To need a break from life?

[Username9020]

Parent to 2 U11. DH works school hours, I work full time, compressed to 4 days. I WFH almost 100% and have care responsibilities for an elderly relative on the 5th day.

My job is often stressful but is well paid & flexible enough. Golden handcuff style.

I carry the majority of the family mental load and between work, caring, household admin, kid admin & kids hobbies, I'm at breaking point.

I've spoken to DH previously and he has promised to do more to support, but we quickly slip back into the norm & I end up on the edge again. I know he cares about me.

Kids main hobby happens 6x weekly and requires very early starts. Some additional sessions are held (think competitions/exams). Husband does not usually do the early morning as he physically has to go into work and needs to be fresh. He also facilitates a hobby as coach 2x weekend + 1x weeknight so me doing the 6x hobby is intended to create balance.

During a discussion yesterday when I suggested giving up their favourite hobby to give myself a break, my eldest was angry and said that in deciding to have children, I signed up to this responsibility and it's unfair to withdraw now. I feel guilty for suggesting they give up something they love but removing the arranging of kit, waking of children, transportation to&from & spectating from my load would give me breathing space. Yes, they could do some of these things themselves but realistically, they don't.

Everything is getting too much for me. I feel as though I'm doing a bad job at work & at home and I'm struggling with the urge to walk away from everything, despite loving my family greatly.

This situation is nothing unusual, I know hundreds of parents will relate and this is causing me to feel a greater failure.

AIBU to feel like I need a break? Should I remove myself from the situation for a week or so, or just accept that this is how everyone feels & get over myself?

Your DH is the problem here. Why is he so precious that he can't possibly get up at 5am once or twice a week to do his fair share of the hobby run? Just because he has to be 'physically' at work, doesn't mean that you don't also need to be fresh and well rested. It sounds like your job is pretty stressful so it's not like you're sitting chilling at home all day whilst he's at work, you are working too, after being up at 5am, then spending your day off caring for a relative which I'm itself takes a massive emotional toll.

You say your DH works school hours, so assuming the school hours are in an actually school - he also gets an extraordinary amount of annual leave. Granted, I can also assume he covers the childcare during half terms - bit it's not like your kids are very young and need constant attention, so I'm sure he gets plenty of chance to rest.

You on the other hand are running yourself ragged.

You would absolutely not be being unreasonable to take yourself off somewhere for a few days or a week. It sounds like it is essential to your mental health. What I do wonder though, is how would everybody cope if you did this? I'd imagine they would juggle round one way or another and be just fine - so if they are fine for that week taking on all your responsibilities, then surely, they would be fine all sharing a bit more of the tasks with you day to day long term?

This.

Yes, they could do some of these things themselves but realistically, they don't

At the very least, the kids need to know them continuing hobbies is contingent on them organizing their own arses. If they don’t, they don’t go.

I have made absolutely sure there is time for my own life. Me, H and kids have our own hobbies. You are not teaching your kids a good lesson to think you don’t matter. I clearly articulate to my kids that I matter too and I expect gratitude and recognition for what I do. I was an ungrateful brat to my own mum and I’m ashamed of it. I refuse to bring up my kids to be so entitled.

Something has to give and it has to be the luxuries, not you.

Your kids need to learn about accommodating and caring for others.

Great points.

OP I’m exhausted just reading this, you must be running on fumes. You are not remotely unreasonable for wanting to get some time back for yourself. Your DH and DCs need to hear you and step up more themselves, or you might be heading towards burnout - and then you will really have no choice but to stop, your body will choose for you.

Op, could you afford to take some unpaid parental leave? There would be no stigma of being signed off sick etc. You have to take it in week long blocks, and give 21 days notice in writing. If you could afford it you could get some breathing space. Or actually be signed off if you think you need it. What you're going through out of work as a carer is very stressful.

All those ‘I should’ beliefs are a roadmap to martyrdom.
I’d actually be telling you to go for some individual counselling on the basis of wanting you to work out what are your own wants, wishes, beliefs, ambitions for your own life. You don’t seem to be able to hold the idea that change needs to happen here. Not just kids pack their own bags kinda change. That change would be ok and necessary even if it meant Mr Physically Fresh had to step away from volunteering or pick up some morning runs. Your plans are all around temporary respite to keep on shouldering an insane load. You’ll find yourself in the same place in 6 months, possibly even more ground down.

What template are you working from when you think of the role of Mum/wife/daughter/employee?

Thanks for all of your responses, they've been really helpful.

I'm hearing that I'm not unreasonable for needing some time out, but also that respite will only help short term and I need to consider rebalancing to prevent burnout or breakdown.

I'm going to take a few days away from both work and home. I'm also going to book a day off each month for the next 3 months to spend on myself, unapologetically.

I've set up Alexa routines for all the things I usually nag DC to do (I'm going to get sick of Alexa's voice) and DC will be taking responsibility for getting themselves & their kit ready for their hobby.

DH will be responsible for enforcing DC's preparations & we will also share the early morning hobby runs. DC will continue their hobby for as long as they are prepared to commit themselves to the routine.

DH coaching will continue as just as it's unfair to remove a hobby from my own DC because of my inability to juggle life, the same applies to him and his team. Quitting would impact ~60 children in our community, who are also important.

Care will continue because giving other family members respite and supporting this relative in what will very likely now be her final months is important to me and to her.

I found it interesting that the focus was not on quitting the stressful job to allow me to focus on raising my family as when I discuss with friends & family IRL, this is often the top suggestion. Perhaps this is the way that the post was worded, the mindset of those replying, or the fact that those who know myself and my family know that the DH&DC are generally great and not the cause of the lions share of stress. Either way, it was really helpful to get a different perspective.

The hunt for an excellent, do it all cleaner continues.

Every few months I have a night away see an event do some museum stuff. I'm also big into Star Trek and attend one four day con a year.
All by myself and I meet my trek friends.

I love it and it allows me time to relax
I recommend it

How old is oldest child. Could they make their own way there?
You need some time off. Your heading for burn out and dh needs a rocket up his arse.
I sometimes fantasise about going to prison or getting sectioned to have a break and have my meals made for me. Although this is extreme.

I think it was unfair to drop this bombshell on a child and expect them to respond positively. I don't think they're as rude as other posters are saying but responding in shock to their mum just announcing she was going to completely stop their hobby because its too difficult for her.

That sounds like a good plan.

With respect to the hobby, I know quite a few sports parents.

As their children get older they do very much move the focus for getting organised for their training sessions into them.

One lives close to the pool and her son who is now in year 7 takes himself at the times when he is safe to do so.

Others get their children to prep and wash their kit.

I have heard them say - if my dd isn't up an ready to go for the session then I'm not going to get up early to support them( this is teens).

If the hobby means a lot to your kids then they should be prepared to get involved with the preparation etc it needs.

Hi there - I have 2 swimmers too and I know how brutal it is. Mine are a bit older than yours and I’m horrified by your schedule - this is beyond crazy for a 9 year old and pretty mad for an 11. My eldest just missed nationals this year and has never swum more than 4x a week, and even that was brutal.

i have an absolute rule that they sort their own stuff. No question, no negotiation.

I would cut out two early sessions tbh. They will do just as well and you’ll all be happier.

Those early mornings are too much for an under 11 yr to swim and I say that as an ex-swimmer and parent of a swimmer. Realistically DH coaching hobby does need to take a back seat. Other people can step up here and again if swimming then I know exactly how it works but his own family takes priority.

Agree with everything here.

Your dc need to know you matter as much as they do. Otherwise what are you teaching them about relationships? Children's wants do not come before their parents needs. You sound like you're on the verge of burnout. You will make yourself ill.

'DH coaching will continue as just as it's unfair to remove a hobby from my own DC because of my inability to juggle life, the same applies to him and his team. Quitting would impact ~60 children in our community, who are also important.'

You wrote this in one of your posts. Read that back, you are putting the wants of about 60 children ahead of your own needs as an individual and as a family. Your family need you to be well.

Agree with glitter can the parents of these other 60 randoms benefitting from your Dh time not step up?

These sound like positive steps to me, OP, well done.

I, like other posters, maintain my scepticism about the wisdom of prioritising the coaching above what may be better for your family's well-being but you'll know best how much slack you've created for yourself with the measures you've already implemented and I have my fingers crossed for you! At least you know that's another (completely legitimate) option if needs be. If, as you say, your relative really only does have a few months left then, very sadly, a good lot of the time problems will resolve themselves shortly so I can see your reasoning for holding out a bit longer with the coaching in those circumstances anyway.

I think the reason I didn't mention the job was that I took it for granted from what you said that you are the breadwinner and need the money as a family to survive or maintain a standard of living that you all want long-term. I would certainly be ditching the weekend volunteer coaching favour to the community before throwing in the towel on my family's long-term financial security if so! I feel that would be taking even more away from your own children to give to other people's which wouldn't sit right with me.

The last thing I'd say to watch out for is that people who almost pathologically fail to prioritise themselves and people-please (including myself at times) can also start to see their family as an extension of themselves and develop something of the same attitude where they're concerned and end up thinking it's OK to sacrifice their well-being than the comfort or convenience of the wider community. Not saying that's what you're doing but in my personal experience it's one to watch.

All the best!

I'm going to be honest;I think the 5am swim sessions are abit much for your kids followed by a full day at school;they must be exhausted;it's really not sustainable when they get to secondary school;unless their training to be future Olympic athletes then something needs to give.

I want to tell you that I feel sick and stressed just reading your posts, OP. I'm not surprised you need a break.
Your last post stating how you are going to change things shows you are still not intending to prioritise your own well being.
Take notice of the people telling you that your children do not need to train that often, even if they are swimming competitively.
Take notice of the people telling you that DH's hobby/coaching sessions are a luxury your family cannot afford right now. One session a week might be manageable but you are telling us he does it 3 times a week, to the detriment of your mental health. Or use the time when he is out ( presumably with both the DC?) to chill rather than than do chores.
Keep looking for a cleaner, and for someone to manage the after school sessions, in fact I don't understand how you have done it all when working compressed weeks, doesn't that mean you are working 10 hours a day? So 8-630 if you are having any sort of lunch break? But you are probably also doing school runs, so that's at least another 30 mins ? out morning and afternoon, so actually you probably finish at 730 if you doing the amount of hours your job requires? No wonder you are stressed.

It's remarkable how many people ask women to give up busy and stressful jobs but never ask that of men.
Men in busy and stressful jobs are rarely carrying mental load. That's why they cope.
You need to redistribute mental load first before considering that option

I cared for my mother when she had what turned out to be a very short illness. Thankfully dh stepped up to allow me to do this because none of us knew at that point that we would lose her so quickly from something else entirely. I could not forgive myself if I had sacrificed my dm’s care for a child’s hobby.

Mental loads examples
Remember child A PE Kit
Child B needs to go to the dentist
Childcare needs paying
Online shopping needs doing
It's a dress up day
Need present for birthday party
Club needs sorting

And on and on and on