Relative burned through funds and now mooching

[coldcallerbaiter]

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

That loser needs booting out right away. Be honest and tell him everything you’ve told us. What an entitled prick.

Nothing is set in stone, your mum can withdraw the offer of accommodating him over Christmas. He has no intention of leaving, ever. Pack his stuff and put it outside, get the locks changed. Contact Police and Social Services, explain your concerns to them. Have your mum speak to her solicitor and tell them she is worried she might be bullied into changing her will. Have someone keep an eye on your mum while you're away. As PP said get a Land Registry alert, check your mum's credit. Also have her cancel her cards and get new ones issued. If she has any passwords change them. Get her a camera doorbell.

Mooch replied that all he wanted to do was support and care for dm in her old age and as she was widowed and alone now

Your mum is not alone, she has you. This guy is playing a long game. He's portraying himself as the caring person who only wants to look after your mum, as if she had no one else to do so. He's grooming her, he's trying to distance her from you with the idea that only he will be looking after her. The coercive control has already started.

Don't wait a minute more. Get him and his stuff out. Get his stuff out of your mum's garage, put it in the garden and tell him he has 3 days to move it or it's going in a skip. Ignore any reasons, excuses or pleas from him.

Get him out tonight.

The longer he stays the harder to get him out. Pack his belongings and put them on the doorstep and change the locks. Absolutely disgraceful that not only is he happy to live off a pensioner but he's got her skivvying after him. He has no repect for your mother whatsoever and doesn't care about the impact he is having on her. Why care about how he feels. He needs some tough love.

Your mum doesn't want or need that so-called help from him, though, does she?

Dont wait until after Christmas! He needs to go by the end of the month. It is not up to him when he will stay until! You may need someone to go down and back her up/talk to him directly and to stay so he does not make her life miserable during the count down.

Sorry, just saw your update! Good for you. But if he is nasty to her, he will have to go sooner, and you may have to go and stay there for a while. I kind of hope he does not get benefits, he needs to pay the consequences for his actions. Bet if it comes down to it, he will find a way to manage (use his hidden funds).

Does she have any other income? If not, has she done a Benefit Calculator to see if she is entitled to claim Guaranteed Pension Credit?

Well done, OP.

You've seen right through him, and that showed in his response. He doesn't give two hoots about your mum, it was his own living circumstances he cared about.

OP, you are mad if you allow him to stay until Christmas. I'd fully expect you to be back on here, saying that he won't go or he's pulled some other stroke so that he can remain in your Mum's house. I'd put money on the fact that he won't leave of his own accord. How have these "friends" who long for his scintillating presence only just materialised? I thought he had nowhere else to go? He's making it up as he goes along, and what you've doing is letting him get away with it. He's laughing at you all. This thread is bonkers.

Family A lives in a council house and spends all their income on booze, ciggies, tattoos and other wasteful things, never saving a penny, hardly ever working. Come old age, having nothing saved, they get every benefit going.

Family B live in an identical council house but they work hard and pay into a pension, ISAs and even buy their council house. They go without, not having too much because they are saving for their future.

Come their retirement, they get no benefits and they are asked to use up all their savings and then sell their house to pay for nursing care, leaving them with next to nothing to hand down.

Family A have almost the same but Family A had the benefit of spending all their income.

The kids of Family B pledge never to give the state anything after being robbed blind to feed the layabout Family A.

Good that you had the conversation OP but I think you're making a mistake to let him stay until after Christmas.
The longer he stays the harder it will be to get him out. I'd have said the end of this month that's it.

Totally not on, the longer he stays the more he will get used to it and expect it. Time to step in big time before he gets his feet under the table, which your Mum has already recognised. Little sympathy here, he's lived a life we would all dream of, no responsibilities, been reckless, now expects others to continue to keep him in the way he is accustomed to. Time for a reality check, selfish and beyond immature.

Your main priority now is to protect your Mum and let her enjoy her retirement years as she longed to, it's not her job to look after your irresponsible cousin or anyone else's, it's his. He's moved back to the UK after a life of indulgence and it's lovely they've been close but it doesn't mean she has to spend her last years serving him, which sounds like what he's expecting?

Well done on having a chat to him op.
Presumably these "friends" are the ones he's been yapping to daily on the phone?
He's clearly got money to spend as well if he's out and about at all hours at night. Very odd.
Sounds like if he was staying with her yearly for 3 weeks at a time and she's his mother figure, he assumed he'd be welcomed back to stay open ended.
From his reaction, he seems to think you should be grateful to have him there "looking after" your mum!

Agree on getting locks changed and lasting power of attorney applied for.
With the benefits, MIL who retired abroad 20 odd years ago can't claim anything in UK until she's lived back here for 2 years.
Had to move back to live with us after a fall and dementia diagnosis.
She was already getting state and private pensions but will eventually hopefully be entitled to attendance allowance and carers.

So his intention was to inveigle his way into a carer role without any consultation with you or your DM it seems. He hoped he'd take up residence in the spare bedroom by stealth and mooch off your mum. What a cad, ha!

He's slippery and manipulative IMO. If he cared about your DM he wouldn't be imposing on her goodwill or stating he won't help her in the future if he can't be hosted free of charge as long as he likes. Don't let your guard down with him. Christmas should be interesting, OP!

Thanks all, Xmas is not negotiable as dm is happy with that. I know how her mind works about family and Christmas and kindness. plus I am abroad shortly, so I want it peaceful while I am away.

I just called dm and said are you sure you did not say he could be your carer/live with you? She said no, I have not lost my marbles yet! I would never agree to that without consulting you. She’s baffled. But I think he must have hinted to her but she did not catch on. Looking back I now remember him saying at the funeral of her husband that it will be fine, I will come back and live with you. He must have taken the lack of reply as an okay.

As you all said, the mask slipped. It must have been pre-planned.

The friends he has, I do not think he means he can live with them. They would let him stay a week or so but think he means he will live near them. They have families, they can’t take him in. I think they have connections though to work as one is a business owner.

Well done op.

Don't let your guard down until the moocher is gone!

Could you get the ball rolling by getting him to move his things out of your DM's garage and into a storage locker before Christmas? For that matter, why was he even given access to the garage?
Do you have siblings who can help you get him out?

If he stays over Christmas he's sorted it in his mind that he has managed a permanent position. Get rid as soon as possible. The longer he stays the harder to dislodge him. He's a leech.

I wonder if your mum would be ok with you getting a signed statement from him that he agrees he is leaving on XX date. If he'd even sign such a statement, of course. And assuming it doesn't create any kind of tenant rights.

Personally I would call age concern for legal advice, they are hot on this. Financial elder abuse is a criminal offense. They will advise a call to police and adult social services, they will give you your mum's rights re not having an unwanted guest who is manipulative and refusing to leave. I suspect he won't want a visit from the police. Your mum will need to be firm that she wants him to leave, no feeling sorry for him. You need it logged with adult services that she is vulnerable and he has form for mooching. He is clearly making a move on the house and savings, get him out now.
Are your mum's valuables, jewelry, paperwork, bank statements, savings safely filed away. I agree with pp his stuff needs to go into storage, give a date or you will call in house clearance company. He is going to play hardball, beg, bully, refuse, get police involved.

Yes to all all of this. He’s being quiet about it now but he won’t go quietly.

And he’s now got 2 months to work on your mum.

I wouldn’t even leave her in the house with him personally.

I really don't think it's getting through to the OP, so it's a bit of a waste of time. It's all dandy saying she doesn't want any hassle while she's away and that the leech staying over Christmas is 'non negotiable', but the leech didn't 'negotiate' with anyone before he moved in, did he - so why give him the benefit of time?

And between now and Christmas it's a dead certainty that he'll have formulated a plan to stay or will just flatly refuse to move out. This going to rebound big-time.

Well done.
He might not be able to claim benefits as he has too much money saved up.

This, exactly.

This exactly. I don't think OP understands how serious a situation this is and even being away for a week on holidays while he's still there is dangerous. She could easily return to find the locks changed and her mum out of the house. He will take a chance while she's out of the country to do something, he needs to be gone before OP leaves for her holiday.

I can only hope OP that you have followed advice here and made concerns known to Police, Social Services, your mums solicitor and her bank. A holiday will not be worth your mum losing her home and savings.