I’m not a Personal assistant

[Fuckedoffwithtwats]

I do the majority of admin for the household as I don’t work. Dh works and if he has to do any of his own admin struggles but I always tell him he needs to do these things.

I have to remind him of the of appts etc.

He has had a work trip planned for ages. I did tell him to make sure he kept all the things for this in ONE place with his passport . Anyway he can’t find it - this is MY fault apparently. He says he didn’t lose it (well nobody else has had it so he did!). I’ve told him it’s not up to me and I’m not cancelling my plans to help him look (due to go tomorrow).

im not his PA !

Sorry but did you miss the part where he blamed her for losing it??!? Why on earth should she be nice to him when he speaks to her like that? No thanks

And then sort out your exit plan.

If he really can't organise his stuff then he should leave it to you to take charge. That would be reasonable.

What he's doing is acting like a spoilt toddler: he refuses to take responsibility but wants to be in control. He is expecting you to be responsible for his actions, which is not reasonable.

OP, for your sake if for no other reason, you need to sit him down and explain that you need to be in charge of what you are responsible for.

You will know whst you need to do by his reaction.

guessing for the same reasons some women treat their husbands like their fathers,

expecting them to be solely dealing with anything DIY/ Tax/ Finance/ Car/ Gardening related

That's a brave statement that won't go down well, true as it is! Some women have a very limited view on what it takes to run a home.

If you lived in my house you'd hear me regularly telling DH, 'Fuck off, I'm not your PA'. I heartily recommend it.

Plenty of people manage to raise kids and contribute to household finances.

Why don't you get a job, and then both of you look after your own admin? Maybe then he could be relieved of the pressure of having to work weekends as he is having to do here.

I note he is set to travel out on Friday - so he has to look forward to having to work all through the weekend whilst you stay at home. Perhaps he works so hard and is under so much pressure, he can hardly think about much else, and is relieved if you manage the admin - and keeping passports in order could easily be regarded as admin.

Do you think he is your personal slave, providing you with roof, food, clothes, paying the bills? What if he turned around and said that, after all, plenty of mums work, sometimes from home, and you only have a small house to clean.

Not a big deal for you to help him, especially since it looks like he has enough to think about. You don't say what your plans are for the weekend, but unlike him, you're not having to go to work, are you.

Especially if it was missing.

Fulfilling different roles in a marriage is about partnership and a successful partnership is where both individusls respect the other.

That is not happening here. OP has bedn reduced to a general factotum/ skivvy and her other half needs to rocket up his arse. If she leaves OP will be fine. DH, on ghe other hand, may have a rude shock ahead.

As an afterthought, I would want to query a weekend business trip. Perhaps a little challenge for OP's ingenuity ...

Outandontheotherside · Today 13:15

Nobody has said raising kids is worthless. But if OP is at home anyway, looking after children, it wouldn't kill her to help him and have a look. It's just common decency, particularly if he's out earning the money to allow her to stay at home?

Agree!

I've single handedly managed and done works on all our renovated homes throughout the years, my husband only learnt how to install an electric shower this summer.
The women I know don't hand over or expect their husbands to deal with Repairs or DIY, in fact I only know one of the men that can actually do DIY decently the rest are useless at it and cause more issues when they try.
I know plenty of expectant men who treat their wives or girlfriends like surrogate mothers on a daily basis and even think it's funny to be so pathetic.

He can only work so much because she absolves him of daytime childcare ffs.

You are making assumptions about daytime care for the child. OP hasn't said what whose arrangements are with regard to nursery, parent help etc. Lots of mothers work, the point still stands. She could also WFH. She doesn't. It wouldn't harm her to help her husband. Nobody is perfect.

That old chestnut again.

Mine keeps ALL important stuff on his desk - its like a towering inferno of paper and crap - can he ever find anything....takes a while. PP used regularly so usually OK but anything else... Spent a long time looking for his Mums birth certificate as he needed it for something and couldn't find. I was getting "accused" of filing it. I knew where it was but I made him sweat and stamp and storm for 3 days (wasn't urgent urgent) I even said have you tried "here" and he refused to even look. I finally walked in lifted it and shoved it under his nose. Infuriating

Perhaps he flies out on a Friday to get a weekend sightseeing (child free) whilst OP stuck at home AGAIN on her own doing childcare after a full week of it and another full week to come. He is a grown up he should look after his own crap

Could it be in a printer somewhere? Did he need a copy of it? That's normally where I find my docs.

I wouldn’t let my husband near any diy….his idea of diy is to stick it together or fill it up with tissue. He has no patience
The car. We can both do water, oil, tires stuff like that. Otherwise it’s a mechanic.
We use an electrician for anything electrical. Except for changing light bulbs and fuses
We use a plumber for plumbing although I have plumbed in a kitchen sink and bathroom sinks, and a few toilets.
I do all the drilling, shelves, doors, tiling, lay carpets and underlays, etc etc.

My dh mows the grass but has no patience for edges so I do that. We both pollard the lime tress together.

I don’t have a penis

@stormteacupandcake

Neither of us does any DIY. Both of us can find our own passports.

Because where do I draw the line ? The way he’s going he would end up asking me to wipe his arse ! If he had asked me to help politely I might have but he blamed me and expected me to cancel my plans to look for it ? So it was a no and maybe this is the lesson he needs to learn

We don't know how he speaks to her, you are reading between the lines.
"He says he didn’t lose it" - this is the only fact about how he speaks presented to us by OP. When she says "he can’t find it - this is MY fault apparently", this does not mean that she was directly blamed for losing the passport.

Resign your role, then. Stop reminding him of things he should be taking care of himself. If he sees you as taking care of it that just enables him to not be bothered.

Missing the point here but didn't he need it when the trip was booked? Don't you have to give your passport number when booking flights?

Maybe you draw the line when it's reasonable to do so. You don't work, yet many mums do. He has to work fulltime, and even some weekends apparently.

Is he feeling frantic because he is stressed by work? And even if he isn't, would it hurt to help him? Are you perfect? Apparently you get annoyed about things like this. Are you being honest about 'cancelling your plans?' Why would you have to cancel your plans? You could be helping him to look for his passport now, instead of posting here and complaining about a man who works whilst you stay at home. When are these plans that you fear you have to cancel, given he travels tomorrow?

Would you be prepared to consider a role swap, even if, he was the most organised man in the world - i.e. he stays at home, and you be the sole breadwinner? What would you expect him to do, and if you worked as hard as he does, would you hope he would cut you some slack if at times, you were a bit disorganised?

Yes and that’s the last time he had it apparently

My DH is the same. His mind starts exploding if he has to do anything official. Especially online. I have to manage that side of things. I’m always saving him from disaster of some sort.

One time he was going on a trip & was relying on a tax refund on payday (day before the trip) which of course didn’t come through. Because he thought that work said “they’d sort it out”. Idiot. I then had to source last minute funds so he could go. Next time, he’ll just have to miss out…

Agree about teaching him a lesson. My DH will rope me into his drama, and try to blame me too. Essentially when something’s lost.