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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told teens mum she was drunk in a field!

133 replies

Stephjo35 · 05/11/2023 20:39

I have a daughter who is 14. She's a good girl,typical teen always had a lovely bunch of friends.

We live in a village for context,and a local festival / fete was on in the next village along.

We took all 3 kids, 14 11 and 7. When the time came I went home,but teen wanted to stay with her group of friends she had bumped into. Yes no issue.

However she called me a few hours later to collect her,as she had become separated from the group. Once I collected her she informed me a friend had taken vodka and was VERY very drunk somewhere without parents. She said the girl had been thrown out of the event and she had no idea where she was.

Undoubted I did the right thing,and called the girls parents and told mum the situation. I was looking for the girl but couldn't find her.

Girl eventually made it home,being 14 she was in alot of trouble. The idea of what could have happened was awful and I felt bound to call her Mum.

However,my poor daughter has now been kicked out of the friendship group at school. She's labelled a snitch and nobody will talk to her.
She is so angry with me,and now hands school. Every morning is a battle getting her into education. These girls are bullying her.

Was I in the wrong calling the Mum? How do I make things right with my own teen? I feel so guilty to my own child,for trying to protect another. Did I over step the mark?

OP posts:
Elvis1956 · 05/11/2023 22:28

Odev · 05/11/2023 20:51

You did the tight thing once in possession of the information.

But your daughter did the wrong thing giving you info in the first place.

A friend of a friend was raped in such a situation. If they had told a patent or even me and my mates (all male and slightly older 17) it wouldn't have happened

Maddy70 · 05/11/2023 22:34

Safety first. Your daughter will sort it out. Just say she was worried and couldn't find her so she told her mum so she could help look fpe her

Fionaville · 05/11/2023 22:38

I'm putting myself in teen mode for a minute. I had this exact situation when I was that age. My friend being completely out of it drunk. I didn't tell my mum when I got home, because I knew friend another friend with her and it would cause more trouble if I told my mum.
Unfortunately, I think your daughter probably has learned not to tell you stuff like this anymore. All you can do is reiterate that you were worried for her friends life and promise that you'll never betray her confidence again.
As for the bullying, I know for a fact that if I had told my mum and she'd done what you did, my friends would not have turned on me. It just wouldn't have happened. Friend probably would have had a little go at me for telling, but it would have been forgotten.
So I feel like these girls were looking for an excuse to turn on your daughter. Friends don't turn to bullies that easily.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 05/11/2023 22:40

What makes me so mad about this situation, is that if this girl had been raped and left for dead, your DD would have been a hero for raising the alarm. I grew up in a village myself, and village life with bullying girls is an absolute NIGHTMARE! In your shoes, I'd be inclined to get your daughter a place in a different school a.s.a.p. before this has time to ruin her future.

I was friends with a girl in the village I lived in from the age of 5, but as we got older we made different friends, and lost touch after leaving school, I eventually spoke to her again about 25 years later, having found her in the early days of social media. She called me one day, and all she could talk about, all that time later was the girls who had bullied her in school! It really stuck with me, just how much she had been damaged by it, and I'm sorry to say that your DD is about the same age. So even if it means moving out of the village you live in, in your shoes I'd be prepared to do it. I'm SO sorry for what you and your DD are going through.

Pumpkintastic · 05/11/2023 22:41

Take it to the school. They need to deal with the bullying. Completely unacceptable.

Allthecatsandcosyblankets · 05/11/2023 22:44

I've been in this situation OP it's horrible but you did the right thing. The other child's mother is a complete dick for revealing you/your daughter told her, especially after you requested she didn't. I would be livid at her, she must have no common sense or she just doesn't care.

The other girl will most likely end up in that state again and now she won't have any 'snitches' in the group which is frightening because her own mum potentially won't find out next time. Just take comfort that your own daughter isn't that group anymore if they are all drinking alcohol at 14

Catsfrontbum · 05/11/2023 22:45

How to approach-

DD needs to try and stand up for herself with these girls- she can try and pick them off one by one. Either by some appeasement/humour or some intimidation. I think a firm stance of intimidation to one of the weaker girls is probably her best chance.

When one of them is alone- tell her to go up and say in a firm strong voice that they are to leave her be. Be assertive but calm. In her face and stern.

if that doesn’t work then she might have to escalate.

or

they do something- laugh at them. Show that it matters not one bit. Roll eyes. Make it known that it doesn’t matter. And start investing in some other mates. Does she do anything after l/outside school with anyone she can develop a friendship with??

I wouldn’t bother with the mum. She’s fucked you over. She will do it again.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 05/11/2023 22:49

Something similar happened to one of my DDs at 15. She understood why I had to speak to the other parent, but she was incredibly angry at me for it.

In the end I encouraged her to show that anger to the other girls. She ended up getting back in the group by snapping at one "And I have to live with a Mum I can't trust, how am I lucky?"

It's not an ideal situation, and not remotely how I would have handled it in an ideal world, however we live in a small village and there were very few options for her friendship group wise.

Now they're all uni age the kids in question have actually apologised to her, and to me actually, over the whole thing. It was a very difficult 6 months navigating it all.

smilesup · 05/11/2023 22:55

TheaBrandt · 05/11/2023 20:42

Really difficult situation. No good deed unpunished.

I hate that phrase because its not true. The people I know who do good things tend to have much happier lives surrounded by sound people than those that do nothing.
OP you did the right thing. Your daughter's friends are no friends at all and though tough she is probably better away from them.

fruitsalad87 · 05/11/2023 22:59

I don't think there's any going back to this friendship group now after the vile way they have treated her. The only thing I can see working is informing the school and her parents, the friendship isn't going to be mending but the bullying can't continue.

dancingdaisies · 05/11/2023 23:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

grumpycow1 · 05/11/2023 23:07

I’d have to talk to the school and their parents especially if they are being violent. Your poor DD but she is well rid of these non-friends.

SarahSays1 · 05/11/2023 23:08

exclusion is bullying.

I'd go to see the other mum in person. Get the other mum to explain to her child that yours was trying to save her life, and they need to stop excluding her immediately. And that if they don't, that leaves you no option but to go to the school, reporting them for bullying and exclusion with the full story.

Cas112 · 05/11/2023 23:11

I know as a mum you did the right thing, I know as a teen I probably would have fallen out with your daughter.

Obviously as an adult I know this is wrong but teen girls can be awful. Alls you can do is support her when she's upset and ensure her this will blow over, encourage her to divulge in different social activities than what she has been doing and see if she can make any further friends there

Blueeyedmale · 05/11/2023 23:12

You absolutely did the right thing, vodka is nasty a 14 year old could have easily ended up with alcohol poisoning, your poor daughter it's horrible that your daughter is being excluded because you had the girls safety in mind

sunsetsurfer · 05/11/2023 23:19

You 1000% did the right thing. A friend did the same to me and my insanely strict parents...25 years later we are closer than siblings and our kids are close but also dob each other in.

SandyWaves · 05/11/2023 23:21

I would tell the drunk girl's parents about the bullying from their daughter and mates.

You did the right thing and potentially saved that girl. The girl is obv facing some sort of punishment as the parents must be mad at her.

Tell them.

If that was my daughter, she would certainly know that this is unacceptable and I would thank you for telling me what she and her mates are doing,

Snugglemonkey · 05/11/2023 23:25

This is so awful. She did the right thing, you did the right thing, but it has not paid off. The story would be entirely different if the friend were in danger and were saved by her actions, but your daughter is suffering because everything turned out ok. It just really sucks. I know she would have been ostracised by my friendship group at that age too. Sadly, doing the right thing really dies nit pay off sometimes.

BillieJeanIsNotMyLover · 05/11/2023 23:37

Friends come and friends go. These are people that are best to let go.

Healthandsocialcaremodule · 05/11/2023 23:55

Give the school one chance to sort it or I'd be going to the ring leaders mother and explaining that if they can't be friends they can at least back off - otherwise I'd be very vocal about the groups behaviour and how their awful children are drunk at 14 running around the village wild while their mother is 'shooting the messenger' rather than dealing with her child.

Healthandsocialcaremodule · 05/11/2023 23:56

There's always kicking fuck out of the ring leaders mother in town for being a grass but that's more Netmums than Mumsnet.

LeakyPipes · 05/11/2023 23:59

It's a difficult situation, and I realise your DD is only 14, but I think you should have a very frank conversation with her and explain that she is being very unfair to you. She needs to understand that sometimes situations are so serious that there's a 'right' thing that has to be done, and that you had to do it even though it might cause embarrassment for her with her (completely inadequate) friends. I hope she can start to see past it, but either way you undoubtedly did the only responsible thing.

Ella31 · 06/11/2023 00:00

Odev · 05/11/2023 20:51

You did the tight thing once in possession of the information.

But your daughter did the wrong thing giving you info in the first place.

Give over, I would never regret telling my daughter she could tell me anything and particularly something that could save someone else from harm.

user1492757084 · 06/11/2023 00:00

Talk to the school.
Them talking to the bullies might not help but they could also start a conversation about responsible looking out for friends and the dangers of not looking for drunk friends etc.
Your daughter is lucky to have you.

AutumnLeaves333 · 06/11/2023 00:03

you and your dd have done nothing wrong, the issue has been caused by a lack of discretion from the other girls parents. They didn’t have to tell their dd that yours had provided the information and they should have realised that this might have had repercussions for your dd who had only tried to help!

Having said that I spent my whole teens drinking vodka in fields and I don’t think I would have held something like this against a friend and definitely wouldn’t have used it as an excuse to bully someone so I think maybe your dd is better off without these friends!