Found another message from the same woman i told him to stop the contact with

[Annnemarrrie]

Hi everyone. Unfortunately I am back here again posting to all of you. I hope some of you still remember my topic from 8 October.

8 October I found messages between my husband and his female co-worker and found out he drove her to her home multiple times after work. (Did not get inside but drove her to her home)

Like some of you might remember I confronted him and told him I did not want to see that type of contact again. She actually blocked both him and me on Facebook and that was it. A couple days later I found 2 fake accounts following mine and his Instagram which I was sure of it was her so I blocked her on both of our accounts.

Yesterday night we we're eating dinner together and he got a text message, I saw her name so I asked him who it was. He said it's from work. I told him no, who is that? Can I see it? And then he said it's 'D...' from work. I looked at the text message and it said 'I am working from 6 to 11 tomorrow and from 2 to 8 the day after'. There were no other text messages which he obviously deleted. I told him why he needed to text her again about her working hours as almost a month ago we agreed that what he did was wrong and that there would be no contact outside of the office. I was a bit frustrated and left the table.

The message itself was harmless, but knowing he is asking her for her working hours and is deleting his messages makes me feel so upset once again.

I found out you can retrieve deleted text messages on Iphone so an hour later I walked up to him and asked him if I could have his phone. He gave it and when I tried to get the deleted messages back he grabbed his phone and got very defensive and angry. I told him if you have nothing to hide let me retrieve the messages. He was very angry saying that he was telling me the truth and that if I don't believe him I can just basically 'f off. (Not exactly his words but exactly his intend) I stayed very calm and told him this is your last chance, please let me see the deleted messages. He refused, got pissed, and that's it. Protecting his phone till the end.

Am I going too far asking for the deleted messages? If it was harmless then why would you not give it to me to prove your innocence. I can't keep up with this marriage like this.

(I am not native to English and some people thought my post was AI generated the last time haha, I assure you it's me, just not fluent in English)

Where I live it's kind of normal for some women to partner up with their 'sugar daddy'. My intention with writing this is that she is almost for sure not invested in her own upcoming marriage and maybe would like to keep the emotional affair with my husband going

I would. I would rather know before I divorce him

I honestly don't want to slate her but I do think her intentions are wrong with her own upcoming marriage and that's why she is possibily holding on to my husband.

My husband told her last month that I did not like their contact and that he wanted to keep it minimal and just work related. She got offended I think and blocked us both from Facebook.

I'd be letting her fiancé know that she is trying to cheat

You see I am like that too. I feel like I've been mentally manipulated by him all this time acting like I am the crazy one eventhough I found a lot of things you don't do when you're inside a marriage. It makes me question myself and it makes me question whether I should leave or not as I feel like I am always overreacting due to how he makes it seem. + he also has a lot of good sides which makes you doubtful

You could argue that few people partner up at all unless they think there is some form of "gain". But the OP wants him to block her, have nothing to do with her, thinks she's been creating false accounts to check up on them - but is following her on Facebook and making judgements which, I am sure, are in no way whatsoever connected to the fact that she hates this woman. And "not looking her age" is neither a crime, nor is it "significantly older". The OP sounds jealous as hell, and very controlling. There may be rights and wrong on both sides, but I wonder if it is all quite as one-sided as she suggests. I could quite easily see someone hounded by controlling behaviour and jealous near stalking of one's life as being the push to find friends elsewhere. Perhaps they would both be much better off ending this.

Just because it's a woman posting doesn't mean that we all have to leap to her total defence or that men are always looking to cheat because that's what they do. If the situation were reversed here and a man was demanding to go through a woman's phone, we would still be saying that ending the relationship is probably the right thing to do - but almost every post would be saying that because it is controlling behaviour and just wrong. If it is wrong for men to control our behaviour (and it is) for whatever they think are good reasons, then it is equally wrong for women to do the same thing. That is entirely seperate from anything else. In the end, if there is no trust in a relationship, going through a phone won't put the trust back even if there is nothing to find - it just makes it worse.

I see this from a different perspective.

There are trust issues / there’s no trust in your relationship.

I couldn’t be with someone constantly checking my phone, controlling my SM account (deleting people who YOU decide shouldn’t have contact) & telling me what I could & couldn’t do. Who I can and cannot speak to.

If this was a reverse and a man was doing this to a women we would all be shouting emotional abuse.

You’re not compatible.

I didn't ask him to block her, I told him, one month ago, that I would like to see their interactions minimal and work related as it got out of hand. Her texting late at night every night while we were laying in bed which did not feel comfortable to me at all. She blocked me and my husband when my husband told her he wants to keep it work related and then first with her own account started looking through all my stories on instagram and once I blocked her within 2 hours there was a fake account following me and looking through my stories. I then proceded to block the profile again and asked if my husband could do the same assuming their weird interactions we're over.

You shouldn't need to tell a husband to stop texting another woman, he shouldn't want to. I'm not sure where this leaves you as the trust is eroding.

Yes there is absolutely no trust left in this marriage unfortunately.

This is laughable. "I didn't ask him to block her" as a defence. Then literally straight away "I told him... would like to see their interactions minimal and work related...proceded to block the profile again and asked if my husband could do the same".

Sugar coat it all you want, no matter what this man is doing with this woman, you are showing controlling behaviour. I was controlled like this for a decade, a third of my life. In my case because he felt the same about me and any male companions or colleagues I was friendly with, not cheating with. I've been left an empty shell of who I used to be. I have minimal social interaction, barely leave my house, trust nobody to name a few things.

If you think he is cheating then leave him. If you don't trust what he is doing, leave him. But stop with the controlling.

Your imposing your insecurities and traumas on to me. Sorry you had to go through that but me and my husband both made the pact that we won't interact with others like that. He can have guy friends and his female friends he had before knowing me, and I can have my female friends and the couple male friends I had before knowing him. In that way me and him have always been on the same side. Unfortunately he didn't stick to it. They can be friends in work, outside the office is a no for me and texting eachother late at night while were laying in bed is also a definite no for me. Good for you you have different standards, doesn't mean I have to live my life like you do.

The only thing I can agree with you on is that I have to leave as this trust is never going to come back and me being controlling and the unkown breaks me up mentally.

Don't you dare, I am most certain imposing nothing on you. I couldn't care less what you do, my concern is for your husband. Again, you're admitting he is allowed to have female friends he knew before you (how big of you) but clearly not after. He isn't allowed to see colleagues outside of work. Funnily enough most abusers will do nothing but deny their behaviour, exactly as you are.

My standards are different, yes. I would never control anyone, having been treated like a prisoner for a third of my life. I hope he has the sense to see what's happening here.

There is no way in a million years I'd let anyone go through my phone as if I were a child or a prisoner. You don't trust him then you should leave. FFS he's allowed to message people. BUT you are also allowed to say what sort of relationship you want - it's your right to leave if it doesn't work for you - but you don't have the right to demand he show you his phone and block a work contact.
And the old lie, "if you had nothing to hide you'd show me" is a well-worn tool of a controller.
I hope it works out for you - and for him.

@Annnemarrrie you know what you have to do. Go see a solicitor and get him out.

Even if this is just another emotional affair, its yet again one he is indulging after you told him your boundary. You forgave him once and now you have to act or you are giving him permission to keep doing this until one day he will sleep with another woman.

Your behaviour is understandable and reasonable so far - NOT controlling. You aren't trying to diminish him. You just want him to respect a reasonable boundary not to emotionally engage with another woman outwith your marriage in a manner that is not work related. He cannot do this. He has shown you more than once he cannot.

There is something lacking in him. He is using this other woman and probably others like her to fill a void that your love isn't filling. Let him go. Move on and be with someone who only wants and needs you.

Look at it this way OP, if youd split woh him on 8th Octover, would you be in a better position today than you were then?

Agree with PP saying this is just toxic – the fact you even feel the need to be spying on his messages shows it's not a good or healthy relationship. I don't know the backstory as didn't see your other thread but was he going to her house with nefarious intentions or just...giving her a lift home? Either way, you don't trust him, he clearly hasn't and won't acquiesce to your demands of staying away from this woman so rather than giving him several 'last chances' just end it.

You dont trust him because he lied. Fact.

You dont need to be right about anything to split up.

Lying and not trusting him or just wanting to be on your own are all valid. You dont need a reason or a 'good' reason.

As you get older you realise that life doesnt need to include a man and someone who doesnt make you happy is a good reason to split. You dont need to justify it or for things to be cumulatively bad to break up. Relationships are a bit like clothes and decor....its ok for your taste to change and move on just because the current situation doesnt suit you and more and your standards are higher.

You're right he thinks you'll stay. Partly because of the land. See your solicitor asap

Agree with others saying that this situation is unsustainable regardless. I understand lack of trust due to previous crossing of boundaries, but if you've reached a point where you're checking his phone, imo it's already over anyway. Consult your solicitor.

Based on what you've said alone would be enough for me to leave. Trust your gut on this one. He is very clearly hiding something. Sorry OP, sending hugs.

I was with you until you wrote he’s not allowed new female friends, only ones he was friends with before he met you. That’s odd as fuck and signals issues. The bottom line though is if you have to control your husband like this it’s over, neither of you can live like this.

if you don't trust him then split up - this whole thing is ridiculous - I couldn't be bothered to waste my time going through someone's phone looking for answers - if it's at that point the relationship is gone

Don't know the back story but why was there an issue with him being friends with a work colleague or giving her a lift home anyway? surely that's not usually a big deal - was he actually cheating on you?

You can't live like this OP. Always on the alert, suspicious, physically grabbing phones, insisting on reading messages. I'm not saying you don't have cause for mistrust, but honestly, there's no dignity or peace of mind for you here.

The fact is, you can be as diligent as you like, you can issue any demands you please, but if he wants to continue to engage with this woman, he will. They work together, so that's hours of opportunity to interact in ways you won't like and won't know about. You'll never know if it's appropriate or if they're crossing boundaries.

I think you need to decide once and for all whether you can live with the risk of him cheating on you or if it will continue to be a major concern. If the latter, in your shoes I'd be moving on because I couldn't live with the constant worry and vigilance.

I understand the perspective from some of you on the controlling part. Believe me I am not proud of that. I haven't acted like that in my previous relationships and actually had the other 2 guys I dated doing it to me instead of me doing it to them. I can admit my mistakes but I know I am loyal and I always tell my partner what my boundaries are and its up to him whether to be on the same page or not and have the same values. My husband was the one with these boundaries, although I agreed with him, he has always been the one being firm about these things. Now, I never gave a single breadcrump to a guy but he repeatedly did. First time 4 years ago I wasn't even snooping, he asked me to look up the new kebab shop and when I opened his Facebook it was logged in to an account that wasn't his. Found out he was messaging a girl through that account. I think our marriage wasn't based on trust from the beginning. I am not in his phone snooping around everyday. We've always had eachothers passwords and we were actually doing good the past year and a half but when he started changing in behaviour I knew there was something wrong and yes in that time I snooped. Not good. No excuse. Just my gut feeling telling me something was wrong.

And for the person here that said I am controlling and mean, this is exactly what I stated in my other topic one month ago when someone suggested to contact her: 'Yes that has kept me from doing so. I also didn't want to jump her as although she knows about me, this is my husbands responsibility, not hers. I am just not really a fan of hers after this'

I haven't talked bad about her at all, but this marriage does not look legit and that indicates to me that she would be happy to keep up the 'emotional affair' with my husband.

I haven't seen any hearts, kisses, nothing. Just them teasing eachother and making jokes that you can clearly see from they have a connection. In a way that it is not appropriate. At least not in my eyes. At all. Her texting every night knowing my husband is married + him replying shows me the lack of respect from both of them. Yet again she isn't responsible but I wouldnt do that to a married man out of respect but that's my opinion. And he should know better.

As far as I know my husband didn't get in the house with her, but I would never be sure about that as he just says he didn't. But then yet again he lied about bringing her home and only admitted he brought her home once after I asked, which I later found out he brought her home almost every time they worked together.

I am not the most evil person in the room, I have my mistakes that's for sure, but I always let him roam free up until I can see from his behaviour something was wrong. And that's my mistake. Should've left after the first time of him lying to me.