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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I unreasonable?

109 replies

Floating101 · 03/11/2023 23:22

Had dinner out with a friend this evening. Partner offered to give me a lift into town and pick me up afterwards. About 25 minute drive. I left my friend and hadn’t yet messaged partner to ask to be picked up, had to walk right past the bus stop where bus was just pulling in that comes directly past the house. I got on the bus, messaged my partner to say don’t worry about picking me up, bus is right here.

Partner now in a mood, could have had a drink, could have had a bath etc etc. I didn’t know bus was going to be there! Should I really have waited in the cold for 25 minutes rather than just get on the bus? I thought they’d be happy about not having to come out in the cold!
Once again not speaking 😩

OP posts:
TheOneWhereWeDontGiveAPhuck · 03/11/2023 23:50

Once again not speaking? I think you have bigger issues than a bus!

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 03/11/2023 23:51

It is a bit unfair on them that they had to wait around and then not be needed

Why didn't you message before leaving your friend? Why were you already walking back?

Not talking is a bit ridiculous though

almondseagull · 04/11/2023 00:03

YABU purely for your thread title

Hermittrismegistus · 04/11/2023 02:39

It's Friday night. I'd be pissed off if I'd have waited, sober, to collect you and you just decided I wasn't needed.

dothehokeycokey · 04/11/2023 02:59

This happened to me twice with dh and after that I said I'm not on lift duty again because I can't get In my comfies and eat and chill if im waiting for a call

Inconsiderate op

ABCXYZ17 · 04/11/2023 03:03

YABU. You should have sent a message 25 minutes before you were leaving to say that you were ready to be picked up. That way you would not have had to stand in the cold for 25 minutes. You’ve been inconsiderate.

Hearmenow23 · 04/11/2023 03:13

You did nothing wrong! I'd have been pleased not to have to drive for 50 minutes! People are really weird about not having a drink. It was your turn to have a night out- big deal!

yellowsmileyface · 04/11/2023 07:43

TheOneWhereWeDontGiveAPhuck · 03/11/2023 23:50

Once again not speaking? I think you have bigger issues than a bus!

This. I could understand being mildly miffed about waiting around all night and then not be needed, but to be "not speaking" now is a massive overreaction on his part.

If he has form for giving you the silent treatment, that's not okay.

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 04/11/2023 07:45

I’d have been annoyed too if I was him but the rest of your post indicates bigger issues

Busephalus · 04/11/2023 07:49

If he offered then I can't see the issue

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 04/11/2023 07:52

@Hearmenow23 It’s not just that, it’s the fact that you can’t just relax, get a bath and go to bed early or watch a film without thinking ‘am I going to get to see the end of it’ to they find that actually you could have done all those things. Really frustrating and irritating.

Sirzy · 04/11/2023 08:00

I can see why he is annoyed. Taking this as a stand alone event YABU.

I find it odd you wandered off into the cold rather than letting him know and waiting inside.

TheOneWhereWeDontGiveAPhuck · 04/11/2023 08:07

To the people posting saying they'd be annoyed. Could you explain why you'd be annoyed that you were now not needed? I understand you'd have waited around thinking you were giving a lift, but to be annoyed because you now don't need to give that lift seems really odd. So now you could get your drink a good hour earlier than you would have because you now don't need to go out. OP was actually being helpful by just jumping the bus, I dont understand why anyone would see that in a different way.

windypumpkin · 04/11/2023 08:09

How regular is the bus? Could you have got the bus anyway?

Createausername1970 · 04/11/2023 08:11

I would be annoyed too, nothing to do with alcohol. If my DH wanted a lift but we hadn't agreed a time in advance, then I can't completely relax, I can watch TV or a film, but not fully into it, in case I miss the phonecall.

Also, why did you not call your DP when the puds arrived? Or at some point when the evening was winding up? To go out into the cold and dark (and, depending on where you live, possibly wind and rain) and start walking before you phone, knowing it's going to take 30 mins before your lift arrives is madness.

Maybe him not talking to you is him being ridiculous, or maybe this is typical behaviour from you and he finds it frustrating?

Sirzy · 04/11/2023 08:13

TheOneWhereWeDontGiveAPhuck · 04/11/2023 08:07

To the people posting saying they'd be annoyed. Could you explain why you'd be annoyed that you were now not needed? I understand you'd have waited around thinking you were giving a lift, but to be annoyed because you now don't need to give that lift seems really odd. So now you could get your drink a good hour earlier than you would have because you now don't need to go out. OP was actually being helpful by just jumping the bus, I dont understand why anyone would see that in a different way.

To me it just screams of a lack of respect for him and his time.

Knackeredandalsotired · 04/11/2023 08:16

I don’t see the issue - I’d have been grateful you hopped on the bus!

I get that he couldn’t drink (is that really such a biggie?) but you can still get into pjs and watch a film. I’ve often driven to pick up DH in pjs and also paused a film and resumed when I got home

But it does sound like it’s not really about the lift, given the comment about not speaking again…

fourelementary · 04/11/2023 08:20

You’re both a bit unreasonable. Offering to be on pick up does kind of mean putting your plans on hold… like a Friday beer or a nice bath…

and

if it’s a 25 minute drive why on earth had you left the restaurant anyway? Surely you’d have messaged him and stayed the half hour before getting collected?

But he’s being unreasonable to not speak to you over this- he should have said he was annoyed you’d been thoughtless and dressed it up as “I thought you’d be relieved” as if you did him a favour.

NoraLuka · 04/11/2023 08:21

This used to happen all the time with DP. He’d be out, I’d be supposed to pick him up without a specific time, then at the last minute (often around midnight or 1 AM) he’d message and say a mate was bringing him home. He could never understand why it was a pain in the arse to stay up for nothing. I never stopped speaking to him but did refuse to pick him up for a while.

TheOneWhereWeDontGiveAPhuck · 04/11/2023 08:24

Sirzy · 04/11/2023 08:13

To me it just screams of a lack of respect for him and his time.

Show quote history

A lack of respect? Seriously? To me it sounds more respectful because OP has thought oh there's the bus it will save Jimmy having to drive an hour round trip I'll jump on it.....why is it respectful to say no I will refuse to get on that bus because I must respect that my DH said he will get me so I will call him now and he can leave the house?

Ameanstreakamilewide · 04/11/2023 08:25

Floating101 · 03/11/2023 23:22

Had dinner out with a friend this evening. Partner offered to give me a lift into town and pick me up afterwards. About 25 minute drive. I left my friend and hadn’t yet messaged partner to ask to be picked up, had to walk right past the bus stop where bus was just pulling in that comes directly past the house. I got on the bus, messaged my partner to say don’t worry about picking me up, bus is right here.

Partner now in a mood, could have had a drink, could have had a bath etc etc. I didn’t know bus was going to be there! Should I really have waited in the cold for 25 minutes rather than just get on the bus? I thought they’d be happy about not having to come out in the cold!
Once again not speaking 😩

Surely you can tell when the meal is concluding?

You finish your pudding, have a coffee and pay the bill. That's about 25 minutes, or thereabouts.
Why didn't you call him when you were eating your pudding?

margotrose · 04/11/2023 08:46

I can see why he's annoyed. He planned his evening around collecting you and then at the last minute, you decided he wasn't needed after all.

Just plan to get the bus home in future then he can do whatever he likes without having to wait around to give you a lift.

shivbo2014 · 04/11/2023 08:49

I'm so confused about how people are saying yabu. Either way, the partner would be waiting round as he was expecting to pick her up, but surely he'd rather not have to! If she had rang as the bus pulled in and said shall I jump on saving you the bother would he really have said no ill come and get you? It was just a stroke of luck. The bus was passing, and she took the opportunity, I think he's being weird. Obviously, there are other issues. My partner would think absolutely nothing of this. He'd have just been pleased he didn't end up having to drive for an hour.

QueenOfTheLabyrinth · 04/11/2023 08:52

I’d be annoyed as to me it comes across like OP always had it at the back of her mind to get the bus so deliberately set out to waste her DP’s time.

OP has spun a nice story about how she “just happened” to get on the bus but to me it doesn’t make sense. She knew her DP was waiting to pick her up & it would take 25 minutes to get to her so the logical thing to do would be to message towards the end of the meal as it’s winding down but she didn’t. She also didn’t message at the end of the meal either, instead she says bye to her friend, walks to the bus stop, gets on the bus (that coincidentally just happens to be there) THEN messages her DP saying don’t worry. She’s using the excuse that she didn’t want to wait in the cold for 25 minutes which is designed to make her DP look unreasonable for expecting her to do that but it’s not something she would have needed to do if she had just messaged earlier.

I’m sorry but it makes no sense to me so if I was her DP, I’d be annoyed too.

Aprilx · 04/11/2023 08:56

I think you were inconsiderate to have him on call all night and then make other arrangements, all you needed to do was call him before you left the restaurant. Or tell him in the first place that you would get the bus and then he could have had a nice evening too.

The not speaking seems over the top though, assuming you apologised for your lack of consideration.