AIBU to not want my partner on the mortgage

[Pizfufffff]

Me and my partner have a baby. We are not married. Ever since we found out I was pregnant we decided to save up to get a home. The thing is she's now a year old and he hasnt saved barely anything whereas I have saved almost 40k. My entire pregnancy we were arguing about saving up every month. He would always come up with an excuse as to why he wasn't saving. He would send money and then take it back claiming he had this or that to pay. A few months ago he got really moody and said he was sick of feeling like he doesn't have any money when he works so hard and in anger I said " fine I don't want a penny towards the deposit anymore I will do it myself and we will just move out without you". He hasn't contributed since. However from recent comments I can see he is obviously expecting to move into the new home with us and obviously I would want him there as I do love him he is just useless with money and clearly irresponsible as he knows whatever happens I will deal with it in the end.

I've told him that I don't want him on the mortgage and my dad has agreed to go on as co-owner. So he can come and live with us as a tenant I don't think it's fair that while I haven't had a penny to myself for 2, years scrimping and saving he essentially spends all his money as he wishes and there will be no consequences.

He says I'm being unfair as I earn more than him. But after he pays for all his share of outgoings he still has 1.5k a month to himself and could have helped me with the deposit a bit?

He has saved 2.3k in 2 years.

As this has been such a big point of contention I'm unable to look at it without bias. Am I being unreasonable.

Think long and hard before tying yourself financially to someone who clearly isn't on the same page.

If you do purchase with him, seek legal advice as to ring fencing your deposit, and potentially long term contributions.

Do NOT MARRY this guy.

He's financially self-centred, immature, and doesn't want to step up and take responsibility.

I would say do not marry him, or indeed buy a house with him. Stand on your own two feet because he's never going to be a financially-reliable partner.

If for whatever reason you do decide to buy with him, then get a Property Adjustment Order drawn up to protect your share and express it as a percentage, rather than a money amount.

Something doesn't add up.
Are you sure he doesn't have any previous children and paying maintenance for them?
I would seek financial advice before doing anything, he's proved himself unreliable, your going to have years of this, is that what you want?

obviously I would want him there as I do love him he is just useless with money and clearly irresponsible as he knows whatever happens I will deal with it in the end.
However when it comes to finances he is awful and VERY UNPLEASANT In his head he wants to be the big "man" looking after the family. But in reality he is unable to do so as he spends money like it's water...... Because of his insecurities he resents that I earn more.

Read your posts back at you, especially the above. Your words.

You know who and what he is. This will only get worse. By staying with him, you'd be effectively robbing yourself and your child of financial security. This will never be a relationship that will make you happy, and your child will be harmed by all his ranting and unpleasantness.

Plus, and this is really important: his resentment and entitlement will only grow with time. You stay and in 5, 10 years time you'll be back here, writing about how toxic your relationship has become, and how abusive he is being.

Sorry to derail slightly but it might also benefit the OP and also I have wondered about this situation and civil partners. I know it is good advice not to marry in these circumstances but what about civil partnership rights over the house for them? Is it the same?

@Pizfufffff

Funnily enough he has great credit which is why I will have to either but with him or my dad but I think I will buy with my dad.

Please do not have any financial entanglement with this person, apart from filing for child maintenance payments for your child - buying a property with your dad is a much more sensible proposition. 🌹

A mortgage calculator doesn’t take into account your outgoings though.

His resentment about the difference in earnings isn't going to go away. And I bet if he ever did match yours he would see it as 'his' money not joint.

What's going to happen in the future when you want to go on holiday? Either he'll expect you to pay from the outset or he'll say he'll save up but when the time comes to pay he won't have and will again expect you to pay for him. The same with other big purchases.

I don't think this relationship has very long on its legs, and however much you love him now you should arrange your financial affairs based on the premise that either you or he will end it.

This is going to kill your relationship.
I don’t think entwining yourself financially with a man who’s handling his finances in a way that makes you so angry is a good idea. It does sound like he’s shit with money. But there’s no way I would ever agree to pay rent to a partner I had a baby with rather than being on the mortgage and combining finances. It’s just insulting to be treated like that.
I think there are two options here.
Either you start treating finances as joint now. Meaning you both pool earnings and have joint savings, joint bills and equal but separate discretionary spending accounts. He proves he can stick to the limits of his discretionary spending fund for a while, perhaps 6 months to a year, then you get a joint mortgage together.
Or you split up.
You can absolutely start the joint saving in a new account so you don’t mix up the money you’ve saved independently if you think he will fail to stick to a discretionary spending limit.
This current nonsense where you save piles from your larger income and he spends like water from his lesser income is not going to lead to a long happy partnership.

So to put some numbers on my idea.
If you currently earn 4k a month and he earns 2.5k and your essential bills are 3k total.
You take out the 3k from the 6,5k. 500pounds each stays/goes into your private accounts to pay for your own discretionary spending. 1,5k goes into the joint savings account. 1k goes into the family pot for family/child expenses - grocery shopping, clothes, toys and equipment for your child, family days out, dates nights+babysitting costs.
Or, imagining a tighter budget.
Your 4k and his 2,5 go in the joint account. 3,5 k goes out on bills (rent, electric, council tax, insurance, commuting costs etc.) You budget 150 a week for food and stick to it + 100 a week for family/child expenses. = 1k per month. 2k left. You get 100pounds per week each discretionary spending money and save 1,2 k a month. All personal purchases ( clothes, non essential cosmetics, haircuts, nights out, taxis) come out of the discretionary budgets)
I am quite jealous of your financial situation!

He can't be on the mortgage. I bought a house after being with my DP for 6 years, he wasnt and still isn't on the mortgage. Its my money I used for the deposit and DP doesnt hold a grudge against me, that would be very selfish.

We will be buying a bigger house together at some point but my equity will be ringfenced

Definitely check out the laws where you are. In some places, someone that has been living with you (not married or on the mortgage) for a certain amount of years is entitled to money/share of the house if there is ever a split.

Does he have gambling issues he is hiding?
Do not take on his money troubles and do not be made to feel guilty for protecting yourself!

Well done for making the change and saving so much to better your future for you and your little one. Good luck.

Op I think you said you had a bad credit rating, don’t marks against you go after about six years? (Sorry I don’t know the exact details).

You’ve done incredibly well to save that a much, could you not just wait another three or four years and try to get a mortgage on your own. By then you might have saved £100k and benefit from cheaper interest rates because your deposit is high.

In the mean time don’t marry him!

That's a lot of money to have spare? I'd be looking into where it's going... Could it be drugs or debts you don't know about??
I think your absolutely right to do what your doing but do you think he will become resentful in the future (although totally his fault for not saving) do you think this man is reliable enough to build a future with ? If the answers no I'd cut and run now.

You need to have a system that will protect your own personal finances, for your own sake and for your child.

This. He's a money pit around your ankle.

And yet if the roles were reversed here there would be an outcry that the lower earner was not being put on the mortgage for their family home 🧐

Just for perspective I'm a single mother with a crap job and I have managed to save more in the last 2 years then he has.
I wouldn't put him in the mortgage but if you do make sure your deposit is properly protected legally

I'm surprised by all the responses. You earn significantly more. If he has managed to pay his share of bills and save a couple of thousand over and above that over the last 2 years, he is doing a lot better than most people in the current climate. It sounds like you are a great saver and perhaps he cannot match up to that but he's paying his way and not got you into debt. If you trust him then yes, I'd totally put him on the mortgage. If the trust isn't there then maybe not! Depending on the jurisdiction you are in, you should be able to protect your share of the deposit in the event of separation if you chose to regardless.

I think this is a difficult one. I think if you go down the route of your not having a part of this, solicitors etc, not marrying him ever like some of the advice is suggesting you may as well split now. I don't think your relationship would survive that...well not positively 😢

The reality is your incomes are significantly different. Yours is nearly double. I still think he should have saved, but in reality it would be no where near the level of yours anyway. Does he pay the rent? If he always pays his bills, you have no reason to believe he won't pay his mortgage share? I would suggest to him you share the mortgage, but write a contract up that recognises you paid the deposit and if you were to split you get that % of the property back in equity first and then split the equity 50:50 afterwards to honour this investment.

If you go in hard it will set the tone of your entire relationship going forward. It sounds as if you want things to work. Maybe this is the compromise to feel financially safe, but investing trust in your relationship going forward? Good luck ❤️

Quick maths: in 19 months you have saved 40k. You earn 1.7k more than him a month.
If you times that diff you had 32.3 k more. So, on your outgoings, he saved nearly 3k and you saved 8k more out of the balance.

Not that much difference

It’s a huge difference, she pays more of their costs while you’re assuming for some weird reason that they split costs evenly. Even if your numbers weren’t wildly wrong, you could also say he saved 40% of what she did if rhey had the same outgoings ie bugger all. She pays more, she also grew and had a baby in these 2 years and she saves MUCH more of the residual. She is kicking life goals all over the place here, she pays most of the things for baby, nearly 300 travel a month for work, all the food I think she said or similar. He’s useless.

@Kennamorgan Didn’t op say that dp has £1500 personable disposable income after all bills are shared etc and yet has only managed to save £100 per month. You could easily save £500+ per month.

What is he spending (wasting) his money on?

My understanding was 1500 left after 'bills', life is expensive, especially with a child. How much of the rest is spent on food, clothing, the child.. I don't think 1500 after bills leaves you much for saving after the cost of living is taken into account on his salary. She has a far greater salary to save and enough for all the typical extras after set bills. He does not. There's also an argument to say its not appropriate for them to be contributing 50/50 to bills with such different salaries. If the man was earning more and didn't want the woman on the mortgage for this reason, I think people would be appalled!

If that 1500 was 'spare' then he could of been putting 500 minimum away each month. Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it.

Does he help around the house or with baby