To need a break from life?

[Username9020]

Parent to 2 U11. DH works school hours, I work full time, compressed to 4 days. I WFH almost 100% and have care responsibilities for an elderly relative on the 5th day.

My job is often stressful but is well paid & flexible enough. Golden handcuff style.

I carry the majority of the family mental load and between work, caring, household admin, kid admin & kids hobbies, I'm at breaking point.

I've spoken to DH previously and he has promised to do more to support, but we quickly slip back into the norm & I end up on the edge again. I know he cares about me.

Kids main hobby happens 6x weekly and requires very early starts. Some additional sessions are held (think competitions/exams). Husband does not usually do the early morning as he physically has to go into work and needs to be fresh. He also facilitates a hobby as coach 2x weekend + 1x weeknight so me doing the 6x hobby is intended to create balance.

During a discussion yesterday when I suggested giving up their favourite hobby to give myself a break, my eldest was angry and said that in deciding to have children, I signed up to this responsibility and it's unfair to withdraw now. I feel guilty for suggesting they give up something they love but removing the arranging of kit, waking of children, transportation to&from & spectating from my load would give me breathing space. Yes, they could do some of these things themselves but realistically, they don't.

Everything is getting too much for me. I feel as though I'm doing a bad job at work & at home and I'm struggling with the urge to walk away from everything, despite loving my family greatly.

This situation is nothing unusual, I know hundreds of parents will relate and this is causing me to feel a greater failure.

AIBU to feel like I need a break? Should I remove myself from the situation for a week or so, or just accept that this is how everyone feels & get over myself?

Mental load is
Is everyone up
Is there food for breakfast
Has everyone got uniform
Have I done the form for school trip next week
Sod it they need cash to pay for school trip, haven't got any
Is everyone dropped off
Did I remember to get the meat out of the freezer for tonight
Must remember to get birthday cards for X today
Got to ring plumber about that tap, the water bill will be huge
PE kit! PE kit!
Jeez that kid over there is scratching. Better check kids heads.
Must tell Grandma can't make Saturday cos of football
She'll moan - when can we fit her in.
I must talk to dr about this spotting between periods - next week?
No time next week, next month? Fingers crossed it's nothing serious.
Text from bank - direct debit sent back? Wtf? Where's money gone.
Bugger, ladder in tights and CEO meeting this morning.

All before 8am.

@trulyunruly01 Absolutely this

All while preparing for a Board meeting that you have that day

I work in a male dominated environment - none of the men ever have to worry about this stuff

It is a 'mental load' if you're the only one who is left to do these thing. Then it becomes a burden because the planning and remembering falls to you.

And OP has already said that her children fall down when it comes to prepping their gear. With more encouragement or an incentive they will probably improve, but for now it's still on the OP to do.

@Username9020 Your children are at risk of growing up very entitled and self-absorbed. I would worry about what you are teaching them.

You must be a very chill person because just reading that made me stressed.

If it was just one person sorting out their own adult life stuff, it may not be as full on as this (depending on their circumstances). However, this is mental load from running a household for probably 4+ people - that IS a lot of work, objectively. Essentially, mothers often end up becoming the project managers of the family coordinating all activities because there is a tendency a) for women to see this as their responsibility, but also b) others tend to let them because they are delighted someone else is picking up the work and they don’t have to do it.

Ffs

Neither do you but when someone like the OP tells us in black.and white what is worrying her then it is very disingenuous of you to dismiss it as "martyrdom", and describe and demean what is clearly a huge mental load as "adult life". It's not, it's been explained to you why it's not, so please listen.

We've had the equivalent of au pairs throughout my kids lives. It just wasn't possible to do everything all the time. There needed to be longish periods when someone helped pick up the slack wherever needed.

I haven’t RTFT but I just wanted to pick up on a couple of things. My eldest child did one of the sports mentioned- it consumed our entire life for years. The amount of driving, petrol, hours spent in the car, working less etc etc was insane. Looking back on it, I have no idea what we were thinking. She too was extremely ‘talented’ and competed at national level. A word of warning. It didn’t lead to a career in sport, nor did she stay in the sport beyond a couple of years into secondary school. In hindsight, although I don’t regret it as such, I think it’s VERY easy to be drawn into this kind of thing only for it to cause huge issues.

OP, something has to give. It doesn’t have to be your children’s hobby, but it needs to be something. You say your DH works school hours- is he a teacher? Does he have the holidays off? Do you have the funds to outsource some things? Your kids SHOULD be helping too. That needs to start now.

An update to say that the relative I had been supporting passed away.

I would have regretted not prioritising her in what turned out to be her final weeks. I am pleased to have added to the memories I have with her, especially knowing that it's now too late to make any more.

Her passing is a huge loss to all who knew her.

I plan to use the time that we used to spend together on myself rather than filling it with chores and admin or redistributing my work hours. I'll consider it her parting gift.

I've managed to find a weekly cleaner and the DC are on top of hobby prep for the time being.

Things feel bleak right now, in the midst of loss and grief but I can appreciate that there will be brighter days soon enough.

Thank you to everyone for sharing support and perspective when I needed it most.

So sorry to hear that @Username9020
Sending love
Sounds like, after the storm of grief has passed, things will be more manageable for you.

Keep that time just for you - your family will thank you

I'm sorry to hear your relative has passed but hopefully the changes you've made in combination with the additional time will mean that you can slowly get back on an even keel.

I don't have primary caring responsibilities but I've had two relatives where they've had problems I've had to intervene on in the last few months, plus lots going on at work, plus loads going wrong with the house. That's been such a lot that I'm absolutely exhausted and it's STILL less than you've had on your plate by quite a margin so it's not surprising you're exhausted.