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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sibling not coming to destination wedding - AIBU?

353 replies

hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 19:56

Anon for this..

Firstly I want to preface with I know that expecting people to travel to a long haul destination wedding isn't fair. So happy to be told we are being unreasonable on this but interested to know peoples thoughts..

Fiancés sibling was invited to our wedding (USA location, so a reasonable flight). Sibling never acknowledged either of us to say whether they would attend or not. We then heard through MIL that they weren't coming. We hadn't been contacted or even congratulated on the engagement.

We are a little hurt they aren't coming as they have high income and low outgoings (accommodation, bills and food all provided with job - not struggling, spend on designer clothes and shop in premium supermarkets, just for context that they aren't on minimum wage) also single and no children.

But obviously we need to suck it up on that one as we do feel a bit hurt but ultimately it was our choice to hold the wedding abroad and even if people can afford it they are completely fair to just not want to spend their money and time on the whole debacle of it all. I guess the reason we are hurt is they are the only close sibling/friend not coming so it stung a little bit.

But what I'm wondering is are we being unreasonable to expect to be told this directly? Whether phone, email or carrier pigeon I don't care.. but going through someone else is just a bit off. That's the bit that has hurt my fiancé the most as it's like he hasn't even acknowledged the engagement or the invite itself.

Not sure if we are being over sensitive on this so happy to be corrected!

OP posts:
Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 21:07

Branleuse · 05/11/2023 20:40

Maybe he's autistic? Maybe he has other social communication difficulties? Maybe he thinks a destination wedding is his worst nightmare, and he has no idea what to say, and has gone full ostrich.
Maybe he doesn't like you that much, or maybe it's like that bit out of love actually, and he's been secretly in love with you for years?

Oooof I hope not the latter. We get on well, there is no drama there. I think shy/social challenges/possibly autistic is nail on the head though

OP posts:
StarlightLime · 05/11/2023 21:07

hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:00

Please don't assume it's some kind of big pretentious event just because it's abroad. We have our reasons for doing this and it's actually very small, intimate and rustic so not at all this stereotype you have created there. There is more than one way of doing this.

They have left it too late to approach us directly now.

Show quote history

You're flying to the USA for small, intimate and rustic? Ok.

JaninaDuszejko · 05/11/2023 21:07

It's not really a 'destination wedding' though is it, it's where your birth parents live. You might have got slightly different responses if you'd said 'in the country I was born in'. There's plenty who think destination weddings are rather gauche and disapprove on principle. I think making it possible for your birth parents to be there is a lovely idea.

I got married many years ago when destination weddings weren't a thing but still got a few friends being arsy about us having the wedding where I was from (in the UK). I think I was suppose to have the wedding close to where they lived rather than in my home, even though it was back in the day when my parents paid for the wedding.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 05/11/2023 21:08

hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 21:05

One of them may not be here much longer so I'm sorry if that might offend other people. Luckily our family have been very supportive and understanding.

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Why would that be offensive if there's been absolutely no inkling of it before? Unless you're trying to lay the guilt on people?

Manadou · 05/11/2023 21:08

Bloody hell. You don't have to be 'autistic' to not want to go to a vanity wedding thousands of miles away.

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 21:09

followmyflow · 05/11/2023 20:46

in my opinion you are being unreasonable for expecting people to come to america for you wedding and then getting annoyed when they behave a bit strangely/uncomfortably declining the invite. it puts them in an awkward position. you waive the rights to get upset about these things when you hold your wedding in the USA

We aren't expecting anything. We want all parents there and that's non negotiable. Everything else is. No expectations - this has been very clear since post 1, stop reading just the title.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 05/11/2023 21:09

StarlightLime · 05/11/2023 21:07

You're flying to the USA for small, intimate and rustic? Ok.

Show quote history

Why is small, intimate and rustic not possible in America??

cestlavielife · 05/11/2023 21:09

It depends. Did they have a conversation about the choice beforehand? Or just got sent an invite?

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 21:09

truroballbag · 05/11/2023 20:46

this is going to end up in the Daily Mail, isn't it?

Why? I don't think it's that exciting..

OP posts:
Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 21:10

YouJustDoYou · 05/11/2023 20:46

Destination weddings are selfish.

Maybe read the full thread. Then come back and call me selfish.

OP posts:
Caszekey · 05/11/2023 21:10

Manadou · 05/11/2023 21:08

Bloody hell. You don't have to be 'autistic' to not want to go to a vanity wedding thousands of miles away.

What's a vanity wedding and how does it differ from any other wedding centered around the couple?

saraclara · 05/11/2023 21:11

StarlightLime · 05/11/2023 21:07

You're flying to the USA for small, intimate and rustic? Ok.

Show quote history

Maybe read all OP's posts about why it's happening there? Hint: It's not your typical destination wedding reason.

StarlightLime · 05/11/2023 21:11

hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 21:02

That's a very fair comment thank you. It will absolutely not spoil our relationship with him at all. You are right though, this isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. We just need to accept how he is and that he's not meaning to come across like a bit of a shit, its mindless not intentional

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You're not coming across so well yourself, you know?

PetsAreBetter · 05/11/2023 21:11

hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 21:09

Why? I don't think it's that exciting..

Show quote history

Human interest piece that a lot of people will connect with?

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 21:11

Bigcat25 · 05/11/2023 20:49

My BIL has ADHD and is bad at staying in touch, especially for long distance relationships. Not an excuse really, but throwing it out there.

Not saying thanks for gifts is really shitty.

I have adhd too, he definitely doesn't have that. But possibly does have autism - I'm not going to try and diagnose him on here though. I think it just makes him uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Isthisexpected · 05/11/2023 21:11

My cousin got married in a field with hay bales...in America. Certainly not a vanity wedding compared to my friends and family in posh hotels in the UK!

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 21:12

JANEY205 · 05/11/2023 20:50

Your fiancée is odd for not speaking to their sibling about this. If my sibling wasn’t close enough to me to speak to me directly about their wedding I also wouldn’t use my time/money to go all the way to America. Flights and everything else are expensive in America and you are being massively unreasonable to get married there and moan people arent coming.

WHY America out of interest? You were rude to a pp who asked you why you were doing a destination wedding, but why are you getting married in America?

My husband is American and 2 of his siblings didn’t attend, but you know they spoke to my husband on the phone about it all as they are actually close enough to talk. Your fiancé doesn’t sound close to his brother at all so why do you actually care if he comes or not? We didn’t mind his siblings didn’t come as it was our choice to get married in the UK, where we actually lived. I’d find someone getting married in the US for no real reason odd and also wouldn’t want to pay to go.

I've responded to this

OP posts:
GettingColdFeet · 05/11/2023 21:12

Are you absolutely sure he hasn't responded (lost in mail, stuck in email outbox, gone in your spam, bounced back and gone into his spam)??

I do agree that maybe he just doesn't want to actually say no so hoping that your MIL would pass it on. The reason for not going seems unlikely to be money/kids, presuming annual leave isn't a reason due to save the date cards, that just leaves something much more vulnerable (anxiety, social difficulties, not knowing people etc etc). You said above you wouldn't probe for a reason but he doesn't necessarily know that. He might just feel really embarrassed and by using your MIL as a conduit it avoids the questions.

Personally I'd reach out to him really gently, possibly under the guise of finalising the numbers.

followmyflow · 05/11/2023 21:12

hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 21:09

We aren't expecting anything. We want all parents there and that's non negotiable. Everything else is. No expectations - this has been very clear since post 1, stop reading just the title.

Show quote history

i actually read the post, which is why i answered specifically about the invitation decline which was your whole question. power to your for having a USA wedding and im sure it will be lovely, but you obviously are expecting some people to come there if that's where you are holding it and you invited them. no need to jump down my throat, i didnt mean you were holding them all at gunpoint and demanding it. your fiance should speak to his brother himself but he probably felt awkward having to decline and making you and your fiance hurt, stung etc that he couldnt come.

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 21:13

Jakethekid · 05/11/2023 20:53

Is it possible he feels uncomfortable being around the birth parents and doesn't want to say this to you and your finance as it may offend ?

Sorry to clarify the birth parents are my side not his so no link here to him. Trying not to be too specific as to out myself

OP posts:
Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 21:14

Liverpool52 · 05/11/2023 20:54

Maybe they just feel awkward saying no outright.

Would you have accepted the no (from your posts sound like you wouldn't have done based on "they can afford it". Far from the only consideration for an overseas wedding - leave, simply don't eant to spend that amount of money on somebody else.) I have in laws who literally would not take no for an answer- couldn't afford it, my father was horribly ill, just didn't want to (perfectly valid). After all that the automatic answer is no because why would I want to spend time with arseholes like that.

So did they think they've couldn't say no directly because of the guilt trip that ensue?

Absolutely not, I am not confrontational in the least and wouldn't guilt trip him - he has every right not to want to come.

OP posts:
Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 21:15

keojam80 · 05/11/2023 20:56

They should have congratulated you and communicated with you about not going.

I think expecting anyone to travel from the uk to the USA for a wedding is unfair though, it is a lot of money for flights, accommodation, outfits, gifts and spending money. They may be able to afford it but they may choose not to spend that much on a wedding that isn't their own.
If it was my sibling, I would probably go out of obligation but I would find it a massive expense and upheaval.
But you don't know their reasons. It's your wedding, have it where you like but not everyone will want to go.

That is a fair comment. Hopefully those who have read my posts will understand I do have my reasons for doing this and it's not out of selfishness (at least I don't think it is?)

OP posts:
Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 21:15

Boomboom22 · 05/11/2023 20:56

I think he was once arrested or cautioned for cannabis and now I'd too awkward to say sorry I don't want to apply for a visa to the USA because I might be banned. Maybe mum and brother don't know about this. Just a thought 🤣

Haha this is actually quite funny because he did have this kind of thing happen in his teens! Now I'm feeling bad if that's the case 🤣

OP posts:
OhwhyOY · 05/11/2023 21:17

There are some nasty responses on here OP, ouch. I actually love a destination wedding, especially if a few people you know are going because then you can actually spend time with people properly over a few days rather than the snatched couple of hours that is often the case when you see people at a normal wedding. As someone with far-flung friends and family I appreciate people wanting to bring everyone together in this way. Caveated of course with not expecting people to attend if budget/leave/ circumstances don't permit. And your wedding is where it is because of personal circumstances re your parents so any posters bitching about the destination should shut it.

I totally get why you and fiance are upset, but I don't see why you don't just message the brother. It doesn't need to be a big deal and I think it's more awkward if it's an unaddressed elephant in the room. I'd just say 'Hey brother, RSVP deadline has passed, just wanted yo confirm you're not coming. No problem if not but just need to finalise numbers.' Job done!

Quirkyme · 05/11/2023 21:17

Your sibling is out of order.