Relative burned through funds and now mooching

[coldcallerbaiter]

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

Good to hear that you're keeping an eye on him OP. There's no doubt that he'll be back if he thinks there's a chance. Keep sharing your concerns with others including family so that he has nowhere to hide!

Thanks for the update. Yes only just moved, so probably hasn’t got around to registering with gp.

Not sure if I can update thread, but anyway I predicted mooch would play the MH card, and Suic&&e (not sure if I can say that) card, he is staying for 3 weeks at a time every 2-3 months. He wants to go there for Christmas. So it means I have to avoid him. She cannot turn him down as he is miserable. She is letting him stay but he always over stays, dm has refused to let him move in permanently but I know he won’t stop the manipulative tactics. He knows I am watching him but I guess he is desperate. He won’t get a job, so will be homeless soon I predict.

And his stuff is still in her garage and spare room, he rents a studio bedsit and didn’t have the room for it. It’s actually stuff he could sell, would make several hundreds at least but he is too lazy to bother. He is still leaving lights and appliances on when visiting and asked for his travel costs to and from visiting her by train to be covered by her and she gave it to him about £150 in trains and Uber, each time he comes.

And what’s the betting he still won’t work? He can claim MH issues and nobody nowadays can call his bluff. It’s like the unprovable ‘bad back’ of former times.

Worth reiterating that if DM didn't give the funds he might stop visiting? Did you get the POA sorted?
I really feel for you, I dread something like this happening with my DM.
I'd be tempted to invent an infestation and tell him he has to move all his stuff into storage while the house is fumigated and pest control sort the issue. Then just don't let him bring it back.
I'd also be batting back on the MH issues and tell him it's triggering for your DM and he needs to be more mindful of what he's telling her. Remind him that she's elderly and shouldn't be taking on his woes at her time of life, these are her golden years, don't let him take the shine off.
I'd probably also start messaging him with job adverts, it's a great time to pick up seasonal work. John Lewis elf??
You sound like a fantastic daughter, you've done good.

Where are you with PoA? Have you applied?

I wouldn’t be avoiding him at all… I’d be inserting myself into your mums as much as possible…. Make it incredibly uncomfortable for him to be there!

Can you/your mum sell some of his garage things to cover the cost of travel each time he visits?

I’d be dropping him a message to say he needs to stop asking your DM for train and uber fare to visit her. It’s for his benefit not hers. Absolute cheek he’s lived the life of Riley over the years, and now he just expects someone else to help him. Well he can get a job and stop leeching off an elderly lady.

Oh goodness, he’s still on the scene?

A leak in the garage might be the best idea. Combined with a nice strong man and van to
move it all out to a storage place - perhaps pay a couple months rent upfront on another rental garage? But put it in his name and leave his details. Then change the lock on your mum’s garage.

Tell him if he doesn't move his stuff out of the garage you'll call a company on to do it for him.
This bloke is taking the piss. Do you have a hefty make relative who can put a bit of pressure in him?
He's a complete freeloader.

I'm so sorry to see your update OP, I felt you would never get rid of him. Unfortunately people like this just don't give up. They are very manipulative and do whatever it takes to get their own way, they won't hear no. be very worried about him coming between you and your mum. If you start avoiding because he's there, he's already halfway to having you estranged from her.

If he's threatening suicide report it to Police along with a detailed account of how's he exploiting your mother and tell them you're worried about cuckooing. It's time to get firm with him and tell him under no circumstances is he to come anywhere near your mum or her house regardless of what she says. It's a shame your mum is pulling against you on this. What is her reason for putting this mooch ahead of everyone else and not taking your concerns on board? I understand she has the 'he's family' attitude but why is he coming ahead of her own daughter and she's not listening to you?

Have a removal company take his belongings from the garage and drop it off to wherever he is renting this bedsit. It's for him to deal with then. Make sure the garage is locked and he can't have any access to it after that.

I'm sorry you're going through this all over again.

Another one sorry but not surprised that he's still around. Hopefully the rest of the family are now aware of his "cuckooing" your mother and won't be unintentionally supporting him.

Oh my word! He's still hanging around is he?? He has no shame. None at all.

Hope you're feeling better yourself as you were ill too earlier this year so I hope you're on the mend too.

If he is having suicidal thoughts, he needs to be under the care of a mental health team. It's not your mother's responsibility to look after him or his issues. You need to have a conversation with her about this.

I would try to sort out a lasting POA here so that you can step in and your mother can step back.

You need to treat this situation like you would if your mother was planning to downsize her home. I would contact an auction house and ask to find out if they visit people's homes to do valuations on things. If they do, I'd get them to visit when he's there. Get a price for selling his stuff (which is tying him to your mother's home) and then tell him either he can sell it or you will arrange for it to be sold but once it's sold, he leaves her alone.

I'd also consider getting a restraining order (if that is possible) as he is financially abusing her by leaving appliances on when she is elderly and costing her more for her utilities and such. She might not see it as abuse but if he wasn't there, she wouldn't be having these extra expenses.

Stay strong. This guy is something else so he is!

@Cosmosforbreakfast is spot on, you need to get proactive and involve the police.
However I do wonder if your mum is enjoying all the fuss and attention? I only say this because my mum would behave this way to get everyone running around after her but then also moan daily to everyone about 'poor her' she loved the drama.
He is certainly expecting an inheritance, has she made promises to him? my mum made promises to everyone to keep their attention. Your mum is not innocent here.
They are both benefitting from this situation or it wouldnt still be ongoing. Your mum could stop it now if she wanted to by calling the police & age concern about financial abuse of an elder, it is a criminal offense to take advantage of the elderly. She has invited this freeloader into her life without caring how it affects you and complaining while doing nothing to stop it. She knows his threats of self harm are hollow.
It really is easy to put a stop to it if she wanted. Sorry if it sounds harsh as I am looking at it from my own experience, I was NC with my mum as it became so tedious.

I've thought of another way that you might be able to bring your mother on board about telling this relative where to sling their hook.

Have you considered talking with your mother and telling her that if she doesn't get rid of this individual, you will no longer stay in touch with her and you won't be there for her when she needs you most? Make it a decision point for her - either you or him but one of you goes.

It's a drastic measure but surely one that she could make with ease (selecting YOU and not him).

I'd definitely start getting the police involved from a legal perspective at this point.

Bloody hell! Thanks for the update, don't you hate it when your initial negative thoughts absolutely turn out to be justified

Sounds like it was definitely his plan to move in with your mother and you foiled his plans.

Sounds like he has no where to go and no plans to get a job to try and get himself out the situation.

All you can do now is sort that power of attorney and make sure the Will is secure with no chance of him working your mum into changing it.

Seems like your mum and her money /inheritance was his retirement plan!

This is exactly what mooch wants and given OPs mum has disregarded her concerns it's a possibility she could side with mooch. Mooch will be ready with 'she doesn't care about you or want to look after you, I'll do that, you don't need her, you have me' and then it's another headache for OP.

This is all utterly preplanned. He will be attempting to claim from her estate after she dies, even if he isn't in her will, as he is inserting himself in her life as a 'dependent'

While this post might be a tad uncharitable about your mum, I certainly have relatives that act this way.Could there be a bit of manipulation going on from your mum too?

Can you get her power of attorney and cut him off? Tell your mum to let you be the bad guy here since you can't bring herself to do it?

This! What about your mum coming to you for Christmas? No room for him, of course.

And POA sounds increasingly urgent. Could Age Concern provide some advice on risks of elder abuse? The unbelievable shame of this idiot pressing an elderly person for money.

I’ve got all this to come! My brother and his wife came into a LOT of money 20 years ago, due to a couple of bad investments & not working for probably the first 10 years, they’ve burnt through the money… they now are scraping by in a foreign country…. But I’m not sure they won’t decide to move in with my parents at some point in the future and knowing them get them to sign everything into their names so they inherit everything