Found another message from the same woman i told him to stop the contact with

[Annnemarrrie]

Hi everyone. Unfortunately I am back here again posting to all of you. I hope some of you still remember my topic from 8 October.

8 October I found messages between my husband and his female co-worker and found out he drove her to her home multiple times after work. (Did not get inside but drove her to her home)

Like some of you might remember I confronted him and told him I did not want to see that type of contact again. She actually blocked both him and me on Facebook and that was it. A couple days later I found 2 fake accounts following mine and his Instagram which I was sure of it was her so I blocked her on both of our accounts.

Yesterday night we we're eating dinner together and he got a text message, I saw her name so I asked him who it was. He said it's from work. I told him no, who is that? Can I see it? And then he said it's 'D...' from work. I looked at the text message and it said 'I am working from 6 to 11 tomorrow and from 2 to 8 the day after'. There were no other text messages which he obviously deleted. I told him why he needed to text her again about her working hours as almost a month ago we agreed that what he did was wrong and that there would be no contact outside of the office. I was a bit frustrated and left the table.

The message itself was harmless, but knowing he is asking her for her working hours and is deleting his messages makes me feel so upset once again.

I found out you can retrieve deleted text messages on Iphone so an hour later I walked up to him and asked him if I could have his phone. He gave it and when I tried to get the deleted messages back he grabbed his phone and got very defensive and angry. I told him if you have nothing to hide let me retrieve the messages. He was very angry saying that he was telling me the truth and that if I don't believe him I can just basically 'f off. (Not exactly his words but exactly his intend) I stayed very calm and told him this is your last chance, please let me see the deleted messages. He refused, got pissed, and that's it. Protecting his phone till the end.

Am I going too far asking for the deleted messages? If it was harmless then why would you not give it to me to prove your innocence. I can't keep up with this marriage like this.

(I am not native to English and some people thought my post was AI generated the last time haha, I assure you it's me, just not fluent in English)

I think the OP needs to be very careful with her next move. There is no evidence that her DH cheated, but DH can very easily spin the OP's actions as coercive control (controlling who he has friends with, demanding to read his texts, gaining control of his phone or a bad things will happen). I think regardless, this marriage is over. There's no trust, and this relationship as a result sounds toxic and all it's going to do is wreck your mental health with constant paranoia, justified or not.

Yes I don't think he has physically cheated. Sounds funny and even unreal but he is the type of person that looks for a thrill but doesn't actually physically cheat. But he will definitely bring it to the edge. It's all on an emotional level. Him not wanting me to see the deleted messages is for me a clear sign that there is emotional cheating in there such as talking a lot etcetera. I've never seen any hearts or kisses or those type of chats but they are definitely in full contact.

I honestly don't even care whether its emotional cheating or physically cheating. I made my boundaries clear last time and he shows nothing but disrespect as he chose to still message her anyway but through another platform so I wouldn't find out.

the irony is, she is getting married. Just saw that she posted a picture of her and her husband to be on Facebook. The guy isn't even her age, looks more like a sugar daddy then anything. My husband is going to lose his wife that was there for him in good and bad and the girl he lost his wife to is going to get married too. I wish him good luck.

I think the whole saga is another level of crazy. I don't know whether he is having an affair or not. Neither do you. But men and women can be friends, and this level of controlling behaviour (from you) would be a red flag to me (for him). He's giving someone a lift home. I give people lifts too. I have chats with work colleagues outside work. If anyone, anyone at all, tried to tell me who and how I can be friends with someone, or started demanding my phone, I'd be binning them, not the other way around.

He admitted himself that is wasn't harmless and that he felt guilty and promised me to stop all contact. Unfortunately this isn't the first time.

Now I agree with you that me trying to control these situations isn't healthy.

The guy isn't even her age, looks more like a sugar daddy then anything.

Wow, and that is delightful. You really do sound crazed.

He is cheating or intending to cheat.
End the relationship you can not trust him

This isn't a normal friendship he has with this coworker as he is being so secretive about it.

Your behaviour is appalling.
End this marriage now, what a mess.

I'm sorry but I've been in a similar situation to this and he's definitely got something to hide.

If the shoe was on the other foot and you wanted to prove your innocence to your dh to make him trust you, you would do it, regardless of if it would annoy you or not. You'd want to make him feel better.

Sorry. I know it's not nice to hear and having to face the reality is hard but don't waste anymore time on him.

They are figuring out their shift patterns . I’d say this is an affair .
You should leave he’s a lier and a cheat .

It would be so easy for him to prove his innocence by letting you retrieve the messages.
If I were innocent I'd do whatever I could to prove it and prove the accuser wrong.
He's not only obviously been talking to her after promising he wouldn't, he's deleted the messages and won't let you retrieve them.
People can bleat on about privacy, it's his phone etc but you're past that, he's deceiving you, he's a liar, he's untrustworthy and he's having an emotional affair.
Keep your powder dry, give nothing else away regarding your potential plans, completely drop the subject until you've spoken to your solicitor then when you know where you stand legally with the house and land you can act.
Personally I'd kick his arse to the kerb, he's had a chance and blew it, you'll forever live with the worry of what he's up to, I couldn't live like that and you shouldn't have to either ❤️

@Annnemarrrie does he also use an ipad??? the message can probably be retrieved on that

I’m a man who has been cheated on by women several times - it’s not just men, and it’s certainly not all men.

You need to leave, but it’s also important you don’t go through life thinking all men are the same.
After my experiences I met my now-wife, who I know wouldn’t do the same to me.

Good luck

Sorry you're absolutely true. Im sorry this happened to you and I am happy to hear you've found your soulmate. Xxx

OP Please please think carefully.

If someone hasn’t been cheating/sending inappropriate messages. They would gladly show you their phone.

Also He has been disrespectful by texting that woman again.

His mother died 5 days ago and he’s not taking any time off?

i've honestly experienced multiple occasions like these with him through the past years. It was never physical and I somehow always found out right before it could go any further on an emotional level. He would act out of character and before you know it he would get a message or leave his Whatsapp on on my computer. Just like yesterday when he got a text from her while we were eating. I didn't even snoop but I did have a gut feeling the last 2 weeks as he was starting to act out of character again.

Due to me finding out before something got into an actual affair I never had the balls to leave. Always a voice inside of me saying but he did not 'actually' cheat. I think through the past 5 years there were 3 other simillair situations like these.

I just know its time for me to go eventhough that's one of the hardest things for me to do at this moment.

He only got 4 free days 🫤 I'm not from England though I think our rules maybe aren't the same. His work is very strict unfortunately

you might love him but you should love yourself more

He is hiding something. The trust is gone. End the relationship and move on. You deserve happiness.

Just leave him. He’s going to great lengths to deceive you and hide his cheating/attempt at cheating. Don’t put yourself through it.

You don't need to see the messages.

He's totally disrespected you.

It is up to you how much you want to take.

You clearly do not trust him so why you still with him?

Grabbing his phone and going through it is ridiculous.

You hold the power so why prolong it?

How does she sound crazed?

If her partner is significantly older than her, it's a fair comment. Not many people partner up people significantly older than them with no gain.

Due to me finding out before something got into an actual affair I never had the balls to leave. Always a voice inside of me saying but he did not 'actually' cheat. I think through the past 5 years there were 3 other simillair situations like these

That's understandable, but no one should have to stay in a marriage where one spouse is having repeated flirtations/emotional affairs with other people. it's unacceptable on its own, but it also always has the potential to become a physical affair too.

There is clearly something missing in this relationship for him, or just something missing in him, full stop.
(Probably the latter, given he's married you and is embarking on building a home for you both).

It's good you got to this point before throwing joint finances into a house with him (or having kids). Can you get out of there with your home value unscathed?

Nor does she sound like a "nice" woman - to be continuing messaging someone's husband when their wife has clearly asked them to stop contact because it's making her uncomfortable), nor is stalking the wife and his social media accounts.

Is she a lovely, well adjusted person to be defended? No wonder op is slating her.