Found another message from the same woman i told him to stop the contact with

[Annnemarrrie]

Hi everyone. Unfortunately I am back here again posting to all of you. I hope some of you still remember my topic from 8 October.

8 October I found messages between my husband and his female co-worker and found out he drove her to her home multiple times after work. (Did not get inside but drove her to her home)

Like some of you might remember I confronted him and told him I did not want to see that type of contact again. She actually blocked both him and me on Facebook and that was it. A couple days later I found 2 fake accounts following mine and his Instagram which I was sure of it was her so I blocked her on both of our accounts.

Yesterday night we we're eating dinner together and he got a text message, I saw her name so I asked him who it was. He said it's from work. I told him no, who is that? Can I see it? And then he said it's 'D...' from work. I looked at the text message and it said 'I am working from 6 to 11 tomorrow and from 2 to 8 the day after'. There were no other text messages which he obviously deleted. I told him why he needed to text her again about her working hours as almost a month ago we agreed that what he did was wrong and that there would be no contact outside of the office. I was a bit frustrated and left the table.

The message itself was harmless, but knowing he is asking her for her working hours and is deleting his messages makes me feel so upset once again.

I found out you can retrieve deleted text messages on Iphone so an hour later I walked up to him and asked him if I could have his phone. He gave it and when I tried to get the deleted messages back he grabbed his phone and got very defensive and angry. I told him if you have nothing to hide let me retrieve the messages. He was very angry saying that he was telling me the truth and that if I don't believe him I can just basically 'f off. (Not exactly his words but exactly his intend) I stayed very calm and told him this is your last chance, please let me see the deleted messages. He refused, got pissed, and that's it. Protecting his phone till the end.

Am I going too far asking for the deleted messages? If it was harmless then why would you not give it to me to prove your innocence. I can't keep up with this marriage like this.

(I am not native to English and some people thought my post was AI generated the last time haha, I assure you it's me, just not fluent in English)

He's clearly cheating or has intention to. What you do about that is up to you I guess, but I slung an ex out for this type of thing as I can't stand the constant paranoia and distrust.

He wouldn't show you the deleted messages because he has something to hide. I would end the relationship.

I’d say the relationship is over. He’s cheated. If they’ve not actually had sec they’ve had an inappropriate relationship.

I think in view of the history, it was understandable that you would want to see his phone. And sadly, yes his refusal looks very suspicious. Trust your gut.

He's hiding something.

He also didn't respect the boundaries on contact you've clearly stated and is now sneaking around. There's zero reason for her to be texting him her shift pattern.

He's shown no intention of stopping whatever is going on - trust your gut on this one and do whatever you need to.

The work hours text wasn’t harmless, she sent it so he knew when he could meet up with her. He’s cheating.

It's so hard letting someone go that you love, but I can't just keep getting disrespected everytime. This really crossed all of my boundaries and I think he really believes I will stick with him.

Should I just grab his phone and lock myself in the bathroom so I can see the actual deleted messages? Or is that another level of crazy

If he getting cross re this he guilty and hiding something. Follow your gut here

No. What’s the point. You know there are inappropriate messages, you don’t need to go to this length. You already know.

I think you should just tell him. “You’ve broken my trust and now our relationship is over”.

who owns the house/has tenancy?

If he had nothing to hide and wanted to rebuild trust then he would let you retrieve the messages. Not letting you is the proof you need. I can completely understand the temptation to run off with the phone but either way the truth is that he doesn’t respect you or the marriage and the this relationship is over.

i would give him one more chance and say, “You either give me your phone or we end the marriage right not. You are asking me to trust you when you should be doing everything to rebuild the trust. It’s the phone or a divorce, choose.”

Either way you need to divorce him. This marriage is over. I’m so sorry he wasn’t a better man.

I own the house we live in, but we were getting ready to build our own house on another piece of land that we bought. This land is in his name as it was easier that way for us paper-wise. We did wrote a contract with my lawyer about me actually owning the land in reality and that once the building is finished it's going back in my name.

This makes everything a bit more tricky I'd have to get in contact with my lawyer before I make a wrong move. Ugh 😩

I didn’t read the original post so don’t have the back story but this is unhealthy. You can’t trust him and sounds like you have good reason. At the same time trying to control him by monitoring his phone, demanding to know who is texting him all the time and scrutinising / blocking fake accounts on social media is not working and not part of a healthy relationship.
Either you trust him or you don’t, and you don’t (for good reason!) so this has become a toxic situation and needs to end.

Why are men such dissapointments. Is it really that much to ask of a man to just stay loyal and faithful? I've always been good to him. But certainly that doesn't matter.

this. Sorry OP

I stayed very calm and told him this is your last chance
what happened after his last chance?

I really don't, yes. I know snooping isn't right but I feel like he pushed me to be this type of person that I am normally not. I wasn't like this with my ex, at all. Him not actually cheating but always pushing his luck to the edge is what drives me really insane. There is no respect in this marriage whatsoever. He made that clear after today

Really sorry to hear this OP but you know what you need to do.

You are going to move on to bigger and better things x

See your solicitor pronto

Thank you all for your thoughtful messages. Really pushes me to follow through on the divorce as im a bit of a softie and always give chance after chance. His mom died 5 days ago and that itself made me want to keep everything to myself but I can't any longer.

So sorry you're going through this OP. It's awful. But you deserve so much better.

One day you’ll see this experience as a blessing in disguise. Until then stay strong and listen to your gut. You know what you need to do

Deleting messages is suspicious behaviour - you can't tell him who he can and can't text but you can decide if you trust him and act accordingly

I think once you have lost trust in him it's never going to come back and you will end up making yourself ill if you are checking what he's up to all the time. You don't what his actions to turn you into a paranoid partner. I would have said walk away now with your head held high but when you said his mum has died I'd maybe get everything in place to leave and wait a few weeks. 5 days after his mum has died seems too soon for me

Am I going too far asking for the deleted messages?

You don't need to make this worse for yourself by seeing them. Just get rid of him because he has no respect for you and you will never trust him again.