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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relative burned through funds and now mooching

660 replies

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 22:41

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

OP posts:
GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 07/11/2023 12:12

I think Xmas is far too long. Especially if he's expecting DM to foot the bill for expensive food and drink and all his utilities (clean sheets every day?! Wtf?!)

I understand DM thinks he should be with family for Xmas, and that's fine if it's what she wants. But I really think he should move out now, and come back for a few days, prearranged start and end dates, over Xmas. Just like any other Xmas visitor. Him being there for Xmas does not mean he has to be there all of Nov and Dec!

She or you can tell him he needs to leave on the xth date (after you come back from hol?) as she has other guests coming and needs the room. Tell him now so he has a couple of weeks notice to find somewhere to go, but be firm that his visit is over on x date and he's welcome back to stay for 5 days between Xmas and new year or whatever.

helpplease01 · 07/11/2023 13:47

I would be straight with him "leave my mum alone" don't be polite, don't beat around the bush. He is out of order.

THIS.

LastNightIDreamtIWasAtManderleyAgain · 07/11/2023 13:57

Yes, I can understand feeling like there is a 'plan' regarding holiday and Christmas, but that feeling is part of a denial that the OP's mother needs her help now, and bad things do happen all too often with elder care.

user1471538283 · 07/11/2023 17:40

This whole thing is making me very nervous. I can see him refusing to go by making 101 different reasons why he cannot or getting aggressive.

I really wouldn't have it particularly now we know his game plan.

Livingtothefull · 07/11/2023 18:50

I agree that this is by no means over and that your mother could be at risk while you are away.

On a previous post you mentioned in passing that 'he is used to buying women. I won’t say which country as it’s outing but you might guess.'

To reiterate: if this means what it seems to mean, it should tell you all you need to know about the (low) calibre of person you are dealing with. A man who preys on vulnerable women in that way, is pond life. That is a person with no morals; the person whom your mother is living with, and who will be attending your Xmas celebrations alongside your teenage children. I think it would be safe for you to presume the worst about him.

T1Dmama · 08/11/2023 06:16

Wow a live in carer who expects to be fed and watered and have his bed sheets changed daily…. Who is the cater again??
He’s such a fool to sell property that was giving him a steady income… but I’m sure he’s hidden all his assets so that he will be entitled to benefits after being here so long.

Wonderfulz · 08/11/2023 06:45

The police may need to eject him if he’s unwilling to leave

DriftingDora · 08/11/2023 09:56

Livingtothefull · 07/11/2023 18:50

I agree that this is by no means over and that your mother could be at risk while you are away.

On a previous post you mentioned in passing that 'he is used to buying women. I won’t say which country as it’s outing but you might guess.'

To reiterate: if this means what it seems to mean, it should tell you all you need to know about the (low) calibre of person you are dealing with. A man who preys on vulnerable women in that way, is pond life. That is a person with no morals; the person whom your mother is living with, and who will be attending your Xmas celebrations alongside your teenage children. I think it would be safe for you to presume the worst about him.

This is so right. He has total contempt for women, so a man like this would not think twice about swindling an elderly lady - he'll then take off abroad most likely, so that will be that. I cannot work out how anyone in their right mind would leave their elderly mother to cope with this accident waiting to happen and just hop off on holiday! Beggars belief.

JudgeJ · 08/11/2023 11:28

On a previous post you mentioned in passing that 'he is used to buying women. I won’t say which country as it’s outing but you might guess.'

Why did he leave this hedonistic paradise in which he lived for so long? Don't they have a non-contributory benefits system to keep him in his old age? Maybe suggest he would be happier returning there.

Tarragon123 · 09/11/2023 09:47

Sorry, haven’t read the whole thread.

Your Mum may be entitled to pension credit and other benefits. However, having a non dependent living with her could affect this. At the very least, assuming she lives in the property on her own, she should be getting single discount on council tax. If he moves in, she’ll need to pay full council tax.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 09/11/2023 09:54

Your poor Mum
I do think you need to intervene and if he won't leave then I'd consider two things
Report it to social services as she is a vulnerable adult, being older
Asking the police to remove him as he has no rights to be there and is in effect an unwanted guest

Nanaof1 · 14/11/2023 14:15

coldcallerbaiter · 05/11/2023 11:13

Thanks for the questions, I have no male relatives apart from dh and ds. I won’t get them involved, I will kick him out myself.

Dm has a nice nest egg, she does not claim benefits. He knows she can keep him and afford to.

I think this was always his plan, he thought he was clever, now he sees me as his bitch of an obstacle.

You will need to hope that he hasn't bled her dry by Christmas. I knew someone like this and it took only a few months before they go everything into their name and then proceeded to destroy the person they had been sponging off.

He is a danger to your mother and no one wants to do anything about it. SMDH

Nomnomnom66 · 14/11/2023 14:27

Get someone to invite him to the pub for an afternoon. While he's gone, pack his shit and throw it out the front. Change the locks. Do not let him back in.

Livingtothefull · 14/11/2023 19:03

Nanaof1 · 14/11/2023 14:15

You will need to hope that he hasn't bled her dry by Christmas. I knew someone like this and it took only a few months before they go everything into their name and then proceeded to destroy the person they had been sponging off.

He is a danger to your mother and no one wants to do anything about it. SMDH

Show quote history

This is correct I am sorry to say. I would be really concerned that your DM is at risk right now if she is left alone with him.

You say 'Dm is feisty but kind. I worry if her mind starts to fog with age he can get his claws in.' But you don't seem to have grasped that she could be vulnerable long long before then.

Read up on Ben Field. A striking thing about his crimes was, that his victims might not have been considered particularly vulnerable; both of them were people of independent means with successful careers behind them. But that didn't save them from being the victims of an utterly unscrupulous individual.

I am not claiming that your relative is a truly dangerous person like Field; but the evidence indicates he is unscrupulous.

captainmarvella · 14/11/2023 22:25

OP I don't have a good feeling about your updates. This is by no means over. I don't think your DM should be left alone with this man until xmas. I really hope you won't regret the decision to ignore this until it's too late.

Original poster
coldcallerbaiter · 14/11/2023 23:03

Mooch is now saying he will not be coming for Xmas to mine, going to friends instead - result!

He probably does not want to face me after I told him his issues were his own fault.

He also has a cheap house of multiple occupancy rental being sorted for January, and it seems legit and they took a deposit.

I still think he will go, re-group and be back to dm in the future. I think he will have no choice, as it will always be a better lifestyle for him.
He thinks she is sitting on plenty and is older, so what’s the harm in it.

He says he will visit Dm several times a year and stay over to keep her company - sigh. She politely said that was fine. I agree with posters that this is not over…

OP posts:
ThePoshUns · 14/11/2023 23:09

Ooh he's devious but he knows you have him sussed. He's hoping you'll take your eye off the ball. You need to be all over him. I think I remember you saying you're sorting POA for your mum, make sure you do get it sorted.

greenhydrangea · 14/11/2023 23:10

Good result. And good on you for standing up to him. I would hope you can get all of his stuff out of her garage also. Merry Moochless Christmas!

DriftingDora · 14/11/2023 23:36

greenhydrangea · 14/11/2023 23:10

Good result. And good on you for standing up to him. I would hope you can get all of his stuff out of her garage also. Merry Moochless Christmas!

I wouldn't be too complacent - he hasn't gone yet and January is a long time off. How does the OP know he's telling the truth and not just spinning yet another yarn? He's only gone when he's gone and the locks on the house are changed. The leech is about as trustworthy as Boris Johnson. He's playing the OP and her mother like a violin here and the OP doesn't seem to be seeing it, so naïve.

therealcookiemonster · 14/11/2023 23:45

personally I would (with your mum's permission), block his number from her phone and only allow him to see her at your house or at her house when you are there. under no circumstances should he come and stay 'several times a year'.

LastNightIDreamtIWasAtManderleyAgain · 15/11/2023 01:03

I would not leave her alone in the house with him for any time.

Original poster
coldcallerbaiter · 15/11/2023 10:22

To the posters who say I am naive, no I am not but this all unfolded once he had arrived. This was a surprise situation, if a close relative is emigrating back home and has no base ( sold their property, which is the most annoying part) then we were fine with him using her home as a stepping stone, even if it was 3 months or more. What threw us, was the permanent and cater/companion talk.

Also, he brought some furniture back with him (very little) but she had stored his family heirlooms for
30 years, small but valuable stuff from his parents. When he leaves, he says he is not taking them as it is not safe to keep gold etc at a shared place. Her home has always been his UK base.

Another issue is the key, when he visits later, once moved out, he will
use the spare key, he has always had it to get in and out, so any key can be copied by him, changing the lock is pointless.

Dm wants him to move in to his own place, but she doesn’t mind visits for a few days at a time, even though she rolls her eyes about his habits, she cares for him and does not want to see him abandoned.
I have to respect her wishes, not doing so will stress her and I will need to be vigilant.

OP posts:
pontipinemum · 15/11/2023 10:51

@coldcallerbaiter I think it sounds like you are doing your best for DM with making sure he doesn't weasel too far in. I can understand your DM still loving him though and not wanting to abandon him when his own parents died so young.

Things are never as black and which as they can sometimes be made to seem on here.

Sarvanga38 · 15/11/2023 11:08

Another issue is the key, when he visits later, once moved out, he will
use the spare key, he has always had it to get in and out, so any key can be copied by him, changing the lock is pointless.

Additional deadlock on door that he is never given a key for?

LastNightIDreamtIWasAtManderleyAgain · 15/11/2023 14:18

If he has left his heirlooms at her home, then their value will affect her contents insurance fees, and he can also make a number of nasty claims further down the line for access, or about having his valuables alienated from him.

In a similar situation with heirlooms I put them in a portable strong box kept by my bank. I bought the box myself. He may need to PAY and do a bit of research. He can also keep a strong box in his room.