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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m not a Personal assistant

150 replies

Fuckedoffwithtwats · 02/11/2023 10:35

I do the majority of admin for the household as I don’t work. Dh works and if he has to do any of his own admin struggles but I always tell him he needs to do these things.

I have to remind him of the of appts etc.

He has had a work trip planned for ages. I did tell him to make sure he kept all the things for this in ONE place with his passport . Anyway he can’t find it - this is MY fault apparently. He says he didn’t lose it (well nobody else has had it so he did!). I’ve told him it’s not up to me and I’m not cancelling my plans to help him look (due to go tomorrow).

im not his PA !

OP posts:
Biasquia · 02/11/2023 10:39

Nope not his PA. Where does he get the idea that you are? You have given a lot of background about your relationship setup is that part of the problem do you think? Has he gotten used to being minded that he now expects it.

amberisola · 02/11/2023 10:40

Oh dear. How ridiculous for a grown man to be unable to sort out his own stuff for a work trip. (Although you telling him to make sure he keeps his stuff in one place makes him sound about ten years old!) Of course YANBU to let him deal with it.

Original poster
Fuckedoffwithtwats · 02/11/2023 10:42

I think as I (obviously) do all my own admin plus the dc but I have to remind him to do his as otherwise he doesn’t ! But this is a new low. There aren’t even that many places it could be as our house is a tiny 2 bed and it’s not cluttered so maybe he’s taken it out and lost it as it wouldn’t be hard to locate if it was in the house !

OP posts:
AlohaRose · 02/11/2023 10:42

Where are the rest of the passports? Are they not all kept together in one place?

ElizaWinter · 02/11/2023 10:47

Has he used it for ID for something? Or to check if it was in date? He must have moved it.

I feel your pain. So many baby men in the world, passed from mother to wife.

Original poster
Fuckedoffwithtwats · 02/11/2023 10:53

AlohaRose · 02/11/2023 10:42

Where are the rest of the passports? Are they not all kept together in one place?

Only me and dh have passports , mine is in a cupboard where I keep all the important things - when he renewed his I know he took it upstairs and it was in the bedroom which was when I said he needed to put it somewhere safe and again when the work trip was booked

OP posts:
Florabundance · 02/11/2023 11:21

If you're good enough to take on this responsibility,then get treated like this, I think the answer going forward is to absolve yourself from all further admin responsibilities other than your own. My ex was very much like this, if something went well he took the credit, but if something went pear shaped it was always my fault, my solution - "do it yourself" !

TorroFerney · 02/11/2023 11:21

Fuckedoffwithtwats · 02/11/2023 10:42

I think as I (obviously) do all my own admin plus the dc but I have to remind him to do his as otherwise he doesn’t ! But this is a new low. There aren’t even that many places it could be as our house is a tiny 2 bed and it’s not cluttered so maybe he’s taken it out and lost it as it wouldn’t be hard to locate if it was in the house !

Day to day Id not remind him, unless something that will adversely affect you. You are saying you aren’t his pa but you are a ring like one and taking the responsibility for stuff. It’s made him lazy , he needs consequences. That sounds like I’m blaming you I’m not it’s often how we are socially conditioned.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/11/2023 11:23

YANBU why do some men treat their wives like their mothers? It's disgusting.

Ihateslugs · 02/11/2023 11:25

I think however annoyed I felt, I would still help him look for his passport if I was at home and had time. It’s a work trip so obviously important rather than a social jaunt when it might be OK to leave him to sort it out. But then I have always been a walk over type of person!

NutellaRose · 02/11/2023 11:33

Ihateslugs · 02/11/2023 11:25

I think however annoyed I felt, I would still help him look for his passport if I was at home and had time. It’s a work trip so obviously important rather than a social jaunt when it might be OK to leave him to sort it out. But then I have always been a walk over type of person!

This is me too, I'm afraid. I just couldn't sit and watch whilst another family member frantically looked for something important!

amberisola · 02/11/2023 11:35

If my DH had lost his passport I would help him look. But I wouldn't be taking responsibility for keeping track of it, and I wouldn't help at all if spoken to as if I was his PA.

It's a shame that you feel like you have to tell him to do things or he just won't do them. Would it impact you if he forgot? If not I'd leave him to it and let him deal with any consequences. He might suddenly become less 'forgetful' then.

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 02/11/2023 11:41

Ihateslugs · 02/11/2023 11:25

I think however annoyed I felt, I would still help him look for his passport if I was at home and had time. It’s a work trip so obviously important rather than a social jaunt when it might be OK to leave him to sort it out. But then I have always been a walk over type of person!

So would I. I would need an apology if he spoke to me badly, but I wouldn’t watch him suffer and not lift a finger. There would be a degree of “I told you so!” About it though!

Izzy24 · 02/11/2023 11:45

My DH would love to find the wormhole that would transport us to the 1950s.

He’s not going to.

SlowRelease · 02/11/2023 11:52

You married a...... manchild.

arintingly · 02/11/2023 11:55

Ihateslugs · 02/11/2023 11:25

I think however annoyed I felt, I would still help him look for his passport if I was at home and had time. It’s a work trip so obviously important rather than a social jaunt when it might be OK to leave him to sort it out. But then I have always been a walk over type of person!

I would help my DH look for it if he acknowledged it was his responsibility and he was looking for it too. But I wouldn't cancel my own plans to help him. And I certainly wouldn't if he was blaming me which the OP's DH is

stormteacupandcake · 02/11/2023 11:59

TomatoSandwiches · 02/11/2023 11:23

YANBU why do some men treat their wives like their mothers? It's disgusting.

guessing for the same reasons some women treat their husbands like their fathers,

expecting them to be solely dealing with anything DIY/ Tax/ Finance/ Car/ Gardening related

Doggymummar · 02/11/2023 12:01

A weekend work trip is a bit rough, 😕 I think I would pray he had lost it.

FrenchandSaunders · 02/11/2023 12:04

I'd help him look so I could have a few days without him.

Longdarkcloud · 02/11/2023 12:05

@TomatoSandwiches To be fair, many husbands insist on taking over these admin chores on the basis that ‘she’ either is incompetent or won’t do it to his standard.
Then if he is slow in competing the task and is reminded then she is nagging!

fearfuloffluff · 02/11/2023 12:11

YANBU, I'd be helping DH to look if he lost his as a matter of decency but with your DH's attitude, fuck him!

Don't remind him of appointments. Let him miss them if he's not organised enough to remind himself. It's the only way he'll learn.

user1497207191 · 02/11/2023 12:15

stormteacupandcake · 02/11/2023 11:59

guessing for the same reasons some women treat their husbands like their fathers,

expecting them to be solely dealing with anything DIY/ Tax/ Finance/ Car/ Gardening related

Show quote history

Sadly, very true!

There've been quite a few threads on here over the years of women blaming their husbands for him not renewing HER car insurance, forgetting to get HER car MOT'd, not dealing with a punctured tyre on HER car, etc.

I think it works both ways.

Viviennemary · 02/11/2023 12:20

The point is it's an unbalanced set up. He earns the money you do everything else. If I was supporting somebody financially I'd expect them to sort things out and make life easy for me.

katseyes7 · 02/11/2023 12:37

I think the OP may be married to my ex husband.

Ssmiler · 02/11/2023 12:40

Someone I knew missed a trip a lot of years ago because their passport couldn’t be found the night before. It turned out he’d taken it to his office as he needed to scan it / produce it as ID for some financial things he was dealing with. He forgot to bring it home again. Any possibility it’s at his work for any reason? Or in his work bag from any previous trips?

And no it’s not your responsibility to look - same thing goes on here here where apparently I am everyone’s PA. Resist that nonsense OP