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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relative burned through funds and now mooching

660 replies

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 22:41

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

OP posts:
Notamum12345577 · 06/01/2024 12:11

pontipinemum · 05/11/2023 00:04

He needs to go! He will end up never leaving. Sorry just what I'm like so he's been living off 1m for 40 years about 25k per year. I know that goes a lot further in some places. But he has to have been doing something he can't have been living too much of a high life on that money.

But all that aside he needs to leave your mams house

Sorry if someone has already said this, I can’t be bothered to read the 100s of replies, but it would be far more than 25k a year. 30-40 years ago a million in the bank would get you about 50k a year interest to play with, so with him eating all the capital up over those years it means he had at least 50k a year to spend.

NigellaAwesome · 10/01/2024 11:34

Well OP, what is the latest on the METD (Mooch's Estimated Time of Departure)?

ThePoshUns · 12/01/2024 07:22

How's it going OP?🤞🏻

LookItsMeAgain · 12/01/2024 10:06

He's managed to get another week out of your mother. Every week eats into her money - more electricity/gas/heating used because he is there. How much longer is she willing to just hold her purse open and for him to take take take???

DriftingDora · 12/01/2024 10:29

I have a feeling we'll never know the real outcome here.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 12/01/2024 18:02

I hope you've managed to get him out of the house by now.

Original poster
coldcallerbaiter · 12/01/2024 21:11

Hi, yes he went this morning. A few hours before I arrived at dm house.

I am exhausted from thinking about it to be honest, got more important things to do. My blood pressure went up really high on the monitor so I was obviously stressed.

Anyway tomorrow we are taking dm out for lunch and we will get our nails done together, dd is here too.

Dm wanted me to make up with mooch. So I guess I am the bad guy and mooch is the victim - sigh. All her early complaints seem forgotten. See what I mean about her memory? Either that or she is being contrary, which has been known to happen. Plus mooch really turned the waterworks on and started to be more helpful to her, taking her to the supermarket and helped around the house more.

I will be civil to him once he gets his life together and stops the overtures…so it might be a long wait.

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 12/01/2024 21:37

So glad to hear that OP. Lets hope that your DM can be rid of his mooching.

NigellaAwesome · 12/01/2024 22:22

Well at least he is out, for the moment. He really is a conniving parasite isn't he?

IncompleteSenten · 12/01/2024 22:26

He'll be back.

DriftingDora · 12/01/2024 22:27

He isn't gone, gone. He's just thinking up what scheme he can try next.

SleepPrettyDarling · 12/01/2024 22:39

Well done on getting him out. And it sounds like you will keep a close and watchful eye on your mum’s house. Maybe make a few changes to her spare room, leave a few of your personal items there like pyjamas, toiletries, photos, so it’s no longer ‘the spare room’ but your room for when you find to visit.

does your mum need ongoing care like a neighbour/cater popping in once or twice a week?

And make sure you get the POA sorted as soon as you can.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 12/01/2024 22:57

Pleased to see your update OP but do not for one second take your eye off or trust this guy. He has your mum well and truly under his control. You being the 'bad guy' and him 'the victim' shows this. He will be hatching some sort of back up plan while you think he's out of your hair.

Your mum may be in early stages of dementia. Get her a referral to be assessed. Get the POA done as soon as possible. Make sure he doesn't get a key or get to stay the night. Get a ring doorbell installed. He knows you're onto him, he gave you one hell of a fight to get him out. He won't give up just because you got him out this time.

greenhydrangea · 13/01/2024 00:17

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:55

No he is a guest so not paying any rent, she would not accept it anyway. He has moved all his possessions in too, some furniture etc, he has emigrated. It’s all in her garage.

Glad to read your update. And glad you're having a respite day. But you really do need to heed advice from pp above and change the locks, and get a POA, stat.

Did he remove all his possessions from the garage? I hope so.

OliveToboogie · 13/01/2024 00:25

I would be tempted to have a talk with him without your mum there. Tell him you have his card marked. If he puts so much as a toenail back in your mum's house you will be down on him like a ton of bricks. He is a Narcissist and a con man. Be careful.

SunRainStorm · 13/01/2024 00:47

So glad he's gone!

Nanaof1 · 13/01/2024 03:51

I am also very glad he is gone but he will return, with a new sob story. Before he does that, you need to get a POA and do what you can to protect your Mom financially. A nanny cam would not be a bad idea either. Changing the locks will help, until he worms his way through the door, but at least it will stop him for a bit (I am betting he made a copy of her key).

I also like the idea of you moving a few things into the spare room and call it "your room" to your Mom. Perhaps come and stay the night when you can. I used to do that with my Mom, though she lived closer, and it really was fun. We even went out late to a 24-hour restaurant a few times. But just hanging with her made memories for me (and yes, she could also be contrary/stubborn).

You are a great daughter to care so much about your Mom. Mooch doesn't really care about your Mom, except for what he feels he can get from her. Protect your Mom. Hopefully, she has a will and copies are secure. If not, she needs to make one before she gets too "forgetful".

You have a lot of people pulling for you both. I think some have learned from experience, and some are just superb at seeing the poison ivy in the woods. I've been there, done that and the dang thieves took the t-shirt too. 😳😖

LightofMoonbeams · 13/01/2024 04:07

I woudn't be surprised if Mooch finds another target on the dating scene. (Rich widow scenario).
He must surely realise you are not going to allow him to leech off your Mum.
However, I do agree all measures need to be put in place so he knows you mean business.

ThePoshUns · 13/01/2024 08:29

Well done OP on getting him out but you'll need to watch him like a hawk. He's a manipulator and will likely keep up or have a new sob story to keep your mum on his side. A POA needs to be sorted ASAP before your mums state of mind deteriorates as she needs capacity to sign the documents. Good luck.

binkie163 · 13/01/2024 09:36

So glad to read your update.

FerretFarago · 13/01/2024 11:37

I think you need to give your other relatives (flying monkeys) a gentle warning that he’s blown through his inheritance and he thought your DMum would be a cushy billet (he was expecting her to house him, feed him and do his chores while he was telling everyone else he was her new carer) and he will probably looking for someone else in the family he can sponge off instead!! Remind them that he’s burned through his inheritance, sold his flat in the UK (why couldn’t he have lived there and got a job) and that once he’s established in someone else’s house he’ll be hoping to be a dependant for the rest of his life!!

Startyabastard · 17/01/2024 10:34

He sounds absolutely awful.

LookItsMeAgain · 26/01/2024 13:58

@coldcallerbaiter - just thought I'd check in to see how you and your mum are getting on, now that the moocher has moved on.

Hopefully your mum isn't missing his company (this might be a thing) and is enjoying her home again without the 'shadow' lurking.

Original poster
coldcallerbaiter · 26/01/2024 15:49

@LookItsMeAgain Thanks for checking in. Dm is fine. Mooch seems settled where he is now. Lack of funds may bring him back to our attention, I honestly think saying no surprised him but it is for his own good and dignity long term, he will need to sink or swim.
Something smells wrong the more I hear about him, he hasn’t registered himself for drs, council or anything. He is kind of sub-letting for cash. Surely he would want to claim benefits…but he isn’t. I cannot see how he is even legally able to do this.

OP posts:
Cosmosforbreakfast · 26/01/2024 17:30

Glad you and your mum are doing well OP. If he hasn't registered with doctor council etc maybe he intends to move on somewhere else? Whatever he's at, keep an eye, he won't have given up that easily.