Page 4 | Am I unreasonable?

Floating101 · 2023-11-03T23:22:45+00:00

Had dinner out with a friend this evening. Partner offered to give me a lift into town and pick me up afterwards. About 25 minute drive. I left my friend and hadn’t yet messaged partner to ask to be picked up, had to walk right past the bus stop where bus was just pulling in that comes directly past the house. I got on the bus, messaged my partner to say don’t worry about picking me up, bus is right here. Partner now in a mood, could have had a drink, could have had a bath etc etc. I didn’t know bus was going to be there! Should I really have waited in the cold for 25 minutes rather than just get on the bus? I thought they’d be happy about not having to come out in the cold! Once again not speaking 😩

margotrose · 04/11/2023 11:32

BogHag · 04/11/2023 11:26

I think if these things are so important to a person that foregoing them for the sake of occasionally doing a nice thing for their partner turns them into a grumpy arsehole then it’s better to simply not offer the favour at all.

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I just think there's a difference between forgoing something for a reason, and forgoing something only to be told "well, I'll get a lift you didn't need to sit in and wait around for me after all".

It's just a shitty attitude, really. Like the DP can just sit around and wait for her call, but OP can change her mind last minute regardless.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 04/11/2023 11:40

But @Ameanstreakamilewide he shouldn't have offered if he wasn't ok to do that, especially as OP could get a bus. He has a responsibility not to offer something that will make him feel angry at her, she wasn't to know he'd resent doing something he'd offered. She thought she was saving him a trip, it makes no difference to what he'd done all evening anyway. If she'd seen the bus and thought, no I'll not get on it I'll wait 30 mins in the cold for DH he still would have not had his bath etc (his own choices) and the.man would have come out and driven for 50 mins. He's being illogical.

burnoutbabe · 04/11/2023 11:46

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 04/11/2023 11:40

But @Ameanstreakamilewide he shouldn't have offered if he wasn't ok to do that, especially as OP could get a bus. He has a responsibility not to offer something that will make him feel angry at her, she wasn't to know he'd resent doing something he'd offered. She thought she was saving him a trip, it makes no difference to what he'd done all evening anyway. If she'd seen the bus and thought, no I'll not get on it I'll wait 30 mins in the cold for DH he still would have not had his bath etc (his own choices) and the.man would have come out and driven for 50 mins. He's being illogical.

Exactly

Would he have got equally angry if say friends partner offered both a lift home at last minute? Would he have expected her to say no -I shall wait here in the cold for partner and drag him out on cold night?

Bonkers he is annoyed about it!
Only "wrong thing" is not having checked busses in advance to know one would bring you home and then trying to aim to be at bus stop for that time. (Unless only 1every 2 hours)

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 04/11/2023 11:48

TedMullins · 04/11/2023 11:09

You can do all of those things while you wait though. Have a bath, put PJs on, get in bed, then when they call chuck a coat on over your pyjamas and nip out. It seems very inflexible to be sat fully dressed on alert all evening or be so stressed by a change of plan

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Until they call when you're in the bath and you have to rush
And MN is pretty clear people in PJs shouldn't go outside
And you get in bed, get warm and comfy and then have to get out again... not what most people would do at all

You CAN'T relax properly if you are waiting for someone to call because yes, you are on alert

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 04/11/2023 11:53

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 04/11/2023 11:40

But @Ameanstreakamilewide he shouldn't have offered if he wasn't ok to do that, especially as OP could get a bus. He has a responsibility not to offer something that will make him feel angry at her, she wasn't to know he'd resent doing something he'd offered. She thought she was saving him a trip, it makes no difference to what he'd done all evening anyway. If she'd seen the bus and thought, no I'll not get on it I'll wait 30 mins in the cold for DH he still would have not had his bath etc (his own choices) and the.man would have come out and driven for 50 mins. He's being illogical.

Flipping eck! It’s not the giving the lift which is the issue, it’s the waiting all night only to be told as the last minute that your services aren’t required. It’s incredibly selfish to do that to someone unless you phone them first and say ‘looks like I can get a bus if that would be easier for you’

I’m not sure why people are conflating the two things.

BogHag · 04/11/2023 11:56

margotrose · 04/11/2023 11:32

I just think there's a difference between forgoing something for a reason, and forgoing something only to be told "well, I'll get a lift you didn't need to sit in and wait around for me after all".

It's just a shitty attitude, really. Like the DP can just sit around and wait for her call, but OP can change her mind last minute regardless.

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But how could it possibly have helped the situation for her to insist her partner come and get her regardless? Would it have made things better for him in any way to have to come and get her when she could, as a matter of chance / coincidence have got the bus?

If it’s honestly such a big deal to forego a drink and a bath then why not say so at the outset of the evening and the other person can plan to get the bus regardless? Why offer and then have a ridiculous sulk because things happened to work out differently?

You're either happy to do the favour or you’re not. If you’re not, don’t do it and make a different plan. If you are, don’t be a dick because at the last minute something happens to change the plan in a way which makes it less of a hassle for you.

margotrose · 04/11/2023 11:56

I wonder if there's a divide between people who find it easy to relax regardless, and those who feel on edge if they know they're going to have do something in an hour or so.

Personally, I hate waiting around to do something or to go to an appointment. I find it really hard to relax and would rather have the appointment first thing or straight after work, so I don't have a random amount of "dead time" where you're just waiting around.

margotrose · 04/11/2023 11:59

If it’s honestly such a big deal to forego a drink and a bath then why not say so at the outset of the evening and the other person can plan to get the bus regardless? Why offer and then have a ridiculous sulk because things happened to work out differently?

Because (as has been said multiple times), I don't mind forgoing a bath or a drink to help someone out, but I do mind forgoing those things only to be told (at the last minute) that I'm not actually needed after all.

IMO if someone is kind enough to offer you a lift, the least you can do is respect their time and not mess them around by cancelling at the last minute.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 04/11/2023 12:12

You're not being unreasonable at all OP! You did the right thing. He sounds like a complete moody arse. You've saved him the best part of an hour of driving!

He couldn't have a bath? Ridiculous. He couldn't have a drink? He could have put the phone down and opened a bottle of wine so you could both have a nightcap when you got home. Instead he's sitting sending nasty texts, ruining your night. How often does he ruin your nights out?

He sounds mean and controlling. The bus is the least of your problems.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 04/11/2023 12:18

@margotrose I'd have been annoyed if iI'd gone out to pick up your partner only for them to tell me that they could have got the bus but didn't 🤷🏼‍♀️

margotrose · 04/11/2023 12:42

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 04/11/2023 12:18

@margotrose I'd have been annoyed if iI'd gone out to pick up your partner only for them to tell me that they could have got the bus but didn't 🤷🏼‍♀️

But if that's the case, presumably you would have told your partner to get the bus in the first place rather than offering a lift?

BarneyAteMyHomework · 04/11/2023 12:46

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 04/11/2023 12:18

@margotrose I'd have been annoyed if iI'd gone out to pick up your partner only for them to tell me that they could have got the bus but didn't 🤷🏼‍♀️

Same. I’d see it as an unexpected bonus that I didn’t have to go out in the cold when I’d been expecting to! I think not getting the bus when it was right there and calling for a lift would have been more disrespectful of the partner’s time.

It does sound as though there are bigger issues in the relationship though.

shivbo2014 · 04/11/2023 12:47

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 04/11/2023 10:18

But the bus was clearly an option she was WILLING to take
So she could have said "thanks for dropping me off. I've checked bus times and there's one that I should be able to catch home."
DP might still have decided not to drunk etc in case of a change of plans but it wouldn't be the same.

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But that's neither here nor there. He was willing to give her a lift, and she then thought she'd make life easier by just jumping on the bus. She may have felt unsafe standing round for however long in the cold waiting for the bus, but as it literally passed her while there, she jumped on it. This is mental. My partner would be happy in this circumstance. I saved him coming out. I don't understand why people think she should have missed the bus purposely and inconvenience her partner even more!

margotrose · 04/11/2023 12:50

Again, I think it comes down to how easy people find it to relax knowing they have an appointment or "job" to do in a few hours.

Some people don't care that they'll have to go out again in an hour so are happy to run a bath or settle down with a boxset, whereas others don't want to get in the bath or get changed for bed knowing they'll probably get interrupted in half an hours' time.

If you're the former, it doesn't matter that you're no longer needed because you're relaxed anyway, but if you're the latter, you feel like you've wasted your evening waiting around for nothing.

I suspect neither side will ever understand the other.

shivbo2014 · 04/11/2023 12:59

margotrose · 04/11/2023 12:50

Again, I think it comes down to how easy people find it to relax knowing they have an appointment or "job" to do in a few hours.

Some people don't care that they'll have to go out again in an hour so are happy to run a bath or settle down with a boxset, whereas others don't want to get in the bath or get changed for bed knowing they'll probably get interrupted in half an hours' time.

If you're the former, it doesn't matter that you're no longer needed because you're relaxed anyway, but if you're the latter, you feel like you've wasted your evening waiting around for nothing.

I suspect neither side will ever understand the other.

I don't think it does, I wouldn't be able to fully relax, but it's one evening I've agreed to pick someone up, so I've factored that in. They then didn't need me just by luck, which means I didn't have to go out. I'd still be happy. She didn't do it on purpose. Maybe she didn't want to wait for half an hour for a bus, and then it would be cancelled, or she may feel unsafe. I know my partner would rather he collect me than me having to wait for a bus at night.

TheOneWhereWeDontGiveAPhuck · 04/11/2023 13:06

Floating101 · 04/11/2023 10:09

Thanks all, I’m definitely in the minority then.
I honestly didn’t plan to get the bus as some have suggested. I still don’t really understand how it would have been better not to get on the bus just because of the arrangement - seemed mad and still does to be honest, but I accept I’m being unreasonable

You are most definitely not being unreasonable. There is nothing wrong with what you done. Unfortunate that he waited around and it was for nothing, but you simply jumped a bus to save him the hassle as the bus was right there and saved him a round trip. You thought of him in that moment, not you. How did it benefit you? It didn't, it benefited him not having to do the round trip.

If my DH was in a mood over that I'd be blown away. He would be grateful he never had to do the trip in the end! So would I. So would anyone I know. I dont know a soul who would be uptight over this situation.

TheOneWhereWeDontGiveAPhuck · 04/11/2023 13:07

shivbo2014 · 04/11/2023 12:47

But that's neither here nor there. He was willing to give her a lift, and she then thought she'd make life easier by just jumping on the bus. She may have felt unsafe standing round for however long in the cold waiting for the bus, but as it literally passed her while there, she jumped on it. This is mental. My partner would be happy in this circumstance. I saved him coming out. I don't understand why people think she should have missed the bus purposely and inconvenience her partner even more!

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Wild isn't it. MNers sometimes baffle the hell out of me.

Cas112 · 04/11/2023 13:08

Hermittrismegistus · 04/11/2023 02:39

It's Friday night. I'd be pissed off if I'd have waited, sober, to collect you and you just decided I wasn't needed.

This

wildwestpioneer · 04/11/2023 13:10

I don't think it shows a lack of respect for him or his time, if anything else it shows respect for him and not making him come out when you saw an alternative that meant he didn't have to come out. Nothing stopping him having a beer with the hour she's saved him, he could have had a bath earlier, not to mention petrol etc.

margotrose · 04/11/2023 13:13

shivbo2014 · 04/11/2023 12:59

I don't think it does, I wouldn't be able to fully relax, but it's one evening I've agreed to pick someone up, so I've factored that in. They then didn't need me just by luck, which means I didn't have to go out. I'd still be happy. She didn't do it on purpose. Maybe she didn't want to wait for half an hour for a bus, and then it would be cancelled, or she may feel unsafe. I know my partner would rather he collect me than me having to wait for a bus at night.

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I think you can be happy you weren't needed but also annoyed that you wasted your evening waiting around for nothing.

I disagree that she didn't do it on purpose too - it may not have been planned but she knew her partner was waiting for her to finish so she could have messaged from the restaurant to say she needed a lift in half an hour.

As it is, she left her friend but still hadn't arranged her lift home

SpongeBob2022 · 04/11/2023 13:13

I don't understand those saying yabu. The alternative post would be:

'I was trying to get home last night and came across a convenient bus. Instead of getting on it, I decided to let it drive past me and call my partner to drive a 50 minute round trip to come and get me instead'.

He is being ridiculous and if he didn't want to do it he shouldn't have offered. It's a valid point to say it's hard to relax but not at all relevant to the point of this actual post so I don't know why people are saying that.

Communication isn't great though and I think that's partly on you. It's a long drive when there appears to be an adequate bus service, so in all honesty I don't know why you both agreed on this. And also I'd expect an approximate time and an update near the end of the evening etc. I feel like the whole scenario was less than ideal for either of you and could have been better planned out.

Pinkelephant66 · 04/11/2023 13:20

Hearmenow23 · 04/11/2023 03:13

You did nothing wrong! I'd have been pleased not to have to drive for 50 minutes! People are really weird about not having a drink. It was your turn to have a night out- big deal!

100% agree with this! It’s literally one night

Original poster

Floating101 · 04/11/2023 13:45

He is still saying I’m inconsiderate today for getting on the bus - I see it as the opposite! We’ll never agree.
Thanks for all the replies. Seems to have split people’s opinions.
I shall be bussing in future :)

OP posts:

windypumpkin · 04/11/2023 14:17

Floating101 · 04/11/2023 13:45

He is still saying I’m inconsiderate today for getting on the bus - I see it as the opposite! We’ll never agree.
Thanks for all the replies. Seems to have split people’s opinions.
I shall be bussing in future :)

If I were him I wouldn't even offer now I know the bus is an option

Daleksatemyshed · 04/11/2023 14:37

If you made a habit of doing this I'd understand his annoyance but as a one off, no he's making too much of it. I'm taken aback by some of the replies, when I've seen loads of posts on here where DH/DPs who go out ask for a lift home then get drunk, don't answer their phone and get home next morning, yet the posters are told they're being controlling if they complain.