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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not like DH to snap his belt at DC, even in a jokey way?

101 replies

Pollyputtheteaon · 03/11/2023 16:16

Today DC was being a bit challenging so DH snapped his belt at her pretending he was going to hit her with it. I have genuinely never in my life heard a belt be snapped and it's quite loud! He had folded it in half and sort of pulled it taut and slackened it to make the noise.

I have always associated that sort of gesture with domestic violence and it isn't a theme (even as a joke, not that one should joke about it) I want in our home. DC is only 7 months so she won't understand at all but I feel like if I don't mention it it's just something he might do later?

I asked DH conversationally if it was something his dad did and if he was ever hit. He said sometimes. DH very rarely talks about his dad and he died before DH and I even met. But from the sounds of it MIL was controlled, DH was hit. Before I knew this, MIL came across as quite a nervous, timid lady and I cAn definitely see how that happened... Anyway DH always says he is very different from his dad or he will describe his dad as a very traditional man etc. DH is generally a very gentle person and i don't think I've ever heard him even raise his voice. My own dad is very similar and quite a gentle giant, he never raised his hand or even when fighting with my mum he never came across menacing. That's just some background.

AIBU to tell DH not to snap his belt ever again meaning someone was going to get hit, even in a jokey way?

OP posts:
Greenshake · 03/11/2023 16:19

Your child is 7 months old and your husband is ‘jokingly’ snapping his belt at her? I would be very concerned about this and would be encouraging him into some
sort of talking therapy to address his own childhood.

bossybloss · 03/11/2023 16:21

I would be extremely concerned, no matter what age your child is but particularly her being so young!

jesshomeEd · 03/11/2023 16:22

Did he think it was a joke?? Did he actually go and get a belt, or take his off, in order to 'joke' to a tiny baby that she was going to get a beating Confused

I'm so confused by this whole scenario.

How on earth can a 7 month old be challenging in the first place?

vodkaredbullgirl · 03/11/2023 16:22

🤔Why at a 7 month old?

Original poster
Pollyputtheteaon · 03/11/2023 16:23

Ok, thank you. Even from the poll answers I am feeling a bit validated in how I feel.

Having a baby for DH is a bit like that film with Diane Keaton where she's never held a baby. He's never been around babies, always been very career-y and he's learning LOTS very quickly. I am keen not to micromanage him but I am having to give him lots of pointers in terms of things I think are too adult themed eg. Watching a zombie horror film with her in the room. And so I am always a bit worried I'm over compensating hence the thread.

OP posts:
Ibravedaflood · 03/11/2023 16:24

My ils used to drive round with dh in their car threatening to drop him at a children's home. Dh is 42 and it still haunts him. No such jokes are appropriate op. Dh should never say that to your dc.

Original poster
Pollyputtheteaon · 03/11/2023 16:24

jesshomeEd · 03/11/2023 16:22

Did he think it was a joke?? Did he actually go and get a belt, or take his off, in order to 'joke' to a tiny baby that she was going to get a beating Confused

I'm so confused by this whole scenario.

How on earth can a 7 month old be challenging in the first place?

She was just crying and being a bit fussy because she's teething at the moment. He was tidying stuff away and the belt was there.

OP posts:
Vinoveritass · 03/11/2023 16:24

You need to describe exactly what happened for strangers to understand. Did he happen to be holding a belt having got changed, baby was fussing and he did the action as a joke to you - a knowingly inappropriate joke, but entirely aimed at you? Like how I've heard people describe their baby as being a little beep as a joke to the other parent or a friend. Does that make sense? OR, did he actually do it in the way it sounds? If the latter I do think it's a problem and I would be worried in your shoes

rainbowsparkle28 · 03/11/2023 16:25

She was being "challenging" (at 7 months, right...🤨) and so he "jokingly" did something to scare a defenceless baby with his belt. Sorry but WTAF? I would be running a mile and seriously concerned for his emotional state and your child's safety...

Sundaefraise · 03/11/2023 16:26

It's made you uncomfortable, so of course you should talk about it. Do you think DH is carrying some baggage from childhood that he might benefit from working through with a professional? From the little you have posted, it sounds like his dad was at best a bully and at worst and abuser.

jesshomeEd · 03/11/2023 16:26

Pollyputtheteaon · 03/11/2023 16:24

She was just crying and being a bit fussy because she's teething at the moment. He was tidying stuff away and the belt was there.

Show quote history

It's a really worrying thought process that your DH thinks - baby's teeth are hurting her, I could shut her up with a beating. Even if it's a 'joke', that's where his thoughts were.

It sounds like he really needs to examine his own childhood so that he hasn't subconsiously accepted abuse as just what parents do.

AgnesX · 03/11/2023 16:28

Shocking behaviour. Neither my father or DH have ever done such a thing. Jokingly or otherwise.

Tell him, and I mean tell him it's just not acceptable. Ever.

avocadotofu · 03/11/2023 16:30

That's VERY concerning behaviour form DH, especially towards a baby.

Flipdiddle · 03/11/2023 16:30

Also there’s a sexual undertone to the gesture

I hate it. Really hate it

Original poster
Pollyputtheteaon · 03/11/2023 16:31

Vinoveritass · 03/11/2023 16:24

You need to describe exactly what happened for strangers to understand. Did he happen to be holding a belt having got changed, baby was fussing and he did the action as a joke to you - a knowingly inappropriate joke, but entirely aimed at you? Like how I've heard people describe their baby as being a little beep as a joke to the other parent or a friend. Does that make sense? OR, did he actually do it in the way it sounds? If the latter I do think it's a problem and I would be worried in your shoes

We were in our bedroom and he was tidying some clothes away. DC was crying and I was trying to cradle her/comfort her. I think she was grabbing at a tissue or glasses and I was moving it out of her reach so she got more grumpy. DH then must have snapped his belt as I looked up because of the sound it made and he said "[DC's name], that's enough now" (or something to that effect, I really can't exactly remember but it wasn't threatening) and snapped his belt again and then something like "you're going to get it if you don't behave" (second part was a threat)

He said it all with a light hearted tone and look on his face. But the action was what concerned me. I think I replied something like "oh my goodness, I don't think I've ever even heard the sound of a belt snap, it really caught me off guard, I don't like that... Did your dad ever do that to you as a kid" and he replied "sometimes" and then put the belt in his drawer.

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 03/11/2023 16:31

My dad used to raise his slipper and pretend he was going to violently throw it at me.

I moped out of there aged 17, I just couldn’t cope with it.

Imagine being threatened with physical violence for having a different opinion or having a rough day and not being able to feed someone’s ego. It’s left me with life-long anxiety and depression.

Your child deserves to grow up in a house without violence or intimidation.

You need to remove her from the situation.

TetleyTeaForMe · 03/11/2023 16:31

It's a sort of physical abuse - it lets you know what could happen. Some abusers use this as a tactic to keep you controlled, why would you 'go out of line' if you feared the consequences?

fedupandstuck · 03/11/2023 16:32

Does he struggle with empathy in general, even though he behaves gently normally?

I can't even fathom the thought process tbh, its not something to joke about nor is it something that a small baby would understand as funny/jokey.

Does he understand that if the baby is crying, then she needs something, whether that's a nappy change, a feed, or just a cuddle and some attention.

jlpth · 03/11/2023 16:36

I would tread a bit carefully here.

He has had an abusive father - to the extent that he isn't speaking about it. He may not understand that this kind of belt gesture is pretty fucked up. He has not experienced what it is like to have a father that loves him, cares for him and is basically, well, a father. He's just lived with someone who beats him and probably beat his mother as well.

As your dh is not abusive (I'm assuming), but has been parented by an abuser, he needs re-educating. He didn't have a proper father, but is now a father himself.

cestlavielife · 03/11/2023 16:36

snapped his belt again and then something like "you're going to get it if you don't behave" (second part was a threat

Very disturbing
Has he had therapy?
Can you sit and discuss

zingally · 03/11/2023 16:37

Snapping a belt at a 7mo baby is, to me, really disturbing behaviour. Particularly with the context of his own background. He associates that with "you're going to get a beating", and threatening that at an infant is... phew.
I'd have gone ABSOLUTELY APESHIT if my DH did that my DCs at any age, let alone babies.

eurochick · 03/11/2023 16:39

It's essentially a threat of physical violence (of a kind that is now illegal). It is not ok.

His view may be skewed by his upbringing but he needs to hear this.

goingtotown · 03/11/2023 16:39

I would never leave him alone with my baby.
Snapping a belt & saying to a 7 month old "that's enough now" is not acceptable. You need a serious conversation with him.

Fionaville · 03/11/2023 16:40

My grandad used to say "I'll give you a belt" in a jokey way. He was the most loving and gentle grandad and never so much as raised his voice (he was the same as a father to my DM) I was never scared of him.
Some people (men and women) say things like this, without any harm ever intended or feared. It's a weird humour for sure, but no malice is intended.
So, reading your OP, obviously it's sets alarm bells off. But, was it just a badly thought out joke? The belt was there and he's grabbed it, thinking it would be funny because obviously he'd never threaten to hurt her, she's just a baby so would be oblivious to the 'threat'. Perhaps. Some people just have a very odd, dark humour.
I'd have said something to him at the time.
Again, it's one of those situations when I'm surprised at how married couples/partners don't communicate openly with each other. You've literally had a baby together, why can't you just say to him "What the hell are you doing? Don't do that again, it's horrible!"
You definitely need a discussion about his views on child rearing and make sure you are on the same page about smacking etc!

Vinoveritass · 03/11/2023 16:43

Your reply to my post makes me think it wasn't an inappropriate joke to you gone wrong. It was aimed at the baby, it foreshadows what his form of communication might be towards her and so I agree with pp it's concerning. I also agree the threat of violence is abuse in itself, leasing to feeling like you're on egg shells potentially, or can't be safe around your parents to let your feelings out without worrying about the consequences

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