Relative burned through funds and now mooching

[coldcallerbaiter]

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

Crikey OP he is unreal. I haven't read back through the thread, only the updates but I'm wondering if you've put anything in writing to him? I would be tempted to set out your concerns that your mother is elderly and not able to be lent on or relied on for support in the way she used to. You are both concerned about his mental health but that he needs to take responsibility for that himself and seek treatment from a GP, claim benefits if needed and form a support network of his own. Otherwise it could be misconstrued that he is taking advantage of an elderly woman.
Not sure if others would agree with that but it's what I would feel like doing. Also seek advice from Age Concern. Good luck OP.

When he's out she should put his stuff outside and change the locks.

Otherwise it could be misconstrued that he is taking advantage of an elderly woman.

Agree this is a great way of phrasing it.

Sorry for the late reply I did not see the comments and did not think anyone would remember this one!

I predicted he would be back. It was obvious.

He announced he will spend 3 WEEKS at Christmas with her. I have calculated he has spent 3 months with her in bits through this last year. When I say anything she agrees with me, but nothing changes, so my boundary now is just preventing him from a permanent move in. I have told her I will physically remove him if it happens, which she agreed to.
If she gets dementia then god help me. Part of me thinks she complains but does not mind him visiting. I wouldn’t mind if it was a bit shorter. Like 1 week max.

I got POA.

He cannot fit the stuff he owns in his HMO. The stuff that is not in the garage is in her spare room as it is ‘ too valuable’. They are worth a couple of 1000 at most and only if bought by the right collectors, hardly the Crown Jewels but the boxes take up room, and irritate me.

He is not claiming benefits according to him he is not eligible, so if he is skint, how does he pay £500pm rent?

My mum would never let me tell him to move his stuff. It is not a black and white situation, she is complicit because she has sympathy and she has been conditioned in to thinking that she cannot be harsh on him or tell him to get a job. She does not want to have a row with him. He wouldn’t do anything she tells him anyway. We told him over the years not to sell his property as it was his security.

Oh and I asked for the key back, he gave it back. Then the next time he visited her spare key went missing and he denied having it, said she must have lost it….my mum said to let that go too.

This isn’t the situation. She expects a call from him every week. She is fine with him coming to visit but gets worn down as it’s always too long a stay. Perhaps she likes his company and is a bit lonely. It’s complicated.

She has friends and visitors, her life ticks over and she likes watching movies on TV. She has had a healthy life so I am not grumbling and I don’t want ti micro manage her.

Does he still expect your mum to change his bed sheets often etc? As he's there so often, can you give him conditions? I.e. she's getting on a bit so can he do his own washing, bedsheets, cook his own food etc and not expect to be waited upon?

My belief is he wants to live in her house now and also after she dies.

He is furious that this was not offered to him and we disrespected him by stopping him. He expected to come back, be welcomed and invited to live there and that instead he had to lay his cards on the table and hint, play act - he is humiliated. He was the big man in the other country, rich foreigner. We’ve disrespected him.

As for relatives, he has dodged all of them. Refused to see them. He is embarrassed. He left a wealthy young man and is back with nothing. These relatives aren’t financially going to help him so he has no use for them. Even skipped a funeral recently for my uncle, I knew why.

He cooks, and he shops, as long as he is given the cash. My mums cleaner does the rest now.

So he's definitely a mooch then! Definitely is there to save cash and use your mum's instead!

This is bad op! What will happen when his money gets to zero!? I suppose when he decides he will start selling his stuff, then you know the end of the money is near!

Can you use her POA to advise whoever made her will she is not able to change it without you present. If he’s planning on being able to be there after she passes I’m sure he will try to sweet talk your mum to changing her will.

All the best op this must be so so stressful and frustrating for you

You knew this over twelve months ago, and nothing has changed.

His stuff is still stored in her garage. It doesn't matter how outrageously awful his behaviour and attitude and expectations are, nothing will change until you do something active about it.

Your DM seems rather complicit in all this, I suspect she likes the company but finds it overwhelming on a long term basis.

I would be short with her if she complains "I can get him out tomorrow DM, just say the word" every time she starts up.

Ultimately it's her choice if she is of sound mind, but she must know by now what his end game is. It's a fat lot of use saying she won't let him live with her permanently when he's already there 25% of the year.

An LPA can not be used in this way. An attorney cannot influence a donors’ will - and to make a will, the testator must have mental capacity, so there would be no reason for te attorney to be involved. OP’s mum has capacity and is perfectly capable of making her own decisions - even bad ones.

His keeping stuff there is to prove residency. If your mum ends up in a care home they will not be able to sell her home as he can say he has lived there a long time. I am unsure of the law but I am fairly sure he would be considered her dependent and can continue living at her home. I think you need legal advice on this as his age is relevant, cannot throw a pensioner out, you can bet your mum's house he knows his legal position. Alternatively walk away and leave your mum to deal with him, she doesn't care how much it affects you and is doing this willingly. Let him have the money and the house, walk away and save your sanity. Tell her you are not going to be dragged in anymore.

I’m glad you’ve got the POA and he didn’t manipulate himself to get this .

Also glad you've got power of attorney OP. You're right it's complicated and if she feels lonely, she no doubt welcomes the company for a while.

Might it be possible to remove his belongings from the bedroom to the garage (maybe when he's not there) to avoid any claims he may make on living there.
And I'd get that lock changed again - if onloy to make the point to him that he's not entitled to a key.

I am really angry about the keys. She has a master key that cannot be copied without some evidence, it is an old specially reinforced door and bespoke ( my dad was in the security business) So mooch stole the spare master key and denied it.
My mum instead of calling him a liar, let it go. She said to me that maybe he is paranoid about his stuff and wants access to it. Err so what, it is not his house, he can trust us. That should have been the last straw for her, but it wasn’t and now it’s forgotten. I am pretty sure he knows he won’t inherit money and that her dc are in the Will only but he is definitely running her funds down when he is there. I bet he eats bread and water at home cos he fills up on wine and steak at mum’s.

Presumably unless you're there and can actually remove the key from his possession, there's nothing you can do?

Active such as calling the police? I can’t, that would upset her and make me look terrible, she doesn’t think it is a serious issue, she opens the door to him voluntarily

This situation is more subtle. His initial plan got thwarted but I think he is waiting til she is frail and will try again then to live at the house.

The keys part is theft, but where is the proof? He does not use the missing key but I know he has it. How does one master key come off a steel key ring leaving the others still in there? He is lying like a little child. He never grew up and got everything he wanted his whole life by buying it.

Now Christmas has come around again, and I am going to have to seethe because dm wants me to be civil.

When he was there last time he accompanied her on some hospital appointments that her cleaner/me/neighbour who have cars normally would go with her, she let him do it and said what a ‘good boy’ he had been! But they got in taxis so how was that helping? If he is there 25% of the time he is bound to do helpful things too.

When your mum does start to get frail, would you be able to take the spare room for yourself as you will be looking after your mum? So there will be no space for him etc? Maybe your sister also? So there is no way he can move in by sleuth? Or if you plan a paid live in carer then they need the room etc?

Does the poa mean you can make these decisions when she becomes frail? I.e. live in carer etc

If it were me I'd tell him the spare key has gone missing so all the valuables he has in the house will need to be moved to storage unless the key turns up. You'll look for it for another week but if it's not found, you'll leave his things outside to make it easier for him to get them into a taxi/hire van etc.

She has a 3 bed house. There is stacks of room.

I am not going to be a livin carer as even when dc fly the nest I still have dh and a life, plus we travel and plan to do more inc. months abroad going forward. I will always be there at the end of the phone and will visit but we do have a plan of care decided, paying cleaner (wonderful woman) and neighbour to go over 2 twice a day when the time comes. We do not want a care home so would pay for a live in carer instead.

Sis lives in Oz.

Yes POA means I can pay for it from her bank account. I have access to her bank with her permission anyway as she cannot operate the internet well.

Ring doorbell or camera at the doors.

If he uses a key to access the house EVER, you'll know he's stolen it.

Oh god you must feel sick with this. I wonder about changing the locks again and keeping the master, giving your mum only one so he can't get it copied? That ring camera will help massively so you can see exactly what's happening. What a horrible leech. Very difficult as your mum is complicit. As it's her money, she can do what she wants. Horrible horrible man.