Caused a major fallout with inlaws

[WomanManChildDogCat]

Buckle up, it’s a long one…
Every year DH and I host his parents for Christmas Day. We have done for 10+ yrs. Sometimes BIL has also come but not since he got with his partner 4yrs ago (SIL). This year BIL and SIL offered to host PIL for Christmas. Great, no problem. In fact I wanted to go to my parents in another country so works out perfectly.
They are also hosting their adult daughter and her partner and SIL’s parents.
BIL and SIL usually come to us for a weekend in November or December. We all live hours apart so don’t see much of each other through the year.
So this year, we were invited to go to theirs for a weekend, last weekend.
We went and had a lovely weekend. Mostly.
On arrival I noted that they had changed their bathroom since we were last there a few months ago. They explained that they had had drainage problems so had moved the toilet and outlet pipe. I asked had that sorted the problem and SIL said “Yes we hope so. The smell was dreadful so unless we’ve just gotten used to it, we think the problem is sorted”.
They have one bathroom and a separate toilet downstairs. Our room was next to the bathroom upstairs and on the first night we noticed an awful smell. The bathroom stank, like really public urinals stank. When I went to the toilet I held my breath, it was disgusting. There was no air freshener and no mention from BIL or SIL about the smell.
I said to DH that we should say something, let them know as they must be noseblind to it. He said absolutely not, do not mention it.
Anyway the smell remained and it was so gross that even having a shower in the same room did not dispel it.
On the second night, we were all a bit tipsy and while DH and BIL were in the garden with the dog I said to SIL, really kindly, that I thought maybe their pipes still needed looking at as there was a bit of a whiff in the bathroom. I thought if it was me I’d want to know, especially if I was hosting guests soon. She took it well, seemed a bit surprised and said they would get the plumbers back. She thanked me for mentioning it. We enjoyed the rest of the evening and the next morning went out for a lovely breakfast all together and then we left with lovely goodbyes and see you soons.
We had not even got home when SIL posted on the family Christmas WhatsApp chat “Well, we’re no longer hosting Christmas as apparently our house stinks of piss. Perhaps Womanman will host in their perfect house”.
I was gobsmacked. DH was livid “ I asked you not to say anything”. Before I could respond I was removed from the group chat and SIL not answering my calls. I have messaged to apologise for any offence caused etc but no response.
DH family are furious. They love a bit of drama but I honestly did not think SIL was like that.
Now there is a whole WhatsApp drama going on and I can’t believe I am the cause - I am so not confrontational, I hate it.
I don’t really know what to do.
DH wants nothing to do with it and just keeps saying “I told you not to mention it”.

This. I would want to know.

Just regarding paragraphs.
Indent OR a line. You do not need both.

You haven't done anything wrong, OP. They even said they might be 'used to' the smell so not clocking it anymore (which is probably utter bollocks, btw. They knew). They are using it as an excuse not to host as SIL probably doesn't want to put in the effort time and money-wise.

Refuse to host. You've made plans. Go see your own family. And refuse to host this vile lot going forward every year. At best offer to do every 3rd year, as your husband has at least 2 siblings who can do their share of hosting/visiting, too.

And don't apologise anymore. You haven't done anything wrong.

My guess is that, for whatever reason, she’s already resentful of you. Your DH possibly knows this which is why he said “say nothing”.

So fuck them.

Also - realistically your PiL could have just said “don’t be silly SiL we can just hold
our nose for a day, so we are still on for coming.

The SIL is embarrassed that you mentioned it publicly, I would have been a little bit upset but not gone this far. I would have seethed a bit. You showed her up OP. She might know or maybe not, but some plumbing issues are hard to tackle without major work.

btw my dm has one bathroom that has a problem with it, it has a low flush, the plumbers have been out over the years many times but it would take the wall and floor being removed to get to the pipes etc and it is a lot of work for something that can be covered up with a bit of loo block and airfreshmer more or less, but not ideal. Dm is cleanest person I know, she has a cleaner and the home is pristine, and it would be rude for someone to mention it that was not me, eg. an in-law or other guest.

Your SIL needs to clean it and check with contractors and maybe add more freshner in there, and apart from that, there may not be anything she can do unless she wants the bathroom re-modelled.

Honestly I’d have put up with it cos DH asked me to and it’s his family. But OP 100% understand why you wanted to say something.

Oh behave.

She did what she thought was the right and kind thing to do.

OP, you did NOTHING WRONG.

Tell them that you'll be ready to talk when they've all grown up a bit. FFS.

My husband and I can just share a "noooo" look and we know instantly that topic is sensitive and to steer away.

They are being awful. It’s not your fault and you can’t solve it. It’s hard to hold on to that but it’s absolutely true.

Enjoy your Christmas with your parents and let them sort their own emotions out.

Your husband should be supporting you - it’s not your fault his sister is behaving like this. It’s not his fault either but he’s wrong to blame you and take it out on you when he should absolutely be standing up for you and letting his family know they’re being ridiculous.

Your husband should be supporting you

After the OP went out of her way to upset his family by mentioning something he'd specifically asked her not to? No he shouldn't, he should be justifiably pissed off with her.

Your husband should be supporting you - it’s not your fault his sister is behaving like this. It’s not his fault either but he’s wrong to blame you and take it out on you when he should absolutely be standing up for you and letting his family know they’re being ridiculous.

Nope, the husband should not be supporting the op because she couldn't control her drink and ran her mouth. Hope DH enjoys christmas with his parents.

Interestingly, very few people agree with you.

Your dh isn't your keeper to keep you shtum.. And now you can take your Airbnb sign down since you are now guest free forever!! Leave them to their piss infused lives...

YABU as you shouldn’t have said anything. Your DH must have known the drama that would unfold and hey presto, he was right.

However, I do think that SIL has been totally OTT with the drama, cancelling Christmas!

In time someone from the family might realise that you meant well in telling SIL, until then leave them to it and think of this as a lesson learned.

I actually really don't care if other people agree with me or not. You may care, but I don't. It's something you may find interesting, but I don't.

It sounds like OP's husband knew his family would react in a toxic manner and has been trying to keep a lid on it as he knew OP wouldn't want to host the ungrateful, vile lot anymore going forward.

I'd consider it my 'I'm done hosting forever' card if I was OP.

No way would I be spending the time, money effort for this lot.

Apologize to your husband for not following his advice, I think that's needed to keep him on side and explain that you only did as she specifically mentioned wondering if she couldn't smell it and you were trying to help. I would also send an apology for causing offence in an email to the SIL and any other family members that were in that WhatsApp.

Then leave it- it's then on her to accept your apology and move on, if she doesn't then the fallout is on her shoulders. I don't care about her but I would care about my husband in this scenario

There's plenty of paragraphs?

It was rude to mention it, particularly when your DH asked you not to. It seems like you just wanted to use it as a stick to beat your SIL with. Guests don't generally criticise a home. You'll have to apologise a lot and see if that works.

Agree, it is a sore point for them.

@WomanManChildDogCat , you mentioned that they love a bit of drama. To be honest, if they're anything like my family, they are probably loving that you made a comment that they could be offended by. It will give them something to talk about for some time! Perhaps this is why your DH told you not to say anything? He's probably used to their ways.

I doubt there is anything you can say to put it right, and I would just step back until it dies down.... or they find something else to be offended by.

Is it rude though when they specifically brought it up, had evidently spent money on getting it fixed, hoped it didn't smell any more but it did? I would want to know.

You've done nothing wrong, even though your DH told you not to mention it, he's not your boss and you were trying to be kind for theirs sake and for the PIL when they go to stay. If stinks that badly there must be a blockage and that can become a health hazard not to mention the possible damage it can do to the house when it does eventually break free so to speak, that would be even worse and much more costly for them.
Ranting on about not hosting Christmas now means they obviously no intention of getting it fixed, so they're just going to let the stench seep on through getting steadily worse. Maybe they can't afford a plumber right now, but that's on them - to try and turn it around and bully you with a problem that is theirs & theirs alone is despicable behaviour ! Hold your head high, stand your ground and never host them again, you've done nothing wrong!