Relative burned through funds and now mooching

[coldcallerbaiter]

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

Write out a list of expectations for him e.g laundry once a week only, no wine on household budget, leave permanently by Dec 27th! Change locks once he's out.

Surely this needs to be 'laundry as often as he likes IF he is making a meaningful contribution to the household that covers the costs and doing it his bloody self', first and foremost! Your mother must not run around after this man, he can do his own laundry. Why on earth would he think an elderly woman should do it for him?

OK, ask him what his plans are ?Nicely, for your DM's sake, but in front of your DM. He can't say he is thinking of staying where he is forever, and if he can't afford current rentals then he has to have a plan to earn money. Having no job record doesn't stop him volunteering to acquire some skills and build up references. If he is doing nothing to get work, then you and your DM know he is planning on staying in that house for good.

He must have some money left - how does he manage to go to these bars?

For heaven's sake, the OP's mum needs him OUT, not his feet under the table!

OP, face facts here: the longer your mother allows him to stay, the harder it'll be to get him out AND there's a very good chance he'll bring a "friend" into the house, who is "only here for a couple of days". Wake up - leaving it until after Christmas is bonkers - Father Christmas isn't going to offer him a home and your mother will be stuck with him if she doesn't take some action now. He will fleece her if you're not careful - he's probably already got some scheme in mind, people like him always have a plan. Get rid.

Has he signed on? He may not get anything straight away but he needs to do this. If I remember correctly, if you make yourself voluntarily unemployed, you still have to sign on (and possibly get NI paid if nothing else) and there will just be a delay (used to be 12 weeks I think) before any finance comes through. But it will be 12 weeks from when he first signs on, and he'll have to jump through the job hunting hoops in order to recieve any funds at all. So it might be worth checking this out and then confront him armed with this knowledge (things may well have changed, I'm going from knowledge gained years ago!). I believe your mother could also charge him rent to be claimed for with housing benefit when he becomes eligible for this.

If I am right, tell him you want to see the evidence that he is signing on. If he has savings stashed away he won't be entitled, so will be told to do one from employment support from the off. Therefore you will know he is conning your mother.

I am quite sure that he has money - the money for his nights out is coming from somewhere - and his supposed destitution is a sob story to manipulate OP's mother into letting him stay.

You say your mum is worried and can't sleep, so that means he IS making her ill. Sod Christmas, if she wants to play happy families then he can come for the day, but for the sake of her health he needs to be evicted asap.

@Sarvanga38
laundry once a week only

Yeh, I retract that suggestion! He should do his own bloody laundry but I suspect OP's DM has been too obliging and this grifter has laid on a bit of charm. The sort of things you do or let pass for an occasional guest who's not staying very long are different from what this has turned into. He probably arrived saying it would only be for a few weeks until he got himself sorted...then a bit longer...then another week or two. Now it's maybe, possibly, Xmas or never.

If you havent thought about it already then getting a power of attorney set up sounds like a good bit of pre planning for when she is older. Plus will protect her assets from the moocher.

He may still have 50 or 100 or 200k idk but I just do not think he now has enough to buy a flat and pay bills or pay rent for the next 20 years or he would have gone ahead and dine so.

To the poster that said he could harm her, no he would not do that. He has a temper though and he can be sulky and rude to her. But he is also good company for her when he visits. He is not all bad, he was always gregarious and fun to be around.

There is no way dm would get police involved. This all has to be done whilst keeping his pride in tact.

He says he is not entitled to benefits, idk if this is true. I think he will get a basic pension, doubt he could pay accommodation and bills with just that though and it’s not for a few years.

I think he has had a shock. I think he thought we would be ok or even happy for him to be her carer, he must now be thinking shit what now…

If he's been living in a country where the cost of living is low, and he 'buys' women, I'd say she's spot in about him being a creep!

I’ve read your posts @coldcallerbaiter and it got me thinking. This person headed straight for you mum’s place and has been there for the past 5 weeks, right? Along with this, your mum wants him gone after Christmas, which is understandable.

You don’t know how much money he has left of his own, so my suggestion is this - you offer to help him get on his feet, by suggesting that you go through his finances with him and see what he might be eligible to get. If he has some money left and he’s in his 60’s he should see about getting a job of some sort and he could buy a place outright if he has 200k left!

I’d do it for a place of kindness, so that he doesn’t get suspicious of you.

That he went straight to your elderly mother from the airport and has his feet under her table would make me think that he’s after her money now. Be wary of that.

I would be worried about him talking her into him looking after her, giving him poa, isolating her, bad mouthing you so that you’re the enemy. Staying after Christmas is the least of your worries

'To the poster that said he could harm her, no he would not do that. He has a temper though and he can be sulky and rude to her. But he is also good company for her when he visits. He is not all bad, he was always gregarious and fun to be around.

There is no way dm would get police involved. This all has to be done whilst keeping his pride in tact.'

Your comment here does make me concerned that you might be in denial about how bad he actually is. I may be wrong of course, I don't know him or you; but for him to show his temper and be 'sulky and rude' towards an elderly lady - one who has done so much for him - is just off the scale bad and utterly unacceptable.

I don't doubt he can be gregarious and good company when he wants, I am sure showing charm works for him too sometimes.

And a man with a history of procuring (likely poor and vulnerable) women is imo a seedy, exploitative creep. Not a person I would want around any loved ones of mine.

Exactly - he has inherited 3 properties already

I think you are assuming a lot about this man and what he wouldn't do if pushed into a corner. What sort of person lands themselves on an elderly lady and makes it plain, without being invited, that they intend to stay? He doesn't exactly sound like a man who is respectful of women, does he? He's someone with no morals, that's who. All this rubbish about breaking the news to him so that people can keep their dignity.....what dignity has he shown by lumbering your mother with a deliberately obtuse parasite?

I think you are being incredibly naive, OP, to say the least. Are you really 'getting' what could be going on here and how important it is for some action to be taken? Think about it. If she can't or won't do it herself, I'd sit her down for a chat - difficult as that may be - before telling him he has to go or you will be getting Social Services/Police involved if he isn't gone by xyz date - and I wouldn't be waiting until Christmas, either. Also: are any of her valuables still where they should be? Is there any post coming to your mother's home addressed to him? This man is not to be trusted by the sound of him.

Plenty saying he only spent 25k a year. 1 million in 1985 is the same as 3 million today for spending power. Average returns in safe investment around 5 to 7 perc, some years easy over 10 to 12 perc. So he could easily have had an income of 150k per year in today's money with safe investing and ensuring capital kept real value. And 150k is serious money in some countries.
And even if you are not money savey if you inherit 3 million tomorrow you know to get some advice.
He really did piss it all against a wall. No way he is going to get a job or have any concept of earning if he has done that for 40 years. Literally nothing from 3 million quid, as that is what it was if he got it today. Hope he had some good life experiences along the way.

Another vote here for acting fast and now.
Don't wait until Christmas.
Tell him he needs to go to a friend's house within the next few weeks.
If that doesn't happen you gather all hands on deck, friends and family and go round change the locks and see him out of the door.

This is a safeguarding issue. Your mother is at high risk of financial and possibly emotional abuse from this man. She needs to be protected from him. Age UK can advise on next steps.

I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't a significant amount of money still stashed. He seems very good and experienced at spending other people's money.

It will be why he's not entitled to anything.

I have a relative like this, moved into the house belonging to one of their children who was working abroad without any conversation or notice then guilted their own child into letting them stay temporarily.

Over 20 years later the parent was finally got out, house trashed and the self stated impoverished parent has well over £500k stashed.

At one point claimed dire poverty with tears and convincing looking breakdown so didn't have to pay for shoes.

Extremely charming in public, absolutely terrifying and manipulative in private.

People love diagnosing narcissicism but this truly looks like it and there's no rational argument that will work to get this man out except for standing firm in the face of the rollercoaster to come.

Get it done fast. The longer this goes on the worse it will be.

If he is saying he is not entitled to any benefits, then he must have a few thousand in savings. If you want to wait to give DM the option of telling him herself, then you can still drop huge hints about him buying food for them both and buying his own wine.

You need to help your mum be firm on this one. He needs to do all his own laundry and change his own bed etc.

Your mum needs to only provide the necessary food, and if he eats too much and runs out, then he goes without and stop buying him wine.

He will never leave while she does everything for him. He will leech off her until she dies if you don't get him out.

You need to get through to her that it is all a sob story and that she is not responsible for him as he is a grown adult who chose not to provide for his own future. It's even worse that he had a flat and sold it, so he could have had somewhere to live!

The trouble is both you and your DM want an impossible result. You want moocher Michael to realise what an utter cad he is being and move out whilst maintaining cordial relationships and no harsh words being spoken. This is not going to happen.

Your big issue is that he's at your DMs and you are not there. I don't know how far away you live from your DMs, but if she's able to come for Christmas Day the. it's presumably doable in a day.

I'd be going down there every weekend for the day. Ask him where he intends to move to, get him privately and tell him that your 80 year old DM can't be washing sheets on a daily basis, in fact don't do it privately do it in front of him. Basically make yourself a nuisance and make it a bit uncomfortable for him to be around. It's a pain for you, but a bit of time now could hopefully prevent a long term issue.

Anyone who works and pays is basically a mug. Because you are paying for a growing number of people who take. The majority of people in this country are now net recipients, with many who see it a birthright to rip off the taxpayer by not contributing at all.

The majority of people are net recipients because they have children. Anyone with children, even if they're in a two resident parent family and both work, is a net recipient, due to the cost of education etc.

The proportion has less to do with benefits than with education and the cost of any healthcare that people need.

Tell him to fuck off out with his cheekyfuckery.