Am I unreasonable?

[Floating101]

Had dinner out with a friend this evening. Partner offered to give me a lift into town and pick me up afterwards. About 25 minute drive. I left my friend and hadn’t yet messaged partner to ask to be picked up, had to walk right past the bus stop where bus was just pulling in that comes directly past the house. I got on the bus, messaged my partner to say don’t worry about picking me up, bus is right here.

Partner now in a mood, could have had a drink, could have had a bath etc etc. I didn’t know bus was going to be there! Should I really have waited in the cold for 25 minutes rather than just get on the bus? I thought they’d be happy about not having to come out in the cold!
Once again not speaking 😩

Either way, the partner would be waiting round as he was expecting to pick her up, but surely he'd rather not have to!

I don't mind waiting around if there's a legitimate reason, but I really resent having my time wasted when I could have spent my evening doing something else.

That’s exactly it, waiting around for a reason is fine, being kept on hold in case you’re needed is like being a chauffeur or something, not fine. Not speaking isn’t fine either though.

It’s been explained loads of times, but to summarise; when you are waiting to give someone a lift, you can’t relax, have a bath, put pyjamas on, watch a film, have a drink, go to bed etc because you’re waiting for the call. Fine if you’ve volunteered, but if the person then just gets on a bus anyway, you’ve sat waiting for nothing for ages, by that point it’s too late to do any of those things.

The inconvenience isn’t actually the lift it’s the being on call and the disruption.

Why did you not message from the restaurant? You walked out to the bus stop: when were you going to message if it would take him at least 25 minutes to get to you? Were you going to stand in the cold like a numpty? Don’t get it. It was really inconsiderate to leave him/her hanging then only let them know en route. They could have had a cosy Friday night in.

@NoraLuka has captured the frustration here:
‘This used to happen all the time with DP. He’d be out, I’d be supposed to pick him up without a specific time, then at the last minute (often around midnight or 1 AM) he’d message and say a mate was bringing him home. He could never understand why it was a pain in the arse to stay up for nothing. I never stopped speaking to him but did refuse to pick him up for a while’

I’m wondering whether those who say they wouldn’t be bothered and are making it sound like people are raging alcoholics for saying one of the reasons they’d be annoyed is that they have deliberately not had a drink, have never been on the receiving end of this dynamic.

Thanks for all the replies.
So I wouldn’t have been picked up directly outside the restaurant - city centre so not easy to drive in. I needed to walk around 10 mins to where I was dropped off to be picked up. Said bye to friend, had phone out to text, then see the bus stop ahead of me that I have to walk right past that has lots of people waiting. Get to bus stop and bus is coming in 2 mins - text DP and say bus is about to come I might as well get on it. It arrives, I get on, then I get texts saying how irritating it is, couldn’t drink, couldn’t have a bath etc, etc. I said sorry, that I’d just been lucky with timing - they are not that frequent. But then still further texts about how annoying it is. I honestly thought it would have been a relief not to have to come out and get me.

Because I would have wasted my evening waiting around for absolutely no reason. Presumably if he'd known at say, 7pm that she was getting the bus, he could have had a drink, gone to the pub or arranged to see his own mates instead of waiting home alone.

It's a bit like when you take half a day off to wait at home for the plumber and they don't bother to show up, but instead of messaging you in the morning, they wait until about 5.30 to say they won't make it. It's just a total waste of your time as you could have used the half day to do something far more enjoyable (or you could have worked and not missed out on the pay).

This would also make me feel massively disrespected, like you couldn’t be arsed to time your evening to get home on the bus but we’re happy to leave him on standby in case you happened to get a better option.

For me personally it's because when I'm expecting to do something my mind is in waiting mode. Some people would be able to put it out of their mind and get on with their evening until they got a text, but I'd spend the whole evening waiting for the text and not really being able to do anything. To have that be for no reason would be irritating.

Having said that I don't think OP is being unreasonable for hopping on the bus. I'd be mildly annoyed but I'd understand and get over it.

I think you could have looked into the bus in advance, to be fair.

Yes indeed! I'd think you were mad if you refused to get on a bus going your way and I stead dragged partner out to collect you.

I honestly thought it would have been a relief not to have to come out and get me.

It would have been if you'd looked at the bus times in advance, but as it is, you left him waiting around for you then decided to go with another option at the last minute.

He probably was happy he didn't have to come out, but equally, I suspect he was pretty pissed off that he'd waited around all evening for nothing.

OP is he the type to take the opportunity to create? Does he like an argument and a chance to behave like an arse while blaming you for causing it?
If so, yanbu.

The replies on this post are just bonkers to me. It's literally saved him a job, yes he waited, he was waiting anyway. People are mad.

I am also though someone whose partner would've at home anyway and wouldn't have turned down many options to wait to collect me.

He'd just be playing games -watching Netflix and no huge desire to be having a bath or get into his pyjamas early.

So only thing he'd miss out on is a drink.

Other partners may have more exciting Friday night options though. I'd not expect someone to turn down going out themselves to collect me.

You should have checked the bus timetable beforehand and realised that there was a convenient bus home. He could have enjoyed his evening then.

YANBU.
He would have been waiting around sober, anyway, had you not got on the bus. As agreed, presumably. Also, presumably, you would/do the same for him, when he goes out?
You saved him a journey.

It seems that the real issue, is that he resented staying in, while you went out. And he is now using your managing to catch a bus, as an excuse to voice his underlying resentment.

Hope you had a good night. Don't let him take that from you.

Jeez one night. A single night to be available to do something considerate (and safe) for a supposed loved one. Who then decided NOT to inconvenience him because the bus was at the stop.

Sweet baby cheeses.

You were NOT inconsiderate or unreasonable.

If everyone's life revolves around drinking alcohol then your life is fucked.

You still could have messaged in good time. Frankly, it sounds like you were planning to do this all along and just wanted to waste his evening. Did you apologise to him?

I think you've been entirely reasonable OP. What would he have said if you let the bus leave and waited for him, then mentioned that you could have been on the bus and saved him coming out? Is he looking for things to be offended about?

You still left it late to be contacting him. Why not when you asked for the bill?

I think the problem is that there was actually a straightforward way for you to get home which you demonstrated by jumping on the bus yet you kept him on standby.

It's not mad at all.

He could have had a drink and an early night, he could have gone to see a friend or gone to the pub - instead he waited in for her to text only to find out he wasn't needed after all. It's rude to knowingly leave someone waiting around for you then change your plans last minute.

Thanks all, I’m definitely in the minority then.
I honestly didn’t plan to get the bus as some have suggested. I still don’t really understand how it would have been better not to get on the bus just because of the arrangement - seemed mad and still does to be honest, but I accept I’m being unreasonable

YANBU!!!!

The point people are trying to make is that you left him waiting around for you for nothing. It's not about the fact that he didn't need to come out in the end.

You could have got the bus all along or just text him while you were ordering dessert to ask him to come and get you.