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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I unreasonable?

109 replies

Floating101 · 03/11/2023 23:22

Had dinner out with a friend this evening. Partner offered to give me a lift into town and pick me up afterwards. About 25 minute drive. I left my friend and hadn’t yet messaged partner to ask to be picked up, had to walk right past the bus stop where bus was just pulling in that comes directly past the house. I got on the bus, messaged my partner to say don’t worry about picking me up, bus is right here.

Partner now in a mood, could have had a drink, could have had a bath etc etc. I didn’t know bus was going to be there! Should I really have waited in the cold for 25 minutes rather than just get on the bus? I thought they’d be happy about not having to come out in the cold!
Once again not speaking 😩

OP posts:
Ffsnotaconference · 04/11/2023 10:15

So confused why you hadn’t already text him before your friend left? If it was going to take 25 mins to get there?

shivbo2014 · 04/11/2023 10:15

margotrose · 04/11/2023 10:11

The point people are trying to make is that you left him waiting around for you for nothing. It's not about the fact that he didn't need to come out in the end.

You could have got the bus all along or just text him while you were ordering dessert to ask him to come and get you.

Show quote history

But she didn't know the bus would be there? Surely it's still better she got on the bus as he didn't then have to come out.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 04/11/2023 10:17

OP has very carefully not mentioned a gender in their post but nearly everyone has assumed male....

OP - even with a 10 minute walk to pick up, you STILL could have text before leaving the restaurant. Either text whilst settling the bill (Hi, just paying up and then we'll be leaving, see you there!) or just as you left the restaurant. You don't get your phone out to text for a lift AFTER saying goodbye etc... Then you saw the bus MIGHT be due and held off. In fact you held off until ON the bus. You could have said before that (they'd probably still be annoyed but it's just a point)

PP acting like the drinking part is the ONLY issue and means they'd alcoholic - many people won't even have just one drink before driving, even though they could. It's also a byword for "I couldn't relax and put my feet up". And the one who said put your PJs on then collect them? This is MN, I'm surprised you weren't soundly thrashed for that!

Original poster
Floating101 · 04/11/2023 10:18

Ok I understand - he waited around for nothing - but I hadn’t planned that, it wasn’t my intention. Would I have been better to not get the bus, have him come out to get me when it wasn’t necessary just because he’d been waiting to? Wasting more of his time as well as diesel. I really thought I was doing the most sensible thing!

OP posts:
ButWhatAboutTheBees · 04/11/2023 10:18

shivbo2014 · 04/11/2023 10:15

But she didn't know the bus would be there? Surely it's still better she got on the bus as he didn't then have to come out.

Show quote history

But the bus was clearly an option she was WILLING to take
So she could have said "thanks for dropping me off. I've checked bus times and there's one that I should be able to catch home."
DP might still have decided not to drunk etc in case of a change of plans but it wouldn't be the same.

meganorks · 04/11/2023 10:22

YABU to have not planned pick up. Surely if you left the restaurant without arranging for his to pick you up, you were always getting the bus? And it is annoying to be sitting at home not having a drink as you need to drive only to then not need to drive.

Your DP is BU to not be talking to you though.

Diolchynfawr · 04/11/2023 10:24

Well I will join you in the minority OP! I think YWNBU.
At the point you saw the bus, there were two possible outcomes for your partner:

Outcome 1 (stick to the plan) he put on his coat and begins 50mins of driving.
Outcome 2 (you catch the bus) he can put on his slippers and crack open a beer.

He’s just being unnecessarily grumpy. Obviously the ‘ideal’ situation would have been for you to plan ahead to get the bus all along and he could have had his beer a couple of hours earlier, but seeing as you didn’t, you did the next best thing.

I think his reaction demonstrates his general attitude and deeper problems, I’m afraid.

margotrose · 04/11/2023 10:26

Floating101 · 04/11/2023 10:18

Ok I understand - he waited around for nothing - but I hadn’t planned that, it wasn’t my intention. Would I have been better to not get the bus, have him come out to get me when it wasn’t necessary just because he’d been waiting to? Wasting more of his time as well as diesel. I really thought I was doing the most sensible thing!

But the bus shouldn't even have been an option once you'd arranged for him to collect you Confused

Why not just text from the restaurant to say you'd be done in half an hour so could he come and collect you?

TedMullins · 04/11/2023 10:32

Knackeredandalsotired · 04/11/2023 08:16

I don’t see the issue - I’d have been grateful you hopped on the bus!

I get that he couldn’t drink (is that really such a biggie?) but you can still get into pjs and watch a film. I’ve often driven to pick up DH in pjs and also paused a film and resumed when I got home

But it does sound like it’s not really about the lift, given the comment about not speaking again…

Agree with this. Very weird replies imo. Why couldn’t he have chilled and got comfy at home while he waited? You were saving him a chore, I really don’t see what there is to be annoyed about. If his default when not driving is to be drinking then it sounds like his relationship with alcohol is the issue, not the bus! The only justification I can see for being annoyed is if he specifically cancelled other plans for you or turned down an invitation to do something.

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 04/11/2023 10:35

TheOneWhereWeDontGiveAPhuck · 04/11/2023 09:36

The replies on this post are just bonkers to me. It's literally saved him a job, yes he waited, he was waiting anyway. People are mad.

That’s a really selfish attitude

Sirzy · 04/11/2023 10:37

But what many really don’t get is why you hadn’t sorted being picked up way before the bus being an option at all? It just doesn’t make sense

windypumpkin · 04/11/2023 10:39

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 04/11/2023 10:18

But the bus was clearly an option she was WILLING to take
So she could have said "thanks for dropping me off. I've checked bus times and there's one that I should be able to catch home."
DP might still have decided not to drunk etc in case of a change of plans but it wouldn't be the same.

Show quote history

Exactly! If the bus was an option she felt OK with why bother getting DH to wait up

10HailMarys · 04/11/2023 10:40

If you are ‘once again’ not speaking over something this trivial, this relationship sounds deeply dysfunctional.

windypumpkin · 04/11/2023 10:40

Floating101 · 04/11/2023 09:18

Thanks for all the replies.
So I wouldn’t have been picked up directly outside the restaurant - city centre so not easy to drive in. I needed to walk around 10 mins to where I was dropped off to be picked up. Said bye to friend, had phone out to text, then see the bus stop ahead of me that I have to walk right past that has lots of people waiting. Get to bus stop and bus is coming in 2 mins - text DP and say bus is about to come I might as well get on it. It arrives, I get on, then I get texts saying how irritating it is, couldn’t drink, couldn’t have a bath etc, etc. I said sorry, that I’d just been lucky with timing - they are not that frequent. But then still further texts about how annoying it is. I honestly thought it would have been a relief not to have to come out and get me.

Next time get the bus?

Original poster
Floating101 · 04/11/2023 10:41

Sirzy · 04/11/2023 10:37

But what many really don’t get is why you hadn’t sorted being picked up way before the bus being an option at all? It just doesn’t make sense

In hindsight I see that would have been the ideal. I don’t know really - chatting a lot with my friend, a couple of gins, didn’t really occur at the time. I can see that was definitely my mistake here.

OP posts:
margotrose · 04/11/2023 10:48

Why couldn’t he have chilled and got comfy at home while he waited?

Because he knew he'd have to get ready and go back out in the cold/dark/rain to collect her.

If I knew DH was going to call me at some point to collect him, I wouldn't be able to fully chill out as I'd be constantly waiting for my phone to ring. If he'd told me he was making his own way home, I'd be able to get changed, maybe have a bath or go to bed early knowing I wouldn't be disturbed and made to go back out.

GrumpyOldCrone · 04/11/2023 10:58

This wouldn’t annoy me if I were the partner. I’d be glad I didn’t have to go out after all. My partner almost never gets the bus so I wouldn’t expect it to have occurred to him in advance. I can also understand the thing about not texting from the restaurant if you knew you had a bit of a walk to the pick up point. But even if your partner was annoyed, not speaking to you is a massive overreaction.

BogHag · 04/11/2023 11:03

This is an extreme level of pettiness from him. Nice, normal, good natured people simply don’t get sulky over things like this.

He had agreed to pick you up. At that point he had foregone the option of having a drink etc. That wasn’t on the table any more. If, in fact, he did still want to do those things then he shouldn’t have offered.

The bus arriving when it did was convenient and not predicted by you. Nothing you could have done at that point would have given him back the chance to have a drink. All you could do was make BOTH YOUR LIVES more convenient by getting yourself home quicker and saving him from coming out in the cold.

He’s being a grumpy arse and I’m baffled by the people criticising you for doing a sensible and practical thing that saved both you and him trouble.

TedMullins · 04/11/2023 11:09

margotrose · 04/11/2023 10:48

Why couldn’t he have chilled and got comfy at home while he waited?

Because he knew he'd have to get ready and go back out in the cold/dark/rain to collect her.

If I knew DH was going to call me at some point to collect him, I wouldn't be able to fully chill out as I'd be constantly waiting for my phone to ring. If he'd told me he was making his own way home, I'd be able to get changed, maybe have a bath or go to bed early knowing I wouldn't be disturbed and made to go back out.

You can do all of those things while you wait though. Have a bath, put PJs on, get in bed, then when they call chuck a coat on over your pyjamas and nip out. It seems very inflexible to be sat fully dressed on alert all evening or be so stressed by a change of plan

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 04/11/2023 11:10

I honestly cannot understand half these posts. Why couldn't he have a bath?!? Why couldn't he get in his PJs watch a movie etc, just carry on as normal til you get the call!! If you're going to be aggy about wasting your evening just don't bother offering, whether or not she got the bus is totally irrelevant. If you're not doing those things with good grace just don't do them!

you have a responsibility for your own happiness, if he is choosing to be a martyr that's his choice, he could easily have enjoyed his evening while waiting, or just not offered the lift.

TattyOne · 04/11/2023 11:12

With the amount of attacks on lone women, it's better you got the bus rather than wait. He's being a dingbat with his childish behavior!

Ameanstreakamilewide · 04/11/2023 11:12

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 04/11/2023 11:10

I honestly cannot understand half these posts. Why couldn't he have a bath?!? Why couldn't he get in his PJs watch a movie etc, just carry on as normal til you get the call!! If you're going to be aggy about wasting your evening just don't bother offering, whether or not she got the bus is totally irrelevant. If you're not doing those things with good grace just don't do them!

you have a responsibility for your own happiness, if he is choosing to be a martyr that's his choice, he could easily have enjoyed his evening while waiting, or just not offered the lift.

Probably because he wouldn't be able to truly relax.
I know I wouldn't.
I'd be clock watching too.

GrumpyOldCrone · 04/11/2023 11:15

I agree about not fully relaxing. But I get to relax almost an hour earlier if my partner unexpectedly gets the bus and I don’t need to go out after all. I’d be quite pleased about that.

margotrose · 04/11/2023 11:17

You can do all of those things while you wait though. Have a bath, put PJs on, get in bed, then when they call chuck a coat on over your pyjamas and nip out. It seems very inflexible to be sat fully dressed on alert all evening or be so stressed by a change of plan

It's not about "sitting fully dressed on alert all evening".

It's about knowing that you're going to get a phone call at some point, so you need to stay awake and be "ready" to go out and collect them at any point in the evening.

Yes, I could (and would) just chuck a coat on over my pyjamas, but I wouldn't be able to curl up and relax in bed (and perhaps doze off), or have a nice long bath, because I'd know I'd have to go back out again at some random time.

BogHag · 04/11/2023 11:26

margotrose · 04/11/2023 11:17

You can do all of those things while you wait though. Have a bath, put PJs on, get in bed, then when they call chuck a coat on over your pyjamas and nip out. It seems very inflexible to be sat fully dressed on alert all evening or be so stressed by a change of plan

It's not about "sitting fully dressed on alert all evening".

It's about knowing that you're going to get a phone call at some point, so you need to stay awake and be "ready" to go out and collect them at any point in the evening.

Yes, I could (and would) just chuck a coat on over my pyjamas, but I wouldn't be able to curl up and relax in bed (and perhaps doze off), or have a nice long bath, because I'd know I'd have to go back out again at some random time.

I think if these things are so important to a person that foregoing them for the sake of occasionally doing a nice thing for their partner turns them into a grumpy arsehole then it’s better to simply not offer the favour at all.