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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sibling not coming to destination wedding - AIBU?

353 replies

hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 19:56

Anon for this..

Firstly I want to preface with I know that expecting people to travel to a long haul destination wedding isn't fair. So happy to be told we are being unreasonable on this but interested to know peoples thoughts..

Fiancés sibling was invited to our wedding (USA location, so a reasonable flight). Sibling never acknowledged either of us to say whether they would attend or not. We then heard through MIL that they weren't coming. We hadn't been contacted or even congratulated on the engagement.

We are a little hurt they aren't coming as they have high income and low outgoings (accommodation, bills and food all provided with job - not struggling, spend on designer clothes and shop in premium supermarkets, just for context that they aren't on minimum wage) also single and no children.

But obviously we need to suck it up on that one as we do feel a bit hurt but ultimately it was our choice to hold the wedding abroad and even if people can afford it they are completely fair to just not want to spend their money and time on the whole debacle of it all. I guess the reason we are hurt is they are the only close sibling/friend not coming so it stung a little bit.

But what I'm wondering is are we being unreasonable to expect to be told this directly? Whether phone, email or carrier pigeon I don't care.. but going through someone else is just a bit off. That's the bit that has hurt my fiancé the most as it's like he hasn't even acknowledged the engagement or the invite itself.

Not sure if we are being over sensitive on this so happy to be corrected!

OP posts:
Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:57

BodegaSushi · 05/11/2023 20:34

We have our reasons for doing this and it's actually very small, intimate and rustic so not at all this stereotype you have created there.

Oh no it's still fits the stereotype. Just a small group but they have all travel there? 'Intimate and rustic' lol are people travelling across the world to sit in a barn?

Travelling across the world because my adoptive parents will be there and one is dying. Is that enough for you?

OP posts:
LimeCheesecake · 05/11/2023 20:57

The fact this is a destination wedding (which a large proportion of MN hate with a passion so whatever you then said they would say you were being Unreasonable) is muddying the waters.

you invited someone to your wedding, you send a “save the date” then a formal invite, and at no point have they responded to say they aren’t coming. Saying no to an invite is perfectly reasonable, just deciding you aren’t going, telling other guests you aren’t going but failing to communicate your decline to the people who invited you is rude.

to clarify, get your DP to send a message asking if he’s coming or not.

Stop tying yourself up in knots about this - it is just rude to not tell the couple you aren’t going to their wedding.

Jakethekid · 05/11/2023 20:58

Apologies I thought it was your fiance that was adopted

ttcat37 · 05/11/2023 20:58

Sibling should have had the manners to decline the invite. Presumably you were offering to pay for them considering the expense that destination wedding entails for everyone invited. If you weren’t offering to pay for them then I don’t have much sympathy- expecting anybody to pay thousands just for your wedding is very selfish especially in the current climate.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 05/11/2023 20:58

readingmakesmehappy · 05/11/2023 20:06

Perhaps it's not a place they have ever wanted to visit. Perhaps they have already made their holiday plans for next year. Perhaps they don't have any holiday time they can book off from work. Perhaps they can't afford it.

I absolutely loathe destination weddings. Cost of attending a short haul family one for us next year is already £2000+ in travel.

Jeez some people on mumsnet are like dogs on a bone.

Her AIBU is very very clear, it's about how the brother did not even acknowledge the invite or tell them directly that he can't make it and yet you are all going on and on about how maybe it's a place he doesn't want to go to or he doesn't have annual leave, or how you loath destination weddings etc.

Love or loath them the right thing would be for the brother to acknowledge the invite, congratulate them and confirm if he can or cannot make it, simple.

OP would be unreasonable if they then get upset that he can't come as the rule is you choose a destination wedding be prepared for people to decline.

Daphnis156 · 05/11/2023 20:58

I would not go abroad for a wedding. Waste of time and money.
But I would say that I wouldn't be attending. And I would not give a gift.

exaltedwombat · 05/11/2023 20:59

I must admit to finding invitations that go 'Please come to our wedding. PS it's going to cost you £100/£500/£1000' very embarrassing. Perhaps they do too, didn't know how to respond and then it just got... sort of... left...?

WhatWhereWho · 05/11/2023 20:59

They are unreasonable in that the decision not to go should have been told to both of you directly, howeve they are not unreasonable in not wanting to go.

NeedToChangeName · 05/11/2023 20:59

hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:06

You've missed the point. That's not what my post is saying. I don't care two shits if he comes (fiance would like him there but we knew we can't guarantee these things), we would just like the invite acknowledged!

Show quote history

Maybe he's hurt that you booked a wedding overseas and "don't care two shits" whether he can make it

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:59

StaleCrumbs · 05/11/2023 20:34

I know a few people who have been invited to destination weddings who have actually been quite offended! Or at least irritated. (Not saying they should be!) I think because by definition it puts people under a bit of pressure to spend a lot more than they would usually. And by saying no it’s kind of publicly putting them on the spot in a way (or it can feel like it, from what I gathered from the people who I’ve spoken with who we’re annoyed by the invite!)

in your original post, I like that you have been upfront about understanding that there will be people not able to afford to attend a destination wedding. Id be interested to know though, if you have made it clear (via invites or verbally) that you understand that it might be too far/expensive/long for some people. If the brother has always been a bit standoffish, maybe he doesn’t know how to say no for the above reasons, or similar. And although you’ve rightly said it’s not fair to expect people to come to a destination wedding…. You also said they have the money, have no kids, have a good wage etc. So perhaps they feel the potential miffedness?

Having said that, regardless of their reasons, generally you are not being unreasonable to expect a congratulations and direct communication with the brother about their rsvp.

I hope you have a lovely wedding!

Thank you. I worded this in my invites, without explaining too much as it's so outing but everyone got a personalised message in the initial save the date and I stressed a lot absolutely don't feel under pressure to come, a party will be held after and we expect no gifts at either etc. I followed this up via message with everyone as well. I'd hate anyone to feel pressured or awkward about it

OP posts:
BlueMongoose · 05/11/2023 20:59

If you don't mind him not coming, what's the problem?
If you needed numbers for some reason, or wanted to chek he'd got the invite and you hadn't missed any reply, you could have made a quick call to say, just checking, are you thinking of coming or not?
I have travelled abroad to go to the wedding of a very dear friend who lives abroad in her home country. I wouldn't wish to for anyone who lived here, however much money I had. I'd have replied, but many people these days wouldn't know what RSVP meant if they thought about it for a fortnight, and would just assume that if they'd been wanting to come, they would have contacted you to say so.

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 21:01

TomatoSandwiches · 05/11/2023 20:35

Well of course he should have replied to you directly however he sounds incredibly socially awkward and my expectations would be low enough of him already to not be surprised.

How old is he?

He's in his 30s but I do feel he's emotionally a fair bit younger than this. In his career he is successful and talented but he still has a lot of help. I do think he has some ND or something that makes certain things a struggle for him. He doesn't want to get assessed for anything though, he doesn't believe in a lot of stuff in that sense sometimes

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 05/11/2023 21:01

I think you're over worried about something that isn't all that important. I understand your wedding is important to you but truly, nobody else cares about it.

You already know how this sibling is, so why bother to be upset about it?

He's a bit of an awkward loner and you know that. Your fiance is perfectly caple of texting or picking up the phone to contact him, but notice he can't be bothered.

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 21:02

Pleatherandlace · 05/11/2023 20:35

Try not to tie yourself in knots over this. Yes he should have responded to the invitation but some people are genuinely crap at this sort of thing. Especially if he hasn’t ever organised his own big events he might not know the etiquette of how to behave. Please try not to let it colour his relationship with his brother. It’s such a shame when weddings, which are essentially just elaborate parties, spoil family relationships because people get their feelings hurt over trivial issues.

That's a very fair comment thank you. It will absolutely not spoil our relationship with him at all. You are right though, this isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. We just need to accept how he is and that he's not meaning to come across like a bit of a shit, its mindless not intentional

OP posts:
Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 21:03

Schlurp · 05/11/2023 20:38

For an OP that was "very clearly" not about his decision to come, you did spend quite a lot of it explaining exactly how you were a bit hurt by that, how he could afford it, didn't have dependents etc. If you wanted to have no comments about that maybe put less of it in the OP.

Just wanted to be fully honest that's all. We are allowed to be hurt he isn't coming and accept that's our issue not his. If we had held it here I would have had a bigger issue with someone else not able to come

OP posts:
Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 21:04

MumblesParty · 05/11/2023 20:38

It’s sounds as if he’s already known to be socially awkward, and probably doesn’t know how to handle an invitation to something he’d hate going to. Destination weddings are my idea of hell and I’d actually be pissed off if I was invited to one. I’d want to decline, making me appear (unfairly) the bad guy.

Just wanted to say I don't think anyone would think you were a bad guy for not attending. I don't think any brides/grooms expect guests to come and if they do you probably don't want to be super close to them anyway..

OP posts:
Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 21:05

truroballbag · 05/11/2023 20:39

We are a little hurt they aren't coming as they have high income and low outgoings (accommodation, bills and food all provided with job - not struggling, spend on designer clothes and shop in premium supermarkets, just for context that they aren't on minimum wage) also single and no children

Honestly OP, you don't come across well here. Perhaps this sibling doesn't want to be judged about their lifestyle and life choices, gossiped about and wants to distance themselves from you....

It's not gossip was just context. I don't judge as I do the same sometimes.

OP posts:
Ilovelifeverymuch · 05/11/2023 21:05

Xil · 05/11/2023 20:10

I actually don't think it's odd that they've mentioned their intentions to their mum in what I'm sure was one of many conversations about a family wedding, and now think you've been told.

It would be more odd to approach you directly and formally announce what you're already well aware of.

Please tell me you're joking???

You think it would be odd to call, text or speak to your sibling about the wedding he invited you and let them if you can or cannot make it???? And the right approach is to go through your MIL?

Is that because you're scared to speak to your sibling?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 05/11/2023 21:05

YABU

I really don't like how you're talking about your future brother-in-law. Just leave him alone. It was not mandatory for him to respond and you knew his character prior to sending the invite.

"We just need to accept how he is and that he's not meaning to come across like a bit of a shit, its mindless not intentional" Really not nice.

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 21:05

SoIRejoined · 05/11/2023 20:39

Did your fiance a really phone him up and discuss with him? Is it possible that some family members feel you are prioritising the birth parents over other family members? It's a massive hassle to go to the US never mind the cost, no way would I go that far for a wedding.

One of them may not be here much longer so I'm sorry if that might offend other people. Luckily our family have been very supportive and understanding.

OP posts:
DinaofCloud9 · 05/11/2023 21:06

He probably thinks his mum has passed the news on to you.

PetsAreBetter · 05/11/2023 21:06

Some people find it really hard to say no. Yes, he should have responded if you've given him a direct invitation. So you're NBU expecting a response.

Try not to make assumptions about his reasons though. He may be terrified of flying (you said he didn't really go on holiday), not be able to get the time off work, his finances might not be what you think they are. I have a (childless) sibling who makes assumptions about my finances all the time and it's really frustrating. They think I should be able to come to their destination wedding but there is no way I can even think about affording it.

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 21:06

saraclara · 05/11/2023 20:39

It sounds as though both he and your fiance are equally uncomfortable with difficult conversations. The brother can't bring himself to say he's not coming. Your fiance couldn't bring himself to contact his brother on the cut off date to say 'haven't had your RSVP yet and need to be firm in the numbers. Whether you've decided is fine, I just need to know either way'.

Yeah we just didn't want to call him out that's all. I think we just draw the line under it now and accept his communication style is to avoid these types of chats

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 05/11/2023 21:07

BodegaSushi · 05/11/2023 20:32

Firstly I want to preface with I know that expecting people to travel to a long haul destination wedding isn't fair.

You didn't really need to say any more than this. The end.

Well it's not the end because that isn't the point of the thread. She said it to try to stop the tons of posts saying "omg it's an invitation not a summons, no one cares about your wedding, no one wants to spend that much money on you etc etc".

The point is he hasn't actually replied. He's just ignored the whole thing. Which is rude. He might be shy but he can muster up "look mate, wish you all the best and that, but I won't be coming to America for the wedding"

Ilovelifeverymuch · 05/11/2023 21:07

BlueMongoose · 05/11/2023 20:59

If you don't mind him not coming, what's the problem?
If you needed numbers for some reason, or wanted to chek he'd got the invite and you hadn't missed any reply, you could have made a quick call to say, just checking, are you thinking of coming or not?
I have travelled abroad to go to the wedding of a very dear friend who lives abroad in her home country. I wouldn't wish to for anyone who lived here, however much money I had. I'd have replied, but many people these days wouldn't know what RSVP meant if they thought about it for a fortnight, and would just assume that if they'd been wanting to come, they would have contacted you to say so.

The problem is her fiancee is rightfully upset that his brother cannot even reach out to him to let him know if he is or not coming to his wedding. It's not that hard to figure out.