Relative burned through funds and now mooching

[coldcallerbaiter]

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

I'd not blame your Mum. There look to be aspects of grooming.

The garage full of stuff...... don't some storage companies offer a couple of months at a cheap rate?

You could get a man with a van to take it to the storage place and pay for a couple of months - then it's his problem.

As he's used to living the easy life you may need to assist him finding accommodation, employment etc. Rightly or wrongly he's not going to be given money etc on a plate. As he's under retirement age he can't retire.

Whilst this may cost you time and some money it will, hopefully, make life easier for you and your Mum.

You need to actively check this OP. Take a look at the thousands of 80 plus year olds being scammed out of countless ££ by a stranger on the phone. Imagine how much harder it must be with the scammer living with you.

Your Mum has told you that she's too scared to come and stay with you in case he steals her house. She's said that for a reason. Even if she's too far away for you to find the time to drive over / you're too busy, she's told you something about her potential safety and wellbeing. Please don't ignore this. It needs an urgent intervention to make sure that she's safe in her own home.

OP, I know you’ve said your mum doesn’t claim benefits but several posters have mentioned single occupancy council tax discount. Are you aware that if she claims this she needs to let the council know he’s staying with her, and she will lose the discount ? It’s worrying because if she hasn’t informed them and they find out from other sources, it will be treated as fraud.

Bloody hell he's not a guest is he??? He'll be there for ages. Of course he should pay rent and contribute reasonably. and if he's going out to bars he has the money. What incentive does he have otherwise to move out?

Also I'm not as polite as some of the people on MN, I'd be telling him to stop leeching off an elderly woman and get lost. I would not allow this twat to guilt her so he could move in. I don't care if i offend him, it's not like he's caring about anyone's feelings is he?

This guy is out for as much as he can get, and it feels like he has his eyes on the main prize of your DMs inheritance. Letting him stay until Christmas would be a huge mistake.

If your DM can afford it, a cheap Airbnb until after Christmas may be worth it to get him out of the house, then change the locks and send his stuff to a storage locker and pay for the first month only.

He's a horrible cuckoo and is taking advantage of your family's inability not to play nicely.

He went straight to dm from the airport

When on yearly visit to uk all these years, he always stayed with her, which was fine. He would stay 3 weeks and go. He was good fun, he is our family in that regard.

The cost of living went up where he lived, tourist place. Different from years ago, you could live well on 4 figures.

He said his money was invested and maybe he had a plan, but he also mentioned an investment that tanked and he had a big loss, no details.

what pissed me off is up until my stepdad died so 18 months ago, he had a uk flat that he rented out but he sold it quickly for maybe £200k and he did the paperwork when he came back for the funeral. So has he frittered 200k in 18m or is it in his back pocket? It would have been a small income for him or a place to live, seems strategic.

Has he asked your mum about her will, does he know what's in it? I'd be worried for her safety tbh. That sounds over dramatic but remember Ben Field.

I would say you're coming to stay for a week straight after Xmas to help him move out. Then literally stay in your mums house until he's gone.

You and your mum need to put a date on it and start talking about it. Then arrange for a visitor to be coming who will need to stay in that room so he can't try to extend.

Have an answer to everything ready:

I feel suicidal- well ill call an ambulance then as you are threatening to self harm and the hospital can assess you.

I have nowhere to go - we'll help you find a room in a shared house

What about my stuff - that can go into storage

I have no money - we'll surely you weren't planning on mooching off an old lady were you? you know that could be considered financial abuse of the elderly and is actually illegal here.

I don't want to work - we'll that's on you, but you're old enough to sort yourself out.

Date and script above.

He will be banking on talking to your mum about it when you're not there, give him a warning:

'We've told you the plan, if you try to persuade my mum to let you stay we will start considering this a potentially abusive situation and will need to bring in other parties You are not to try to manipulate her or there will be consequences, and we'll bring the leaving date forward'

Your update is alarming and shows that he has no intention of going anywhere. Would you want DM being closer to you anyway given her age? My DM passed away at 68 after several years of dementia. We live less than ten minutes drive away and I still found it hard to be involved as I wanted and deal with my own family and work and that's with siblings who were doing a lot more than me. It would have been far more stressful from a distance without having someone like your cousin in the mix.

Please sign up to the Land Registry's property alert service www.gov.uk/guidance/property-alert

No she should not have to downsize, she had a bigger house years ago our family home, and then my dad died and she remarried another widower with no kids and now he is gone as he was quite a bit older. She has a small house, no garden and the spare rooms are for guests and maybe a carer one day. It is a lovely small house and she is not cramped and is v house proud. She cared for 2 dying husbands and she has had a stressful times. I don’t want her heart to give out over this but I have to not be overly rude to him as that will distress her. She categorically wants him gone after Xmas, but he is spinning the me and skint card right now and U am worried she will give in.

If she is determined he stays until Christmas then:

• You contact him now to say that he is no longer in exotic climes and people in the UK generally change their sheets once a week or fortnight, and could he do that himself because DM is elderly

• DM is concerned about the amount of money being spent on wine and food, he needs to buy his own alcohol

• He must move out after Christmas DM does not want or need a permanent lodger.

None of the above will happen, particularly as it sounds like your DM is her own worst enemy, but you can keep repeating them often enough to make him uncomfortable or at least irritated.

I'd definitely come down at Christmas, ideally bring down DH and DS. Settle in tight for a long visit and get him out. Even if that means simply moving out his belongings and changing the locks when he is out.

She probably will give in unless she gets some back up. She's in her 80s with an unwanted visitor taking over her home and demanding she waits on him. She's told you she's worried but if you're not prepared to do anything to help her, presumably she's on her own?

You've had lots of advice about cuckooing and what that looks like. But only you can take action and support her - or watch for the inevitable to happen.

Next time he goes out, I'd go pack up his things and put them outside the front door and wait with them until he comes back.

You need to protect your mum. Get all important documents and her cards and everything out of the house if at all possible. Lock down her credit.

I fear I know what he's planning and you need to protect her.

Oh no, OP, this sounds very messy and distressing for your poor mum. I know she wants to be kind by letting him stay until Christmas, but this man is behaving like a parasite. The longer he's there, the harder it will be to get him out. I know you say you must tread relatively gently, so as not to upset your mother, but she's worried, not sleeping and waiting on a grown man as if he were a child. This really can't continue. She might be a bit upset if you make a fuss initially, but ultimately, I expect the relief she'll feel that you've sorted things out will outweigh the upset.

I would do what another poster said and go over when he's out, pack his bags and change the locks.

To the people who say I will not do anything, they don’t know me! I will as she is my priority not him. I just don’t know how he will live and so he will be an endless headache as they will be in touch.

No, he is not in her will. But funnily enough she is in his will and he gave her a copy years ago! He has ex wives back in the other country and I wonder if they will pop up one day too.

My adult son lives at home and he pays us tent to cover his part of the bills and food. He also has to do his own washing etc .

Perhaps your mum needs to do this, and she needs to stop buying him luxuries like wine

I am away in pre booked hol next week but back for Xmas. Dm usually comes to us, I’ve had to invite the mooch for the day. My teens think he is weird and my dd says he is creepy. Dd has a radar for creeps and has always been right so far! But it’s just one day I guess but awkward.

That is a highly manipulative thing to do, to put her in his will, that's a big red flag right there. That screams 'I've put you in my will so you should put me in yours'. He's very calculated isn't he.

To get him out after Xmas, I'd send your mum back to your house and you stay in hers to 'help him move out'. That way she's out of the situation and not distressed.

You don't need to be rude to him if your DM doesn't want that, but you will need to be firm. She has said she categorically wants him gone so you can support her in ensuring that this happens & she is not browbeaten into changing her mind.

If he is out and about at night then he can't be penniless. He just chooses to spend his money on himself rather than reimbursing your DM. She is already being abused imo.

Has she named you or another responsible person on a Lasting Power of Attorney by the way?

Your mum needs to stop the hand wringing and hoping that telling you makes it your problem to fix i agree.

There's clearly quite a bit you don't know about his full situation and he's playing his cards close to his chest. Wonder if he got into some bother with gambling debts, drugs, gangs and has run back to the UK? Avoiding angry ex wives?! It's really piss poor he had that much money and couldn't hold onto investment property for his older age.
What complicates this is your DM has a quasi mother-son relationship with him and he's used to using her home as his UK pad, staying weeks at a time. He probably sees this as just an extension of the usual arrangement and his lazy, entitled arse won't be inclined to move out or on too quickly.
He knows you don't approve and will fight your mother's corner but you've got to be carefully he doesn't wheedle any more promises out of her beyond Xmas. I think she needs support in getting rid of him and you may need to be there more to make it happen.
It would be a disaster if he starts paying rent as that is formalising a lodger /tenant arrangement and harder to break. Write out a list of expectations for him e.g laundry once a week only, no wine on household budget, leave permanently by Dec 27th! Change locks once he's out.

@helloducky you have summed it up perfectly, always cards close to chest and it is only now that we are putting the pieces together and it’s dawned on us that it’s a facade.
he inherited property and funds from both his gp too, he says they are all sold. In total he had 3 properties gifted no mortgage, and 2 he sold them when prices were lower in the 90s

I don't want to be alarmist, but after reading this thread this morning, I was in a taxi. The driver was telling me that he had helped out a neighbour of mine for years. She was elderly, on her own, and worth a fair bit. He was fond of her and spoke to her almost every day as she took taxis everywhere.

The woman met a German couple, who inveigled their way into her life. They moved in with her, and a week later she was dead, found at the bottom of the stairs. Fell apparently.

The German couple are still living in her house, years later.

Cannot imagine going for first job interview at 60 and them asking what type of work he has done before, then getting the answer 'nothing'. What employer would choose that person over a young person, even for entry level roles.

Part of me thinks he must have had a great life though so maybe he will have no regrets on his deathbed.

A million quid years ago, Jesus, he should have just lived off the interest. Even 5% average is 50k a year.

It is possible he is just feckless and selfish rather than actively conniving...but tbh the signs don't look good. Why did he arrive in the UK with seemingly no long term plan, except to leech off your DM indefinitely, or for good?

You say that he has a history of purchasing women (just ugh!!) and several ex wives. A disrespect for women can manifest itself in several different ways, so don't be surprised if you struggle to make him take you or your DM seriously when you say you want him gone. That's why I think you will probably need backup to get him out.

It's a shame as well that your DC will have to put up with their creepy uncle at Christmas, though I understand you may feel you have no choice for your DM sake.