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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to help FIL after surgery?

390 replies

fluffyboos · 01/11/2023 16:51

I dont have the best relationship with my in laws due to their past behaviour towards me.
FIL is especially very sarcastic, offensive and irritating.

FIL has come out of hospital due to surgery on his prostate and will be on bed rest for at least 4 weeks.

My husband wants me to go round with a box of chocolates and a card and offer to help and perhaps try and make peace.

My main issue is that when my own father was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the height of the lockdown, my in laws offered me no support whatsoever.

In fact my FIL even shouted at me calling me lazy for no reason whatsoever, he actually made me cry, all this whilst I couldnt even see my dad whilst he was receiving treatment.

Despite this I still did the bulk of my in laws chores in lockdown and never received a thank you or any appreciation.

I work part time where my husband and his sisters both work full time so they are limited on time.

My MIL has arthritis and will struggle to look after him on her own.

I dont see why I should be expected to help just because I work part time.

In laws are not grateful people and I have told my husband that they cant be nasty and ungrateful but expect help of me.

I have refused to go round and it is causing massive tension in the house.
Surely my husband and his siblings should arrange help between them?

They arent even my parents.

I am all for helping people but not when they have been so disrespectful and nasty towards me.

My husband is now quite upset and not really talking.

Am I being nasty like my husband says?

OP posts:
2Rebecca · 02/11/2023 11:30

If DH wants to guild trip anyone it should be his sibs, but as FIL is offensive, sarcastic and nasty it's not surprising they aren't in a rush to help him, plus it sounds as though he's lying about 4 weeks bed rest as that just makes it more likely he'll get a deep vein thrombosis due to immobility. He has his wife as well, and i doubt he was pulling his weight with the housework before his op.

MrsSkylerWhite · 02/11/2023 11:32

He won’t have been told to rest in bed for 4 weeks. Milking it.

If your husband wants his dad to have chocolates and a card he can take them.

Sueveneers · 02/11/2023 11:37

Your husband sounds like a nasty piece of work who does not have your back. If my FIL and PILs treated me like that, he would walk away from them and never look back. He would choose me, his wife. He would in fact, demand they apologise, or else he would go NC. Your husband sounds ok with his own wife being treated like shit. What do you get out of this marriage, to a man who chooses his parents over his own wife and shows absolutely no loyalty to you whatsoever, and even further, expects you to continue to put yourself out to being abused? This to me is an LTB and I'd dump your 'D' H and wouldn't look back. Over this I really would.

I would lay down the law (although I would have left him the first time he kept seeing them without demanding an apology) and say to him that there is a reason no one likes him, they got what they deserve and they deserve to be alone with no help because they are reaping what they sowed. And that he needs to work out where his loyalty lies; who he wants to make the least angry. Them, or the woman he married and lives with, he's lucky you're still with him and that may change if he doesn't change his attitude. And that you despise them and will never see them or speak to them again until they apologise and show gratitude for all you've done. That you will never change your mind, and if he knows whats good for him he will see the topic is closed and never bring it up ever again (unless to tell you he has gone NC with them and finally decided to be loyal to you).

Sueveneers · 02/11/2023 11:44

Personally I'd say if I took chocolates over to them they'd be laced with something so he really doesn't want me to do that, but I hate injustice and I'm outspoken and assertive so I roll like that.

Gloriously · 02/11/2023 11:46

The real elephant in the room is why their own children don’t want to help their parents.

Pivot the conversation that way to your DH. Perhaps like you they were treated like shit and have withdrawn.

That must be a painful realisation for the ILs and your DH - so painful in fact they can’t face it but instead are re-directing / projecting thar anger and obligation on to you.

Well done for standing your ground. Sounds like this is only a recent thing for you if it was only in May that you have withdrawn and FIL is 78.

You will soon realise that you tried too hard for too long.

You reap what you sow - applies to your DH as much as the ILs. Keep a check on his oppressive attitude towards you. Seems the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

Keep busy with more rewarding and reciprocal family and friends - they will keep you strong and balanced.

Longdarkcloud · 02/11/2023 11:49

OP you are not your husband’s slave to be loaned out to your in-laws as a career.
They need to get an assessment by the LA (their surgery will know the procedure) regarding assistance with their care. Their own children can assist with this.
Stay strong, you are entitled to feel as you do.

Sueveneers · 02/11/2023 11:51

Keep a check on his oppressive attitude towards you. Seems the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

Yep, he is as nasty and disrespectful of the OP as they are. He is his father's son alright.

Naunet · 02/11/2023 12:11

EqualityWhatequality · 02/11/2023 10:20

As women we often are raised to help others. To look after and nurture. Our hormones help us to do this. We often end up with a massive sense of guilt and responsibility.

Recent events have shown me that my whole life, I’ve spent lots of time, energy and emotional labour, actively looking out for ways to help others. Anyone. And getting a sense of self worth from that. I’ve had a tough time recently and about 3 out of 15 people in my life, that I have supported massively, were there for me in the same way I was for them. It’s been a massive eye opener.

If you go and help, you will avoid feelings of guilt, you will keep others happy, but you feel massive amounts of resentment and you will be using up your time and emotional/physical energy.

So, what feels like the lesser of two evils? Would you rather feel guilt or resentment? Would you rather have more energy for you or less hassle from others?

Is there a compromise? Send them some ‘cook’ vouchers? Drop round with a pre made meal for them and a bunch of flowers and card - stay for an hour making some empathic noises, then leave and go something nice?

It is not your responsibility though. A sense of guilt and duty is sometimes helpful to get us to do what’s right, but sometimes it’s just a sign that we have been socialised to think and feel that we ‘should’ do xyz by those that it suits best.

I think that’s you, to a degree, not all women. I wouldn’t feel an ounce of guilt for not helping a man who was nasty to me.

OceanicBoundlessness · 02/11/2023 12:13

IDontOftenComment · 02/11/2023 10:58

There surely has to be a happy medium here, no you don’t need to be throwing yourself into his care, but surely a little show of kindness towards him wouldn’t do any harm and would be nice for your mother in law.
I just down get all this anger that so many PP seem to nurture, anger is like acid it eats away at you and does no one any good.

Anger is an amazing emotion. It creates change. It gets women to say no.

Resentment eats away. An anger that simmers away under the surface when someone does something out of duty, rather than freely chosen is much more destructive than just saying no, sod off.

Gloriously · 02/11/2023 12:17

“As women we often are raised to help others. To look after and nurture. Our hormones help us to do this. We often end up with a massive sense of guilt and responsibility.

Recent events have shown me that my whole life, I’ve spent lots of time, energy and emotional labour, actively looking out for ways to help others. Anyone. And getting a sense of self worth from that. I’ve had a tough time recently and about 3 out of 15 people in my life, that I have supported massively, were there for me in the same way I was for them. It’s been a massive eye opener.

If you go and help, you will avoid feelings of guilt, you will keep others happy, but you feel massive amounts of resentment and you will be using up your time and emotional/physical energy.

So, what feels like the lesser of two evils? Would you rather feel guilt or resentment? Would you rather have more energy for you or less hassle from others?

Is there a compromise? Send them some ‘cook’ vouchers? Drop round with a pre made meal for them and a bunch of flowers and card - stay for an hour making some empathic noises, then leave and go something nice?

It is not your responsibility though. A sense of guilt and duty is sometimes helpful to get us to do what’s right, but sometimes it’s just a sign that we have been socialised to think and feel that we ‘should’ do xyz by those that it suits best.”

@EqualityWhatequality well done on seeing the light .....but....NO....there is no compromise with abusive or non reciprocal relationships....you still have a bit more de-conditioning to go through....

Original poster
fluffyboos · 02/11/2023 12:24

@Gloriously you hit the nail on the head 100%.
The real question is why dont the other siblings want to help?

I did say to my husband last night if it was my dad or family member I would be round asap to visit/help and I say it was strange that NONE of the siblings have called or visited despite living in the same town.

I have told my husband all about this thread to get him to make him see that I am not over reacting and being petty.
DH has a habit of making excuses for their vile behaviour.

DH thinks because in laws invited us over for Sunday dinner a few times in lockdown "they have done a lot for me" when I point out the hours of time I have spent helping them he will say "but its not a competition".

Unfortunately my husband will always back his parents, right or wrong.
I do think the reason for that is because he is the sole beneficiary of their will and estate and will inherit everything.

FIL even told us the day they went to the solicitors to cut the other siblings out the will for "not helping" and "will get bugger all too".

My husband does try and manipulate me and than say "Oh but they have put you in their will as well" as like an incentive to help them.

I have to laugh as I dont even get a thank you, box of chocolates, nothing and yet they would put me in their will??

OP posts:
TulipOH · 02/11/2023 12:30

I'd suggest to DH that he needs to be having this conversation with his siblings, not you.

ExcitingTimes2023 · 02/11/2023 12:31

TheShellBeach · 01/11/2023 17:31

I hate it that women are always expected to do scut work.

Tell your husband to go round.

BTW why on earth is FIL saying he needs bed rest for four weeks post-op?
Patients are encouraged to mobilise after surgery. I'm a nurse and I'm struggling to figure out why your FIL needs to stay in bed.

I was literally just coming to say the same thing!! Why on earth does the FIL think he needs to pack himself off to bed for 4 weeks? Unless in a critical condition the days of bed rest are long gone… The benefits of early, gentle mobilisation are well documented! Yes he may need to take it easy for a few weeks and not be able to drive, but that doesn’t make him incapacitated!

billy1966 · 02/11/2023 12:32

You really did marry a dud from a dud family.

That his siblings want nothing to do with the parents says everything and your husband wants to use you.

I wouldn't trust a man of that character as far as I would throw him.

Are the siblings friendly with your husband or do they see him clearly too?

He's a user who wants to protect his inheritance ahead of his wife.

You have been well warned.

Don't trust him as far as you can throw him, he hasn't character nor integrity.

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 02/11/2023 12:32

TentChristmas · 02/11/2023 09:50

Oh and 4 weeks bed rest is bollocks. He’s haming it up and wants the women folk to wait on him hand and foot.
my MIL went into hospital and complained that the wimen folk didn’t rally round and feed and do completely capable FILs food and washing. Cos you know he’s a man

We had this and I discovered that FIL had never even peeled a potato or made a cup of tea in his entire life. MIL wore herself into the ground running around after him and DH.
When he had tonsillitis he took himself to bed where he stayed, unwashed, unshaven for 6 weeks. He developed drop foot and MIL nearly killed herself running up and down the stairs. Utterly disgraceful but typical of the situation that they lived in.

Gloriously · 02/11/2023 12:39

Everything @billy1966 says.....

Naunet · 02/11/2023 12:40

I do think the reason for that is because he is the sole beneficiary of their will and estate and will inherit everything

Wow, looks like he needs to start earning his money then, rather than outsourcing to his personal skivvy. You can see why the other siblings have nothing to do with them, that’s for sure!

Gloriously · 02/11/2023 12:45

Also understand the rules of inheritance in marriage......he is the sole beneficiary - not you - this is ring fenced and doesn’t come within the family money pot if you were to divorce......so don’t assume it’s an investment in your financial future.....and never sell your soul to abuse.

Stoic123 · 02/11/2023 12:48

Ha! The will explains why the siblings aren't rallying around now.

Your DH needs to persuade his parents to start spending some of 'his inheritance' to get proper care in to support them if that's needed.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 02/11/2023 12:48

Hell No
It is your DH's and his siblings responsibility
Why should you have to build bridges with them!!
They haven't respected or even been polite to you
Step back and give a firm " No"
YANBU at all

Sueveneers · 02/11/2023 12:49

fluffyboos · 02/11/2023 12:24

@Gloriously you hit the nail on the head 100%.
The real question is why dont the other siblings want to help?

I did say to my husband last night if it was my dad or family member I would be round asap to visit/help and I say it was strange that NONE of the siblings have called or visited despite living in the same town.

I have told my husband all about this thread to get him to make him see that I am not over reacting and being petty.
DH has a habit of making excuses for their vile behaviour.

DH thinks because in laws invited us over for Sunday dinner a few times in lockdown "they have done a lot for me" when I point out the hours of time I have spent helping them he will say "but its not a competition".

Unfortunately my husband will always back his parents, right or wrong.
I do think the reason for that is because he is the sole beneficiary of their will and estate and will inherit everything.

FIL even told us the day they went to the solicitors to cut the other siblings out the will for "not helping" and "will get bugger all too".

My husband does try and manipulate me and than say "Oh but they have put you in their will as well" as like an incentive to help them.

I have to laugh as I dont even get a thank you, box of chocolates, nothing and yet they would put me in their will??

So he offers you as a slave and trades away your happiness for..... some MONEY? Wow, he is an absolute grub! The more you post about him the worse he seems.

I would leave him. I would. He is a grub he really is. I'd leave and tell him he can stick his money, that your self-worth and your respect and happiness is worth more than that and you are not for sale at any price. He chooses money over you and your happiness? FFS why are you still with him, get out now. He really is garbage.

billy1966 · 02/11/2023 12:50

Gloriously · 02/11/2023 12:17

“As women we often are raised to help others. To look after and nurture. Our hormones help us to do this. We often end up with a massive sense of guilt and responsibility.

Recent events have shown me that my whole life, I’ve spent lots of time, energy and emotional labour, actively looking out for ways to help others. Anyone. And getting a sense of self worth from that. I’ve had a tough time recently and about 3 out of 15 people in my life, that I have supported massively, were there for me in the same way I was for them. It’s been a massive eye opener.

If you go and help, you will avoid feelings of guilt, you will keep others happy, but you feel massive amounts of resentment and you will be using up your time and emotional/physical energy.

So, what feels like the lesser of two evils? Would you rather feel guilt or resentment? Would you rather have more energy for you or less hassle from others?

Is there a compromise? Send them some ‘cook’ vouchers? Drop round with a pre made meal for them and a bunch of flowers and card - stay for an hour making some empathic noises, then leave and go something nice?

It is not your responsibility though. A sense of guilt and duty is sometimes helpful to get us to do what’s right, but sometimes it’s just a sign that we have been socialised to think and feel that we ‘should’ do xyz by those that it suits best.”

@EqualityWhatequality well done on seeing the light .....but....NO....there is no compromise with abusive or non reciprocal relationships....you still have a bit more de-conditioning to go through....

Great post.

4 friends of mine have successfully recovered from cancer, thank goodness.

They have each individually told me that the ONLY positive of it was the clarity it has given them re family and friends.

They are SO much lighter and clearer on that score.

They saw clearly among family who supported them, their husband and children.

They saw clearly the friends who faded away despite years of support and kindness.

Ultimately they found it freeing and they are so so grateful for the clarity.

Big change happened as a result with all of them.

No more Christmas at theirs.
No more giving an ear to drains.
No more accepting drop ins when it didn't suit.
No more generous entertaining.
No more loaning holiday homes.

All of them have been happily ruthless and it has hugely aided their healing they believe.

They feel 100% free of any obligation towards the deadwood that they now know were in their lives.

They still see the family involved but they have had to get used to hearing No and Doesn't suit us etc.....on a loop.

They all find it hilarious to have heard how much "cancer has changed her/you"...

You had better believe it🤔🤨.

The huge upside is the extra time, energy and joy of spending time with those you know really care.

Gerrataere · 02/11/2023 12:51

@fluffyboos I’ve changed my mind - tell your husband that you’re more than happy to go visit your in laws. And whilst you’re there you’ll draw up a plan for them to use any and all inheritance towards their future care. That way no sibling is treated better than another and they’ll have a solid care plan paid for. Win win win 🤣

billy1966 · 02/11/2023 12:55

Gloriously · 02/11/2023 12:45

Also understand the rules of inheritance in marriage......he is the sole beneficiary - not you - this is ring fenced and doesn’t come within the family money pot if you were to divorce......so don’t assume it’s an investment in your financial future.....and never sell your soul to abuse.

OP, this is very important to know.

If he keeps that money in his sole account and doesn't spend it on a shared asset like the house, cars in joint name, YOU are entitled to nothing.

Don't trust him.
Don't be used to save care fees for him.

I would be looking at returning to work full-time if possible.

I reckon the next few years could be very hairy for you in this marriage.

Users don't like pushback in my experience.

LumiB · 02/11/2023 13:08

Good for you OP on pushing back this May and not taking it anymore. Hopefully this has opened your eyes a little bit.

That's interesting about the inheritance I didn't know that it was ringfenced in the event of a divorce.

So yeah hell no would I be helping out in that case, spend their money and get care for themselves.

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