Husband wants to go part time

[WickyStizard]

I am interested to hear your views, because I am really not sure whether I am unjustifiably feeling pressured here, or whether I should be working harder to understand my Husband's perspective.

Tldr: Husband wants me to get a job (full or part time but significant enough to cover his salary decrease) so he can go part time, and work 3.5 days a week.

Context: My Husband is the main breadwinner, earning just north of 100K + Bonus. Before having kids we both earned in the 50K region, but since kids 5 years ago my salary flat-lined whereas his has accelerated. He also works somewhere with generous paternity leave and after the birth of our 2nd child took a large amount of paternity leave and we took the opportunity to go travelling as a family, which was amazing.

Since we have got back and my husband has returned to work full time he has been putting increasing pressure on me to return to work now that the kids are settled back into school and nursery(3 days a week). He wants to drop from full time to 3.5 days, so he can spend more time with the kids and doing pick ups etc.

He wants me to get a full time or part time role so he can do this. A full time role working remotely would bring in slightly more than the loss of his earnings over the 1.5 days a week, but would take me out of action for 5 days (worst case scenario) or 3 days (best case).

At home, as well as doing drop offs, pick ups, and bed times (he is home late 3 nights out of 5) I also do all the shopping, cooking, washing, most of the cleaning etc.

It's clearly not clear cut, hence the question!

You’d need to do the numbers but I suspect you have 9-10k net income and have lost child benefit and 30 hours childcare. If you earned around 60k each you might be better off

He sounds a bit lazy to be honest, not attractive.

The timing is pivotal here. He waits until the back breaking exhausting part of child rearing is over - the 247 exhaustion and conveniently suggests going part time the minute they go to nursery and school. Call me cynical but that is in no way an accident. Why didn’t he suggest this years ago? How much bonding will take place between drop off and pick up whilst they are at nursery and school?

Abso-fucking-lutely @Lastchancechica

Convenient timing indeed. Most of us ramp up the hours when they go to school 🧐

Lazy? He solely carried the financial burden facilitated her being a housewife
Hes been responsible and solely carried that that’s an indication of hardworking & reliable, time op step up stop making excuses. She’s avoidant of working looking for excuses. Buoyed along by other work shy women who are happy for someone else to do the heavy lifting

Just a point of clarification, he has had the same time off work for paternity leave as I have had for maternity leave in the last 5 years. I worked between the birth of DC1 and DC2. The only time I have been a SAHP is for the last 3 months.

I don't think you read the OPs posts @Zone2NorthLondon

Doesn't sound particularly work shy to me. He sounds like he fancies a few days at home while the kids are in school.

How? He's working and providing financially for his family. Strange definition of lazy.

No, he is angling for four days off every week - two of which will be child free. I can’t see him spending his time scrubbing the floors and flat out with the ironing, housework and laundry.

I am just amazed so many are this gullible, unless it’s mostly men posting!!

Ha! So she gets the tough bit, with tiny ones at home full time, sometimes more than one. And he gets to go part time and have his “turn”, when it’s much easier, and he’s just doing picks up? Maybe he envisages relaxing in between? Is he planning to pick up alot of this housework etc in his days off work?

The other problem is, that it would take her a lot more hours to earn what he is earning- so his 1.5 days off would take her 5 days to match in salary - because she’s sacrificed her earning power to do the tougher early years shift with multiple children.

So overall they’ll be less time when a parent js “off” than there currently is.

Amazing many men want to “reset” once kids are at school and want to act as though all things are now equal.

It’s just depressing that so many pp can’t see this. Really worrying given the volume of threads with struggling mothers left doing it all!!!

He sounds a bit lazy to be honest, not attractive.

How do you work that out ?

No, he is angling for four days off every week - two of which will be child free. I can’t see him spending his time scrubbing the floors and flat out with the ironing, housework and laundry.

I am just amazed so many are this gullible, unless it’s mostly men posting!!

Talk about making stuff up which is completely the opposite of what the OP has said. Clearly on your own agenda here.

I really hope the Op comes back and sees the further posts that confirm she’s not being unreasonable. So many posters early on desperate to be “equalist” between men and women, without seeing they aren’t comparing like with like.

I think you needed to discuss this before marriage/children.
Dh and I both agreed if we had dc I would be a SAHM and then we had the dc.
I wouldn't go back on it now, as I would struggle as a working parent and he understood this before we made the decision.

I really hope the Op comes back and sees the further posts that confirm she’s not being unreasonable.

She's already come back on P6, thanking people for helping her see that she is.
Very unusual on AIBU these days, but good to see.

It’s not my agenda at all. It’s clear as day what’s going to happen.

She will be back

He earns well enough for him to do 3.5 days and you can work part time. Perfect balance surely? I can't see the issue.

I’ve seen that. That’s why I really hope she comes back and sees the more thoughtful, considered posts confirming that in fact she isn’t at all unreasonable, and her “DH” is trying to take her for a ride.

What did you agree to before kids?

The issue is she would need to work full time to make up the income he’d earn in the 1.5 days. Because his earning potential has so far outstripped hers over the years she’s been at home doing all the hard bits. His idea isn’t that she’ll work the 1.5 days he doesn’t work, that would be a very different and more reasonable prospect.

A pp had a good plan where they assume working the same hours as one another, and setting that at however much they’d have to work of those equal hours to make the amount they want/ need to as a family. But for that to work, they’d have to be clear that all income is joint, and that housework, childcare etc are all split equally - so they both end up with equal leisure time and equal disposable money. And it would have to be done with a good grace that allows for why the OP’s earning power is lesser at the moment.

He wants time with his kids. You had the golden years of them being babies now it's his turn. Since he won't be working a lot he can also clean ect

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I think as long as OP goes back to part time work and outlines to him that the house chores will need to be split... I reckon he would agree.

Golden years?? What am I reading??

Think the same thing 🤣

Awww the golden years. What sepia toned rubbish

I am convinced armies of men come on here to convince us all that they need to work part time, whilst we work full time to support their well deserved 4 days off, after we have taken a massive career hit, carried two pregnancies and got through the hardest part of no sleep and breastfeeding all night for years on end only for dh to announce just as the kids go to school/nursery - it’s ‘his turn’ and it just so happens to mean very little actual childcare - hey presto that’s equality for you! Go us!