Found another message from the same woman i told him to stop the contact with

[Annnemarrrie]

Hi everyone. Unfortunately I am back here again posting to all of you. I hope some of you still remember my topic from 8 October.

8 October I found messages between my husband and his female co-worker and found out he drove her to her home multiple times after work. (Did not get inside but drove her to her home)

Like some of you might remember I confronted him and told him I did not want to see that type of contact again. She actually blocked both him and me on Facebook and that was it. A couple days later I found 2 fake accounts following mine and his Instagram which I was sure of it was her so I blocked her on both of our accounts.

Yesterday night we we're eating dinner together and he got a text message, I saw her name so I asked him who it was. He said it's from work. I told him no, who is that? Can I see it? And then he said it's 'D...' from work. I looked at the text message and it said 'I am working from 6 to 11 tomorrow and from 2 to 8 the day after'. There were no other text messages which he obviously deleted. I told him why he needed to text her again about her working hours as almost a month ago we agreed that what he did was wrong and that there would be no contact outside of the office. I was a bit frustrated and left the table.

The message itself was harmless, but knowing he is asking her for her working hours and is deleting his messages makes me feel so upset once again.

I found out you can retrieve deleted text messages on Iphone so an hour later I walked up to him and asked him if I could have his phone. He gave it and when I tried to get the deleted messages back he grabbed his phone and got very defensive and angry. I told him if you have nothing to hide let me retrieve the messages. He was very angry saying that he was telling me the truth and that if I don't believe him I can just basically 'f off. (Not exactly his words but exactly his intend) I stayed very calm and told him this is your last chance, please let me see the deleted messages. He refused, got pissed, and that's it. Protecting his phone till the end.

Am I going too far asking for the deleted messages? If it was harmless then why would you not give it to me to prove your innocence. I can't keep up with this marriage like this.

(I am not native to English and some people thought my post was AI generated the last time haha, I assure you it's me, just not fluent in English)

And yes we do meet new people, but we introduce them to eachother and he kept this girl a secret from me. Never mentioned her once. We are friends with a girl we met in our gym and hang out with her regulary. I do not have a problem with that at all, we met her together and they even meet up together to go to the gym. But keeping someone a secret from me indicates to me there is something wrong. And yes if my husband makes new female friends and I don't know them I am not going to be pleased. Some of you might be more open to that but I am not. Those are my boundaries. If it was the other way around he wouldn't be pleased either.

Leave him. You can’t believe a word he says.

OP I hate to say it but regardless of what he has or hasn’t done, your behaviour is not okay. If you don’t trust your husband to answer you truthfully then that is your marriage over, and you should leave him. You don’t need to read the messages, you don’t need to look at her profile, you don’t need his passwords, if you do not trust him then your marriage is over and that’s the bottom line. Just leave.

I don’t understand how if you say she blocked you both on Facebook, how can you not see her posting there about her upcoming wedding?

Also going forward, your attitude towards new friends is extremely unhealthy. If my husband told me I wasn’t allowed to make friends unless we met them together or he met them first, that would be a HUGE red flag, because what he is essentially saying (and what you are saying) is that you don’t believe he is capable of having friendships without cheating.

Why do you expect him to change when you’ve allowed him to disrespect you so many times previously and never left?

You've basically given him the green light - he can do what he likes and he will, because he knows you won’t leave.

I honestly thought that it was due to our age, he's 30 I am 27. Thinking it's something fixable which clearly wasn't. The first time 4 years ago when I saw that other account we had a good chat and I was thinking it was a one time experience. When his dad died 3 years ago he spireled into the same behaviour. Chatting with girls online, opening an onlyfans account, opened multiple fake profiles even to test the friends of his little sister. It's all a bit twisted. In that time he was just hiding in the other room on his phone 24/7 and after a couple weeks I found out what he was actually doing. I thought all of this had to do with him grieving his dad as even he wasn't emotionally available anymore. I was walking on eggshells through the house scared I would do something to upset him. At one point his niece interfered saying that whatever he was doing wasn't healthy. (She saw how he reacted to me) but she didn't know about the stuff he did online. After his niece he changed a lot and started to be loving again. I forgave him as I was thinking it was more like thrill seeking to not feel the pain and grieve of his father. We really did good together after that and he was being the nice loving and helping husband but he spireled back after this girl.

I feel guilty if I end up divorcing him as now his only parent that was left died as well 5 days ago. I am considering if I should wait or what is the best thing to go from here.

I know my controlling behaviour isn't great and there is no excuse as I should've just left. But there is so many more to the story as why I haven't decided to leave in that time. It's just sad cause when he is doing good mentally he is really loving. I tried to get him into therapy but he did not want to, I was thinking it would help with the grieve of his father and I partally blamed his behaviour on his grieve instead of coming to terms that there was no mutual respect

For sure. I never stated my behaviour is okay. I admit to being at fault in this. Just simply explaining why I did do it... Everything you're saying is true.

I have an old Facebook account that I logged into yesterday to see if she posted something. I also found a video of her singing a song in our car that she posted today. And yes, I looked again at her profile today. I couldn't help it. I just have to cut ties with my husband that's all I know now

The thing is though the explanation for your behaviour doesn’t matter, if you understand it’s not acceptable and you don’t have the trust in him to accept his answers, just walk away. All that is going to happen if you remain in this relationship is you’re going to end up destroying yourself to stay in a relationship that doesn’t serve you.

Stop looking at her profile, block her yourself on there if you are struggling to stop yourself. Back his bags and ask him to leave if the house is yours.

"Stop looking at her profile, block her yourself on there if you are struggling to stop yourself. Back his bags and ask him to leave if the house is yours."

Definitely agree with this. OP - stop looking at profiles, social media, anything. It is only going to reopen or deepen the wound. When I had been emotionally cheated on by a previous partner and a mutual friend, in the end I just had to go completely cold turkey and only engage in the absolute minimum, most business-like contact necessary to sort anything out. We didn't live together yet, so admittedly that was easier than in your situation, but honestly, looking is not going to help you now. Get any screenshots you might need for your solicitor in terms of grounds for divorce, chuck them on a spare online cloud storage account, whatever, but then stop.

If he won’t let you retrieve the deleted messages he probably has something to hide. If he was innocent and he wanted to show you that you are being crazy then he would allow you to do whatever you wanted with his phone!!!

Leave him and it will immediately make the “affair” less exciting for him, I guarantee. Once it’s not something he needs to hide from you it will lose its appeal and ruin the fun for both of them. By staying and trying to “win” over him by finding ways to find the truth you’re playing his game and probably making him more determined to hide things.
Show him that you’re above this nonsense situation.

No just dump him

You have to leave him. I would find an emotional affair worse than a physical affair. Contacting your DH at home when you're both in bed is beyond irresponsible and disrespectful.

As you said, it's the third time,he won't change. If you tolerate it now, it will happen again. If he told you it wouldn't happen again, I wouldn't believe him. I think you've crossed a point of no return. Better break now before you have children involved, you're so young and have so many opportunities ahead of you.

Agreed. You do not want to live always wondering and worried. That pit in your stomach. You deserve more ❤️

Why would he respect you when you don't respect yourself?

I'm sorry for you

I have to ask is there a chance your husband is like this with you? You mentioned owning the house and having bought some property to build on.

This! He sounds like he is hiding something, but your behaviour sounds unhinged too.

They aren't all. Some of them can do it. You've just misjudged this one and trusted him, and he's proven that was wrong. Let him go, heal, and find a good one if you want to.

Get your ducks in a row and make plans. Once he sees you are serious, and he is about to lose you, his behavior will probably change. Don’t be fooled. He is deceitful

It is time for you to finish this relationship and go and have a wonderful life.

The fact they both know you know and continue anyway says a lot about the extent of their relationship.

He wants her not you. But he is a coward and will act like he's trying whilst you tear yourself apart thinking about locking yourself in the bathroom. You are not crazy btw. I was you 5 years ago.

Trust your gut and put yourself first.

@ThickSkinnedSoWhat

Op is not an abuser. This is a toxic relationship and her husband is gaslighting her by lying. She even thinks they haven't 'physically' slept together but it's clear they have

If he's looking for excitement, he should go to a theme park / als hij wat spannends wilt beleven moet hij naar Bobbejaanland gaan... Of wellicht Plopsaland, wat een kinderachtige vent.

I don't agree with your 'no new female/male friends' approach but know this is partly a (stifling) cultural thing and fairly common in Belgium. Clearly this is not the relationship you want for the rest for your life, end it now before your have children.

Stop making excuses for him. Leave him, this relationship is dead.

Well, he blew his last chance.
So I'm sorry, he is lying & deceitful.
Time to put your words into actiion