Relative burned through funds and now mooching

[coldcallerbaiter]

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

He is abusing your mums goodwill and causing her stress, if you can get your mum to agree, I'd threaten him that if he's not gone in 2 weeks you'll ring social services and report him for financial abuse.

By the sound of it he has a lot of experience of bars. That would be a more logical job for him.

Re the £25k. Living in Thailand, the Philippines etc was very cheap. I was backpacking 30 years ago, and I remember staying in a lovely hotel with an en-suite in Bali for £5 a night! There were loads of people bumming round and living the high life then. (Actually, I remember staying in a hotel in Paris for £5 a night 40 years ago!)

It needs to happen now.
'I want to be clear with you Tom. You can't continue to stay here. I simply do not want to live with anyone. I'd like you to leave by the end of the week and remove your things from the garage please.'
When he bullies her, which he will, with 'But you have space', 'Where do you expect me to go?' the answer is ' You need to sort that out. I am telling you to leave my house. I don't want to fall out with you but this is my home and I am very unhappy with you being here.'

This, word for word, is what needs saying. But I'm really concerned that neither you nor your mum are forceful and strong enough to get this message across.

Is there an absolutely calm, strong person in either of your lives, that will come and back you both up? And deliver that message if necessary? It pains me to say that it might be helpful if it's a man, but where the two women involved are possibly too nice to do it, a male presence is probably good.

This.

I am roughly the same age as this man. When I got my first graduate job about 40 years ago I was earning £7.5k,rising to about £9k in a year. I considered myself well paid and was able to buy my first, albeit small, house.

Having said that I think even at that age I was aware that a million wasn't really enough to consider living off for the rest of my life. I remember a few years later when the National Lottery was starting, having this sort of conversation with friends, and we figured that people our age would need to come in to at least £4million to be able to just give up and live comfortably for the rest of our lives.

But all in all, what a waste of his life.

Have to be careful with believing any outcome of that though, if he tells them that he could live in his aunts house, they might say they have no duty and then he'll come crawling back saying they wont help him and the aunty might feel she is obliged to house him (she is not obliged)

She needs to write a letter saying he is not able to live there

OP, where did he stay when he first arrived back in the UK?

I really don't think an elderly woman should be pushed into downsizing or moving out of her home early because of this guy's selfishness.

He just needs to leave.

Your poor mum has already told you she is so worried that she is not sleeping and can't visit you because she is worried he'll take her house and you plan to do nothing till after Xmas? I actually can't believe what I'm reading. What is wrong with you? Step the fuck up and help your elderly mum . Get the rest of the family or the authorities involved if you need to. Tell him in no uncertain terms he needs to leave by the end of the week . If he doesn't wait till he goes on one of his nights out, pack his stuff and change the locks. He will absolutely be after staying permanently in your mums house then taking the house after her death.

For goodness sake - leaving him alone in her house?! You must be joking! Has anyone told him in no uncertain terms he has to go, - or just pussyfooted round the issue giving hints? With someone this thick you'd have to be blunt and spell it out - locks changed, too. He needs to be firmly told he's got to go and given a date to be out. If he won't then your mother may need to get legal advice. It's not an easy situation if there's a family history between him and your mother, but your mother needs to think of the long-term implications of allowing this man to continue to live in her house. Not a nice thought, but it has to be faced because he sounds a chancer. Next thing she knows there could be a 'friend' moving in.

Can you move in for a few days, and take command of getting him out. Basically turn up and say he needs to be gone as your mother cannot cope and it’s making her I’ll, and if he refuses you’ll call the police
your mum sounds like she needs someone there constantly to back her up and give her confidence and safety in being assertive and clear with him
once he does leave change the locks .
tell DM to on no account let him in without you being there as well

if it’s an issue with you staying for a few days/week then I would try to at least visit for a day and have it out with him

Stop letting him get away with this. You need to advocate for your poor mother. She’s telling you how it’s affecting her and you need to step in now.
Have you even spoke to him about how he is treating her like a free hotel with maid service?
Stop being a pushover and get him out of there.

I've been trying to be kind, but honestly, I have to agree with this. You cannot leave your poor mum in this situation, and avoiding the situation by suggesting that she comes to you, is beyond foolish.

If you really don't have the ability and the strength to protect your mum, you need to find someone who does.

Hopefully the OP is busy calling up family / friend reinforcements to help get rid of him.
Abuse of the elderly is a massive issue and he is cynically taking advantage of her hospitality and kind nature. Whether he's gone as fas as emptying her bank accounts / selling her valuables can only be established when you're there to see what's happening.

Exactly. Mum will have to declare him, and if she is claiming single persons discount she’ll lose it.

Agree with pervious posters, if she's losing sleep over it I don't think it's fair to leave this until after Christmas, that's several more weeks of stress and just delaying the inevitable. I think you and your mum need to present a united front, be firm and clear and do it ASAP. Like ripping off a plaster.

POA for OP is a good idea but be aware it takes a while to set up. We have just done it. We put all the forms in early July and we just got the final thing through to say it was registered this week. The people who have been granted POA still haven't been notified

Bollocks.
interset rates in 1990were around 10% and over for years and years. The average inflation rate for last 100 years is 4% . Interest rates be
ow 2% for such a long time in recent years is unprecedented

but there agian, with that sort of money you also nest in stock market. You don’t walk it away in a bank. Just lie we do with pension pots .

Even today with piss poor returns on investments, and 5% in bank, you’d be getting an income of £30-40k a year without even touching the capital after tax . That would not be difficult - in fact you’d have to be pretty stupid or reckless or feckless to have to eat into capital to extent of having none left after 40 years even . Just like OP describes
🤦‍♀️

This did make me laugh. Have you any idea how many people on the waiting list will have priority over him ? Where I live, sheltered housing is limited to disabled people and then there’s a waiting list.

Gosh, that a very long time. I did mine around 5 years ago and it was literally 3 weeks wait once we got the forms right and sent in.
getting forms right is difficult imho, it’s one hell of a lot of signatures that all need witnesses and getting everyone together to do it on hard copies took a bit of logistics.

but the actually processing and registration in public guardianship was quick

my understanding is that they have to keep lead times short due to urgency of the matter. A lot of people don’t do LPOA in advance and wait until emergency is imminent, so a fast turn around is needed. That was case with my FIL too, they didn’t do a LPOA , mainly becuase law had only just changed form enduring POA which they didn’t want. Suddenly he was in hospital. Elderly, cancer and needed my husband to do LPOA tasks. Once we sorted out forms it came through in literally days as we put covering note on to say FIL was terminal with the doctors letter to state he was however mental competent

I think your mum is right, she should absolutely not leave her home.
He needs to be given a clear date to leave. Your mum doesn't need to give a reason.
If he's not gone by then, change the locks and leave his stuff on the curb.
He is a grown man and he is taking advantage of your mum, big time. This situation could get a lot worse if not dealt with assertively and swiftly.

He will have burnt through the money. It's easy enough to do, particularly if you're not earning anything or adjusting your lifestyle over a period of time.

He's trying to take advantage of your elderly mother. Ask for help in getting him removed immediately.

Regardless how much money he had or how much he has now he is not your DMs or your responsibility.

He's an older man! He will have to figure it out. Most of us have had to sort our own lives out why should he be any different?

I would tell him straight. He leaves today. He's got a week to clear his belongings out of the garage or you dispose of them for him.

Whenever he goes or whatever he does it's not your concern.

He goes. Today.

Can you go and stay with your dm for a week, when you arrive give him a date to move out, say 5 days, and inform the police this has happened, so on that day they will come and supervise his departure.