Sibling not coming to destination wedding - AIBU?

[hopefullynotbridezilla]

Anon for this..

Firstly I want to preface with I know that expecting people to travel to a long haul destination wedding isn't fair. So happy to be told we are being unreasonable on this but interested to know peoples thoughts..

Fiancés sibling was invited to our wedding (USA location, so a reasonable flight). Sibling never acknowledged either of us to say whether they would attend or not. We then heard through MIL that they weren't coming. We hadn't been contacted or even congratulated on the engagement.

We are a little hurt they aren't coming as they have high income and low outgoings (accommodation, bills and food all provided with job - not struggling, spend on designer clothes and shop in premium supermarkets, just for context that they aren't on minimum wage) also single and no children.

But obviously we need to suck it up on that one as we do feel a bit hurt but ultimately it was our choice to hold the wedding abroad and even if people can afford it they are completely fair to just not want to spend their money and time on the whole debacle of it all. I guess the reason we are hurt is they are the only close sibling/friend not coming so it stung a little bit.

But what I'm wondering is are we being unreasonable to expect to be told this directly? Whether phone, email or carrier pigeon I don't care.. but going through someone else is just a bit off. That's the bit that has hurt my fiancé the most as it's like he hasn't even acknowledged the engagement or the invite itself.

Not sure if we are being over sensitive on this so happy to be corrected!

When he comes back here he doesn't have a car sometimes. Also there was a while he couldn't drive etc.

It's not that we feel like he doesn't appreciate it necessarily it's just that he's quite hard to read sometimes and it can come across as rude. I don't think it's intentional though and he can be very sweet and helpful. We have a good relationship but it's different to the other siblings, less chatty I guess.

He does know yes

@hopefullynotbridezilla I was coming on to say similar,anything drugs related means you are ineligible for an ESTA

well in that case, the brother clearly, for whatever reason can’t muster it up to tell you guys directly.

If he’s crap at any kind of potential social awkwardness hopefully they’ll at least still come to the UK do.

He is being unreasonable by not being direct - but sounds like it might be something he’s just not very good at. Maybe you could just approach it gently and sensitively with him
and say “so sorry you’re not coming to the US, we’ll miss you loads, let us know if you change your mind and can’t wait to see you at the UK celebrations”. Sounds like you need to be the one leading on it because,
for whatever reason, he can’t/won’t.

if he can’t because of social anxiety:neurodivergence/generally just not good, it saves the future relationship with you all by showing compassion and no bad feelings. If he is just being an arse you’ll also find out but at least you will have been the more reasonable party.

apologies if nay of this has already been said - 21.20 is way past my bed time these days 😂

Thank you.. sorry I didn't realise destination weddings were such a sore subject on here! That might explain some of the shitty responses I've been getting then!

Op are you actually upset because you need him to come to hit quota for your parts of the wedding to be covered? For your package deal and meals etc? Eg if 15 people come you get a deal and so you need to know if 14 or 15 are coming. Is that really what the upset is?

Are they your birth parents or adoptive parents? I’m a little confused as you’ve said both. Are you American and raised there or your birth parents are American? I still wouldn’t attend, but would find it easier to understand if my SIL was American and wanting to get married in her home state. Otherwise I wouldn’t understand the having the wedding there and I wouldn’t attend either.

Sorry, I wasn't going to explain any back story as didn't think it was relevant and didn't want to out myself. Didn't expect to get so heavily judged on my choices so was explaining in response to questions as they were asked, and wanted to show that there are many reasons for people doing things and not to judge on assumptions

We would have contributed yes - I don't want to list out specific details as I've already said a lot of specifics on here

I wouldn't expect a gift whether you were attending or weren't. If you are travelling abroad for my wedding, I'm providing the gifts, not you. (Hence the welcome bags I mentioned and covering more costs than usual etc)

YANBU for expecting an RSVP of "no"

Only possible reasons I can think of:

1. Miscommunication - he expected MIL to pass it on or maybe MIL is just making some stuff up to speak for him
2. He's socially weird or anxious
3. Related to anxiety or maybe executive dysfunction, maybe he was sort of trying to find a way to make it work, or at least was telling himself that (so only preliminarily told MIL he might not be going) but left it all the way to the last minute or till it was too late
4. You or your DH easily offended, or at least he thinks so so he doesn't dare to respond to you
5. Weird dynamics/history/backstory between you and DH and him and maybe MIL (or maybe even a one sided grudge)

I'd like to think if you read the full thread you wouldn't find my choices embarrassing but thanks for the judgement anyway

Is it at all possible they have a criminal record that would bar them from entering the USA that they perhaps wouldn't want to share with family members? I mean it's probably just that they don't want to go though and are being rude by not telling you directly.

Well she did which is fine I just wish he didn't feel uncomfortable to just say. It's not like we are going to kick off. I'm not sure why some posters seem to think people would?

So are you paying for the flights, accommodation, meals etc? What's in the 'welcome bags' that makes their expense worthwhile if you want them to pay for everything?

Wow thanks again for the judgement. Vanity wedding for wanting my birth parents to be able to be there as it might be my only chance? Do you need to be so mean when you clearly haven't read this properly

OP I understand your issue. Yes it is rude that he has not responded.

Having read the rest of your posts about his actions/behaviour, I agree with previous posters that it is worth considering:

1. He is secretly in love with you. OR
2. Previous arrest or conviction for something means ESTA waiver application may be refused, therefore USA holiday not an option.

And Congratulations!

This is great advice thank you. We will do this at the family meal rather than directly as I think he would feel more comfortable that way

You've said he might be autistic - if so then YANBU but I do have some sympathy with him as a fellow autistic, because I also ignore messages when I don't know what to say in response, until it becomes more awkward to say something than to continue ignoring the message.

If it helps at all, when I have done this I have mentally drafted a hundred responses and rejected all of them as having the wrong tone / being overly long and explainy / being overly terse and probably rude / being too chatty / being too formal or otherwise failing to get across the exact response I want. I have also woken up at 3am worrying about what to say several nights running, vowed to myself today is the day I answer That Message (and it never is) and then for months or years later mentally come back to it and had a bout of self-loathing for my communication shortcomings. It would be so much easier to just answer the frigging messages but I find it almost impossible to reply to a message if I am replying with an unexpected or unscripted response.

I know it's rude - he probably knows it's rude too - but communication can be hard with autism. And far from ignoring the invite, he may well have thought of little else since receiving it, it's just that he hasn't communicated any of it to you.

Thank you. Maybe I am overthinking this. Appreciate your reply.

I don't actually know why you op (like many others!) have posted on album, if the only acceptable answers are yanbu and the bil is wrong!

I won't ask if that's the case.. I don't think he has an actual criminal record though.

OP I'm not sure asking him onfront of everyone at a family meal will do his social anxiety any favours. I'd probably get your fiancé to text him before ye are due to see him next, ask if he is coming as ye want numbers etc etc, and smooth it out so there is no awkwardness the next time ye are each other. Texting will give him an opportunity to word a response

I don't think the only acceptable answers are yanbu and the bil is wrong, but I do think the only acceptable answers are the ones to the question she actually asked and not the one that half the posters are responding to...

Not RTFT but destination weddings are annoying, and more so if it's close family as you feel bad about not attending. For friends it's easy to say no with no hard feelings if it doesn't suit.

For a destination wedding it would be polite to discuss in advance with close family, if the sibling isn't close then that's a different matter.

There are plenty of reasons it may not appeal other than cost. For a single person it's notmuch fun flying alone, staying alone, holidaying alone. They may not want to use up annual leave on an enforced holiday.

You laugh but this could actually be quite plausible!

If it is the socially awkward reason, I think I may know the female version of him. Good friend, known for years and she’ll never change but she avoids saying no to things she’s doesn’t want to go to, just kind of pretends it isn’t happening. I think she just can’t think of good reasons other than ‘don’t want to’ and finds it an awkward conversation so avoids it. We’ve (friendship group) tried to tell her we don’t mind if she doesn’t come to things but just to tell us one way or another, she says she will but it’s like she physically cant. It’s a good job we’ve grown up with her and know her ways as nobody would tolerate it from a new friend.