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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relative burned through funds and now mooching

660 replies

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 22:41

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

OP posts:
Teateaandmoretea · 05/11/2023 20:15

saraclara · 05/11/2023 20:03

The majority of people are net recipients because they have children. Anyone with children, even if they're in a two resident parent family and both work, is a net recipient, due to the cost of education etc.

The proportion has less to do with benefits than with education and the cost of any healthcare that people need.

Show quote history

Yeah but their kids’ taxes will pay the pensions of the childless. Totally swings and roundabouts on that one!

Badbadbunny · 05/11/2023 20:19

Teateaandmoretea · 05/11/2023 20:15

Yeah but their kids’ taxes will pay the pensions of the childless. Totally swings and roundabouts on that one!

Show quote history

Not if they have children themselves!

Teateaandmoretea · 05/11/2023 20:35

Badbadbunny · 05/11/2023 20:19

Not if they have children themselves!

Show quote history

🤔🤣🤣

Yeah but according to the pp all parents are a net drain. It’s only the saintly childless who actually contribute.

Their kids kids will then pay pensions of the later childless.

If no one had kids there would be no taxes.

LastNightIDreamtIWasAtManderleyAgain · 05/11/2023 22:29

And it's a safeguarding issue if the OP's daughter finds him 'creepy'! That word can cover a multitude of sins. The daughter should not have to be in his company.

Original poster
coldcallerbaiter · 06/11/2023 11:52

Thanks for the replies.

I called my mum, I had already told her not to worry, I said I will speak to mooch and blame me for any unpleasantness.

I called mooch and said he needs to find somewhere else straight after xmas.

Mooch replied that all he wanted to do was support and care for dm in her old age and as she was widowed and alone now. He is disappointed in my hostile attitude and will find somewhere else to live and do not expect him to run and help her if she needs it (I never expected that anyway). He will probably move far away near his friends who want him around.

It's hard to be rude to someone who I have always been friendly to. I knew his deceased parents as a kid and they were lovely. They died tragically young and mooch plus all the family probably never got over the pain. Mooch was always cut slack because of it.

I reckon, that if his finances are bad he will go elsewhere but then re-group and be back later, just a feeling I have. I will be getting the POA sorted.

OP posts:
Wellfancy · 06/11/2023 11:59

@PermanentTemporary
He could probably very easily get some kind of live-in carer type role and I think that's his best bet. What a waste.

Are you for real? You think this man is suitable as a live in carer for a vulnerable person elderly or disabled? I most certainly think he is NOT suitable for that role and would be a risk !!! Have a hard think!!!

saraclara · 06/11/2023 12:00

Well done @coldcallerbaiter . Though it's odd that he considers that he's looking after her, while expecting an 80 year old to feed him and provide him with freshly laundered bedding every day.

Wellfancy · 06/11/2023 12:01

He could get factory or cleaning work. There is alot about . He can go to CAB or his local Housing Office for advice on Private lets . Keep him away from your mum ,OP.

MeridianB · 06/11/2023 12:11

No she does not want him there long term, he eats a lot, wants wine with dinner, wants laundry done, yaps loudly on the phone all day, has weird night absences, leaves lights on etc

Why does he get to stay until after Christmas? Get him out now. He’s affecting her quality of life and health so needs to leave. What a self-absorbed wanker he is!

Doopydoo · 06/11/2023 12:32

Well done OP

Mirabai · 06/11/2023 12:52

saraclara · 06/11/2023 12:00

Well done @coldcallerbaiter . Though it's odd that he considers that he's looking after her, while expecting an 80 year old to feed him and provide him with freshly laundered bedding every day.

IKR I would have said that to him. And OP may well have to in future as I doubt he will go quietly.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/11/2023 13:00

coldcallerbaiter · 06/11/2023 11:52

Thanks for the replies.

I called my mum, I had already told her not to worry, I said I will speak to mooch and blame me for any unpleasantness.

I called mooch and said he needs to find somewhere else straight after xmas.

Mooch replied that all he wanted to do was support and care for dm in her old age and as she was widowed and alone now. He is disappointed in my hostile attitude and will find somewhere else to live and do not expect him to run and help her if she needs it (I never expected that anyway). He will probably move far away near his friends who want him around.

It's hard to be rude to someone who I have always been friendly to. I knew his deceased parents as a kid and they were lovely. They died tragically young and mooch plus all the family probably never got over the pain. Mooch was always cut slack because of it.

I reckon, that if his finances are bad he will go elsewhere but then re-group and be back later, just a feeling I have. I will be getting the POA sorted.

Just don't let your guard down quite yet. It's not over until he's actually gone.

Don't be surprised if these 'friends who want him' suddenly have no room for him and he starts playing on your mum's emotions.

Livingtothefull · 06/11/2023 13:20

Well done @coldcallerbaiter . I'm sure you weren't rude, and his response sounds horribly manipulative. If all he wanted to do was care for your mother he wouldn't have let her wait on and provide for him. And she is not alone; she has you.

It is very sad he lost his parents young, but that was decades ago and I don't think there is any particular need to cut him any slack now. As others have said above, make sure he really does go and that he does not now play on your mother's sympathies some more.

greenhydrangea · 06/11/2023 13:26

I called my mum, I had already told her not to worry, I said I will speak to mooch and blame me for any unpleasantness.

Oh, good on you. Here's hoping the slimy little sucker does slope off after Christmas. Your poor mother.

Mooch replied that all he wanted to do was support and care for dm in her old age and as she was widowed and alone now.

Hahahahaha!

FerretFarago · 06/11/2023 13:26

I think your DMum would be wise to change the locks after he’s moved on, put a Land Registry property alert on her house and check that no one takes out credit in her name.

He may do something to keep a tie to the house such as leaving his stuff in her garage or getting his post sent there.

FerretFarago · 06/11/2023 13:27

…and he needs to pay for and cook his own meals, do his own laundry and change his bedding until he moves out!

ZombiePara · 06/11/2023 14:01

@coldcallerbaiter - have read all your posts but not the full thread.

Just from personal experience - when doing the POA forms, get it written there that your mum is happy for you to be paid for caring for her (or family&friends). Even if you don't take the money, or need it or whatever at the time, it is written in there that she has decided and agreed to it. Otherwise it will be an application to the Court of protection which will take over a year, at cost to yourself.

All sounds like a bit of a nightmare, but hopefully Mooch will flounce off in dramatics and remove himself from it all and make your and your mum's lives a bit easier and less confrontational post Christmas!

LookItsMeAgain · 06/11/2023 14:05

@coldcallerbaiter in relation to this part of your update:
"I called mooch and said he needs to find somewhere else straight after xmas.

Mooch replied that all he wanted to do was support and care for dm in her old age and as she was widowed and alone now. He is disappointed in my hostile attitude and will find somewhere else to live and do not expect him to run and help her if she needs it (I never expected that anyway). He will probably move far away near his friends who want him around."

I would have jumped in when he said that with "Oh, that's wonderful. Would there be any chance you could start looking sooner rather than later? Strike while the iron is hot sort of thing?" so that if he did find somewhere to move to, he could and he'd be out of your hair possibly before Christmas.
I also would have pulled him up on wanting to be a carer vs him wanting to be cared for - I mean who gets their sheets washed as regularly as he does by an 80 yr old woman and gets fed etc. etc. etc.

Good for you though for getting that ball in motion to begin with. So many people put up with 'guests' like this bloke simply because they hate making the initial move to get them to move on.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/11/2023 14:06

Just thinking, when he leaves, I'd recommend changing the locks in your mum's front door and any other external door that he might have made a copy of the key for.

Better to be safe!

user1471538283 · 06/11/2023 14:27

Oh he's the gift that keeps giving. He wanted to care for your DM! Nah. He was setting himself up nicely for the rest of his life in her home and he's been busted.

If he mentions it again ignore the want to her but tell him she's not alone.

Interesting choice of word. I wonder if he's used that before.

MeridianB · 06/11/2023 16:23

@FerretFarago is spot on! He is a taker so be extra careful!

NigellaAwesome · 06/11/2023 16:32

'will find somewhere else to live'

Interesting choice of words. So he fully planned to live there, not stay for a few weeks as a guest.

'Mooch replied that all he wanted to do was support and care for dm in her old age and as she was widowed and alone now.'

Again, he viewed this as a long term arrangement. Not that either you or your Mum asked him to be her carer.

He has given himself away and been busted.

I would follow up that call in writing confirming that he will be gone, at the very latest, by Xmas, and confirm that neither you or your Mum envisaged or wanted him to take on any caring role for her. Maybe worth pointing out that in fact it has been the other way round with her catering for him and doing laundry on a daily basis.

This will not be the end of it, I'm sure.

Jacopo · 06/11/2023 17:31

Very well done OP. It’s good you’ve got the ball rolling. And he’s definitely let the mask slip by admitting he was planning on staying there permanently, all along!
Some very good advice above, about ensuring that he hasn’t set anything in motion that’s going to allow him to weasel his way back in.
Put everything you’ve said in writing to him and send it signed-for delivery, and keep a copy for yourself.

FerretFarago · 06/11/2023 18:06

I don’t think he’s going to take this lying down. He’ll work on your DMum to get her to invite him to live with her full time, and rubbish you to her while he’s doing it.

Frankie2018 · 06/11/2023 18:13

It depends how long he has been back in the UK. If he's been outside the UK for more than 4 weeks in the last 2 years then he won't be entitled to Universal Credit