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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my partner on the mortgage

117 replies

Pizfufffff · 03/11/2023 09:59

Me and my partner have a baby. We are not married. Ever since we found out I was pregnant we decided to save up to get a home. The thing is she's now a year old and he hasnt saved barely anything whereas I have saved almost 40k. My entire pregnancy we were arguing about saving up every month. He would always come up with an excuse as to why he wasn't saving. He would send money and then take it back claiming he had this or that to pay. A few months ago he got really moody and said he was sick of feeling like he doesn't have any money when he works so hard and in anger I said " fine I don't want a penny towards the deposit anymore I will do it myself and we will just move out without you". He hasn't contributed since. However from recent comments I can see he is obviously expecting to move into the new home with us and obviously I would want him there as I do love him he is just useless with money and clearly irresponsible as he knows whatever happens I will deal with it in the end.

I've told him that I don't want him on the mortgage and my dad has agreed to go on as co-owner. So he can come and live with us as a tenant I don't think it's fair that while I haven't had a penny to myself for 2, years scrimping and saving he essentially spends all his money as he wishes and there will be no consequences.

He says I'm being unfair as I earn more than him. But after he pays for all his share of outgoings he still has 1.5k a month to himself and could have helped me with the deposit a bit?

He has saved 2.3k in 2 years.

As this has been such a big point of contention I'm unable to look at it without bias. Am I being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Shhhhivegotasecret · 03/11/2023 10:01

Do not put him on the mortgage and don’t marry him

Ktime · 03/11/2023 10:01

YANBU at all. Do not put this cocklodger on the mortgage.

Think of your and your dad’s future.

HungryButterfly · 03/11/2023 10:02

What do you both earn?

Hankunamatata · 03/11/2023 10:04

I think your doing the right thing especially since you both earn and he can't make a commitment to saving. It's not like he is the sahp and you have to support him

EauNeu · 03/11/2023 10:04

Take it from me, do not marry someone this bad with money. It's basically giving away 50% of everything you've worked hard (including pension ) for to someone who spaffs their own money away.

Cosyblankets · 03/11/2023 10:06

If you've managed to save 40k by yourself while presumably being on mat leave for some of that time you absolutely don't need him financially so i would do it alone

BigDahliaFan · 03/11/2023 10:06

Shhhhivegotasecret · 03/11/2023 10:01

Do not put him on the mortgage and don’t marry him

this. the money thing is going to be a constant, you are on completely different pages/

BrimfulOfMash · 03/11/2023 10:07

look at this in legal and financial terms.

Does he currently pay his share of the rent reliably?

You could own the house as tenants in common with a stated share of ownership, reflecting the % of deposit and mortgage you pay. So you could own 90% and he could own 10%. Or a bigger % if you want or need him to pay towards a roof over the baby’s head and his own.

I would sort this out between you if you can, rather than put him in a triangle with your Dad.

In the first place did you discuss different savings targets based on respective income and enabling each to have the same ‘disposable’?

Original poster
Pizfufffff · 03/11/2023 10:08

I earn 4k a month he earns 2.3k. However my outgoings are significantly higher as I have £260 on travel, he has no travel and I pay a lot of non negotiable money towards the care of my mum and I help a few family members back in our home country.

OP posts:
Fourfurrymonsters · 03/11/2023 10:09

He has 1.5k EVERY MONTH to himself and he still can’t save a bean??!
This guy is a loser. If you’re not going to bin him entirely, at the very least do not let him move in with you. He can rent his own place and still be very much a part of you and your baby’s life, but otherwise this is a disaster waiting to happen.

fallgirlyes · 03/11/2023 10:09

Don't put him on the mortgage. I own my house but only me on the mortgage not my DP. We have a DD who is nearly two, we all live together and he pays the bills equally with me but just not on the mortgage. I love him but he is terrible with money and can't get any mortgage, loan, etc. so I plan to keep it this way as I know if anything was to happen such as us splitting, there will be no issues with selling home, splitting finances and such.

Original poster
Pizfufffff · 03/11/2023 10:10

And yes I don't expect him to save as much as me in any way. I understand I earn around double. But I think 2.3k in two years is such a p* take. I already pay more towards our current place he has plenty of disposable income.

OP posts:
BananaHamster · 03/11/2023 10:20

Don't put him on the mortgage and don't marry him. He'll be after your house in a few years if you do.

Are you sure he's not in debt?

SpilltheTea · 03/11/2023 10:31

No, he's clearly financially irresponsible and expects you to cover his arse. He'll likely never change.

coolkatt · 03/11/2023 10:32

get the home u want. you shouldn't lose out on moving with your child.
your man is not financially stable enough to have the responsibility of a mortgage.

i would. go into the mortgage with your dad. get your dream house. good for you for ur part of saving. that's good to do in this climate. well done.
make sure, when ur partner moves with you, you have a contract. it states how much money towards the roof over his
head he will
be paying. make sure he is on none of the deeds even a small
mention as a tenent. he gets on nothing.
then get it in writing that when you split up he is entitled to nothing when he will not try to claim anything even tho he is paying towards his keep.
you need to speak to a solicitor for this.
if he doesn't agree to this then hun i think you need to reevaluate this relationship even tho you love him don't let him financially abouse you and take advantage. see a solicitor asap.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/11/2023 10:35

Absolutely agree with the above- don't marry him (or the house will become a joint marital property) and dont put him on the house deeds or mortgage. Before he moves in with you (if you want him to) get him to sign a lodgers agreement agreeing how much rent he will pay you and when. If you feel too scared to say this (in which case you shouldn't really be moving him in) you can make your dad and the mortgage company be the 'bad cop' here. Anything else is unfair on your dad. I wouldn't expect a huge amount of rent from him but enough to cover half of all bills and half the mortgage interest and a small amount towards wear and tear and decoration costs which you'll have to pay for as landlady. And a little for your dad to reflect the interest he's losing out on by investing his cash on your home.
Don't open a joint account with him or close it if you have one as this could impact your credit score for getting a mortgage

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/11/2023 10:36

My friend is in a similar situation and her bf isn't paying her a penny rent as he is 'trying to start a business' she is paying all the mortgage and nursery fees alone (as his mum is watching the baby the other half of the week he thinks this is fair) - you need the lodgers agreement in writing so that he has to pay you

cstaff · 03/11/2023 10:37

Not a chance in hell would I put his name on the mortgage. See if your dad can be put as guarantor. That way you pay the mortgage and he will only be approached if you miss any payments which is what my dad did over 20 years ago.

Then charge him rent if you want him to live there.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/11/2023 10:39

Also just to add to this, ten years ago my ex inherited some money so used this for a deposit for a flat that we both moved into. There was no way that I felt entitled to be 'on the mortgage' when I hadn't contributed to the property. I paid him a (small) rent to cover living costs and I think this was fair.

IF you wanted to put him on the mortgage you also have the option of being tennants in common and getting a deed of trust written up that shows that if you sell the flat you get £50k of the sale price and then you split the rest 50/50
Or 30/70 or whatever you'll have paid in. But I don't think this is worth the hassle especially as he might just not pay his half of the mortgage some months.

hettie · 03/11/2023 10:40

Do NOT get financially intertwined with someone who is clearly financially inept and who has totally different values towards money and saving.
Don't have him on the mortgage (obviously)
Make sure the agreement under what terms he moves in is legally watertight (tenant/lodger) and that he does not pay for repairs or maintenance. Make sure he contributes a fair percentage of his income to child related costs and bills.

Original poster
Pizfufffff · 03/11/2023 10:42

Thanks ladies, for all your advice. I don't think I will be putting him on the mortgage, he's just made me feel like I'm being spiteful in some way. He's hung up on the fact I earn more and brings it up constantly. I will struggle to get a house alone unfortunately as my credit is poor due to being very irresponsible before I had my baby. Since the day I found out I was pregnant I have sorted myself out and have matured massively but it will take a while for my score to recover. Funnily enough he has great credit which is why I will have to either but with him or my dad but I think I will buy with my dad.

OP posts:
CanIPetThatDawg · 03/11/2023 10:44

You sound like you have your head screwed on, OP. Your dad sounds like a much better person to buy with than your boyfriend.

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 03/11/2023 11:17

Keep him around if you want to, but don't share finances and don't rely on him for anything. People who are mean with money are often selfish in other ways.

Whattodo112222 · 03/11/2023 11:24

Did you not see the red flags before having a baby with him?

Squiggles23 · 03/11/2023 11:25

Different perspective here so don’t shoot.

Are you expecting him to cover half the mortgage each month? So he will just be renting from you?

You have a baby together and are a couple. I don’t really see it. Lots of people aren’t good at saving but if he’s reliable with the rent then he will be reliable with the mortgage?

It sounds from what you’ve said you split costs 50:50 despite you earning so much more (as you have other things to pay yourself).

Are your 4K and 2.3k take homes nett figures? So he has £800 to cover all bills? Does that include food and everything else? How are holidays being paid for? What happened when you were on maternity leave? Are you planning on more children and will you keep working full time?

If you love him and want to be with him I would just have the mortgage arranged so your shares put in our protected, E.g you get your deposit back.

Earnings do change, just because you earn more now, doesn’t mean you always will.

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