To need a break from life?

[Username9020]

Parent to 2 U11. DH works school hours, I work full time, compressed to 4 days. I WFH almost 100% and have care responsibilities for an elderly relative on the 5th day.

My job is often stressful but is well paid & flexible enough. Golden handcuff style.

I carry the majority of the family mental load and between work, caring, household admin, kid admin & kids hobbies, I'm at breaking point.

I've spoken to DH previously and he has promised to do more to support, but we quickly slip back into the norm & I end up on the edge again. I know he cares about me.

Kids main hobby happens 6x weekly and requires very early starts. Some additional sessions are held (think competitions/exams). Husband does not usually do the early morning as he physically has to go into work and needs to be fresh. He also facilitates a hobby as coach 2x weekend + 1x weeknight so me doing the 6x hobby is intended to create balance.

During a discussion yesterday when I suggested giving up their favourite hobby to give myself a break, my eldest was angry and said that in deciding to have children, I signed up to this responsibility and it's unfair to withdraw now. I feel guilty for suggesting they give up something they love but removing the arranging of kit, waking of children, transportation to&from & spectating from my load would give me breathing space. Yes, they could do some of these things themselves but realistically, they don't.

Everything is getting too much for me. I feel as though I'm doing a bad job at work & at home and I'm struggling with the urge to walk away from everything, despite loving my family greatly.

This situation is nothing unusual, I know hundreds of parents will relate and this is causing me to feel a greater failure.

AIBU to feel like I need a break? Should I remove myself from the situation for a week or so, or just accept that this is how everyone feels & get over myself?

It's swimming isn't it !
Our dd did it and it honestly nearly destroyed us all as dh worked abroad every other week and I had a small baby and other child too.
I found a student with a car and paid them to do the evening lifts .
I completely understand and it's brutal.

Christ I felt like crying reading your post. That swimming schedule is brutal. Does your child really enjoy it? Sounds like purgatory.

Thinking about it all the kids I know they did this insane swimming abruptly binned it in by year 8. Honestly what is the point ?

Also dd was completely responsible for her kit , snacks etc from around age 10 otherwise it just wasn't happening and she did it all as she really loved her hobby and understood she needed to pitch in and help .
She emptied her bag after each session and repacked it for the morning before anything else.
Your child definitely need to take ownership of it if they want to continue.

I echo so many posters here. This cannot continue. It literally won't continue if and when you burn out, which you are well on your way to doing.

Since you don't seem to prioritise yourself (as many of us don't) let me appeal to you by saying that if you want to let everyone down, carrying on this way is the surest way to achieve it!

Here would be what I'd be saying at a minimum:

1. Your DH stops his weekend coaching. Your family is not in a position to "give back to the community" at present - you have less than nothing, timewise, to give. It's like trying to continur to donate £100 to charity each month while you're in debt and facing eviction. If that results in the club being closed, so be it. You're DH cannot carry the whole weight of that on his back alone and his family need him and are entitled to him more.
2. In spite of your daughter's appalling attitude I do agree with the substance of what she's saying in that it would be a great shame for your children to suffer because you and your husband weren't willing to make any other changes (see above - for heaven sake don't cut out a sport they excel in for the sake of your DH coaching other people's children!) HOWEVER now is the time she learns personal responsibility and natural consequences. She does all of the prep for these many sessions. If she doesn't do it, she can't go - simple as that. Sit down and work through a realistic timetable and plan with her rather than dropping her in the deep end but that's how it had to be from now on. It's helping you and it's good parenting, teaching her valuable life lessons. Win-win. If she doesn't do it or protests, she's clearly not really that bothered about the hobby. It's that or give it up.
3. The 6 hour visits/assistance to your relative is cut in half. The other half of that time is now purely for you, doing things that relax you and/or give you a sense of calm for the week ahead (maybe an hour for 'tasks' and at least an hour of totally selfish relaxation). First priority would be researching and hiring people who will make your life easier in the long run (cleaners/people to ferry children). Next, household systems that end up running themselves (rotating meal plans and shopping lists etc.)

And finally, there's probably an element of perfectionism going on here both at work and at home. I relate to both. Work on letting go of some of that if you can.

And yes, absolutely take some leave our a sabbatical of you're able.

This is essentially emergency self- and family-preservation, OP. One step at a time. Good luck!

One of my dc is involved in a competitive sport. It started out as a once a week hobby and then she was 'spotted' and was asked to compete. We were reluctant at first because she was one of the youngest ever to be selected and the training was intense. I told the coaches that she was not committing to all the sessions. It ramped up again as age got older and better and honestly she exceeded expectations and is naturally good at it. I'm not lying when I say she could one day be Olympic level (we have actually been told this). It's not something I have ever done or seen before as I was not sporty so it's all very intense for me. Recently we sat down and discussed what we want for the whole family now and how much we want to commit to a child's hobby even though it could be a career/great achievement. My dc loves her sport and has bundles of energy but I could also see her changing due to the pressure from coach's and the expectation/time commitment from training. We also have other dc and want to enjoy the dc being dc and time as a family. We don't want to be rushing around stressed and exhausted all the time for something dc may choose to give up in a couple of years. That is insane. Some people doing this sport live and breathe it and it takes over the whole family's lives and it's something we have chosen to avoid. It is hard as dc is so good at it and does enjoy it but we have cut right back. The hobby is so much more fun now and it won't take over our lives. I really suggest you cut back. Even if it means your dc go into a lower category or whatever. I don't understand how people can justify children needing to train so intensely for a hobby, who makes no his shit up. Someone must be benefiting financially somewhere. The adults involved need to recognise the long term impact on dc. So much time, energy and pressure can't be good at such young ages. They have their whole adult lives to be stressed and organise their own activities if they care about it that much. What's it all for really unless they end up with a career out of it and even then no one should have to invest this much in something to succeed. How gutted will you be if they decide not give it up after years of this kind of investment and giving your life away to this.

Who makes this shit up and decided to give it up not not give it up. Must stop typing so fast and not proofreading

Where do you think this hobby is going to lead? Surely your dcs must be exhausted too?

I think you need to learn how to say no and stop being such a doormat. You sound like one of those mummy martyrs who wants to be the “perfect mother” and run herself ragged pleasing everyone but herself and then eventually either snaps and has a nervous breakdown or becomes very resentful. No one is going to hand you an award for doing all of this - just stop. Why isn’t your Dh doing any 5am wake ups?

At the very least take a holiday before you flip out!

I could have written this myself, so you have my sympathies! In response to your question - NO, you are not being unreasonable to take yourself away. I booked myself an AirBNB on my own after coming frighteningly close to burnout, turned my phone off for three days and just walked and read. It was brilliant, but coming home was hard when I realised that things probably wouldn’t change unless I made some pretty big decisions about things. Sending you solidarity!

I hear you. We have a very similar set up with kids activities everyday too and early starts.
It sounds corny, but we have the occasional 'family meeting' where we discuss these things (Things are taken more seriously when done this way and are more likely to stick) At one I said that the kids had to sort their own kit out the night before. I also got them Alexas and they have to set their own alarms for the morning and get themselves up and ready. If they don't do it, then they don't get to continue with their hobbies. You know how much your children are capable of, I'd push them a little bit further and give them some more responsibility for their own hobbies. They may surprise you.
It's being reactive that leaves you feeling like this (I know, I've been there) Be proactive in finding ways that will help you cope better. Even if you get a few little 'wins' it will make you feel better.

I'm sorry but unless they are literally being groomed for the Olympics no kid needs 5 X 5am swimming lessons a week

You do sound a bit of a martyr op and it's telling that you feel you want to run away, rather than just manage the situation?

Just to echo everyone else: you have so much going on, but it's the dc activities that is really taking it's toll. Can you speak to the coach? Are you at the pool for 5 or leaving at 5? How do the dc cope? It's madness.

Stop doing all your husband's laundry, cooking and any admin or cleaning that just affect him.

During a discussion yesterday when I suggested giving up their favourite hobby to give myself a break, my eldest was angry and said that in deciding to have children, I signed up to this responsibility and it's unfair to withdraw now. I think your child has a point, although rudely expressed. You encouraged the hobby and established the pattern, it seems non-ideal to withdraw support now.

However, the children must take on more of the getting ready. Your DH must do more, he can do at the least one of the mornings, surely?

I'd ask myself:
-What happens in your house at weekends and can it be scaled down?
-What is your general family organisation like and can it be improved to save time (family responsibility not yours alone)?
-What can be simplified (meals, clothing, gift buying, holidays- look at repeating to save thinking)?
-What small piece of time can you ringfence each week for yourself - and would you stick to it? Whatever you like to do, you should find a small piece of time to do it.

I came back because I also wanted to say - don't underestimate the emotional weight of the caring. That makes all tasks harder, because if end of life is approaching it is sad.

Could you use the time your children are doing their activity not to spectate but to listen to audio books, or music, or take a short walk so you get space for your head and your heart?

Is it possible you need emotional self care rather than a schedule change?

Speaking as a retired dance mum, you have my sympathy. It starts with one class a week and just mushrooms. The dynamic is not always healthy and doesn't encourage the children to develop in a rounded way because theres no space for anything else. In the end you have to ask whose interests is the schedule serving?
Fortunately my daughter gave up in year 7.

Anyway I just came on to share this link https://www.retreats.org.uk/. There are some lovely retreat houses around the uk which can offer a bit more than an air b and b. I think a few days away during term time would allow both physical rest and some reflection and planning time ready for when you return to the fray.

Kids main hobby happens 6x weekly and requires very early starts. Some additional sessions are held (think competitions/exams). Husband does not usually do the early morning as he physically has to go into work and needs to be fresh. He also facilitates a hobby as coach 2x weekend + 1x weeknight so me doing the 6x hobby is intended to create balance.

Interesting that you went to cancelling the childs hobby and not your husband's coaching.

Your husband is the one at fault here, not the kid.

Surely the load needs to be split more evenly with your husband, who works school hours?
Also DC can help with getting stuff ready.
Also find a nice cafe where you can work out of the house for a couple of hours every day to give you some mental space. I use the upstairs of a sizeable Costa near me which always has space and I don’t feel like I am taking up space. Can you stay overnight near where your workplace is now and then, gets you into the office and away from home? Working remotely all the time must take a toll.
And definitely book yourself a couple of weekends away where you have nothing to worry about.

Also, where does homework and supporting learning fit in amongst all this hobby activity?

That will inevitably become more demanding as time goes on.

Take a break. But you need to restructure things at home as otherwise you will be back in the same position in 2 weeks.

That’s what I took from your post too! Have I read it correctly; your children are under 11, so a 10 year old speaking to you like this??
Stop the hobby completely until they learn some manners.

Your dh is taking the piss with his hobby/coach twice a week when you are pretty much burnt out.

Yes, this.

Could you cope if you did the early starts, but all the preparation like clothes etc were done by your husband and the children?

Passionately believe that your child hobby should be prioritised not your husband’s coaching. They are only young once and only now do they have this opportunity. He can pick up coaching at any time. I’m not surprised your DC responded like thry did - clearly swimming is a huge part of their identity. The minute they stop loving it, then you can re evaluate but I have an insanely busy job but my kids always come first in terms of any spare time. I think the other posters are being really harsh on the child, she’s only 11!!

I think you should keep on with the caring.

Your husband needs to give up the coaching.

Your children need to sort out their own snacks, clothes, bags etc, so you just have to get up and go.

You need a really good cleaner.

Your oldest child needs putting into place immediately. You have needs and desires as well and these are not being met at all.