your daughter if at all.

You both did the right thing, OP.

If that girl had been attacked while blackout drunk, what're the odds the so-called friends would have blamed DD for not telling any adults?

Some day that girl will realise that your daughter was the only one of her friend's mature enough and decent enough to actually give a shit about ensuring she got home safely.

A friend like that is worth their weight in gold but these girls are too immature to realise it.

Unfortunately in life, doing the right thing isn't always the popular thing. It doesn't still important and I hope your daughter never loses that.

How good are the school? Can they address it discretely? Your daughter shouldn't have to suffer.

You know you did the right thing, and so did your daughter, village or not. At 14 most kids are so naïve and it sounds like this lot are very unworldly and extremely immature. This silly "friend" of your daughter is very, very lucky nothing happened to her.

Sadly it will probably take the girls either until something does happen or until they're parents themselves before they understand what could have happened.

Your daughter deserves better friends than these.

My mum's the same, she was badly bullied at school. When
1 girl fell out with her she got everyone to stop talking to her. My mum's never forgotten it and urges everyone not to be a bully.

My 30yr old nephew was also badly bullied, he now has MH issues and considered suicide. He doesn't leave the house.

Bullying at school can have a massive impact on your adult life.

I am a bit shocked at the organisers throwing out a drunk 14 year old, into a field in the dark on her own.She was a minor clearly put in an extremely vulnerable position

Exactly this. I would be sending a complaint to organisers and whoever let them be there, such as local council who issued a permit for the event. I understand your immediate concern regarding ramifications for your DD, but surely you must see it’s a duty to point out to whoever issues the permit for the event (likely council) that this is unacceptable and needs to be addressed. You don’t need to do anything further, that’s then for council to take up with organisers, and also to put on its checklist for future with any other organiser when issuing a permit. Having drunk 14yo’s chucked out and wandering around in a vulnerable state is utterly outrageous and needs flagging.

This. Absolutely reach back out to the girls parents.

Well, they were always a bunch of bullies, they just weren’t bullying your daughter before. So, even when this eventually blows over, if it does, it’s probably better that she’s not in a friendship group that are the bullies of the school. Not that that makes it any easier. I wouldn’t talk to the mother though, she wasn’t reliable last time, so I doubt she will be this time.

your daughter is a good friend because she did the right thing to help her friend, even if it wasn’t the easy thing to do. At the age of 14, I had a friend who got drunk after a party, in a field. We didn’t know that she was on her own and she was raped.

Your daughter did the right thing, and so did you.

Now you have to call the school and tell them what's happening.

I would contact the school. The mother has shown herself to be totally incompetent. If that doesn’t work, I would go round to the house and tell the mother that if the bullying doesn’t stop, you will be addressing it with the police as her daughter has been assaulting yours.

Remind her very strongly that she is to blame for everything that is happening as she didn’t keep your confidence. That you only told her as you and your dd didn’t want her to be raped or found dead. So she needs to sort it out properly this time.

Having been bullied badly, I am absolutely fuming for you dd. She acted so responsibly. You absolutely did the right thing. I have a year 11 dd so I know how delicate this is.

I don’t think dd’s friends would act in this way, she seems to be friends with a lot of her classmates and I think another group, or even the boys, would take her under their wing… not that this is consolation for your dd. But is there perhaps a girl / boy she used to be friends with when younger, who would take her under their wing? Or maybe another group? I made friends with another girl when I was dropped at 14 by my friend by just going over to chat to her every break and lunchtime in the playground.

At 15, I was bullied for the entire last year of school and the girls got physical with me too. It was really really miserable and escalated to rumours about me having STDs, X very strong girl wanting to beat me up (later confirmed she was on my side etc) and so forth. It was quite messy.

I also asked my parents not to involve the school as I thought it would make it worse. If I could go back to that time, I would tell my parents to be actual parents, to protect me, and not listen to me. So this is why, rightly or wrongly that I’d get involved.

I did actually approach the school when dd told me a girl in her class was being bullied. Dd’s school seem to be very sensitive to keeping confidences in general. You could find out a specific incident or where it happens and ask the teachers to say they saw it so your dd is no grass. More recently, dd’s school came up with a cover story for me regarding an incident I informed them about.

If nothing works, I think the suggestion of moving schools at Christmas is good, if you can find a place and get your dd there.