AIBU to not want my partner on the mortgage

[Pizfufffff]

Me and my partner have a baby. We are not married. Ever since we found out I was pregnant we decided to save up to get a home. The thing is she's now a year old and he hasnt saved barely anything whereas I have saved almost 40k. My entire pregnancy we were arguing about saving up every month. He would always come up with an excuse as to why he wasn't saving. He would send money and then take it back claiming he had this or that to pay. A few months ago he got really moody and said he was sick of feeling like he doesn't have any money when he works so hard and in anger I said " fine I don't want a penny towards the deposit anymore I will do it myself and we will just move out without you". He hasn't contributed since. However from recent comments I can see he is obviously expecting to move into the new home with us and obviously I would want him there as I do love him he is just useless with money and clearly irresponsible as he knows whatever happens I will deal with it in the end.

I've told him that I don't want him on the mortgage and my dad has agreed to go on as co-owner. So he can come and live with us as a tenant I don't think it's fair that while I haven't had a penny to myself for 2, years scrimping and saving he essentially spends all his money as he wishes and there will be no consequences.

He says I'm being unfair as I earn more than him. But after he pays for all his share of outgoings he still has 1.5k a month to himself and could have helped me with the deposit a bit?

He has saved 2.3k in 2 years.

As this has been such a big point of contention I'm unable to look at it without bias. Am I being unreasonable.

@ToadOnTheHill

I think more people would be finding ways/reasons/excuses why a female partner that earned much less needed to save less.

I'm happy if that's not the case, but it's what I see on here a lot.

Obviously don’t put him on the mortgage or the deeds to the house. You should be looking at the larger picture though. You had a baby with this man. Even as the higher earner, that has negative financial implications for you. He should be recognizing that fact and taking finances seriously.

It’s not about the actual amount, you may always earn more, but in what he is setting aside and making sure he contributes towards the family aspect of the budget. He isn’t doing that for the house and he didn’t do it for maternity leave. Did he contribute towards pregnancy and now child expenses?

Even if you could get a mortgage with your dad, what exactly would he be contributing to it financially?
How would this work?

Get rid of the cocklodger manbaby.

The female partner, having gestated, nourished, and in almost all cases become the majority caregiver, is going to suffer a financial penalty from having a child, even if she is dramatically the higher earner.

My legal/banking knowledge is now 30 years out of date.
However back then we (the bank) would have considered a live in partner to have a possible 'beneficial interest' in the property especially if contributing to mortgage payments or property improvements.
We would have expected them to sign our legal documentation to ensure their interest was also 'charged' to us in case we needed to enforce.
Proper legal advice needed.

So on £2.3K a month he has £1.5K left after all bills? He could have £500 'spend' money a month (i.e £125 a week) and still save £1K a month. The fact he isn't tells you everything about him:

• You are not his priority
• Your child is not his priority
• HE is his priority.

He's taking the piss and you'd be a mug to let him anywhere near your finances. Or marry him.

He did contribute during pregnancy but it wouldn't have impacted his saving if he really wanted to save. I found everything second hand and would buy and pick it up myself I would ask him for £100 here and there. Same with the baby stuff now, I will buy most of it and I will "invoice" him for a small percentage of it

£2.3 k in two years is a hundred pounds a month. Pitiful.

@CantFindTheBeat I've seen threads where women have had their asses handed to them.

There was a recent thread on a woman whose husband wanted to work less to see the kids and for her to get a part time job to supplement the income. You might have seen it?

£4k per month before tax is £48k and at 3 x salary which is a conservative estimate she could borrow £146k and it's still possible to borrow 4x salary if you have enough deposit, which if she has £40k she does. Not sure where your figures came from! She could have a budget of £240k quite easily.

If you aren't married and don't get married you can purchase different shares in a property. For example you can own say 55% and him 45% to cover the deposit you paid. You can then split the mortgage equally. Or you can own more and pay more of the mortgage. You'd need to buy as tenants in common and remember that if you marry it will become a 50/50 split.

I wouldn’t want him to have a share in the property with you as I see suggested. Because he is just not that committed. I’m sure he likes you and your child buT clearly not enough to bother saving for his family. So you will probably start to realise this and if you kick him out you want to be in a position to keep the house.

Pretty shocking that with that amount of disposable he didn’t provide the financial support for you to take more than 3m maternity leave 🙁

Why are you even with him? He sounds unpleasant, nevermind shit with money etc.

He isn't unpleasant I'm describing the worst of him. He's a great father, I love him and we are best of friends. He helps me practically as much as he can.

However when it comes to finances he is awful and VERY UNPLEASANT In his head he wants to be the big "man" looking after the family. But in reality he is unable to do so as;

1. He spends money like it's water
2. His earning potential isn't crazy high and he knows this. It may change who knows but I am just being realistic I can't see it. Because of his insecurities he resents that I earn more. When I say he brings it up constantly, he doesn't randomly say it but if I ever even think about mentioning that maybe he could think about saving towards the deposit, or question him as to why he can't stop taking his savings back out, he will go on this "rant" about how I can't possibly understand as I earn so much more, IL never know what it's like to "be him" . Which I find laughable as I used to earn less and after I've saved and paid all my outgoings I actually have less disposable income left than he does.

I always thought a family should share finances, I would have actually been happy having a joint account and pooling everything, he works harder for his pay than I do. But after seeing how he is not even bothered to inconvenience himself by saving up for a house I am not comfortable with that.

Read back your own posts @Pizfufffff and tell us again what “a great father “ he is 😞

Well you'd have to be crazy to buy a house with someone who's entitled and very unpleasant. Think how horrible it would be if you separated.

Do whatever you are most comfortable with OP but do remember that if he is going to be living in the property and contributing to mortgage/bills etc, courts would still look at that if you were to split up. If the court believes there is evidence that you intended to “share” the property (which if he is going to be living there full time with you and his child & contributing to all bills plus mortgage) then they would likely award him some “interest” anyway if you split.

Could you not negotiate it so that it’s a mortgage with defined %? It doesn’t have to be 50/50. You could ring fence your deposit and then if he earns half what you do then you can arrange for it so that you own for example 70% and he owns 30%, so you pay more of the mortgage than he does, but you also have a bigger share of the property than he does, and then if you are to split up you get your deposit back as well as 70%, he can’t touch your deposit and gets the 30% he paid towards.

There are a few issues with buying with your dad, one being that you don’t know what the future holds. If God forbid your father was to become ill or required full time care, if he is an owner of your home then you could well end up in a situation where you are forced to sell your home to fund his care. An awful situation and not one anyone wants to consider but it did happen to my granda, in his 50’s in the space of 1 year he went from totally fit and healthy to being full time in a care home, and his house had to be sold to fund the care. X

Don’t let him buy the house with you. Don’t let him live with you either - it will be just a running saga of him not contributing anything to the running of the house, any repairs, any gardening, any furniture, anything.

You would be CRAZY to get a mortgage with him. Part of being a good father and partner IS being responsible with money. He's denying your child opportunities by not saving. Think of the tutors you won't be able to pay for when he needs extra help, school trips, experiences, good healthy food, a nice quiet home. You had to go back to work at 3 months ffs. He denied his baby his full time caregiver at such a young age. Yes, it may have been your choice, but that choice was made based on knowing he won't save enough money.

If you get a mortgage, you will be stuck with that mortgage and, if you split, he will take HALF of what you put in. That's insane.

There's a reason there is a higher rate of divorce among poorer people. Because lack of money is very very stressful.

The fact that your dad won't be living with you is not a massive hurdle, just something to declare.

When I say he brings it up constantly, he doesn't randomly say it but if I ever even think about mentioning that maybe he could think about saving towards the deposit, or question him as to why he can't stop taking his savings back out, he will go on this "rant" about how I can't possibly understand

^^ That is not a good man. That is not a supportive, respectful partner. That is not a good father who puts his child first. He gets ranty because he wants to stop you from ever questioning his spending habits (on himself ).

People who have different views on finances should not be together. It is soul destroying to find out all your future plans fail due to his lack of fiscal responsibility. Don't let him move with you until he can prove he's finally grown up and can put the family first. Your love and his ability to change a nappy won't be enough in the long run.

He's a selfish loser.

You are paying for the baby whilst he blows his money.

He pays the least he can.

You have had a baby with a man child.

Your baby needs one parent with cop on.

You would be so FOOLISH to buy with him or put him on the morgage.

He is unpleasant, unreliable and selfish.

You need to wake up to who he really is.

Long term being with a financial waste of space is so tedious.

Your child deserves much better than this.

Dont marry him.
Dont get a mortgage with him.
By all means let him pay his part of the mortgage but as a tenant.

That way, when he doesnt grow up down the line, easier to get rid of him without losing what youve built.

If you're looking at adverse credit brokers, I can personally recommend simply adverse
They got me a mortgage with me alone and my bad credit rating!

Adverse lenders are a potential solution as @MrShady mentioned. The only issue though is that you are going to suffer a much higher rate with an adverse lender, a high street lender right now on a 2 year fixed could probably get you around 4.7%, if you have adverse or have to go with an adverse lender you’re probably looking at 8% starting point currently and that would make a massive difference to monthly payments