Husband wants to go part time

[WickyStizard]

I am interested to hear your views, because I am really not sure whether I am unjustifiably feeling pressured here, or whether I should be working harder to understand my Husband's perspective.

Tldr: Husband wants me to get a job (full or part time but significant enough to cover his salary decrease) so he can go part time, and work 3.5 days a week.

Context: My Husband is the main breadwinner, earning just north of 100K + Bonus. Before having kids we both earned in the 50K region, but since kids 5 years ago my salary flat-lined whereas his has accelerated. He also works somewhere with generous paternity leave and after the birth of our 2nd child took a large amount of paternity leave and we took the opportunity to go travelling as a family, which was amazing.

Since we have got back and my husband has returned to work full time he has been putting increasing pressure on me to return to work now that the kids are settled back into school and nursery(3 days a week). He wants to drop from full time to 3.5 days, so he can spend more time with the kids and doing pick ups etc.

He wants me to get a full time or part time role so he can do this. A full time role working remotely would bring in slightly more than the loss of his earnings over the 1.5 days a week, but would take me out of action for 5 days (worst case scenario) or 3 days (best case).

At home, as well as doing drop offs, pick ups, and bed times (he is home late 3 nights out of 5) I also do all the shopping, cooking, washing, most of the cleaning etc.

It's clearly not clear cut, hence the question!

Both working 4 days a week makes sense to me, covers the 2 days dc isn't at nursery

You’re a team and this is 2023 not 1953. He’s as much a parent as you are and I would fully support him in wanting the same time as you get with the kids. You don’t have the monopoly on that just because you’re the mother.

Assuming he’s going to pitch in with the chores etc as well it’s a reasonable request. Just as it’s wrong for women to feel pressured to do all the childcare and be the ‘housewife’, it’s also wrong to expect the man to be the main breadwinner and miss time with his children.

Teamwork makes the dream work.

YABU.

The “not a minute to myself even to pee” years. Every cup of tea goes cold, you sometime barely get to eat or shower years.

I don't remember this about the 7 years I spent as a SAHP at all, maybe if you have a 10 bed house and 6 children but with just 2-3 children, it's really not that bad.

I would go with working part time OP, maybe 3-4 days similar to your husband, I also think it's great that that he can be home more, and share the household jobs.

So you don’t work and he does full time at the mo?
Itotally understand his request. The household stuff would then be split more equally and wouldn’t be all on you.
why should you have all the time off with the kids? He obvs wants it too. Even more so cos he had amazing paternity. He feels like he’s just working and getting no time with them.
we both work part time so we both get time with our kids. Times have changed, it doesn’t have to be a traditional set up anymore.

Agree with this. must be such a nice life!! I’d love it haha

So you would have to work 5 days to bring home the same money as he does in 1.5? That’s madness. I think that if both your children are in school or nursery it’s hard not to justify going back part time but the maths of doing full time so he can go part time don’t seem to stack up. (If I understood you correctly)
Also beware - if my husband went PT he’d probably try to be on the golf course during those freed up hours and I’d still be the one doing most household chores….

Van you earn £400 plus a day ? If not then you're losing out.

I suggest you go part-time assuming you can earn well and he works full time.

That way you retire earlier.

Having a job would be great for you, great for your husband and your family.
Stop being selfish and get a part time job.

A sahp with kids mostly in school and nursery sounds like a very nice life! You are totally U and your husband sounds like he’s very reasonable. However if you go back to work you should agree a chores split between you, he can’t expect you to keep doing all the housework.

Jesus. 100k a year? My hub & I earned less than 20k between us when our kids were small

You have to be crystal clear with DH that everything you do now is split 50:50. If he’s working only PT he can do a major clean 1 day a week unless you get a cleaner. He’s not factoring wifework into the total.

Assuming he’s going to pitch in with the chores etc as well it’s a reasonable request.

I think that’s a naive assumption. I’m fairly sure he’s not assuming that. He’s just thinking he’s going to spend more time with the kids while OP does wifework + paid work.

I would go back to work and let your husband go part time, but I would make it clear that he needs to take on half on the housework, shopping, etc.
To be honest, I would be going back regardless. I really wouldn’t want to be financially dependent on anyone else once the kids were at school. I’ve seen too many friends give up work or go part time after having children and relying on their husbands to then find themselves in a difficult position when their marriages broke down. I’m not saying this will happen, but it’s better to be prepared for worst case scenarios.

I think his request is reasonable and fair. Obviously you’d need to work out your earning potential and split the household choirs to reflect it but yes, they’re at school so why can’t you help out and let him step back from work?

Both part time. Split the chores 50/50.

I applied for a ft job recently. On interview I was told its compressed days ie 36 hours over 4 days not 5. I then went gung ho to land it and was lucky enough to get it.

It's with a government catapult, so I'm thinking there must be other jobs like this around...

That’s not really relevant to this post though is it. People live within their means. Just because you earned less doesn’t mean OP and her family should be content to do the same.

Sorry, didn’t realise you knew OP and her partner in real life; you should have said.

Or maybe you’re making biased and stereotypical assumptions yourself?

I dont think its unreasonable asking to split the responsibility for childcare, and generating income between you both. Whether a 50/50 split would work is debatable considering you dint have the same earning power as him.
The net effect could be a bit of a drop in family income but if you're both up for that a more even division sounds ok. He does understand though that there are household chores, planning and eg cooking that go with being the SAH parent. It's not all trips to the park.

Or maybe you’re just young.

When my son was born my husband worked full time and I was a stay at home mum. However, our son is disabled so requires full time care.
After a few years my husband wanted to be more involved in our son's care (he had to miss a lot of appointments due to not being able to get time off work).
So he went down to part time and I started working from home part time.
As my work load increased I started making more money than my husband.
So now I work full time from home and my husband has given up work and become a full time carer for our son.
Life has definitely become easier since my husband has been able to be more involved.

Interesting that he wants to drop his hours now they're in school and childcare when presumably he'd get some hours during the day to himself. Why didn't he do this when they were babies and it was a hard slog?

I think that’s a naive assumption. I’m fairly sure he’s not assuming that. He’s just thinking he’s going to spend more time with the kids while OP does wifework + paid work

It's not a naive assumption at all.
Why on earth would you think that ?

Perhaps you have sadly had poor experience or a man yourself, but surely you can see that doesn't apply to all men? Sorry for your experience, but it is a natural assumption, not a niave one.

O, and I can't speak for the other poster, but I am definitely not young.

We earn nowhere near that salary but we both work a four day week (Wednesday to Saturday and Sunday to Wednesday) so we have equal childcare duties/pick ups/housework.

It sounds like your roles may be weekdays but you could still work four day weeks (one has Monday off, the other Friday) so it’s totally fair.

Approach it logically. Make a list...an exhaustive list...of all the things that you do during the course of each day/week, and then make a list of what HE would have to take over if working part-time while you work full-time. Be a bit generous with yourself. When faced with that list, he MAY decide to rethink this.