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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to turn down a wedding invite, because kids are not allowed?and to say the truth of why we are not going?

148 replies

milkgoddess · 10/03/2008 16:12

cousins wedding in july, should we make up a reason why we will not be going or just simply state the truth, in a thats fine if thats what you want to do[not invite kids], we won't be attending but congratulations and hope you have a great day.

and no i do not want to go without dd.

OP posts:
jasper · 11/03/2008 11:09

This is one of those non problems really, is it not?
You don't want to go and it is unlikely they will mind at all if you don't go.

I am still perplexed /impressed you don't want a day or two away from your small child.

poodlepusher · 11/03/2008 11:32

I've not read all your replies, but if you want to remain in contact with this cousin you need to go, under her terms.

I would be upset if my children were excluded from someone's wedding. And I made a point of saying all children welcome at mine. But everyone is different, the only thing we have in common is its OUR wedding day and we get to dictate how we want it.

So, you either get a babysitter and go, and remain on friendly terms with your cousin, or possibly create a fight / family feud by refusing to go and saying why.

mrsdannydyer · 11/03/2008 11:38

weddings without children are like fish without chips, not quite complete.

is it because they are trying to save money? or just don't want kids to go?

Chequers · 11/03/2008 11:39

Message withdrawn

LilRedWG · 11/03/2008 12:29

Poodle - I've been the cousin having the wedding and I don't necessarily agree with you.

If my cousin had said, "Sorry, we can't make the day but would love to come with the children on the evening, I would have been happy."

I wouldn't even have been too upset at all if they had declined with no reason - you cannot expect everyone to attend your wedding after all.

If my cousin had said, "I'm still breast feeding, can I bring the littlest one?" I would have said yes of course.

What I'm trying to say is that there are ways and ways. The OP should decline graciously if she feels unable to ask her cousin if she can bring her breastfed DD or decline with grace and send a lovely present and card with her parents. If the cousin doesn't understand, it's her tough luck!

mrsdannydyer · 11/03/2008 12:39

good point, that its a bit off to tell someone, "you can" express. usually its people that haven't actually bf themseleves that go round telling others what they can do.

i also could never get much more than a drop when expressing and people telling me to express for nights out etc used to be quite annoying.

also, i don't think the op is planing on being rude. if you don't include the children you have to be prepare that some will decline the invitation.

madamez · 11/03/2008 13:52

I think that some of the OP's posts (and certianly some other posts) do rather carry the implication that the cousin is a Bad Selfish Person for wanting a childfree wedding, and that the OP should point out her wickedness to her by sniffily declining to attend. It's perfectly possible to decline the invite politely (as is the case with any invite) and it's stupid, destructive, self-righteous and rude to make a big deal about your refusal in a way that puts the blame for it on the inviter.

MotherFunk · 11/03/2008 14:17

Message withdrawn

mrsdannydyer · 11/03/2008 14:17

i don't think the op has indicated that she intends to make a big deal out of it in anyway.
others may have.

kitsmummy · 11/03/2008 15:56

you obviously don't want to go to the wedding. If your cousin doesn't want to invite your child and probably 30 others kids (at a vague cost of £20 per head - that's what they would have cost at our wedding, had we invited them), then she doesn't have to. They've probably spent thousands on the wedding and put months and months of preparation and effort into giving their guests a good time, can't you put yourself out a bit and leave your dd with the mil for a few hours?

hertsnessex · 11/03/2008 16:00

we have done this recently - just said no as children werent allowed and that was that. didnt expect them to change for us and quite simply dont want them too.

pagwatch · 11/03/2008 16:02

Good grief - why is this such a big deal.
Anyone deciding whether or not to invite children surely thinks about the consequences - one of which is that some people may not want to or be able to come with out their children. As long as you are not rude the bride and groom will be expecting some to say sorry but no.
Dh posted a reply today to a couple who have invited us. He just thanked them enormously but said we unfortunately could not arrange child care cover for that dsay but wish them a wonderful day and many happy years ahead.
what is the problem.
My DS2 has special needs and i always feel very sorry for people who contemplate inviting us as they must feel it is a minefield of huge proportions considering how easily people with NT kids get upset and offended.

pelafina · 11/03/2008 16:08

Message withdrawn

Original poster
milkgoddess · 11/03/2008 17:20

sorry not been on here allday, been booking a fab holiday here

so thats sorted then

now what to get as a really nice present....

OP posts:
LilRedWG · 11/03/2008 17:24

Ooo - lovely! I love the Maldives.

Fab pressie..... Hmmm, are they into anything particular? Foodies? Wine?

Original poster
milkgoddess · 11/03/2008 17:30

he love moterbikes, she loves elvis

OP posts:
LilRedWG · 11/03/2008 17:32

LOL - can't think of anything!!! Nice bottle of champagne maybe. A bit obvious but it'll be nice for them to come home to after the wedding/honeymoon, especially if you offer to make sure it's chilled for them.

Califrau · 11/03/2008 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
milkgoddess · 11/03/2008 17:37

lol me either, except elvis on a bike! but i doubt that would go down too well, champagne is always a winner though

OP posts:
cosima · 11/03/2008 17:41

they invited you and you are free to accept or decline as you wish, just as they were free to invite you or not as they wished. just decline, don't need to impose your values on them and make them feel they have wronged you. Everyone can do what they want to make themselves happy, no?

Original poster
milkgoddess · 11/03/2008 17:44

ive already explained what im going to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
milkgoddess · 11/03/2008 17:50

a said this on page 1.
By milkgoddess on Mon 10-Mar-08 16:31:07

i think it would perhaps be best just to simply say, we are not coming as we don't want to leave dd, but congratulations have a great day.

nothing arsey about that is there?or imposing my values on them ?

OP posts:
tegan · 11/03/2008 17:59

We have this situation all the time and all our friends and family know that if the dc aren't invited we won't go.

I have had this with my cousins wedding in June. They asked me if dh and i would like to go to the wedding but it is adults only, we refused but said we would be waiting outside the church to wish them well and that was fine with her and her dp.

MotherFunk · 12/03/2008 15:07

Message withdrawn

bergentulip · 12/03/2008 15:21

Generally, weddings are supposed to be a 'family event', and I think it slightly odd when people specify that children are not allowed..... usually people without any!

And, yes, like IndigoMoon pointed out, the best childcare usually for daytime-turning into nighttime, going through bedtime routine etc.... IS one of your own parents, or more than likely someone you trust who will also be at said wedding - therefore either one of you goes, or neither.

My cousin had a 'no kids' wedding, and my DH did not go in the end. In fact, he was so offended and thought it so peculiar that he was quite happy not to go.
It was also on Friday, so also expecting people to take the day off work,..... all rather selfish and self-centred if you ask me.

What is the reason anyway? Most parents would willingly take a noisy infant out of a church in the middle of a ceremony, or speeches, or anything requiring a bit of quiet, and by the time people are enjoying a bit of latenight dancing and indluging in drink, the kids have been taken back to bed, and these awful, selfish parents have left with them....

--- hhmmm.... seems I feel quite strongly about this! Oops.