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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this appropriate for a teaching assistant?

154 replies

loiss85 · 03/11/2023 12:55

If you found out that your 15/16 year old child (in Year 11) had been to a birthday party at the home of their class teaching assistant (the party being for the TA's child, a classmate of your child), and alcohol and vaping had taken place at this party which was actively condoned by the TA, how would you feel? Is this appropriate conduct for a TA?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 03/11/2023 16:14

loiss85 · 03/11/2023 12:59

The TA provided some of the alcohol and certainly had a very permissive, casual attitude to it being drunk in her home.

It's got nothing to do with her being a TA

It's to do with her being a parent who's values you don't share.

Don't allow your kid to go to any more parties there

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 03/11/2023 16:17

loiss85 · 03/11/2023 13:15

The alcohol was provided by the kids and also some by the TA. They brought some but also drank some that she had at her home.

They were also playing "games" like spin the bottle, kissing each other openly, and the like, with the TA present.

If the kids took alcohol to the party it is very very likely their parents bought it for them. I did the same when my kids were that age.

whilst she is a TA, at that moment she was a parent in her own home. YABU.

Original poster
loiss85 · 03/11/2023 16:30

MissyB1 · 03/11/2023 15:47

Those who think school staff can behave however they like in front of pupils outside of school, and can allow pupils under 18 to drink alcohol in their house, know nothing about working in a school! There are clear codes of conduct, even for your own use of social media.

Yes these were my thoughts too.

OP posts:
Original poster
loiss85 · 03/11/2023 16:31

People are assuming my child is in her class and was present. I've never said that's the case. I asked what people's thoughts would be on this situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
loiss85 · 03/11/2023 16:32

NovemberName · 03/11/2023 16:00

Hmmmm difficult one. Would you be this upset if the parent wasn't a TA?

Of course not - it's the blurring of professional boundaries I am questioning here.

OP posts:
pinksavannah · 03/11/2023 16:36

'Of course not - it's the blurring of professional boundaries I am questioning here'

In that case her job shouldn't bother you either, as PP says , in that moment she was a parent not a TA

If anything the kids may not respect her as much but I can't see how that would impact your child ( even less so if you child wasn't seven present )

Payrisen · 03/11/2023 16:36

loiss85 · 03/11/2023 16:32

Of course not - it's the blurring of professional boundaries I am questioning here.

Show quote history

What about if she was a TA at a different school?

Original poster
loiss85 · 03/11/2023 16:37

Just to be clear to those calling me "pearl clutching" and so on. It's not the providing of alcohol for 16 year olds per se that I am saying I disagree with. It's doing so when you're in a position of trust and work in a professional capacity to the child. I'm asking what people's views are on that specific scenario.

OP posts:
Original poster
loiss85 · 03/11/2023 16:38

@Payrisen

If she was a TA at a different school then no, I wouldn't have the same reaction to it. It's her role in relation specifically to those children who were present at the party, that for me, makes it inappropriate.

OP posts:
saraclara · 03/11/2023 16:39

loiss85 · 03/11/2023 16:31

People are assuming my child is in her class and was present. I've never said that's the case. I asked what people's thoughts would be on this situation.

If your child wasn't affected, then I wouldn't engage with the school. Alcohol and vaping might not be ideal, but it's not an real safeguarding issue at that age, and she was being relatively responsible by being present and keeping an eye on things.

It sounds as though you just want to get her into trouble.

Payrisen · 03/11/2023 16:40

The pearl clutchers here seem to want all teenage children of school staff to never have a party with alcohol present.

Which feels incredibly unfair on the children of anyone who works in a school

I am like many PP - I would be far, far more concerned if this TA had left the children unsupervised.

The alcohol will make it's way to any party of children this age. Bought by their parents generally (teachers, lawyers, Drs, funeral parlour owners, fill-in-any-occupation-you-like).

Vaping will probably sneak in too.

At least being there - and providing eg cider/prosecco she will have had a greater control on the amount of vodka drunk and thrown up

Original poster
loiss85 · 03/11/2023 16:40

@pinksavannah

That's not strictly true though is it. She's a TA regardless and there are codes of conduct that professionals are expected to adhere to outside of that context too. For example, if I were a social worker or therapist, and I drank socially with one of my clients but I only did so outside of working hours and away from the office, my conduct would still rightly be called into question. It's a conflict of interest

OP posts:
Payrisen · 03/11/2023 16:41

loiss85 · 03/11/2023 16:38

@Payrisen

If she was a TA at a different school then no, I wouldn't have the same reaction to it. It's her role in relation specifically to those children who were present at the party, that for me, makes it inappropriate.

Ah, so her child can only have a normal teenage party:

  1. With people from a different school
  2. Held by someone else....the teens Dad? Or grandparent. Then it would be OK?
Original poster
loiss85 · 03/11/2023 16:42

@Payrisen

If I were a TA at my child's school, I would allow them to have "normal teenage parties" but I absolutely would draw the line at providing the pupils I teach in a professional capacity with alcohol in my home.

OP posts:
Original poster
loiss85 · 03/11/2023 16:43

and I'd have no problem asserting that boundary with them. Party in my house by all means, but I'm not going to be condoning alcohol or anything else that's age inappropriate, because to me that's crossing a professional boundary.

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 03/11/2023 16:44

I had a recent conversation with a light friend, in a child safe guarding position, who was also planning a party for their 14-15 year old and was also going to supply alcohol. I was very surprised and wondered aloud about how that would look seeing their job/position. They hadnt even considered it would potentially leave them liable to a complaint, particularly if one of the attendees became sick off the back of it.

I think some people just don’t think.

pinksavannah · 03/11/2023 16:46

loiss85 · 03/11/2023 16:40

@pinksavannah

That's not strictly true though is it. She's a TA regardless and there are codes of conduct that professionals are expected to adhere to outside of that context too. For example, if I were a social worker or therapist, and I drank socially with one of my clients but I only did so outside of working hours and away from the office, my conduct would still rightly be called into question. It's a conflict of interest

Again though, what PP said, do you expect all TA' / teachers ( or social worker or therapist) children to never have parties and have to have a different upbringing just because of their parents occupation?

She was a parent in that scenario ( along with her partner) and the Y11 had a supervised party, the kids that went may think they can get away with more now ( as as previously stated not respect her as much) but that's in her

I'd also say if your child wasn't even there don't get involved, your own child won't thank you for it if his mates find out

Original poster
loiss85 · 03/11/2023 16:48

@pinksavannah
Not to "never have parties", but as per my previous comment, not to supply alcohol to underage children who you also support in a professional capacity. Host a party? Absolutely. But don't pour alcoholic drinks for the kids you teach. That would be my line, if I were in this role.

OP posts:
livvymc · 03/11/2023 16:53

Is her role actually TA? Around here, Year 11 would not have a TA in the class. In fact they stop at primary school level

Original poster
loiss85 · 03/11/2023 16:53

*It's got nothing to do with her being a TA

It's to do with her being a parent who's values you don't share.*

It's got everything to do with her being a TA - that's the whole basis of my question. The role she is in relative to these children makes her conduct inappropriate, in my opinion. It's nothing to do with parenting values - I couldn't give a toss what she allows with her own kids. But she should not be condoning underage drinking amongst the kids she teaches. That's a professional boundary breach to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
loiss85 · 03/11/2023 16:54

@livvymc yes that's her role.

OP posts:
whatsappdoc · 03/11/2023 16:57

You seem to know everything that went on so assume you were there and did nothing apart from judge? Otherwise it's 2nd or 3rd hand chinese whispers. Even so, I can't get worked up over it. A TA in her own home must have some semblance of a private life.

thismummydrinksgin · 03/11/2023 16:57

I think it's naive to send a 15/16 year old to a party and believe this isn't happening.

MissyB1 · 03/11/2023 16:57

livvymc · 03/11/2023 16:53

Is her role actually TA? Around here, Year 11 would not have a TA in the class. In fact they stop at primary school level

I work in a comprehensive they definitely employ TAs.

TruthSeeker2023 · 03/11/2023 16:58

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