Husband wants to go part time

[WickyStizard]

I am interested to hear your views, because I am really not sure whether I am unjustifiably feeling pressured here, or whether I should be working harder to understand my Husband's perspective.

Tldr: Husband wants me to get a job (full or part time but significant enough to cover his salary decrease) so he can go part time, and work 3.5 days a week.

Context: My Husband is the main breadwinner, earning just north of 100K + Bonus. Before having kids we both earned in the 50K region, but since kids 5 years ago my salary flat-lined whereas his has accelerated. He also works somewhere with generous paternity leave and after the birth of our 2nd child took a large amount of paternity leave and we took the opportunity to go travelling as a family, which was amazing.

Since we have got back and my husband has returned to work full time he has been putting increasing pressure on me to return to work now that the kids are settled back into school and nursery(3 days a week). He wants to drop from full time to 3.5 days, so he can spend more time with the kids and doing pick ups etc.

He wants me to get a full time or part time role so he can do this. A full time role working remotely would bring in slightly more than the loss of his earnings over the 1.5 days a week, but would take me out of action for 5 days (worst case scenario) or 3 days (best case).

At home, as well as doing drop offs, pick ups, and bed times (he is home late 3 nights out of 5) I also do all the shopping, cooking, washing, most of the cleaning etc.

It's clearly not clear cut, hence the question!

Absolutely, looking after school aged children is a completely different kettle of fish to toddlers. I think it’s fine for the DH to want to go part time (and sounds like family can easily afford to on his salary) but OP should be getting a much free time as him. If she continues to do the lions share of the housework etc then perhaps she could do 2 days a week, if they both do 3.5 days then they need to do 50/50 (which can include outsourcing).
Also think he does need to consider the disadvantage she has in finding fulfilling work. I nearly completely lost my career in order to care for the children (husband worked away) and only by good fortune was able to maintain it. Would be a bit galling just as life getting a bit easier to be then told to work 3-4 days in not particularly interesting or fulfilling work. Equally he certainly shouldn’t have to maintain such a high income so if wants to work part time she should be happy with what is still a more than adequate family income

It’s a huge work burden. This honestly should not be news to anyone including partners at this point. Women have been unpaid domestic slaves for time.
I agree that it is unfair that op has done the hardest years of child rearing whilst keeping house too and now he expects her to do the hardest load of paid work whilst he kicks back now the kids are less draining. Can’t believe I overlooked that myself

No, he is angling for four days off every week - two of which will be child free. I can’t see him spending his time scrubbing the floors and flat out with the ironing, housework and laundry.
I am just amazed so many are this gullible, unless it’s mostly men posting
!!
Or some of us have households with two part time working parents so know it can work and we also have male partners who are more than capable of being hands on parents.

It's a funny thing on here. When a woman stays a home she's super busy and can't so much as pee in peace, but also her job is child care only because she isn't a skivvy, shouldn't be expected to do house stuff beyond the bare minimum, even if the kids are in school. But if a guy says he wants to drop his hours at work to have more time at home (and he already had a good track record of being hands on) then posters are complaining about how he's lazy for wanting to be at home, he shouldn't expect his wife to return to work so he can have time off because there's no way he'd be doing what needs to be done etc.

Golden years my arse.

She had the hard slog years. The “not a minute to myself even to pee” years. Every cup of tea goes cold, you sometime barely get to eat or shower years.

He wants the lovely bit - the drop them at school in the morning, have some time to yourself (in his mind - I don’t think there’s been any indication he’s considering housework), and then pick them up in the afternoon for a debrief on their day. I’m not saying it’s idyllic like that in reality but it sounds like that’s what he has in mind from the OP’s posts.

Yep this

@Lastchancechica keep up the great posts👏.

#reality
#shewillbeback

It appears some postersmay be projecting. 🤣 OP specifically stated they've had equal time off with the kids while they were smaller and she's only been a SAHM for 3 months while looking for a job since they all came back from travelling together. Hardly sounds like her husband abandoned her to do all the early years alone. I'm not one to usually be jumping to men's defence but here you have one wanting to step up and pull his weight domestically and be present for his kids and support the OP in having a career also and being criticised for it! What do those criticising actually want from men then? Bizarre.

You keep repeating this but it doesn’t really ring true. He took 6 months paternity from 6months to 1 year. It’s only been 3 months since then so the second child is still quite young and not in school.

It cannot be the case that OP has done the slog years with “not a minute to pee” but when the the dad he’s just lazing about doing nothing in the same situation.

Agree with this!

I’m not projecting as I’ve worked full time since mine were quite small!

Unfortunately in many ways but necessary.

here you have one wanting to step up and pull his weight domestically and be present for his kids and support the OP in having a career

He doesn't want to 'support OP in a career' he wants her to work full time so he can drop to part time. Not everyone has a 'career' -OP has a relatively low paying job and he wants her to work full time for comparatively low rewards, for his benefit.

He's not offering to do her a favour- he's trying to make her do something she doesn't want to do because it has limited returns for her on the amount of time and effort involved.

OP, take your time and do the math very carefully.

Experience tells me to doubt he is thinking of your best interests in any of this.

Read carefully the posts that reflect this.

Hope for the best, be prepared for the worst would be wise.

I’d do it, and I do, I work full time and my OH works part time. He does more chores at home as a result. We’re a team and he’s a great dad. More dads need to do this for equality to happen, it works both ways in my opinion.

Ummmm... she was earning £50k. If she can go back 3-4 days per week and has him also part time and picking up his share at home there's no reason she can't catch up with his earnings: she specifically said they earned the same pre-children.

I assume in couples where the man works less, usually that would be because he has less earning potential than the woman, or less ability to work. Neither is the case with OP's 'husband.'

I assume in couples where the man works less, usually that would be because he has less earning potential than the woman, or less ability to work. Neither is the case with OP's 'husband.'
Not in our case, or any of our friends who have two parents working part time.

The more men work flexibly, go part time and play an active role in their children' lives, the more we move away from the idea of mother as default parent.

I’m not projecting as I’ve worked full time since mine were quite small!

I didn't say you were projecting. I said it seems many posters are because they have made comments that are not relevant to the situation the OP has described.

Your own comments though do assert that the OP has done the hard work in the pre-school years and wants "his turn" now it is easier, when she stated her husband and her have had equal time off with the kids. And that he "wants a reset now the kids are in school" when one of them is nowhere near school age per the OP's posts. So if not projecting, perhaps reading the thread properly might help to give useful advice based on the situation the OP actually described. Other posters have repeatedly said how she'll have to work full time to make up the money lost by him dropping a day or a day and a half despite me and other posters having pointed out several times that this is not the case at all based on the earnings the OP quoted because of the insane tax rates at £100k especially if they have children in nursery: they may actually have MORE net income after tax and childcare by him working less because the tax rate can be over 100%.

Yes, and the more the motherhood penalty in careers and the gender pay gap will decrease.

This.

A couple of the posters on the last few pages are just either projecting about their own lives or have some underlying agenda.

All this rubbish about the OP being home for the most challenging part is clearly showing they haven't even read the OP's posts as she has stated she hasn't been a SAHM, but went back to work between dcs 1 and 2.

He would only be doing OP a favour if she wanted to do that (which she doesn't.)

Well, that's not what she said either, is it?

OP has stated she would actually like to progress with a fulfilling career.

Sorry but I couldn't stand this. My husband is a real man and works full-time as it should be. Women are now their worst enemy and men are taking advantage.

You’re not wrong.

Women like you are women’s worst enemy.

A real man? As opposed to an unreal man. Are you some kind of trad wifey then?
PS - Men aren’t necessarily nicer the more hours they work, it’s not cumulative accumulator. Hours worked doesnt = charm