Relative burned through funds and now mooching

[coldcallerbaiter]

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

@coldcallerbaiter

He sees her storing his things as his 'foot in the door'. As long as his 'stuff' is there then he feels 'su casa es mi casa'. When he leaves he needs to take his belongings with him or arrange for storage, heirlooms or no. Your mum needs to make this 'declaration' that her home is NOT his.

As far as a him copying a key and moving in unannounced, do you think he'd do that now that the position has been made clear? If so, I agree with a 2nd deadbolt that is used only when he's visiting. Or just change the lock barrels after a visit rather than the whole lock.

I don't understand how he would get in even after you've changed the locks? The spare would be useless if the locks had been changed.

pontipinemum

@coldcallerbaiter I think it sounds like you are doing your best for DM with making sure he doesn't weasel too far in. I can understand your DM still loving him though and not wanting to abandon him when his own parents died so young.

Things are never as black and which as they can sometimes be made to seem on here.

Really? Are you sure about that (assume you mean 'as black and white')? That's some sweeping statement, but let's hope you're right. Naïve is still the word I'd use, he sounds a choice piece of work and his attitude towards women is suspect, to say the very least, but you obviously know better.

Because with the key. The Mooch declared he will be visiting dm for a couple of days once in a while, he will be expecting the keys when he is there.

the valuables, agree it’s a foothold but he has the foothold anyway as he has her goodwill to visit at the moment.

and to the person who says I am naive, if he is not out by Jan, I will force the issue, until then I am not prepared to bully dm if she wants to keep her promise, she isn’t senile. He is not a criminal, he will not harm her, give me some credit that I can judge this situation reasonably. Do you really think I would let a would-be batterer live there? He needs our goodwill to stay permanently, he hasn’t got it and that’s the end of it as far as I am concerned. Not everyone goes in screaming like a fish wife, I have had a word and now we expect him to leave and sort himself out.

OP,

I would strongly advise you prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

You know he is a creep from your daughter.
Sly, because you havd so little concrete information.
Capable of being nasty and bad tempered with your mother.

I don't think any of you really know him at all.

Your mother is kind and that makes her very vulnerable.

I would be contacting Age protection organisations.

If his situation is now difficult that could make him desperate.

He is not a nice good man.

He's a selfish entitled man whose retirement plan was your mother and her home.

I would be most concerned.

Should anything happen to your mother how will you prove that she hasn't given him permission to stay?

You could find it surprisingly difficult to get him out, particularly as there is such a long close family association of visits.

Your mother has held valuable heirlooms for him for 30 years.

A good lawyer could claim that there was always an agreement that he would retire and live with your mum, hence his valuables being held in her home.

@coldcallerbaiter
'because with the key'

This was my question, once you change the locks, his previous spare key would be useless. But I didn't realise you would feel obliged to hand him over new spares when he asks... oh well carry on then. If he wants keys, hardly like you can say no can you?

When he goes you should install a ring doorbell. Your Mum can see him coming ti the house & not lwt him in. Definitely don’t give him aa new key.

Well it sounds very much like the problem is if DM sees him on the ring doorbell she'll get out the Egyptian cotton sheets and open a bottle of the finest chablis <whilst grousing to the OP about what an imposition it all is>.

I really do appreciate everyone’s replies and of course I understand the logic.

it is not my house or hospitality habit running for decades. There is a bowl in the hall with the spare keys, if he pops out and dm is not home he cannot get in, plus dm won’t want to spell out, no keys as you are not trusted, to her it’s the same as saying eff off

As long as he does not stay permanently, the valuables and keys etc can be the compromise.

I have a camera up at the doorway that I have the app for, he he goes in outside of permission, I will know.

Agreed about the insurance one poster mentioned, I doubt his stuff is adequately covered, but then again he has no proof we have his stuff. Thinking about it now, he had better behave or I might stick his priceless stuff on eBay!

@DriftingDora yes sorry I mean as black and white. I can't seem to edit my post. He does sound like a weasel and needs to be watched. But it doesn't mean her mam can't still have a soft spot for him. And it sounds like OP has done a lot to help her mam protect herself.

I have witnesses, my family, the cleaner, her neighbour, she has told them all the same thing she told me, she cannot have him there as he is too much to handle, yes he can lawyer-away, but if he is desperate he will do all sorts of unpredictable things, I know so am in for a long-haul, just a feeling.

My sister in Australia called this evening, I ran through it with her too, she is watching this thread - hi FF! I think we are outed! TMI (ach who cares)…

You know he is a creep from your daughter.

No, @billy1966 her daughter finds him creepy. That doesn't mean he IS a creep. Kids and teens find a lot of people 'creepy'. Sometimes they are, but it's just as likely that they're just funny looking or maybe autistic. Teens don't have much tolerance for people who don't fit.the norm.

Maybe he is and maybe he isn't, but to say that OP "knows he's a creep" is not accurate, and it's dangerous to jump to that.

He IS a creep if (as is apparently the case) he has purchased vulnerable women. Any man who does that has no character to speak of.

@saraclara semantics, and there is nothing dangerous in me expressing MY opinion that her daughter thinks he is a creep.

Whether he is or not is irrelevant IMO, her daughter thinks he is creepy or a creep, or gives her the creeps, one in the same very unflattering description of a man.

I have 2 teen daughters and they are not the least bit judgmental about the appearance of others, as are many teens I know.

The word creepy and creep is saved for the type of person that makes them feel deeply uncomfortable/possibly unsafe in their company and gives them "the creeps".

These words are all connected IMO.

Its a very strong word and certainly a word I would take very seriously from my girls.

It isn't a word I hear from boys.
Its saved for a type of man that woman actively avoid.

I pity the OP daughter's having described him thus, having to spend Christmas day in his company.

Any man that preys on an elderly woman and makes her feel uncomfortable is indeed a creep IMO.

Yep and it wouldn’t surprise me if he purchased young girls too. There is a reason these men go to the Far East.

Agreed. Someone like him is going to be cheeky. Be cheeky too.

What about a smart lock? It works with your mobile phone apparently and you can change it at the drop of a hat

re keys.

Aren't there some where it is nigh on impossible to get copies unless you are the registered owner?

Then spare keys can be kept in the bowl, as before, but there can't be any unofficial copies made.

My honest advice would be the following and to tread carefully but do these things under the guise of increasing your mum's security, decreasing her possibly liability and exposure to liability.

First off - He has to get his furniture and heirlooms out of your mum's house and in to some storage unit. They have insurance for these things if something were to go wrong. If it were to happen in your mum's house, these items are probably not listed as specific items on her home & contents insurance so he might feel he has more of a finger in the pie should anything happen to your mum and her estate is being split up.

Secondly - he no longer gets to stay with your mum. If he's coming to visit, he does it during the day but sleeps elsewhere. This is all done under the guise of her downsizing. She isn't going to be keeping furniture in the rooms that are the ones she uses regularly, and she isn't going to heat them either. So it's no longer a suitable location for him to stay at.

I would also change the locks and get a new Chubb or similar fitted to the door - increasing security for her. Don't give him a key to the door. He won't need one.

Block his number on her phone. Suggest that things are getting a little stressful after this visit and you're more than happy for him to contact you to arrange visits going forwards.

You said that he is unlikely to harm her - there are many ways to harm someone; physical or emotional or financial harm. I think he is terribly adept at doing the last one. I think he could financially harm your mum so please be aware of that. I'm also getting a feeling that this bloke plays the long game and will make like everything is ok but keep your eyes and ears out for anything out of the ordinary or that your mum might try to hide from you.

@wesurecouldstandgladioli He is a creep with women living in a hedonistic bubble tbh, he posted about it on sm for years with accompanying pics, all much younger and obviously rented, and all his guy western friends over there were the same. Funny thing though, he did support several extended families over there via some of his serious relationships, so he was getting used too in my opinion but I guess he knew the deal. He either left and came home due to lack of money or being chased / in trouble somehow, idk.

Thanks for the key ideas, I doubt dm will go for any of them though.

If he does get a new place to live, this ought to break the link in his habitual UK home, so it is essential for him to go and that is my priority. Dm and I are on the same page with that at least.

Clearly your daughters instinct are well tuned.

I think young women can spot a creep from 30 yards.

Its like they exude an odour.

As for supporting whole families in poorer countries, this would be very normal and "relationships" are usually conditional on the whole family being supported.
These poor women are raised to seek out such men.

These men are treated very well by the family they fund unsurprisingly, and take a very honoured position within the family structure.
The women are often spared back breaking menial jobs by living with these men, sometimes 3-4 times their age.🤢

There is a very specific type of man that moves to these countries upon retiring.

They are not family men with strong ties and a loving family in their country of birth.

Having lived in Asia, I saw this dynamic up close years ago.

Just awful.

Change the locks.
Stop leaving spare keys in a bowl in the hallway (not a good idea in terms of security for anyone).
Tell your mother not to give him -or anyone else- a key.

Normally guests can come and visit people and ring the doorbell when they want to get in - they don't need a key for the front door! If he wants to go out and come back again, he needs to do it when someone is in. It would be a good idea for you to arrange to be there yourself when he makes these future visits. And/or he does as other posters have suggested, and come to visit in the daytime when your DM is awake, and sleep elsewhere (eg his new shared rental house).

Ask him to look into alternative storage units for his heirlooms, now that he's permanently back in the UK. There's no reason why he can't take them to his new home (and rent a safe deposit box or similar for items made of actual gold - which would be much safer than your DM's garage!)

As an aside I have to mention what a great word 'mooching' is.

I wouldn't trust him an inch OP, nor believe a word he says. He's playing a long game and he is still dictating terms to your mother. Both you and your mum are being naive whether you acknowledge it or not.

He can be told right now he is to get his heirlooms out of the house, he has no right to a spare key and that he will only be visiting, when invited and will not be sleeping there at any time. He can be told right now to leave and stay somewhere else. Your mum might care for him or feel guilty but both you and her have to watch out for yourselves. Otherwise your next thread will be 'Relative took my mum's house and money and left her with nothing'.

Yet another disgusting misogynistic man manipulating and taking advantage of women.