To need a break from life?

[Username9020]

Parent to 2 U11. DH works school hours, I work full time, compressed to 4 days. I WFH almost 100% and have care responsibilities for an elderly relative on the 5th day.

My job is often stressful but is well paid & flexible enough. Golden handcuff style.

I carry the majority of the family mental load and between work, caring, household admin, kid admin & kids hobbies, I'm at breaking point.

I've spoken to DH previously and he has promised to do more to support, but we quickly slip back into the norm & I end up on the edge again. I know he cares about me.

Kids main hobby happens 6x weekly and requires very early starts. Some additional sessions are held (think competitions/exams). Husband does not usually do the early morning as he physically has to go into work and needs to be fresh. He also facilitates a hobby as coach 2x weekend + 1x weeknight so me doing the 6x hobby is intended to create balance.

During a discussion yesterday when I suggested giving up their favourite hobby to give myself a break, my eldest was angry and said that in deciding to have children, I signed up to this responsibility and it's unfair to withdraw now. I feel guilty for suggesting they give up something they love but removing the arranging of kit, waking of children, transportation to&from & spectating from my load would give me breathing space. Yes, they could do some of these things themselves but realistically, they don't.

Everything is getting too much for me. I feel as though I'm doing a bad job at work & at home and I'm struggling with the urge to walk away from everything, despite loving my family greatly.

This situation is nothing unusual, I know hundreds of parents will relate and this is causing me to feel a greater failure.

AIBU to feel like I need a break? Should I remove myself from the situation for a week or so, or just accept that this is how everyone feels & get over myself?

Is everything that can be outsourced being outsourced?
Hello fresh (or similar), a cleaner or part time housekeeper, someone coming to sort the garden. That sort of thing?

It doesn't take away from the early starts ( I'm so grateful both of my dc were crap swimmers) or the caring responsibility but it might help you feel a little less tired.

You've laid out the issue very clearly, the solutions are also very clear but each one of your subsequent posts are saying why you can't enact any of the solutions, in detail.
Not sure how you want to progress if nothing can change?
A hobby has to reduce, a husband has to step up to his own house and step back from the community hobby, you should either reduce the workload compression or switch roles, buy in care/help/car runs.
If nothing changes, then nothing changes.

^This. Why are women so hell bent on doing it all and burning out?

Indeed, If nothing changes, then nothing changes.

@justforthisnow . Good point. This is part of the problem, I don't think anything can change at the moment. I wasn't looking for tips on how to fix things as I know that in due course, the caring will come to a sad and abrupt end which will allow me to spend some much needed time on myself. I think that when this happens, I'll feel immense grief, but also (somewhat ashamed to admit) a sense of relief.

I was really looking for opinions on whether I'm being unreasonable to want to take a brief break from things while they're this intense.

@endlessfall I don't have a cleaner but am actively looking for one which I think will help a bit. DH very much pulls his weight with cooking, along with DIY & gardening. I'm very lucky to have him.

What would happen if say you were really I'll for a few days everyone would have to manage so book a couple of days off work and take yourself off somewhere to relax and replenish with the intention of coming back and cracking on until your relative sadly passes. Once you have that full day back it will change the dynamic.

Could your dh pick up one or two of the early morning ones? Or could you hire someone to do some of them?

Can you take your work to their hobby (I mean the way it’s written etc is making me think swim club and I see swim club parents sitting in the foyer working) then have a bit of a break on the day/ finish early? I know it’s naff .

could do even more swapping round with other parents so you take for an extra day.

Also I’m going to put this out there. When I work from home I often (not always) feel more drained than when I go into on site work. There seems to be some sort of idea that your work is less tiring/ you need to be less on form than your partner/ husband. Maybe if you both thought of this more equally and redressed the balance you’d feel less exhausted…..

anyway good luck whatever you do x

You sound like one more thing will break you and then everything will be stopped for everyone. Is there room in your house for an au pair/nanny, even on a part time basis during the working week? As your children are 9 and 11 they don’t necessarily need looking after but the au pair could be in charge of ferrying and organising the children in the morning to their activity and getting kits washed, ready and packed.

Even with the shock of being asked to give up their activity I wouldn’t be accepting an 11 year old speaking to me like that. You have nothing to feel guilty about and 11 (and tbh 9) is old enough to be sat down and told if they want to continue they have to take on responsibilities.

I found when mine were young and had demanding hobbies (3 children and a single parent) it was eased by having multiples of kit, one for use, one in the wash and one for a spare in some cases for kit that took a long time to dry. Very expensive but worth every penny as it saved my frayed nerves.

I’m sorry but the one sentence that stuck out from your post was your husband doesn’t do the early mornings as “he physically has to go into work and be fresh”. Just because you WFH doesn’t mean you don’t have to be fresh for your work?

If the au pair isn’t a starter your husband could get up and ferry them two mornings a week and leave them, they could be responsible for their own kit and you could pick them up after training which would give you a desperately needed lie in?

Hope you get sorted. x

Have a couple of days off to reset seems completely reasonable.

If you are looking for a cleaner try and find one who does washing, ironing and other stuff. It all helps.

Depending on the age of the dc I would be encouraging them to do more of the prep for their hobbies, yes you will need to drive, cheer them on etc but if they can get their gear and snacks sorted it will help.
It won't be painless if they are used to you doing everything but in the long term will be smoother for you.

@Lighttodark I'm all for equality both at home and in the workplace but I'm not sure this scenario is limited to women. I imagine everyone feels under pressure at some point in their lives.

Do you think stepping away from the situation for a short time (regardless of gender) to prioritise myself would help? From the many helpful suggestions of ways to fix the immediate issue, it sounds like the situation I find myself in is generally considered slightly more stressful than average and this is what I was trying to get a read on.

I appreciate people taking the time to respond.

Your husband really needs to pull his weight or you'll have to stop doing so much. Just because he works outside the house and you wfh doesn't mean he's any more deserving of rest or time to himself.

This is insanity - you can’t go on like that.
5 am starts 6 times a week? Did I read that right? With a job and caring for elderly person on top of all the house admin etc.total madness.
can you drop down to hobby once / twice a week?
when the kids get older and can get themselves out and around more independently then they can pick things back up again - but for now I’m honestly not surprised you are at breaking point.
If they are under 11 then it’s mad that a hobby is taking over your life and family life in this way.
sometimes you have to say no and not feel guilty about it.

I think this kind of situation is frequently limited to women, based on the countless threads about the mental load etc on mumsnet.

I’m sure a break would help. However, I also think you are assuming you can continue to cope with this level of stress and once things settle, you will be fine. Unfortunately things don’t always work out that way and chronic stress can lead to a multitude of other issues (mental and physical). I know I sound pessimistic but I’ve been there and done that and unfortunately realised the cost of doing it all AFTER my health suffered. You think you can cope until one day you can’t. Then picking yourself back up can be a long and challenging journey.

I think regardless of whether your situation is more stressful than average, if YOU find it too stressful to the extent you want to walk away then you definitely need to take respite for yourself. Your body is telling you you are at breaking point so you need to listen.

How did you mum overcome this?

Well she didn't. She had a nervous breakdown and left her job. So the kids either getting their act together or dropping the hobby is not the worst outcome.

@Getmeoutofheere Really interesting point on the WFH, thank you. I do often either work during hobby spectating, or slip out to check in on elderly relative if I know they're having a particularly difficult time.

@Survivedtheex An au pair sounds quite drastic with DC aged 9&11, although it's something to consider. I feel as though I should be able to cope, given how my situation isn't too far out of the ordinary. I'm looking at getting a cleaner and DH would split the early shifts in a heartbeat to support me..... That'll work if we can get the DC to step up on organising their kit & wake ups.

@endlessfall thank you, some really good suggestions.

“I feel as though I should be able to cope, given how my situation isn't too far out of the ordinary.”

Your situation is far from ordinary. And the “should” is irrelevant as you’re not coping - you said you’re at breaking point in your OP. As a pp said, you need to listen to your body and make some changes. A one off break doesn’t sound like the solution.

I don’t really get how it all started with the hobby. There must have been a moment when you signed/agreed/said ‘yes’. At that point, what stopped you from saying: ‘I can’t commit to doing that because it’s too much for me and too much for us as a family.’ If there were reasons, do the same reasons still stand?

Looking at this objectively, this is only a hobby. It isn’t healthcare, it isn’t education and it isn’t mental health support. Does this hobby really have to be supported by you to the detriment of so much else?

No offence, but I think you would find the rest of life so much easier if you weren’t exhausted by this early start.

@Paperbagsaremine I see, thanks for sharing. I hope that she recovered.

I'm hoping that a combination of a break, plus a cleaner, plus DH assisting with DC organising themselves will prevent this happening, but right now it feels like a possibility and this is part of the reason I posted. I've never posted before, just searched for similar topics and taken on advice.

@Stonebridge thanks, good point. Maybe I need to compare to myself on a good day rather than strangers in an average day.

@Sunnysideup999 I didn't specify, but it's 4x 5am starts, 1x 6am start (managed by another parent) & 2x evenings. I'm not sure that makes it any less crazy though.
The caring is short term by nature, although it's been 18months so far, gradually ramping up from just popping in once a week to the current, more intense level.

This is madness OP, you are crumbling whilst trying to support everyone else's needs. Something has to give.
You seem to think you don't deserve the same consideration as everyone else, which is why you are essentially asking us permission to take a few days off. The problem is, you go back to the same unworkable situation.

Regarding caring for your elderly relative you said this: I hope in doing this, I'm teaching my children compassion as well as enriching someone's later years.

What about compassion towards their mother who is clearly struggling?Everything you are doing right now is teaching your children that your needs don't matter and that you are there just to facilitate everyone else.

You need to change things. Your kids will adjust, they will learn a life lesson that things don't always go their way, that other people matter too. Your husband needs to step up and do a few mornings a week, and if needs be he can take a break from coaching for a while, people will cope.

As previous posters have said, there is nothing ordinary about 5am starts nearly every day of the week, then full time working plus caring for an elderly relative too. You sound like superwoman, I probably would have lasted a week before collapsing. I would definitely be expecting my OH to take 1 morning a week to ease the load and let me catch up on sleep.

It isn’t clear from the post if this hobby is term-time only, I really hope so for your sake that you are least get a bit of a break from it occasionally. I think maybe you are normalising this because you are surrounded by other swim / gym parents who think it’s all totally normal to devote this amount of time to a hobby, but for most of the population this is quite extreme and I would be so exhausted before the working day has even started.

Hats off to your children also for having the dedication to do this but I think the rules should be drawn up- kits out the night before. Alarm on. They get up, dressed and fed or they aren’t going, particularly with the 11 year old.

I think the suggestion of a family meeting or rallying everyone round at the weekend is a good one, in order to show that you as a family have to all take accountability for your jobs / schedules/ kit etc and know who’s doing what and when for the next week. Hopefully it will feel less like the mental load is all on you, your OH will step up a bit more and take some off your plate and your children will realise how much you are juggling and also take more responsibility too.

@BadSkiingMum The hobby was far less intense when they started... then they became very good at it and the additional hours is a natural progression. I agree with you, it's becoming too much for me now that they have reached a certain level of success which is why I suggested dropping it... but DC understandably don't understand why my struggles result in them giving up a hobby they love. Hopefully some of the suggestions given could allow us to continue, with a better balance.

@Farmageddon I've never considered it that way before, thanks

@Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon not term time ... In fact, due to increased availability, it ramps up in school holidays BUT as DH works term time, he covers the majority of sessions during school holidays, so I do get some respite.

I’d go on your break . I think you need to be herd at home and this could well be the way .
If they can cope without you for a few days then dh will also get to see how much you do .
Take some time for YOU I don’t see an issue ok doing so

Honestly you're not being selfish or dramatic to seek some time away to gather your thoughts and recharge. Please look after yourself x

I didn't specify, but it's 4x 5am starts, 1x 6am start (managed by another parent) & 2x evenings. I'm not sure that makes it any less crazy though.

This is way too much, unless they're training for the Olympics or something. Surely cutting down a few days a week won't impact them that much if it's just a hobby.

The caring is short term by nature, although it's been 18months so far, gradually ramping up from just popping in once a week to the current, more intense level.

Also realistically this could last 5 years or more, I know there is a lot of guilt attached to this, but you could cut down your visits to an hour or two and give yourself the rest of the day off.

I was coming back to say exactly the same thing Lighttodark.

The emotional strain of looking after your elderly relative and your feelings around this coming to an end compound the stress of trying to manage everything else.

From your post you seem to care greatly for everyone except yourself. Hopefully you can find a cleaner with laundry duties soon or even have a laundry service collect and deliver all your laundry and take away that burden.

Take care x