Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to go part time

425 replies

WickyStizard · 02/11/2023 11:52

I am interested to hear your views, because I am really not sure whether I am unjustifiably feeling pressured here, or whether I should be working harder to understand my Husband's perspective.

Tldr: Husband wants me to get a job (full or part time but significant enough to cover his salary decrease) so he can go part time, and work 3.5 days a week.

Context: My Husband is the main breadwinner, earning just north of 100K + Bonus. Before having kids we both earned in the 50K region, but since kids 5 years ago my salary flat-lined whereas his has accelerated. He also works somewhere with generous paternity leave and after the birth of our 2nd child took a large amount of paternity leave and we took the opportunity to go travelling as a family, which was amazing.

Since we have got back and my husband has returned to work full time he has been putting increasing pressure on me to return to work now that the kids are settled back into school and nursery(3 days a week). He wants to drop from full time to 3.5 days, so he can spend more time with the kids and doing pick ups etc.

He wants me to get a full time or part time role so he can do this. A full time role working remotely would bring in slightly more than the loss of his earnings over the 1.5 days a week, but would take me out of action for 5 days (worst case scenario) or 3 days (best case).

At home, as well as doing drop offs, pick ups, and bed times (he is home late 3 nights out of 5) I also do all the shopping, cooking, washing, most of the cleaning etc.

It's clearly not clear cut, hence the question!

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 02/11/2023 22:37

WillyWonkaBlues · 02/11/2023 22:29

Sorry but I couldn't stand this. My husband is a real man and works full-time as it should be. Women are now their worst enemy and men are taking advantage.

What ?????

I mean, you are winding us up, right ?

Fifireee · 02/11/2023 22:39

I want my husband to do this but he's reluctant. I think he needs a break and I'm happy to go full time.
If you could both go part-time and decide up the house stuff it sounds ideal.

Nepmarthiturn · 02/11/2023 23:09

WillyWonkaBlues · 02/11/2023 22:29

Sorry but I couldn't stand this. My husband is a real man and works full-time as it should be. Women are now their worst enemy and men are taking advantage.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Nepmarthiturn · 02/11/2023 23:10

Let me guess @WillyWonkaBlues you don't work full time, yet consider yourself a "real woman"?

You might want to get that sexism looked at, it's ugly.

Nepmarthiturn · 02/11/2023 23:13

One wonders what would happen to her husband if he didn't work full time, and became unreal. Would he just fade away into oblivion like Bingbong in Inside Out, or melt like the Wicked Witch of the West? Become a hologram? Or - the horror - grow a vagina?

porridgeisbae · 02/11/2023 23:39

Most men would want to earn what they could for their family- unless maybe the wife had much more earning potential than a husband, and by staying home more to help with childcare etc the husband could help facilitate them earning more as a family. Even then, I'd expect most men who earn a lower wage than their wives must be embarrassed on some level if they're honest.

mn29 · 02/11/2023 23:53

It’s not unreasonable for him to want to go part time and for you to also work part time. All the household work/childcare would need to be equally split too, though.

Birch101 · 02/11/2023 23:57

Thing is you can't get time back.... what's that saying when you look back at your life are you going to say I wish I spent more time at work.... I think I would be open to it but would only work max 4 days a week

Although I will say I'd make it clear that working 3.5 days means that once it hits lunchtime on day 3 it's sign off from work till Monday. Some people/employers don't handle PT very well.

I'd think of the positive contributions he could make e.g. actively getting involved in school activities, having long family weekends away, sharing house and life admin.

Nepmarthiturn · 03/11/2023 00:35

porridgeisbae · 02/11/2023 23:39

Most men would want to earn what they could for their family- unless maybe the wife had much more earning potential than a husband, and by staying home more to help with childcare etc the husband could help facilitate them earning more as a family. Even then, I'd expect most men who earn a lower wage than their wives must be embarrassed on some level if they're honest.

Edited

Why do you think men want to "earn as much as they can for their family" but women do not?

Why would you expect men to be embarrassed if their wife earned more than them?

Please explain.

Nepmarthiturn · 03/11/2023 00:39

Why does being born with a penis mean one should expect to earn more money and be embarrassed if one doesn't? Does your husband use his cock a lot as part of his career? Does he speak with it? Use it for typing on a computer or making presentations or for building things? Is it where his brain is located?

AmazingSnakeHead · 03/11/2023 01:16

porridgeisbae · 02/11/2023 23:39

Most men would want to earn what they could for their family- unless maybe the wife had much more earning potential than a husband, and by staying home more to help with childcare etc the husband could help facilitate them earning more as a family. Even then, I'd expect most men who earn a lower wage than their wives must be embarrassed on some level if they're honest.

Edited

Personally I find it sad and "un-manly" when men are so insecure about their identity that they need to earn more than their own wife. It shows me they have bought into a patriarchal system and believe that women are inferior to them. Why else would it be embarassing? There is nothing attractive about a man who needs to squash my potential, and my financial contribution to our joint family and joint goals, in order to feel that he is fulfiling his own potential. There is nothing attractive about a man who believes himself my superior, in virtue of his sex. Men like that are pathetic.

Nepmarthiturn · 03/11/2023 01:37

👏👏👏

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/11/2023 01:45

porridgeisbae · 02/11/2023 23:39

Most men would want to earn what they could for their family- unless maybe the wife had much more earning potential than a husband, and by staying home more to help with childcare etc the husband could help facilitate them earning more as a family. Even then, I'd expect most men who earn a lower wage than their wives must be embarrassed on some level if they're honest.

Edited

WTF? You think my dh should be embarrassed because I earn more than he does? Thankfully, I didn't marry the kind of sexist, misogynistic twat that would be threatened by his wife's success. I'm so sorry that your experience has only exposed you to men who think in this backward way.

Coffeerum · 03/11/2023 07:03

porridgeisbae · 02/11/2023 23:39

Most men would want to earn what they could for their family- unless maybe the wife had much more earning potential than a husband, and by staying home more to help with childcare etc the husband could help facilitate them earning more as a family. Even then, I'd expect most men who earn a lower wage than their wives must be embarrassed on some level if they're honest.

Edited

You’re embarrassing.

MamaBear4ever · 03/11/2023 07:10

If finacially viable split everything 50 50 work the same hours have time with children same hours and fair split of the chores. You shouldn't have to work FT because you earn less, probably because you have taken time out for pregnancy

CarpetSlipper · 03/11/2023 07:16

Fine for him to want to drop 1.5 days but he can’t insist that you work 5 days to cover his loss in wages. If neither of you want to work full time then you both need to accept that you will have a lower household income.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/11/2023 07:20

MamaBear4ever · 03/11/2023 07:10

If finacially viable split everything 50 50 work the same hours have time with children same hours and fair split of the chores. You shouldn't have to work FT because you earn less, probably because you have taken time out for pregnancy

To be fair, the OP said that he has taken time out of work as well:

Just a point of clarification, he has had the same time off work for paternity leave as I have had for maternity leave in the last 5 years. I worked between the birth of DC1 and DC2. The only time I have been a SAHP is for the last 3 months.

So we don't really know the reason why her salary has fallen behind.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/11/2023 07:24

CarpetSlipper · 03/11/2023 07:16

Fine for him to want to drop 1.5 days but he can’t insist that you work 5 days to cover his loss in wages. If neither of you want to work full time then you both need to accept that you will have a lower household income.

I think this is fair. You could both work 3.5 days and accept a drop in household income. Alternatively, could a compromise be that you both work 4 days instead?

WrongSwanson · 03/11/2023 07:27

I'd only go back part time though.

Otherwise, and hopefully it won't happen, but if you separate he might end up as the resident parent

I don't see why you have to work enough to make up for the full loss of pay. I would have thought due to tax it wouldn't be a simple switch anyway. And with a reasonable household income it could be about belt tightening as much as about the hours you work

WrongSwanson · 03/11/2023 07:27

I'd only go back part time though.

Otherwise, and hopefully it won't happen, but if you separate he might end up as the resident parent

I don't see why you have to work enough to make up for the full loss of pay. I would have thought due to tax it wouldn't be a simple switch anyway. And with a reasonable household income it could be about belt tightening as much as about the hours you work

JackMummy12 · 03/11/2023 08:30

Wow. I think both working part time is a dream. I don’t necessarily think you should go full time as I think it completely defeats the object of him becoming part time but you both being part time sounds great. My husband and I would love to be in this position especially if we could manage at least one day the same being off together so we could spend time together too.

Mugaloaf · 03/11/2023 09:05

If you're able to find a part time role I think that would be fair. I think it would be unfair for you to have to go back full time.

It's great that he wants to be more involved instead of using a busy, important job as an excuse. ❤️😊

hjytrjulykuyh · 03/11/2023 09:27

This sounds great to me. Both working, both have time with the kids. Ideally you'd both work somewhat part-time and share the load. Can't get behind criticising a parent for wanting to spend proper time with their kids while they're young instead of working all hours.

You've got a good 'un there, OP.

AnotherEmma · 03/11/2023 09:41

DH and I are both part time, with young children, and it works really well. He's the higher earner and works 4 days a week - any less wouldn't make sense financially. (And I think once DC2 starts school it would make more sense for him to do 4.5 days and have some early finishes to collect the kids from school, but we'll discuss that when the time comes.) I work 3 days a week and would like to increase to 4 days at some point. Personally I enjoy working - I like my job and it keeps me sane tbh, it feels like a break from parenting! - and I find that 3 days a week gives me a good work-life balance. I don't earn much but that's ok at this stage (I hope to increase my earnings as my children get older and I'm happy to work more hours etc.)

Would your DH consider 4 days? He'd get 1 day a week with the youngest and doing the school run.

If you do manage to find a part time job I would strongly advise you not to work on Mondays. Because of bank holidays it means you'll end up with extra annual leave to use when it suits you. Plus a lot of school inset days are on Mondays.

As you've been doing pretty much everything at home for the last few months, you will of course need to talk to him about division of labour if and when you start a paid job.

Good luck.

Montegufoni2017 · 03/11/2023 11:20

Your Husband sounds like a wonderful Dad and Husband. He wants to be home more, be with you all more and that’s wonderful. So many men are the opposite!
do your best to find a part time role and ensure he knows that house chores now need to be divided equally. I think you should support him in this 100%, encourage it completely.