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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my partner on the mortgage

117 replies

Pizfufffff · 03/11/2023 09:59

Me and my partner have a baby. We are not married. Ever since we found out I was pregnant we decided to save up to get a home. The thing is she's now a year old and he hasnt saved barely anything whereas I have saved almost 40k. My entire pregnancy we were arguing about saving up every month. He would always come up with an excuse as to why he wasn't saving. He would send money and then take it back claiming he had this or that to pay. A few months ago he got really moody and said he was sick of feeling like he doesn't have any money when he works so hard and in anger I said " fine I don't want a penny towards the deposit anymore I will do it myself and we will just move out without you". He hasn't contributed since. However from recent comments I can see he is obviously expecting to move into the new home with us and obviously I would want him there as I do love him he is just useless with money and clearly irresponsible as he knows whatever happens I will deal with it in the end.

I've told him that I don't want him on the mortgage and my dad has agreed to go on as co-owner. So he can come and live with us as a tenant I don't think it's fair that while I haven't had a penny to myself for 2, years scrimping and saving he essentially spends all his money as he wishes and there will be no consequences.

He says I'm being unfair as I earn more than him. But after he pays for all his share of outgoings he still has 1.5k a month to himself and could have helped me with the deposit a bit?

He has saved 2.3k in 2 years.

As this has been such a big point of contention I'm unable to look at it without bias. Am I being unreasonable.

OP posts:
IdealisticCynic · 03/11/2023 11:30

Agree with others - do not marry this man or put him on the mortgage.

And take legal advice on the set up too and how to protect your interests. Don’t be put off by the fact that legal advice can be costly - it could save you and your DC a hell of a lot more in the long run.

Ihaterhymingrabbit · 03/11/2023 11:30

Bad with money or doesn’t want to settle down and get a mortgage yet??

You are clearly on different pages, sounds like he’s still in the spend all
his wages stage, and that’s ok but he needs to support his daughter and not sponge off you.

Was the baby planned and how old are you both? Maybe he hasn’t matured enough to want this life yet.

Soontobe60 · 03/11/2023 11:31

Before you get too excited about buying with your father, just check what is permissible. Many mortgage lenders won’t accept someone as co borrower if they aren’t going to actually live in the property. It’s a very risky position. Also, if you have a poor credit rating from 2 years ago, you may well be considered high risk. You need to speak to a mortgage advisor before you go any further. On a salary of 4K a month you’d be able to get a mortgage of maybe £120k, plus a deposit of £40k from your savings would give you a potential price range around £180k.

gamerchick · 03/11/2023 11:33

I don't think you have a long term future with this one OP. Don't marry him and definitely don't put him on the mortgage. You'll be glad of it in time

Original poster
Pizfufffff · 03/11/2023 11:37

Squiggles23 · 03/11/2023 11:25

Different perspective here so don’t shoot.

Are you expecting him to cover half the mortgage each month? So he will just be renting from you?

You have a baby together and are a couple. I don’t really see it. Lots of people aren’t good at saving but if he’s reliable with the rent then he will be reliable with the mortgage?

It sounds from what you’ve said you split costs 50:50 despite you earning so much more (as you have other things to pay yourself).

Are your 4K and 2.3k take homes nett figures? So he has £800 to cover all bills? Does that include food and everything else? How are holidays being paid for? What happened when you were on maternity leave? Are you planning on more children and will you keep working full time?

If you love him and want to be with him I would just have the mortgage arranged so your shares put in our protected, E.g you get your deposit back.

Earnings do change, just because you earn more now, doesn’t mean you always will.

Oh no thank you I love hearing different perspectives. We don't pay 50/50 I pay more, I also do the majority of the food shopping and most of the babies things I pay for. He is reliable with bills and rent yes :). I went back to work 3 months after having our baby so my pay never dropped. I wouldn't have been able to save, pay bills and look after my family on his wage and SMP. We are fortunate that we have a lot of family very close to us that happily take our daughter while I'm at work so no childcare costs.

As I mentioned before I just find it hard to be ok with the fact that he has saved the equivalent of £100 a month when he has a healthy disposable income. I don't expect him to save what I save of course! He's constantly getting taxis for no reason, takeaways when there is food at home and so on. I guess maybe I'm feeling resentful that the pressure of saving and buying our family home rests solely on me and he will just enjoy the benefits of it having put no effort himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pizfufffff · 03/11/2023 11:42

Ihaterhymingrabbit · 03/11/2023 11:30

Bad with money or doesn’t want to settle down and get a mortgage yet??

You are clearly on different pages, sounds like he’s still in the spend all
his wages stage, and that’s ok but he needs to support his daughter and not sponge off you.

Was the baby planned and how old are you both? Maybe he hasn’t matured enough to want this life yet.

We are 28 and 29!

OP posts:
unsync · 03/11/2023 11:43

Don't saddle yourself with this man. Your priorities do not align. If it's bad now, think what it will be like in a year, five years or ten. Just don't do it, it will make you miserable. Why does he have a problem with you earning more? That's really not good, any other sexist traits?

Original poster
Pizfufffff · 03/11/2023 11:45

Soontobe60 · 03/11/2023 11:31

Before you get too excited about buying with your father, just check what is permissible. Many mortgage lenders won’t accept someone as co borrower if they aren’t going to actually live in the property. It’s a very risky position. Also, if you have a poor credit rating from 2 years ago, you may well be considered high risk. You need to speak to a mortgage advisor before you go any further. On a salary of 4K a month you’d be able to get a mortgage of maybe £120k, plus a deposit of £40k from your savings would give you a potential price range around £180k.

My salary is 4k a month after tax I looked at mortgage calculators and it said I could get a 300k mortgage on my own. I hadn't considered that my dad not actually living there would be a problem :( I will be sure to book in with a mortgage advisor thank you

OP posts:
StuntNun · 03/11/2023 11:49

If you can afford it then I would be inclined to pay the mortgage by yourself and then split all the other household bills 50:50 with your DP. Get it formally in writing using a solicitor that your DP isn't contributing to the mortgage and will have no stake in the house. That way, if you do end up splitting up down the line, he won't be able to claim part ownership of the house because he has contributed to paying the mortgage. If he has a chip on his shoulder about his income being lower than yours then this arrangement would mean you were paying more than him which would seem fair and give you a similar amount of disposable income each month. My DH is terrible with money and it has caused me us no end of trouble over the years. You need to have a system that will protect your own personal finances, for your own sake and for your child.

Littlefish · 03/11/2023 11:49

I don't think it's as simple as just not putting him on the mortgage, if you get married/are married.

Please take proper financial advice about how to protect your financial investment in case of the relationship breaking down.

Please don't just take advice from random people on the internet! Grin

ElleCapitaine · 03/11/2023 11:49

Whattodo112222 · 03/11/2023 11:24

Did you not see the red flags before having a baby with him?

What is the point of a question like that? It’s not helpful, and it just sounds like wilful sneering.

OP, I agree with everyone else. I’d also want to know what he’s spending his money on if he’s always broke, even with a decent income. If he is into gambling or drugs you have a bigger problem.

tabulaisrasa · 03/11/2023 11:50

He's shown you who he is and he has zero intention of changing, so do NOT put him on the mortgage. I'd understand saving less because he earns less, but he's taking the piss by saving almost nothing while you're saving hard. He's a grown adult man with a child and partner, and he is declining to take responsibility for managing his money so that he can do things like buy a home for his family. This is not going to change if you reward him for this behaviour by giving him half a house he didn't bother to make sacrifices for.

BrimfulOfMash · 03/11/2023 11:55

I guess maybe I'm feeling resentful that the pressure of saving and buying our family home rests solely on me and he will just enjoy the benefits of it having put no effort himself.

Valid and not surprising.

He sounds very immature, saving only £100 on his ‘disposable’ is pathetic.

You sound very geared up to supporting others. You have very different dynamics around money.

Would he go to couples counselling about how you operate as a team, financially?

But absolutely, do not do anything (including marriage ) that gives him power over your hard won assets.

Squiggles23 · 03/11/2023 11:55

@Pizfufffff I’m wondering if there might be a middle ground here.

To go back to work so early after maternity leave is a little surprising as I think the ‘norm’ would be to use savings to top up your SMP for a few months. Especially as a high Warner who can afford to. That’s not a judgement btw. Equally 40k is a lot to save in such a short space of time.

I wonder if you’ve taken savings by the extreme which is great as you’ve achieved loads. He’s been a bit crap but has saved something. It’s not like he’s in lots of debt or not contributing to rent which would be red flags.

If you love him and see the relationship as long term I would go in the mortgage together.

Superscientist · 03/11/2023 11:57

Options
just you pay the deposit you are both on the mortgage but with a deed of trust as to how the house will be split or one of you pass away
You buying your own house and accept it might be smaller and live together. My friend has recently done this. Her partner has contributed nothing financially to their house (no children) and the mortgage company had him completely a form to make sure he knew the ins and outs of the situation
Look into mortgages with a guarantor if your dad wants to help you would probably get better rates without but maybe a larger mortgage with

All in all you probably want to speak to a mortgage broker and a solicitor to make sure of all the legalities sand options

CanIPetThatDawg · 03/11/2023 11:59

OP could get a mortgage with the boyfriend but have it drawn up so it's a 80% v 20% ownership split (or whatever the divide would be). A friend of mine did this and was very glad of it as the relationship fell apart a few years later.

PinkRoses1245 · 03/11/2023 12:01

That is a fairly big difference in take home pay, it sounds like you've made more effort to save but you do have more saving ability in the first place. Are you expecting he will share mortgage payments with you? You either need to buy without him, but not expect he'll contribute to the mortgage or any house related costs, and you need a written agreement from a solicitor that he has no claim on the house. Or you could buy as tenants in common, protecting your deposit, but then share the mortgage payments, and he would be entitled to a share of the equity, minus your deposit, if you split up. it's not fair to buy on your own, but then expect him to contribute to the mortgage.

OhComeOnFFS · 03/11/2023 12:02

Whatever you do, don't put his name down on the mortgage. Also don't let him live there rent free, either. Keep all your finances separate and don't marry him.

The thing is, given all this, it would be easier for you to just not live with him.

CantFindTheBeat · 03/11/2023 12:02

OP,

For a happy, long term relationship , it's massively important for both parts of a couple to be on the same page, financially.

If you are poles apart now, how will that change

I'm not against the advice to go ahead without your DP, but the general opinion of your were a man and he a woman would probably be different.

My advice is to consider if you're well suited at all, unfortunately.

1990thatsme · 03/11/2023 12:03

Honestly, I would not want to live with him. He’s selfish and immature.

whocaresmore · 03/11/2023 12:06

Agree with all the pp, do not put him on the deeds, mortgage or any other joint financial arrangement.
And definitely don't marry him, even if you want to stay living with him in the house that you are going to buy.

ToadOnTheHill · 03/11/2023 12:06

Yanbu. I'd go further and get a solicitor to ensure you protect your asset e.g. perhaps signing a lodging agreement and statement if what has happened so far e.g. he hasnt saved, you have, you've viewed, paid and moved into the property alone etc.

YireosDodeAver · 03/11/2023 12:08

He's a cocklodger not a partner. Keep him as a tenant and don't become dependent on him

Gillypie23 · 03/11/2023 12:10

Don't marry him or put him on the mortgage.

ToadOnTheHill · 03/11/2023 12:11

@CantFindTheBeat the advice wouldnt be different if it was the other way around. So far there has been no reason for an savings disparity or indication that OP expects him to put up half. If he just regularly saved a percentage of his income and not acted like a sulky child, putting and and taking out of savings for fun money, then I think OP would feel differently.

She earns double and has saved 40k. He could have saved 20k. He hasnt. She had 9 months of pregnancy and 3 months of maternity leave. 12 months where she may potentially have been (illegally) overlooked for promotion. She has pulled her weight. What has he done to benefit the family? Hiw has he saved for the baby?