to not like DH to snap his belt at DC, even in a jokey way?

[Pollyputtheteaon]

Today DC was being a bit challenging so DH snapped his belt at her pretending he was going to hit her with it. I have genuinely never in my life heard a belt be snapped and it's quite loud! He had folded it in half and sort of pulled it taut and slackened it to make the noise.

I have always associated that sort of gesture with domestic violence and it isn't a theme (even as a joke, not that one should joke about it) I want in our home. DC is only 7 months so she won't understand at all but I feel like if I don't mention it it's just something he might do later?

I asked DH conversationally if it was something his dad did and if he was ever hit. He said sometimes. DH very rarely talks about his dad and he died before DH and I even met. But from the sounds of it MIL was controlled, DH was hit. Before I knew this, MIL came across as quite a nervous, timid lady and I cAn definitely see how that happened... Anyway DH always says he is very different from his dad or he will describe his dad as a very traditional man etc. DH is generally a very gentle person and i don't think I've ever heard him even raise his voice. My own dad is very similar and quite a gentle giant, he never raised his hand or even when fighting with my mum he never came across menacing. That's just some background.

AIBU to tell DH not to snap his belt ever again meaning someone was going to get hit, even in a jokey way?

I know exactly what you mean. I had forgotten, but my father used to do that too. On the one hand, it was something you used to see in old films (like Westerns for instance) and he never actually used the belt on anyone. On the other, it's intimidation and a power move - and my father is an unempathic and cruel man, capable of other acts of violence. So - perhaps your DH does indeed have some things he needs to work through, for everyone's wellbeing.

I was reading thinking 'this is probably going to be: yuk, not amusing, shit joke' and that it would be your DH horsing about and getting a bit ott with a 10 year old or something. You know, laughing and making a loud noise to make them jump. Then I got to the bit where your baby is 7 months!! Wtf?!

A 7 month old can't misbehave. It's impossible. They don't have the cognitive ability to do so. You can't 'discipline' a child that young. You can't reason with them. They're literally a baby.

He needs sitting down and telling calmly that it was so wildly inappropriate to actually threaten a baby, even as a joke, that he needs to never ever do it again. It would also be wildly inappropriate to threaten physical violence to an older child in that way, it's not something that will come across OK asa child gets older.

The reason I say calmly, is because of his upbringing. I think he needs help to unpick what is normal and what is not. It sounds like he can see his dad was awful, and he's pitched himself at a level 'better than that'. I.e. Joke about being violent but don't do it really.
But he's not got it right, he's still too far towards how his dad was. I don't think he realises how bad his dad was, relatively speaking, iyswim.

How on earth can a 7 month old be challenging in the first place?

7mth olds can be the very definition of challenging but no, they're only babies and can't really be naughty.

Snapping a belt can be a harbinger of things to come. That he says it was a joke is what every bloke on the planet throughout time says when caught out.

Sit him down and explain the boundaries. As for not knowing what to do with babies ... Most women are sent home and expected to cope on their own. We do so because that knowledge is built into our bones. Men too can work out to feed, clean and cuddle to sleep.

It is possible that this is the result if an abusive upbringing so you need to get him the professional help he needs. You are not the doctor here.

Another shit father.

DH reeeally struggles with talking about feelings or anything emotional. I've suggested therapy to him in the past (to help us to communicate with each other better). He is generally a very doting dad, does all the nappies when he's home, and very cautious about DC's wellbeing. He does not however have a good idea about what is appropriate for a baby. A simple eg. is thinking DC will understand how to sip from a cup.

He is also fairly avoidant and I am sure he does not think his dad was abusive, rather "a bit on the strict side because he was in the army and then the police".

This issue aside op - I’m guessing that you aren’t happy in your marriage

He needs to get comfortable with it. It's part of being a parent. Does he expect his child to be OK not being able to come to him if they've got an emotional problem at school or whatever? Being bullied? Upset they didn't get picked for Angel Gabriel in the nativity?

I'm sure he wouldn't have gone to his dad with things like that. But can't he see how much better it would have been if he could have?

He's at risk, if he maintains his inability to engage emotionally, of having a child who sees him as unavailable, uncaring, aloof, unapproachable and potentially plain nasty if he carries on with the 'joke' threats.

At the very least can you get him a book or an email subscription on child development stages? Like 'this month your child may start trying to roll / sit up unaided / see coloured patterns / nab bits of your dinner / whatever'

He sounds almost dangerously clueless. Would you be happy leaving him to decide what weaning foods to give her if you were out, for instance?

Your husband was snapping his belt at a BABY? The bloke is a fucking idiot

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve made out like I’m going to strangle my child and do the impression when their back was turned.
I would never hurt my child and I was never angry when doing it.

And so in his defence, it is highly likely he was doing something similar.

But I too would feel uncomfortable by this and it would trigger me, even if it was meant as a joke.

If he was in anyway serious I would be much more concerned.

I would definitely tell him how you are completely against hitting, especially with a belt or any other object and make it clear that this is completely unacceptable and how uncomfortable the joke made you.

I am... however I'm not having an amazing time myself lately. I have postpartum anxiety following a rubbish birth. DH has been supportive to the point where he's changed my pads for me. Just last weekend he treated us to a long weekend away that was way out of budget but was somewhere I mentioned I wanted to go when pregnant. He does all the things I feel wives complain their husbands don't do without me asking (laundry, cleaning, bins out, baby's nappies, the gardening etc). Anyway, he definitely does have a problem with speaking about his feelings but I know from many many things he does, he is well meaning and loves me and DC.

HOWEVER, the main problem is he doesn't always get it right with DC and I feel I have to tread gently because we do not disagree well. I know this is something that is a red flag hence wanted to go to therapy to address how we disagree with each other.

Yes! He gets the Lovevery emails and Pampers ones too.

Thank you everyone. We will have a chat tonight.

Do you think I should mention his childhood?

For those saying YABU, I would genuinely like to hear why if possible.

It he doesn’t read them op

If he doesn't know what is appropriate fro a baby and ha no clue a to what children are capable of developmentally at certain ages, then why the hell doesn't he do some reading and educate himself ? I assume he's not stupid.

I get so sick of hearing about men on here how expect their child to be able to do stuff way beyond their developmental level and then getting angry when the poor child is unable to do what they are being asked.

Some people would do more reading and learning about how to care for a dog than they are prepared to do for their on child. They somehow think they know it all already.

And obviously snapping a belt and saying 'you're going to get it' is completely abnormal behaviour towards any child let alone a baby.

It's the kind of thing my DH finds funny, he IS totally harmless and would never ever hurt the DC or punish them in any way other than mild, time out etc, but has a bit of a screwy sense of humour and likes to play around with "this is funny because it's totally extreme dickish behaviour and you know I'd never do it IRL". It can work if everyone is in on the joke. (Think of the Greg/Alex dynamic on Taskmaster). If I'm in the right mood, and I (ie, fully aware adult) is the target, then fine and I often find it funny, though sometimes he gets it wrong and then it's annoying.

But I don't think he should do it towards or around the DC. The problem is that it only works if everyone is in on the joke. So that's "fine" (sort of) with a 7 month old who doesn't understand what's happening anyway, and it's fine with a teenager who instantly gets the contextual humour, but there's an age in between where they are very aware of moods and take everything extremely literally, and this is a problem because he would jump in with some kind of doom-threatening tone and then DC2 who had previously laughed merrily would think "Wait, I'm in trouble??" and would burst into upset tears because he knew he hadn't done anything wrong, and DH was devastated.

He had to train himself out of it sharpish. And he did it accidentally a couple more times before I got really angry about it and told him to stop terrifying the child. There have also been a couple of incidents where he's aimed some kind of joke at me and I've had to remind him that it's only funny if you understand the context and the DC don't understand the context!

I fail to see how a 7 month old can have 'challenging' behaviour. She's a baby.

Your husband is a dick.

If she was 37? Fine.

7 months? I'd leave and never look back.

So he just made a noise which neither of you saw in order to get Dad's attention? That's a bit different to using it as a threat.

I think I'd be concerned that he doesn't have any kind of normal appropriate parenting to draw on from his own upbringing. Things that you would think are obvious he may well not understand, or may not find it instinctive to think about.

I'd want him to commit seriously to reading some parenting books, to know about the common parenting styles and to be aware that authoritative, warm and kind parenting is the best approach. Authoritarian parenting (or abusive parenting in his own upbringing) is not ideal and neither is permissive parenting.

I think you need to be able to frequently discuss parenting approaches and child development - if he finds that difficult he will likely need counselling/therapy to get past it.

Personally I would have found this quite funny. I was actually belted growing up and have a very dark sense of humour as a result (a lot of abused kids do).

To a child who will never know true fear of their dad this is just a bit of horse-play, no more significant than a shouted "Peekaboo!"

That he says it was a joke is what every bloke on the planet throughout time says when caught out

Yep.

I know the sound you mean op.
This is worrying, baby is 7 months old, she wasn’t being ‘naughty or challenging’ she was communicating her discomfort in the only way she knows how: by crying, whimpering, screaming, being ‘fussy, turning her head away if she offered food she doesn’t like.
My uncle kept a belt hanging up in the kitchen, he controlled my cousins by taking the belt off the wall and snapping it in the same way you described. It was horrible, I didn’t like going to their house.

I couldn’t even imagine threatening a baby with abuse. My DH never would either!

When I was pregnant with DD1, we had a conversation about parenting and I made it very clear that there would be absolutely no physical punishments ever. No matter what. DH’s parents hit him with slippers and washed his mouth out with soap. I wanted to make sure DH and I were on the same page. We are.

OP, you need to talk to your husband about this because his behaviour is not normal. Even in a jokey way, this is really very worrying.

The fact that you were abused as a child shows that your sense of humour might be skewed. If my dad had pretended to threaten me, I wouldn’t have found it funny at all growing up. Child abuse is not funny in any context.