Relative burned through funds and now mooching

[coldcallerbaiter]

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

Just as an aside to all of this, do not underestimate how much of an effect not sleeping will be having on your mum. We are only just beginning to understand the impact of it, but the effect on health both physically and mentally is huge. She is clearly saying to you that she needs help. Please don't leave her till Xmas (and lets face it, he won't be going at Xmas either!!)

“and lets face it, he won't be going at Xmas either!!”

So true.

Just as a further idea.

Tell him he has until 30th November/1st December to find alternative accomodation and inform him that if he has not found somewhere by then, he will find the locks have been changed and his personal property removed. Tell him you will involve the police if necessary and that you (or another relative) will be staying at the property with your mother to ensure everything goes smoothly.

No more wine with dinner
no more doing his laundry
no more assistance with anything
ask for a control towards food and bills
have an end date

Ours took around 8 weeks to register 3 years ago.

I woke up to all these replies, the things you are saying could have come out of mine dh and dc mouths. The premeditated part, my step dad died and he got the ball rolling then, emigrated within a year. He had the money but not enough for a lifetime but his life style bought him a flat with pool in gated community, staff, and he is used to buying women. I won’t say which country as it’s outing but you might guess. He has never worked. He was always the show off guy on fb to his friends back home in the rain flogging, sitting with a cocktail. That’s the vibe I got.

I spoke to him when we went over to dim 2 weeks ago. I live quite a few hours away drive. I questioned him and he told me he is not entitled to benefits. I said to him that his predicament was his own fault as we had watched him fritter his money away with no backup plan. I say a million but that is ball park. He gave me the silent treatment after that and went out so as not to talk to me anymore.

Yes dmis in 80s and has the usual health probs but at her age she could go downhill. He hinted he would be a good carer. I laughed at that, he wants his sheets changed everyday and she is looking after him. He cannot shower and change my dm when incapacitated as a male relative, she would not want that. We have a care plan in place. It will be me in combination with her friends daughter and her cleaner, as we do not want her to go in to a home if poss.

he will be there for Xmas that is set in stone, as dm offered it, but I think he has to go after. After I spoke to him, my dm said he was depressed and his life wasn’t worth living. So he is playing that card now.

Dm is feisty but kind. I worry if her mind starts to fog with age he can get his claws in.

the bottom line is he says he will be on the streets. He has a few friends nationwide and he is planning on visiting them and staying with. But they will dry up
if he stays too long I bet.

he wants his sheets changed everyday

If your mum is feisty, I hope she showed him where the washng machine is. Pleasetell me that an 80 year old is not changing the sheets herself every day.

Are you absolutely sure he has burned through all his money? Or is he keeping quiet about what he still has, & returned to the UK with a sob story about being penniless as part of a plan to gain your DM's assets too?

It will be interesting to see what happens when you finally get him out (which you must).

And no to his being a live in carer. Contrary to the views of so many, it is not work that anyone can do.....you need soft skills that your relative is most unlikely to have, as well as integrity. I have a close relative who needs carers and it makes me angry how poorly regarded and rewarded they are already.

She doesn't sound very feisty if she is actually agreeing to change his sheets every day, do his laundry and cook his food. This is ridiculous and of course you should step in and protect your mum.

He is obviously not a good carer as he is making a woman in her 80s look after his basic needs.

Dear god 😲

I get that your worried about your mum but unless she is prepared to be direct and firm and telling him to leave by X date, after which his stuff will be on the streets, then he wont move out.

He relies on family values and awkwardness to get his way.

Your mum needs to stop the hand wringing and hoping that telling you makes it your problem to fix. I think you need to make it clear to DM that you will support any way you can but you can do anything until she makes a firm decision that she wont row back on and communicates that firmly to him.

One thing not paying rent, another is your mum buying him food wine!
Guests pitch in with takeaways and meals out - they don’t sponge off elderly relatives.

Can you speak to the housing charities and see how the land lies?
You can also speak to pension credit etc.

Does he have a visa etc that he needs to live in the UK? I can’t se whom being any different to any other nationality? Worth checking!

When you know facts you can act accordingly.

Then ask you mum to come o you for a few weeks - or you go there and change the locks.

Thanks for the questions, I have no male relatives apart from dh and ds. I won’t get them involved, I will kick him out myself.

Dm has a nice nest egg, she does not claim benefits. He knows she can keep him and afford to.

I think this was always his plan, he thought he was clever, now he sees me as his bitch of an obstacle.

There was a middle-aged guy in my DM’s village who used to ship in “fiancés” from Thailand on 6-monthly visas. Let’s hope this one doesn’t start shipping fiancés over too as then your DM would end up hosting her as well.

If he doesn't go when you kick him out, you will need to involve them. Even if it's just a numbers game. Three people supporting your mum vs one, is going to be much more effective.

I'd be concerned for her physical safety and mental health. Not sleeping at that age can lead to medical emergencies and also to accidents in the home. I don't know what your relative's temper is like or how physical a culture he has been living in,but are you sure no shouting, slapping, shoving etc. would be involved to wear her down? Please involve police. This sounds like a version of 'cuckooing'. Can you move someone else into the house to overnight, even if only a few nights a week, or have social services or similar regularly doing checks?

Does your DM claim single occupant council tax reduction ? If she previously lived alone I assume she does. If so she will have to declare him as staying there and she will lose the 25% discount. He’s not paying his way so this is reason enough to kick him out.

Has your mum spoken to HMRC/ DWP there is a possibility she is bting underpaid state pension. There was something in the news about this recently.

I’d also worry about him copying her financial details for identity theft purposes, or getting her to pass over the house to him “so the council can’t charge you for a care home if you need it aunty”

Could you go and stay after Christmas, or arrange for a friend to stay so that he needs to leave as the room is needed? Or start making plans for your mum to downsize (even if you have no intention of going through with it)?

As long as you are confident he is not the type of person who will turn nasty once he realises the game's up; if not, then you need to be willing to involve others including the police if necessary.

It may be helpful to ensure you have evidence that you have a care plan in place for your DM - any letters, emails etc - and that he is not/has never been her carer.

I don't agree with those saying that it is your DM's fault for allowing this situation or that she should deal with it. That sounds like victim blaming to me. It sounds that your relative had a calculated plan to take advantage of your DM, she needs and is entitled to help in dealing with this situation.

There are jobs out there if he puts effort in, eg caretaker jobs with housing, no specific skills but reliable willing to work a relatively menial job and anti social hours (I used to manage such a position) but it sounds like he's not actively trying to help himself.
In reality retail is probably his best option, partly because you can stay on long after retirement age, as he'll need to catch up on his ni to get enough pension

No he has not got access to her bank but he has the door key and she likes to withdraw and pay cash or with card. She has not given him any money.

I agree with the poster who says has he burned through it all? idk, he might want to stop at hers for as long as possible to save expenses but has enough to last a few more years. He is secretive about how much and where he banks, it might all be in a bank abroad. He does not say he is skint but his actions prove it to me.

As long as he plans to stay, he may get help now with benefits, but he'll need to be actively searching for work to claim uc and it's subject to the 5 week wait