Relative burned through funds and now mooching

[coldcallerbaiter]

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

You must insist on changing the locks on your next visit. Just tell her you’ve lost your own keys and may have dropped them outside her house. Pay for it yourself. Job done.

If you have PoA for health and welfare I’d consider inserting myself between them. Tell him you’ve got PoA and she’s too frail for house guests; and tell her if she asks that he doesn’t request to stay any more.

It appears the spare key has been stolen as it couldn't get off the ring by itself. Log the theft with 101 and explain that your mum is a vulnerable elderly woman at risk of whoever has that key. He is escalating, it won't be long before he uses that key to get back in and then won't leave. You'll find your own key doesn't work anymore.

It's gone past 'mum won't let me tell him get his stuff out' just tell him anyway. These kind of people are very very difficult to deal with, I understand how stressful it is especially with your mum being complicit but it is past time to put your foot down and assert your authority over him. Involving Police in the spare key going missing will show him you mean business.

Have you made your concerns known to Police that she is at risk of coercive control and financial exploitation. If not do so, regardless of what she says. You are only concerned for her you're not accusing him. Your mum is her own worst enemy in this case and you will never get rid of him unless you start letting him see you will take action.

paying cleaner (wonderful woman) and neighbour to go over 2 twice a day when the time comes.

It’s not reasonable to ask a neighbour to go over twice a day and make her responsible for your mum. If DM needs that it’s time to start paying for care.

I think you missed read. She is paying the cleaner AND the neighbour

If she’s not a trained carer she’s not appropriate.

Depends on what she's being asked to do and the wishes of her mother - who currently maintains the ability to consent.
As she became more frail my mother was horrified at the idea of (in her terms) an unknown stranger arriving in her home to undertake any duties. She was of sound mind, so her wishes were respected.
Given the woeful quality & repeated scandals involving some paid carers, if you've a reliable adult, willing to be paid for appropriate support (not seemingly involving toileting, changing or dealing with a bed bound person) then of course she can be appropriate.

A British citizen can be deemed o be habitually resident from the day they arrive back in the UK, a specialist welfare adviser can help if DWP decide to not accept that following an application for UC

She won’t be DBS checked, she may not be First Aid trained, does she know how to deal with some cognitive decline? Doe she know what to do if DM chokes, would she recognise signs of a stroke, does she know what to do for a fall? Will she be doing any cooking? Help with medication? Errands involving cash?

It’s extraordinarily naive to use some poor carer quality as an excuse not to be registered with a reputable agency with qualified and experienced carers.

Alternatively find a qualified and experienced private carer in the local area whom DM can get to know and build a rapport with.

My mother has a close family member that behaves the same, and even though they have done some awful things in their life and still does, she let's them walk all over her.

There's nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing that will make her see them other than having had an unfortunate hand in life, and there's nothing you can do to stop what's going on especially if your DM seems to push away anything you say.or suggest.

Equally by the length of time this had been going on now your cousin knows full well he can do no wrong proven by the fact here you all are a year down the line.

You need to either accept she won't change how she treats your cousin and step away or just watch it all play out no matter how crazy it drives you.

He knows he's on to a winner or he'd respect you and stop taking the piss.

There's only one person that can put a stop to this for good and she doesn't want to.

He will never leave completely unless your DM makes him. If she becomes frail and cannot live there he will claim he does. His long term plan is her home. So unless she moves somewhere smaller he's there to stay (with the odd stay somewhere else). He is taking advantage of her.

My DGM was nearly fleeced by a "cleaner" who thought she was family and even came to my DFs funeral. I'd never seen her before but there she was. After the funeral and I assume some choice words by my cousin she was never seen again. Some "friend".

A friend's ex and his new gf made a move on a vulnerable elderly man and he left them his house.

Some people just leech on the vulnerable.

I would force him out.

I hope you have notified the insurance company that the spare master key is missing.
Honestly I would step back and let them get on with it, she chooses to have him stay. I understand you are looking out for your mum but it is becoming a him or you situation, she has chosen him. I think she is being very disingenuous, there is nothing you can do about it. He knows you are not going to move in to be your mum's carer/companion. This will eat away at you.

At this stage, could you set up some cameras inside the home so you could monitor his behaviour and tell neither of them that you're doing this (like a nanny-cam set up) because you're not sure he's not actually taking liberties and getting his feet well and truly under the table.

Would your mother kick him out if she was presented with evidence (rather than speculation) that he has a key that he shouldn't have? If he has his own belongings still in the garage, I'd start there by saying as your mother is getting older, you need to keep the clutter to an absolute minimum so if he is storing stuff in her house, he needs to start using a storage unit and you will be checking on the progress of him getting his stuff out of the house/garage the next time you're there.

Your mum thinks that she is being kind to him but she really isn't. He might as well have a disguise on and be taking part in a highway robbery because he's no better than Dick Turpin!

I like the suggestion that as the 'spare' key can't be found, that you will have to get another replacement lock and you will take charge of the new 'spare' key so that it can't go "missing". If it's one of the coded keys (so they are much more expensive to copy than a Yale key for example) might it be possible to request notification if copies are requested from the few locksmiths that are permitted to copy them?

Yeah, I'd get the locks changed (sounds expensive I know, but worth it I think) regardless of whether he has it or not. It's a security risk either way and the perfect excuse to have security cameras installed as well.

I have read all the OP’s posts and I am probably repeating everyone else here but your hair should be on fucking fire at this point.

You can not control this man and you absolutely do not seem to be able to predict and counter the danger he poses to your mother. As everyone has said you are very naive—in the sense that you don’t grasp how dangerous this predatory man could get. Stop thinking of him as “the mooch h” or the loser/lost boy. He is a grown man with a seedy history of use and abuse. He is proud, greedy, and shamelessly manipulative. He is potentially very, very, dangerous to your mother. Don’t be under any illusions that he can’t or won’t hurt her to gain control of her and the house.

Change the lock. Offer to move all his stuff to storage and then do it. Tell him outright that you are contacting elder services and putting then on notice that you believe he is scamming your elderly mother—which he is!

The safest thing to do is push him far, far away from your mother. Use rage, humiliation, or outright threats but do it fast. Because this man is like water. He will keep creeping into your mother’s life and rotting it from the indife. He must be stopped.

The local council adult services should have a safeguarding department. They may be able to help with advice.

I'm so sorry OP, it must be so stressful dealing with such a parasite. Your DM is her own worst enemy here, it's hard to help people who won't be helped.

I would focussing on getting his stuff out for a start. I might also think about consulting a solicitor to draw up some clear legal agreement. Do you think your DM would go for that?

OP, you really need to report the missing key. It's obvious he's playing the 'long game' and isn't going to give up easily.

This!

No what I mean is I think it needs a new door, the way to copy the master key has been lost idk and dm doesn’t either. It was a bespoke door, v v secure as long as you don’t have the key. And she won’t want a new door as this one is a special really nice one my dad installed and it has an antique front.
I replace the door to the same standard for 1000s and he’ll just steal the next key anyway.

Surely a bespoke door has a lock?

Neighbour will be paid, she wants to.

Dm knows she he took the key, she is the one that told me. I hit the roof and she just shrugged it off.

I’m sure she does - does she have any training?

There isn't anything the op can do because her mother is perfectly happy with the moocher mooching off her. She knows op unhappy about it but is allowing this scrounger full access to her house and unlimited pocket money. I suspect mother likes the attention, drama and moaning about it. This is your mum's fault for encouraging him, I suspect if you had a frank conversation with him he will say your mum has made promises, no point tip toeing around her or him, they are both happy with the status quo. Find out exactly where you stand and act accordingly.

Get him out !

as for where he can live, there is an old thread on MN where a middle aged man was about to lose his private rental, long story short he is now very happy in his social housing flat, for the over 55's. somewhere in Bristol I believe.
Apparently there are parts of the UK where the over 55's flats/bungalows etc. can be found without too much difficulty esp as your Uncle will actually be homeless once he moves out of Mum's home.

and yes he may be able to claim benefits and that would help pay the low(er) rent if social housing.

If I knew how I would search for the thread but don't know where to start. Yes the difference is that this man was working ( in prob a min wage job ) however your uncle will be expected to look for / find work in order to receive benefits ?

Not sure, she is an early retired teacher. She does some freelance wfh I think too.